finished day 1 of new workout goal time

finished another 9.75 miles for a total of 27.75 miles today

restarting

so ive come up with some goals for myself and am going to be really serious about this from now on because i am tired of this.

ive decided that i am going to bike at least 100 miles per week every week until November 18th. thats the first goal. i am starting today - I did 18 miles today already and i am going back for part 2 of my workout in about 20 minutes,gonna do at least 30 more minutes.

in addition i need to stop caring so much about what other people think. im letting the people at work get to me far too much and its making me really negative which is absolutely killing me. also i have a little issue going on with my ex which is just so tiring and i am going to put a stop to it because i need the energy to finish my last semester of school and get back into shape.

i might check back in later if i have any wonderful revelations or new goals to post. i will try to post every day with how many miles i biked but i dont know how realistic that is on my part!

anyway i hope everyone had a great weekend and that you're all doing well!

can't sleep

4:30 am over here on the east coast and I am awake. this is definitely not by choice. last night i got a migraine after class so i took some medicine and tried to sleep unsuccessfully for a while but now my migraine is gone (but my stomach hurts a bit) and i am not able to get back to bed. i have schoolwork that i would like to being doing but i really dont feel like my brain is functioning well enough i want to risk writing a paper worth 10% of my grade right now. so instead i uploaded some pictures and did a little self loathing which i really need to stop doing -- not exactly the most productive or healthy way to try to accept it and move on while fixing what you did wrong.

one of my biggest issues is that i know what youre supposed to do to lose weight. all 4 years of undergrad i had exercise testing, exercise physiology, nutrition, biomechanics, etc etc in order to get my BS in Exercise Science but i cant seem to get myself to stick with it. ive tried to analyze this and figure out what my problem is, why do i fall off the healthy train? well i know that last summer i gained about 20 pounds because of something that happened and in my head it was a defense thing. my mind was telling me that if i was heavier that guys wouldnt think of me as meat, they wouldnt do the things they did to me when i was skinnier if i gained weight, maybe the would do it to other people instead so i indulged in one too many pints of dove ice cream and ate until i would feel sick -- dumb move. after that i finally started to realize what i was doing and was going to take care of it so i got down like 10ish pounds or so but then i started working in addition to school, i really feel like that derailed me right off my track. now after coming home from work i just tend to plop on my bed and use instant messenger to talk to my friends, and also completely avoid my schoolwork. i think what i have to do is just approach everything with a different mindset. i have to realize that these 30 pounds are not just going to fall off of me (although that would be nice). i have to make it a daily routine to if nothing else at least ride my stationary bike while i am watching tv or something.

i really shouldnt be up right now, let alone writing about something i care about thus working myself up more and probably making it harder for me to get back to sleep. i have to be up in like 2.5 hours, i might as well stay up and try to work on that paper in an hour or so and get my workout in before work. work is a whole different story too. i have never before felt so disliked anywhere in my life, every job i have ever held they have loved me and been so grateful for all i do but at my current job i am an outsider and that is so foreign to me. so frustating because i feel singled out a lot and only hear negative things, never about my quality of work but about if i was a little late or my clothing choices, etc. makes it hard to be excited about waking up.

anyway i should wrap it up, havent yet decided if i should try to sleep or if i am just doomed to be awake until 11 or so tonight.  on that note i hope that everyone else is getting some good rest in order to have a really productive healthy day -- and just remember it is wednesday, halfway through the week!!

is it december yet?

so my meltdown yesterday was so awful. i cant even describe how bad i felt when i saw myself in a competitive bathing suit, i mean i never thought i looked that great back in high school when i used to swim every day but now its just like wow. i want to turn that wow into a different wow, like a wow that girl looks in shape and look at those legs. i just need to be more patient but ive never been that great with that quality.

anyway, i started part-time this week at work which i am hoping will give me time to actually do schoolwork and workout. i rode my bike for an hour today but have yet to actually do the schoolwork i wanted to accomplish. i just sometimes want to curl up into a ball and just ignore the world. i know that i finish my masters degree in like 80 days but it really seriously seems like it is taking forever and the whole idea of finding a good job that i enjoy after i graduate (well after i move in may) is scary! i do have a job that i was working full-time but it is in medical credentialing and doesnt really utilize my degree or do much other than frustrate me because of the constant flow of updates and scanning.

life has been so drama-y lately. my ex-boyfriend seems to want to be in the picture lately which is weird considering i havent actually seen him since july of last year, july 3rd to be exact. that has kind of been bothering me. i am supposed to see him in november and of course i dont want to be as heavy as i am right now but with the whole drama seems to kind of make me just want to be a slacker. in addition there is some work drama and the fact that a few of my "best friends" bailed out on my birthday last weekend. i try not to let the drama get me and i keep it in but it seems that all it really does is just suck the energy out of me and i just want to watch tv or veg on the computer. blah, i gotta figure out how to fix it cause its annoying and also my bedroom has been feeling it cause it is not nearly clean enough.

