Happy Monday everyone. It's amazing what a few nice sunny days will do for my mood. So, my plans to catch up with everyone last week didn't pan out so well. I have still been sick, it's still in my chest, I still haven't worked out. I have tweaked my calories down to compensate for my decreased activity. I took my 2 sick days from work this weekend. I really needed the break from being there, and dealing with sick people, or people calling who were less sick than I was (can you say suck it up!!!!). I did however promise my partner I wouldn't be sick when I go back in on Wednesday. That doesn't look so promising anymore. It really is just a nasty common cold that likes to linger. There is really no point in making the effort to get down to the doc to have her tell me to just ride it out. It's just me, I get sick, it goes to my chest.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about this site lately. I really feel like I don't much belong here anymore. I had alluded to it a bit on my comment to Mz. B. I'm not losing scads of pounds each week. If anything I move from one plateau to the next. I'm in my last decade, and figure I'll turtle my way on down, but I'm in a different peaceful place about it. I'm not necessarily rushing to get them off, but I do enough to avoid any sort of back slide. Also, I have a friendslist full of people who haven't posted since March or early April. I'm not discounting any new supporters that come my way. I'm more making reference to how incredibly hard it is to support someone who comes by once every 3 months or so, does a bit of a blitz of posting, and then disappears again. It's crummy, because we inherently want to support others, but we need that support in return. I've been here long enough to see a revolving door of people breeze in and out of here. i guess that's the nature of the beast of dieting and why the industry is such a success. Let's face it people, committing to changing our old ways isn't always easy. I know just as well as anyone else how busy life can be, and we all lead busy lives. Bear with me, because this isn't forming as coherently as I would like - I'll have to leave it as confusing as it really is and if anyone can crawl into my head and figure out what I'm getting at, please feel free to let me know ;) I have started a secondary external blog, one that is family safe to share. We'll see how it goes, but it won't be overly diet related, because I'm finally turning a corner to where there is so much more in my life now and it is just a part, not the focus.
I should get running. My day yesterday was supposed to be spent making Mother's Day cards for my mom and MIL. DH has expressed an interest in getting more involved with my papercrafting and this was a good starting point. Especially after taking my stamping and cardmaking workshop this week! Well, the best laid plans got turned on their ear. I awoke that morning wanting to set up my "scrap space", which means painting that room so I can get my special table and move it in. There's no sense really in bringing in more furniture when the room really needs a cleaning and painting and in my ideal world flooring (I've already been told no on that one...moving along!). So, the day was spent moving the existing furniture out, off to the paint store to get supplies because all our old stuff got lost in the move, getting paint, taping, and the priming began, until we ran out :S It seems these walls are really thirsty (common in new construction homes with their first painting beyond builder's white). So, I'm off to get more paint and primer, because DH says it's better to have too much than to run out. Then I'm going to finish up the painting and priming myself. Since he's working all day, I want him to come home to a painted room. Did I mention I really suck at painting but am obsessed with doing a good job that even he'd be proud of? Yea, talk about new stress ;)
My BAN this morning was down to 157.4. W/I is tomorrow, so that will remain the official dressed posted weight. So, it seems it's down again, for now ;)
Last week things were pretty low for me. I was feeling very defeated - not in my weight loss battle, but in having to face the stress that has hung very heavily on me for the last 2 months. I spent so much time in avoidance mode and doing the ostrich hoping it would just go away if I ignored it enough. Of course, it would often remind me of it's presence and kick me back down. My first instinct was never to eat in comfort, though my old habits of wanting to drink through it to just be happy and escape for a while were there. Every other distraction I could do for so long, and then wonder how long I would be able to keep it up for.
Friday night was a benefit night for a work colleague who is 23 years old and dying of cancer. She has also not worked with us long enough to be covered under benefits, so her treatments are covered (Canadian public healthcare), but her medications at $300-500/week are not. Also, because she is receiving chemo she is immunosuppressed and deemed unsafe to come to work and deal with sick people (go figure!). So, while work functions normally aren't my thing because of the horrible rumor mill that abounds, DH and I went because if it was me dying, I'd want people to be there. Anyways, I drank my way through my first purchase of drink tickets(bad!), but moderated myself amazingly well at the buffet table (the drinks were over the top, but what the doctor ordered).
The next day we went shopping because I have more giftcards than you can shake a stick at. I'd been holding on to them because I haven't wanted to buy clothes that I'd only be able to wear for a few months, but knew I'd have many needs once I reach goal. I *heart* retail therapy. I bought another awesome pair of spring/summer pants, and again my second size 10. I'm beginning to think this 10 is a reality and not just a fluke in the first pair of capris. I also bought a bra because they were on sale and I have a tremendous shortage, it was the same size I used to be pre-prednisone. The click hit me. I am going to press on through these last pounds to goal, but I'm not anywhere near as obsessive about it. I want to be able to have nights like Friday night and not worry about how I was slowing my progress. I am finally beginning to see I look so much better now, almost normal, shopping in normal stores, not in the biggest sizes they have (well tops will still be on the big size because of the ever present girls), I'm fitter than I've been in years, and I'm now lighter than I was 10 years ago when I started college. They'll come off, and I'll only look better and feel better for it, but life and my psyche can't take a backseat anymore. This isn't the end of my journey, just the end of letting it completely rule my life with even splurges strictly planned in and accounted for. Where is the fun in that? I know well enough what I should and shouldn't do, and when I stray how to fix things and put the wheels back on the cart, and the cart back on the path it should be on. I may gain this w/i, I may maintain again. I will take whatever comes my way. I did what I needed at the time and was back OP the next day.
However, I've also been battling a cold. So, my workouts have suffered, and I'm going to continue to rest up until I am fully healed. It's been lightly nagging at me since the beginning of the month, and gotten worse over the last week. I'm sure my hectic schedule has just allowed it to rage on rather than letting me heal properly. I want to get back to the gym, but I know my lungs would prefer I didn't right now. Since they were the original culprits in my gain, I'm going to obey them rather than face the evil prednisone again.
Finally, as I was plodding through my tough day at work today the light finally arrived....
Yes faithful readers, my big life stressor is officially gone! I feel so relieved. My schedule is going to open up a lot more again. I'm even taking some mental health days from work this weekend.
I know I've been a horrible blog buddy lately. Now that I feel better about me and how my life is panning out I can be so much more supportive to everyone else. But that will have to wait until probably Wednesday since I'm going to get an early night and enjoy another drug induced sleep. Bring on the Ny-Quil and Neo-Citran!
Oh, and on another crazy tangent... I'm thinking about going back to school in a couple of years. I fear not being physically able to do my job until I'm 55 or 60 and want to be pro-active at searching out something I would be able to do until then. I don't hate my job, it's just recognizing my career has a shelf-life that I was completely blind to when I went to college the first time. Now I just want to make the absolute best decision for me. I have been so flippant towards it because I do have a whole host of options open to me, it's just a matter of trying to decide what I think would be best for my future...and my retirement...so I can fully enjoy it!
Well, weigh in this morning went far better than planned. I came in with a maintain. I definitely don't get it now. I gorged like a baffoon, and drank and didn't work out nearly enough, and maintained. Coming right on the heels of me being a diet angel, working out like I should, following plan to a T to maintain. Now, don't get me wrong, I feel much better to be back home and back to healthy, but it seriously lacks the fun factor of the other... I forgot my measuring clothes (yes I wear the same thing for consistency, and it is different from what I weigh in - also the same thing for consistency) so that will have to wait until next week. Can you say OCD much?
I spent a quiet afternoon emailing sponsors and teachers of CKU thanking them for an awesome event. I have a few left to email, but I was reaching my breaking point and had to stop. I have promised myself to get them out ASAP, because if I don't I"ll just procrastinate all to hell and it will never get done.
