Shopping
I've known for some time that I've been hiding behind the fat, but I don't think it's ever been slapped in my face quite as much as it was on Tuesday.
Tuesday was my last day "off" for this school year since I've taken on another long-term substitute position for a friend of mine who's having a baby. So, I decided to take advantage of my day by going shopping for new clothes.
I decided I'd go to the new Marshall's down the street that just opened up because I've never been in a Marshall's before.... (and with 3 kids, discounts are always welcomed). I walked into the store and looked around. I spotted the women's clothing and found the sections on the racks where I thought I might find something of interest. BUT.... something didn't "feel" right. So, I left. I was in that store for a whopping 4 minutes.
So, what did I do next? I drove to the Lane Bryant on the other side of the shopping plaza. (?!?)
When I walked into Lane Bryant, I felt safe. Comfortable. I happily looked through clothing racks and was extremely pleased to find out that I could wear the smallest size in the store. Yay! But, that also means I could have easily found something in another store - one that isn't for "fat ladies." (I've always called Lane Bryant "the fat ladies' store".... and I'm allowed to do that because I'm fat. 
)
I left Lane Bryant with a few things in hand, asking myself over and over: Why did you come here when you could have found clothes somewhere else? Why come to the very store that you're trying to shrink out of - especially when you've finally almost done it?!? Why did you feel so uncomfortable in Marshall's... why not stay there longer?
I went over to Target and tried to make myself look for something in the "regular" sections. And, again, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I just knew people were looking at me thinking, "What's she doing over here? She can't wear anything in these sizes!" The sad thing is that I CAN wear regular sizes now. Sure, I'm not into a 10 or 12, even... but I can wear the larger sizes of the "regular" clothes.
The fact that I felt that way was very sad to me and I realized that there are sooo many underlying psychological issues. So many, in fact, that I don't even want to begin to write about them.
But, right now, I am going to make a public vow to myself -
I will NOT go into a Lane Bryant again, unless it is for the specific purpose of buying a bra. (I like theirs!)
I will own my spot in the "regular" clothing section and I will be proud! I've earned my place there!!