| Height: | 154.9cm |
| Start weight: | 241.20lb |
| Current weight: | 171.80lb |
| Goal weight: | 136.20lb |
| Lost to date: | 69.40lb |
| Remaining: | 35.60lb |
| 26 |
| May '12 |
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There was a really neat post on another blog today that really reached me in a few ways. For me not all of it was diet relevant, but the last 2-3 paragraphs particularly were. I actually find a lot of their daily encouragement, while not directly diet related, to be fantastic! So, if you like what I'm sharing today, check out Brave Girls Club for more daily doses of goodness! :)
I've spent the last 2 days in probably the best headspace I've been in in a very very long time. I'm actually feeling like that girl that I was 3 years ago, if not better. This time I'm not really working on a timeline, or feeling rushed to reach a goal or two, and I know that every step I take now is one towards a healthier me, which is more important. As a testament to that, I've only lost 1lb since I last updated and I'm mostly fine with it because I know I'm doing the things that will eventually get me to where I want to be. Every day I find I'm saying to myself I can do this, I am doing this, I will do this - I think it partly comes from feeling confident, and partly for my own encouragement.
I've been back to the gym a lot, and when that doesn't work out I've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred at home. I went out for Friday and Saturday of this weekend that just passed with some girlfriends and it had a small expected upward blip on the scale (martinis and wine tend to do that) that was gone and then some by today - and I know that's because I'm exercising again and doing the good things that will boost my metabolism and burn fat. I've tossed in some weights again because I was really liking how sculpted my arms used to look, so I know that will temporarily slow my scale progress as well, but in the big picture it is so so worth it.
For now, I've kicked my Starbucks biscotti habit that I was having one a day every day that I worked. I figured out that 14 biscottis a month, over a calendar year, using the formula that 3500 cals = 1lb translated to 8lbs of biscotti a year. 8 pounds!! I'm now 6 days cookie free. I miss the cookies, and I do go to Starbucks to make a point that I can go there without buying a cookie to go with my coffee. Otherwise I've been very very diet good and it feels good.
Finally, it's awesome to see 3 friends from the past blogging again and thank you all for your comments and encouragement. It really does feel like old times again in more ways than one. 73 days to beach time. I need to keep being uber vigilant so I can be happy with my pictures again! :)
Ok, I've also gone and updated my trackers, my weight log, the whole kit and caboodle. I've even revised my goal weight to my lofty dreaming big goal. Staring this kind of honesty in the face only served to motivate me in the past. I'm slowly learning all my old habits that made me a success in the first place, and I'm unlearning the ones that contributed to my blip in the road. I'm trying very hard not to see it as a failure, or call it that, but in all honesty I do feel like one. I know I need to banish these negative thoughts and get excited and happy about the changes I've brought back into my life. It's just not all that easy to do in practice.
So, 3 quotes have really reached me today and I'm sharing them...
Dream big and put
your heart into achieving your goals!
Don't wish it were
easier, wish you were better -Jim Rohn
Every day do something that will inch you closer
to a better tomorrow.
Today I am cautiously welcoming back my friends willpower and determination. It seems they've stuck with me for these last three days while I stared numerous temptations in the face, and won.
Last night I saw that the baseball helmet sundaes were back at Baskin Robbins and of course in this crazy heatwave I wanted one, and had to have it. Don't ask me why, because I'm not really a huge baseball fan (though admit it was growing on me as it was always on the TV no matter where we went in Boston all last weekend), and I really don't need/want the extra clutter around the house, and this is not taking into account that I truly don't need/want the extra calories either. So, I bravely drove right past the Baskin Robbins last night and kept going, ditto to Dairy Queen as well. The me of last week would have given in and worried about the consequences later. The me of this week is stronger and better than that.
This morning I was very tired driving home, and late leaving work and all I could think of was stopping and grabbing a bagel to munch on on the way home, or maybe a Starbucks breakfast sandwich. I spent much time talking myself down off the ledge, and I purposely drove in a direction that took me nowhere near the Starbucks, I stayed in a lane farthest from Tim Hortons so I couldn't get over to get that bagel, and I carried on down the highway. I then spent the rest of that highway drive telling myself that it was only 40mins max to home, and I could have a good healthy bowl of Cheerios when I got there, and give my excess milk to my cat. It's something we've done for years, since I got her really. I'd finish my breakfast cereal and she gets the milk. It's a very endearing routine, and I know I don't have many years left with her, so I love to spoil her in any way I possibly can, and these are special moments between the two of us. You don't need to tell me, I absolutely am a crazy cat lady! :) Anyways, passing several temptations after I got off the highway again, I made it home to my Cheerios, gave the milk to my cat, and slept proud of myself for being strong again. I totally admit that very often in the past it would be very common for me to grab the bagel or the sandwich, and you guessed it, worry about the consequences later. Well, I'm here to tell you, those consequences amounted to a 20-30lb backslide that I could ill afford.
Finally tonight, some jackass left out some angel food cakes on the table at work. They looked fantastic. I know they are relatively low cal and low fat, and probably wouldn't make a huge dent in my progress. But this isn't just about progress on the scale, it's about being the strong person that I used to be, one I can be proud of. Those cakes remained untouched, and I'm now safely tucked away from any food temptation for the rest of the night... until it's time to drive home tomorrow.. ;)
That said, I'm happy to report that after 3 days back to plan I'm already down 7 lbs. I'm sure a lot of it is an equalizing after all the water retention I likely had from the mini-vacation filled with dining out, salty food, drinkies, and of course my run in the crazy heat that I had sausage fingers set in around the 4 mile mark. So, 23 lbs to get me back to goal 1, 38 lbs to go to my revised goal. It seems so daunting, but I can do it.
Now I just need to get through something that has always been an achilles heel for me - a weekend off of work. They've always been so difficult for me, but I know getting through the first one will do wonders for my belief in my own strength. I definitely have motivation, and all the reason in the world to stick with it. I just need to rely on my prodigal friends to get me through this first one..
...or in reality, it never really ends. Let's face it, this is an every day choice, an every meal, an every action (or lack thereof) decision.
So, it's been over a year and a half. Where have I been, what have I been doing?
In true to me fashion I've been traveling of course. I've been to 2 different parts of Cuba, multiple trips to Boston, multiple trips to Mexico, Arizona (and returning again this summer), Chicago, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some of my other adventures. Suffice to say, some things about me don't change.
Last summer we finally listed and sold our house. It was only on the market for 24 hours and we got 98% of asking. We bought a new house and moved into said new house.
I flirted with a new diet plan and it worked. That said, it was very difficult to stick to, but it was a great tool to lose weight and keep me in check. I was maintaining well until last August - right around when the house was listing and selling, a trip, and the stress that came with buying new (because that transaction was far from smooth). Then came another trip to Mexico, and I still hadn't lost my Arizona/house deal fat. Then we get home, to move soon after - and a lot of dining out ensued. Christmas rolls around, another Mexico trip, and I've barely lost the previous Mexico fat, but not the Arizona fat.
So - that brings us to January. I was frustrated the weight wasn't coming off, but I wasn't diligent about it either. It seems my good friend willpower abandoned me somewhere along the way. With him, he took my other companion determination. So there I was, up 20 from goal, arrogant in my belief that I could lose it if I really tried, but I wasn't trying. The move took me further from my gym so I had plenty of excuse now not to go. And the ones that were closer to home for me I didn't really like, again more reason not to go. I took up running, but I didn't run as much as I used to go to the gym. The upside is already this year I've completed 2 10k runs, and 1 10miler. I'm considering signing up for a 15k that is right before I leave for Arizona but I'm a bit unsure. I have signed up for my first half marathon, but that isn't until next May, so I have 10 months to either prepare, or talk myself out of it. I'm not sure which side of me will win at this point.. ;)
So here we are today, I'm barely home from my last 10k run, and the one I found by far the toughest so far because of the crazy north-eastern heatwave. I'm up 28lbs from goal. I've returned to Jenny because I need the accountability of someone to answer to, because right now answering to myself isn't enough. I've been living in total self loathing. I'm extremely disappointed with myself for being this apathetic. My last few pictures don't lie, I'm getting fat again and I'm not happy about it. Enough is enough. It's time to get my act together and make it happen. And I'm not leaving any unfinished business on the table this time.
When I selected my first goal weight, it was a weight I could remember being at in my teens as a skater. I know it's still high for my height range, but it was attainable, it was something I could envision, and it was still a lot to lose from my start point. It's time I started believing I was capable of more. If I could pull off 91.2, surely more is well within my grasp, whether I remember being that size or not. I've come to learn there is no rush, no timeline, it will happen for me, as long as I never ever give up. As I fought through my last race I knew that quitting and not finishing were not options for me - I was finishing it no matter what. I need to take that same strong silent inner determination and apply it to shedding the pounds I shouldn't have. To apply a run analogy, this is a marathon not a sprint... except this marathon truly needs to last a lifetime for me.
I make no promises how long I'll be back to blogging. I make no promises about how good a blog buddy I'll be. I do promise to be honest with myself, and accountable to myself. And that is truly what is most important, my promise is to me, to see this through, to an acceptable BMI, to dream and achieve grandiose dreams (of being petite). I can do this. I will do this. I am strong enough. I am worth it. Quitting and giving up are not options. It's time to do this, again, for me. I had this fire before, and it's sparking and smoldering again..time to breathe some life into the flames...
*steps in sheepishly and tentatively* So - I came to visit this old friend today and first of all I'm really surprised it's been so long since I've been here. Everything is so different. To the other end, I'm not surprised I haven't been here either - only because I feel like my life and my thoughts have shifted so much that diet and weightloss haven't been my primary focus. Sure I'm still eating mostly well, and I've been decompressing a bit after having a very regimented schedule with Cindy that ended a week and a half ago. For the most part I remain unchanged, which is both a blessing and a curse.
Status quo means I've only met one of my goals and even then only briefly flirted with it (the first 10 pounds of the last 20 I wanted to lose). Status quo means I somehow couldn't tap in to whatever it was to fully utilize Cindy for all the benefits I should have been getting. I am fitter, I am unbelievably strong now and can do things I never dreamed possible but the scale numbers and an overwhelming body transformation didn't happen. I couldn't get that right balance of eating just enough to lose to counteract the strength training I was doing. Before her I was muddling along at 1200 cals/day and doing well and able to lose a good 1-2 pounds a week as long as I kept true to plan. Then the losses stopped, and the erratic spikes started (which I expected and was ok with). I tried bumping up to 1500, no difference, so then up to 1700-1800 and I began to gain. I feared going much more because I thought it would be too much. I cycled up in cals on days I was training harder, down on the slower days. Nothing seemed to do it. 8 months later I just couldn't get the balance right, and thus, no real scale number changes and a conservative body transformation. I don't want to be totally doom and gloom about it as I did reach something I did think unattainable in terms of body shape. I had my prom dress in my closet from now 13 years ago. At the current weight I'm at, before Cindy, I could get it on and only done up so far, but always ran into troubles around the girls and upper back. Last week I was looking for a dress in my closet to wear to DH's Christmas Party in 3 weeks and figured I may as well try it on just to see. Well, he was able to do it up for me with ease. I will take that as a huge victory - now I just need to harness that encouraging feeling to press on.
We had a fabulous vacation away in Mexico. I did really well on the food and drink and exercise front while away - probably my best ever. I also did really well on the much needed relaxation front. Since getting home I've been pretty fairweather about losing my Mexi-fat. In truth it's the most lax I've been ever. I'll say it's coming off, but slowly. Partly because I've been taking a small gym break because I was so physically tired and didn't enjoy the regimented schedule I had. It became a chore and less fun. I was no longer working out on my terms doing what I want when I wanted - and the schedule made it hard to fit in the things I like to do because they often fell on my much needed rest days. As for food - most days are good days, but I've been lax at times. I've been cooking healthier versions of some of my old favourites. My recession mindset has me in a money conservation mode so I haven't been as full boar back to the JC prices as I would normally do. It's not necessarly bad, but it gives me leeway to venture off plan.
I'm back to needing to lose 15 pounds to reach my second goal. I also now have almost a month off work. I'm not really sure what that will do for my physical health and fitness. I know my mental health will benefit greatly as these last 3 weeks at work have been pretty stressful for me and I haven't been coping well. DH and I are going away for 4 days to Michigan for Thanksgiving and Shopping (my second favourite sport, and I think still Shelley's favourite ;)). It will be a lot of eating out, but I really want to do well with my choices rather than go at it with a last supper mentality. Then I come home to have all my wisdom teeth pulled. That could do wonders for my diet because I see a lot of soup and jello in my future for a few days.
So, where this all leaves me is that I'm feeling pretty low. I have some large victories, but they weren't the ones I wanted the most. I also have a long way to go and a lot to overcome. I know I'm mostly happy where I'm at, I know I was also happier when I was 10 pounds lighter last September - but that was so hard to maintain and now it seems near impossible to get there. To me, right now, it's the impossible dream. I did it, I was there, I have lost so much more than I need to right now but I'm not believing in me that I actually can. I know I need to be here (on ExP) right now. I know I need to get this out and face how I feel. I know this has been going on for a while and I am only scratching at the surface of my thoughts and feelings towards me, my weightloss, and where I am going with it all.
The BAN - I need to get over tonight and the stupid dinner I had that was probably not as bad as I thought it would be, I need to get over the weekend of too much carbs and a glass of wine, I need to get through this week and on Friday I will face the music and I will pick up this trail that I have abandoned for a year. I don't care that I've maintained, I don't care that I'm still in my JC 10 pound range, I care that I have failed to finish what I started and have lacked that chutzpah for a year.
I've been a bad blog buddy. I may be better, I may not. I have decided to post a summer in review, by way of photos.
I really did have a great summer, and I look back on all my photos and just smile.
It was a summer of long overdue reunions with one of my BFFs from childhood
It was a summer of very tearful and never should have happened, especially not under those circumstances farewells..
Mixed in with a little cottage fun and my first time ever tubing (seriously!)
And ended with an awesome trip to somewhere I found myself loving, and loved being immersed in creativity for 6 days!
I'm so ready for fall and can't wait for our vacation in 6 weeks!
The sporadic blogger returns again. 
To be fair, I have been somewhat maintaining a non-diet related blog.
So, in my absence, I did reach my first reward, and loved the new hairdresser and slightly modified do. I have also reached a low weight I haven't seen since February 20th - one day shy of 6 months. I did also take my week trip away to Provo UT for some scrapbooking (same as what I did last year in Nashville and Detroit).
After returning home from Utah I made the decision to return - somewhat - to Jenny. My main motivating factor is I would really like the convenience of their shelf stable lunches for the summer at work, as I am a lot more on the go and I worry about food spoilage in a hot vehicle. I also really want to support DH in his quest to finish the job he started nearly 3 years ago. He has really struggled over the last year and a half, and one of the things that did work for him was when we were both on program. I also really enjoyed chatting with Carm. So it's a low stress maintain and try to lose a bit return. I stll do my own thing on my days at home, and sometimes for work as well. I was just getting very bored with my limited safe food options to take on the road at work. I'm sure I talked about this before, but this time I actually went in and did it. It actually felt good to prove that I wasn't a statistic, but that I was still maintaining where I left off with no backslide to speak of. I'm sure they've seen it enough, and probably expected it when I made the decision to go on my own.
And now, I have a little over 7 weeks to lose 8 pounds to my next goal and reward that I *really* want to see before we leave for our Mexico anniversary trip. It seems like for the last 3 trips I've said I wanted to be smaller for when we went on whatever trip, but my actions didn't really follow suit. I didn't gain, I just maintained. I'm thinking that is because I am mostly happy with where I am at. That said, at least now my actions are a lot more in tune with making beach hotness a reality. Maybe once I see how the other side live, my contentment here will no longer exist.
I'm fine, everything is fine. Status quo for me. I'll be around to visit later.
I've been uber good since June 30th, and am being quite rewarded by the scale. I only have 2 pounds to go to the first reward that I am giving myself. However, I am finding reward in other small things.
I went to my session with Cindy this afternoon and it felt really good to fit in such a tough workout before work. We were doing some really tough things and I managed to get through it, which is also awesome. And finally, it was the first time in a long time that I walked in there feeling like I looked pretty good. Afterwards I was forced to wear my newest skinny pants to work and for a change they are actually quite comfortable and not wedged in tight. They changed the style this year, so while I ordered the size I should be wearing, the cut on it is smaller - oy! I think I'll be able to get through the night and not be in agony from too tight pants.
It's also amazing that my diet and exercise vigilance is only inspiring me to be more so. Tomorrow night is the only full night DH and I will have together this weekend because I picked up 2 overtime shifts - more on that in a sec. That yearly international eat fest is going on in our area this weekend and it would be so tempting to go and make a night of it, but I know I will insist on staying home and being healthy. I am working way too hard to throw it all away for one night. Plain and simple, I *want* to be healthy. I really love the healthy me.
As for the overtime. I will have worked 3 extra shifts in a little over a week. This is all just for extra spending money for while I am away in Utah. I want to have enough sitting in the bank that I can comfortably shop without worry, and know that I well earned every penny that I am spending. Time is of the essence because I need to get all the shifts done by I think the 19th so I can get paid for them all before I leave, and I think this weekend should do me in just fine so I won't need to take anymore. So, a little bit of short term pain for long term gain. The one small upside is weekends home tend to be really hard on me diet-wise, so that will be removing one of my temptations.
I think I have a hint of TOM going on - but really hard to tell. I'm a touch crampy and today was the first day since the 30th that I haven't posted some semblance of a scale loss. I'm also exceptionally tired and hungry, but both of those could be related to a busy work/gym schedule. Thankfully tonight is my last night for 2 weeks. I hope this weekend will see me reach goal #1!
Well, where to begin…
After a busy June, I seem to be hitting the ground running for July. Like many other bloggers July seemed to spark a recommittal on my part back to my healthy ways. I took a definite leave in June with my unexpected week away, and then the week at the cottage, working crazy hours, not working out like I had been in past months, and the end of it was our June long weekend. I had 2 pretty off plan days to end the month – first on a cross border day where I had planned to be bad, and the second day we went to a friend’s for a great afternoon BBQ, and I had a lot of wine to drink, and some delicious cheese I should have never read the nutritionals on. In the end I was up 12 pounds – how quickly they come, however I question how true they are as 7 are gone after only 1 week of being fully diligent with eating and half diligent with exercise. I would have been better on the exercise front but I’ve started to pick up overtime again so I can have more money to shop with in Utah. I also have many other wants and needs around the house that also require cash, and having the extra on hand will obviously make things a lot easier to do.
At being up 12 to an unsettling BAN of 162.0, I decided it was high time to bring back some rewards. I also decided I wanted to lose a realistic 20 to start and go from there. So, after my first 10-pound loss (though I’m tweaking that number a bit to be a little more than 10 gone to be 151.2) I will be going for a hair appointment. I had one booked for my first week of vacation, but had to cancel when it would have been while I was away. I’ll definitely be doing the cut, may consider some highlights as well because it’s been a while since I’ve had those done. The next 10-pound reward (at 141.2) requires a little bit of shopping. I had a great pink knit sweater that I used to love to pull on with *everything*. Unfortunately, one day at the gym I set it down on a bench in the change room and forgot it there when I left, and it’s never been seen since. So, I need to get a replacement. The replacement will be a Lululemon remix lulu hoodie in some shade of pink. I am confident I will reach my first goal before I leave for Utah and I plan to reach the second by the time we leave for Mexico in October.
The big thing for me is I just generally felt better psyche wise 10 pounds lighter than I am now. I loved how I felt hanging out at the 143-146 range. Maybe part of it was the lean-ness and how I liked how a lot of my clothes fit. At this stage in the game, /- 5 pounds makes a *huge* difference. I know another part of it was I felt like a true success and I feel less so now that I have let some creep back on – as evidenced by the fact that I have completely refused to update my weight graph to show me above goal again. Yes I am back at the Jenny maintaining range, but I’m not happy on this end of the range. It was relatively easy to maintain, the tough thing for me was getting back that low after last October’s Mexico trip, in fact I never did get back there. It was total complacency rather than doing the work that got me to there in the first place.
It’s time to face the music, and update the graph on both ends, as dreadfully hard as this is. I loved to watch my little line inch it’s way down to goal and then beyond, it’s time I start to make that happen again, and be true to myself with where my true goals really lie. What I didn’t point out, is my second 20 will bring me to the century club of an even 100 lost. So far I am doing these next I guess now 15 on my own, though I may go back to JC with DH. He has spent a lot of time struggling and I know that with that structure he excels. He is still at a point where he needs that structure, and with me cooking a lot during maintenance, the fixed structure doesn’t exist like it used to. He has other things going on as well that give him challenges that are far different than the ones I had to face, but I think it will be easier to support him if we are both on plan. Besides, I miss talking to Carm, and I’m starting to run low on bars – which I still love to have for days that I don’t feel like having my smoothie. Is that failure at maintaining? Not a chance! I’ve been on my own since January and have been just fine, and have lost 7 on my own without any JC food. I know I can be safe and can maintain where I want while I am preparing and portioning my own foods. I can also lose too