And then the honeymoon ended...
My quiet afternoon then took a turn for the worse and I was quickly thrust back to my ever prevalent one huge looming life stress. I'd been dusting it under the carpet for so long and been in avoidance mode only to be smacked in the face with it. I can't rule out it being a culprit in my plateau that plagued me all last month (cortisol, stress, blah blah blah). Who knows, it may well toss me right back into another plateau since my mini-honeymoon is now over. My small cry doesn't feel like enough, and I still don't feel any better. And feeling better is not at all within my control. There is nothing at all I can do to fix this stress and make it go away. I just have to be patient and hope and wait. But I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of hoping, and tired of getting my hopes up that one day soon it will end. I'll probably just leave things at that, this pity party has gone on long enough.
Well, I'm home from the lovely Dearborn Michigan. I took yesterday to relax and decompress a bit since we got home very late on Saturday night/Sunday morning.
My days were busy from the get go. I managed to hit the gym once and was more than impressed by the gym at the Hyatt. I give them kudos for having more than just one rusty treadmill in the corner. Their equipment was all very new and modern - each of them had receivers for my Polar monitor, as well as built in TV's that you control what you watch on your own screen. Very spiffy. Add in a few circuit machines, free weights, body bars, towels chilling in the fridge, and staff perpetually cleaning, makes me a very impressed girl. Unfortunately I really only had time to visit it on Wednesday night because my remaining nights were jam packed with things to do. Food wise, most of my breakfasts were very healthy and typical of what I'd have at home. One day I gave in to their yummy sounding sticky bun french toast, only to find that it really wasn't all that great, and mine is heaps better. I think I have truly perfected the art of french toast. Lunches again tended towards the healthy side. Dinners things became tougher. I just didn't want to worry about eating healthy. I wanted things I hadn't had in a while, and wouldn't have in a while. So each night involved a splurge dinner of sorts, 2 nights a drink with dinner, and 2 nights dessert (one was a Hyatt chocolate chip cookie mmmmm, the other was a brownie delivered to my room on my last night thanks to Creating Keepsakes University). I could have definitely gone a lot more hog wild, but I was doing enough damage as it was.
I think I'm up about 2 well earned pounds, but weigh in tomorrow will tell the true tale. I'm not really concerned, I'll get them off. I am pretty proud of myself and feel like I've come a long way. I know I'm looking a lot leaner than I was (borderline normal sized). I shopped a little for clothes while I was away, buying T-shirts that were medium sized, and capris that were my first size 10 in many many years. It felt weird to have the CKU store get me my free T-shirt, that I asked for in a Large (just in case, the girls yanno), and have the woman give me this strange look and tell me that I should be getting a Medium if it was for me.
I'd love to gush about how amazing the weekend was for me, but not really the place since it isn't diet related. Not to mention, I'm sure most of you have no idea who Becky Higgins or Ali Edwards are. I've strongly contemplated starting a new blog elsewhere so I can blog all my random thoughts, and make it a little more family friendly so they have a means of keeping up with my everyday mundane life. I question if they would care, but it would be there nonetheless. Maybe it would help them to understand all the little things that make me tick.
On a final happy scrapbooking note, I completed a bunch of great projects, and am well on my way to having the rest done. I feared being out of my league there because I haven't really been scrapbooking all that long, nor have I been published anywhere. But, I did just fine and cakewalked through it all. I'm really proud of the work I have done, and it feels great to look through the albums, and be happy with the girl staring back at me. One of the girls in my "dorm" said she hated having her picture taken because the girl in the photos isn't the girl she feels she is inside. I feel that pain so deeply, I've been there. I resisted sharing my successes sensing they would be terribly inappropriate at that time. Sadly, she is a beautiful woman, regardless of the extra pounds she carries. If only we could all see our own beauty.
For the first time in 3 weeks the scale has started on a downward trend. I can't really say what I did to make it move, or what it was that was enough of a shake up, but it really doesn't matter. I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of "Finally!". I awoke this afternoon to a BAN of 158.2, of course dressed and at JFC it was 159.0, but at this point I was happy to see a loss in general.
I weighed in early this week because we're leaving early Wednesday morning for Detroit for my CKU course I'm on. CKU is also known as Creating Keepsakes University for you non-scrapbooking folk. It will wind up being 3 days of scrapbooking fun fun fun. I hope to learn a bunch, and I know I'll come away with some awesome projects afterwards. I'm not going to worry too much about eating, beyond just being mindful to be as healthy as I can and watch portions. A gain may actually help shake my loss tree as well, and if not, who cares. I'll reach goal eventually. This is a lifetime choice, and not a race. I will keep active. I've been having an itch to go running lately, but it's been seriously cold here, and I don't think Detroit is a city I want to go running around. I'll settle for the gym.
Sorry I've been so MIA. I've been doing a lot of my homework for CKU, as well as just not having much to report in my weight loss department. There were no losses, I was bitter and frustrated with no urge to post a whiny blog about my lack of progress. I have kept up with all of you via google reader (what on earth did I ever do before that?!!?!). I will be better about commenting and updating next week after CKU.
I picked up the triple chocolate cheesecake today...uhmm...wow! I mustn't get too attached to it since everything I love gets discontinued, so I may have to tell them how much I hate it just so it will stay. What an unbelievably delicious dessert!
I picked up the new oatmeal breakfast square too. I haven't tried it yet, but a word of warning, it looks very very small for those 190 calories. I'm more than willing to give it a try since the mixed nuts were fine as a snack for me, as is the chocolate caramel peanut bar. But if you are the type of person who needs a big breakfast you will be sorely disappointed in the square (and it would be hard as hell to volumize - serve it on a bed of steamed green beans! Uh, no thanks.).
In this week's battle with the plateau, I'm going to have to call it a draw. I have some wins, some losses, but I think it all evens out in the wash.
So once again I maintain, sob like a dumbass and feel completely defeated. So, after a day long inner debate, I agreed to go out for dinner wth DH for my fav pub food that I haven't had in over a year (way to go little miss all things in moderation). It really just hadn't come up. And now that I'm in the time crunch for my scrapbooking weekend, one of my assignments is to take pictures of some of my favourite things. Well, boneless wings and Corona beer were a big part of one Friday night a month for DH and I. Last year when DH asked what I wanted for my birthday dinner it was boneless fingers and pints (I also had surf and turf later that week and gained 2 pounds that week but it was soooooo well worth it). Well, I debated all day about this dinner and it eventually boiled down to one dinner wouldn't kill me, and it's something I hadn't had in a while, I would like to have the pictures for it anyway, and if I faced another week of maintaining and turned down the dinner I'd be angry that I sacrificed something I wanted. It was amazing. I gained 1 pound on the next day's BAN, and today I'm finally back into the range of ounces I've been battling since mid March.
So the good - I had a dinner I hadn't had in over a year, and I managed to prove my body is still capable of losing weight! It's also funny I was less upset about gaining the one pound for that dinner rather than maintaining at status quo for 2 weeks.
The less good - I skipped out on a planned workout this weekend because I've just been feeing drained and I pushed the gym really hard this week, and the cold weather has really given me the blues (on top of my already pre-existing blues). I don't often do 4 days straight, but it was all in the name of shaking the tree. I'll manage to get one more workout in before Tuesday's weigh in. I'm still debating if there is a point to Tuesday's weigh in. It may well be a game-time decision. I'm going to have to change the time on it regardless because I have scheduled my next tattoo - an anklet of cherry blossoms. I'm having a few second thoughts about it, which may also wind up being a game time decision.
I've also come to some semblance of terms of acceptance. 150 was roughly in the neighborhood of where I was when I was skating a lot. 160 was where I started college, 100% pre-prednisone. I thought I was actually reasonably attractive when I started college. I could stand to lose a few more, but I remember being happy at this weight in the past. So, I've started back to the weights, I want to tone up and get firm and fierce. Swimsuit season is 2 months away, and I think that is ample time to build on my ferocity. Also, adding extra muscle can help to burn more calories and possibly break through the plateau. And, since my argument before was that it slowed my losses, well, they can't get any slower than where they are now, so it can't hurt. I'm also adjusting my diet to be a little more protein rich to accomodate for the extra muscle I'm building. Part of the added protein is also a result of my fitness assessment at my gym (yes I finally had my 1 year later comparison). They noted that I had lost a lot of lean mass as well as fat, so I need to get that back up.
Anyways, I hope everyone had a great Easter (if you celebrate that is). I was raised in a Catholic family, though my beliefs have changed drastically from when I was younger. Regardless, holidays are still a time for family in my book. My family was to have Easter dinner this weekend sometime. They refused to hold dinner for me until I could get there after work. I spent a quiet dinner with DH tonight after I got home from my 13 hr shift today. The proof is in the pudding, my family is DH and my kitties.
I'd say I was happy to meet you, but your presence only brings me frustration, heartache and far too many tears. You probably have no idea just how far I've been going to avoid you even coming to pay me a visit, and yet, despite my best efforts, here you are. I'm trying to stay strong, and show you that I'm the boss here, and I am in control, and you will not derail me; but sometimes it's hard. I fear you will become an unwanted permanent fixture in my life - since I couldn't keep you away, how on earth will I now get rid of you?! Everything I've read about how to get you to leave is what I've already been doing, and yet here you are on my doorstep, bag in hand, grinning your evil grin. At least one of us is happy.
Some people will tell me you aren't really here, because they can't see you. But just because you can't be seen, doesn't mean you don't exist. Just ask the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny, they share the same identity crises. Some people will tell me not to worry and that it will pass, and it just may. But I can't help but worry, and cry, when all I see is you and your evil day after day. Some people will tell me I should abandon a good friend (or two) of mine in the name of making you disappear, but my friends (JC and Tanita) aren't the problem and shouldn't be punished for your very existence.
I wish I knew why you chose now of all times to rear your most ugly head. At one time I had only 11 pounds to go and likely just a couple of months and I would have avoided your dark gaze. You've changed things. I now have more than 11 pounds, and as long as you are around it will take me more than just a few months to see them through. I really wish that I was just over-reacting, being hyper-sensitive if you will.
I hate you. I wish you'd take a flying leap and get lost for good. Truthfully, I hate both of you. Both Mr. Plateau and Mr. 160.8. You are both evil wicked beings and are causing me so much undue hardship. What on earth have I ever done to you two?!?!? You make me sick. PFO!
I'm off to join the land of the sleeping, even though the only people who would normally sleep at this time are in places like Japan and Australia (2 places I'd dearly love to visit incidentally). Cherry blossom season starts very soon in Japan, and it's on my list of things to do before I die or get too old to fully enjoy it. I'd also love to take in an opera at the Sidney Opera House. Apparently I babble about very unrelated things when I am tired.
The point of this post is just to say a quick hi. I have one more night shift to go. I did maintain this week but I'm fine with it. I have to be since it was self-induced. I've also been fighting a sore throat for over a week now and got one of the docs to look at it last night. He says it's viral, gave me a script for an oral rinse and hopefully I'll be back to feeling normal again soon. I have also posted the 2 progress pix as promised for what seems like forever. Finally, I plan to check in on you guys tonight from work, dispatch willing.
I totally forgot to update other happy news. I managed to meet up with the replacement stock guy and got 4, yes 4, pair of pants and 1 shirt. It's definitely a step in the right direction. Now I just need to get them hemmed. But, the point is I am no longer in full on crisis mode.
I also have some updated pix that I just need to pull off my cam and upload them here. I'll get around to that...