so yeah thats the end of my little b*@ch fest for the day. hopefully there wont be too many of those to come. im going to try to get up in the morning and bike for an hour before work and then go to the gym after work and still write a paper. fingers crossed that works. i hope everyone else is doing well and on the path the being healthier -- and if anyone has killer motivational tips please help me!

wow i really suck

so my last post said after 2 days of slacking, this one should be titled after almost 2 weeks of slacking...

i had company in town and so i let myself be a pig, and then with school and work i was like well i have to eat and whats fast? oh mcdonalds is fast. and then my birthday weekend and ive completely stopped trying. i joined a pool on saturday and i went today and swam for about half an hour before getting a stomach cramp for whatever reason.

i am completely upset with myself. why have i let myself get so out of shape? i dont even want to hop on the scale, i cant imagine it would be more than my like 163 or whatever but still. im so appaled with myself. i think back to high school and i was a competitive swimmer, i used to practice every day for anywhere between 1 hour and 4 and now i die after like 30 mins and hate the sight of myself in a speedo.

i hate when i get in moods like this because i dont really want to do anything, i end up just wanting to sit in my room and never leave because im depressed. i feel so crappy

After 2 days of slacking...

Today was a little bit better for me. I was still in a funk though, things havent really cleared themselves up as of yet so until then I just have to learn to deal. I made myself do my cardio for an hour and 15 minutes tonight, didnt do it the past two days so I am only at 3 days so far this week.

Anyway, tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness!! I really need this weekend to get here. I need to be productive as I have company coming into town the following weekend. Ill have to account for the whole working out things next week before she gets here so that I dont excuse myself from several workouts just because i have company.

I am going to weigh myself on Sunday and see what the verdict is. Im sure I will want to have lost more but I just have to keep on going. I hope that everyone else is doing really well, keep up all the good work!

frustrating day

This the past few days I have felt the worst about myself ever...its not a very good feeling. Not to mention I have my ex-boyfriend contacting me again because he and his gf broke up. The last thing I need in my life is drama - with work, school, working out, trying to have a social life, I just dont have the time for drama.

I havent been sleeping well lately. Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and couldnt get back to bed so I just stayed up. I went to bed at 10:30 last night which is the earliest in a long time but woke up at 11 pm from a nightmare, it was so awful. I didnt work out this morning because of it and with my late class I wasnt able to do it tonight. Im rambling...Im frustrated not only that but for my class we have to read the Wall Street Journal and for some reason mine hasnt come yet but the rest of the class has...blah.

So I am going to stop complaining now, it's so very unflattering. I gotta get up in the morning and workout before work, lets see how that goes...I hope everyone is doing ok and next time my post wont be so whiney and lackluster

Realization

I hadn't noticed my 10-15 pound weight gain until my pants seemed tighter -- to me I still looked the same and didn't feel any more sluggish than before. After stepping on the scale and realizing that I was no longer in the high 140s low 150 everything became visable. I started noticing that my face seemed a little fatter, it was just a little bit harder to climb up the stairs in my house, and the worst -- I saw myself from a certain angle in the mirror and realized just how much 15 pounds really is. The big wakeup call was when I bought a shirt from H&M (which is a size 12) and couldn't button it -- now mind you I do have a really large ribcage but the idea that I am crossing into a size 14, especially at age 22, is scary. How unhealthy will I let myself become farther down the line? 

For those of you who are sitting there thinking I am this horrible person because I am scared to be a size 14 lets chat really quickly. A little background on me is that I just graduated with my undergraduate degree in May of 2006 with a major in Kinesiology (study of human movement) with a focus on exercise science. That being said I feel that I am misrepresenting my major. I have never been a skinny thing, a size 8 actually might not even be possible for me but I need to lose at least 30 pounds.  

I wasn't able to sleep last night because of the realization that I started to let myself go because of work and school. It would have been nice had I noticed at 5 pounds, maybe I did but I just ignored it, who knows. The idea of having to lose 30 pounds is so daunting and being an American I too want immediate results, I want it now. I fear that my motivation will waver and that I will fall off and continue eating to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy and for failing in my quest for perfection.

I have decided that for my last semester of graduate school I will not do my typical full-time work full-time school jazz, I have spoken with my boss and told her that I need to start working part-time instead for my sanity which she is allowing. Over the next 4 months I seek to focus on my schoolwork, getting back in shape, and just not losing my mind. I hope that this website will prove to be useful and if anyone needs anything, any help or support from me, please feel free to contact me and I would be glad to help. Anyway that is it for me, I am a little bit long-winded but it helps to get it out.

I hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend!