*steps in sheepishly and tentatively*  So - I came to visit this old friend today and first of all I'm really surprised it's been so long since I've been here.  Everything is so different.  To the other end, I'm not surprised I haven't been here either - only because I feel like my life and my thoughts have shifted so much that diet and weightloss haven't been my primary focus.  Sure I'm still eating mostly well, and I've been decompressing a bit after having a very regimented schedule with Cindy that ended a week and a half ago.  For the most part I remain unchanged, which is both a blessing and a curse.

Status quo means I've only met one of my goals and even then only briefly flirted with it (the first 10 pounds of the last 20 I wanted to lose).  Status quo means I somehow couldn't tap in to whatever it was to fully utilize Cindy for all the benefits I should have been getting.  I am fitter, I am unbelievably strong now and can do things I never dreamed possible but the scale numbers and an overwhelming body transformation didn't happen.  I couldn't get that right balance of eating just enough to lose to counteract the strength training I was doing.  Before her I was muddling along at 1200 cals/day and doing well and able to lose a good 1-2 pounds a week as long as I kept true to plan.  Then the losses stopped, and the erratic spikes started (which I expected and was ok with).  I tried bumping up to 1500, no difference, so then up to 1700-1800 and I began to gain.  I feared going much more because I thought it would be too much.  I cycled up in cals on days I was training harder, down on the slower days.  Nothing seemed to do it.  8 months later I just couldn't get the balance right, and thus, no real scale number changes and a conservative body transformation.  I don't want to be totally doom and gloom about it as I did reach something I did think unattainable in terms of body shape.  I had my prom dress in my closet from now 13 years ago.  At the current weight I'm at, before Cindy, I could get it on and only done up so far, but always ran into troubles around the girls and upper back.  Last week I was looking for a dress in my closet to wear to DH's Christmas Party in 3 weeks and figured I may as well try it on just to see.  Well, he was able to do it up for me with ease.  I will take that as a huge victory - now I just need to harness that encouraging feeling to press on.

We had a fabulous vacation away in Mexico.  I did really well on the food and drink and exercise front while away - probably my best ever.  I also did really well on the much needed relaxation front.  Since getting home I've been pretty fairweather about losing my Mexi-fat.  In truth it's the most lax I've been ever.  I'll say it's coming off, but slowly.  Partly because I've been taking a small gym break because I was so physically tired and didn't enjoy the regimented schedule I had.  It became a chore and less fun.  I was no longer working out on my terms doing what I want when I wanted - and the schedule made it hard to fit in the things I like to do because they often fell on my much needed rest days.  As for food - most days are good days, but I've been lax at times.  I've been cooking healthier versions of some of my old favourites.  My recession mindset has me in a money conservation mode so I haven't been as full boar back to the JC prices as I would normally do.  It's not necessarly bad, but it gives me leeway to venture off plan.

I'm back to needing to lose 15 pounds to reach my second goal.  I also now have almost a month off work.  I'm not really sure what that will do for my physical health and fitness.  I know my mental health will benefit greatly as these last 3 weeks at work have been pretty stressful for me and I haven't been coping well.  DH and I are going away for 4 days to Michigan for Thanksgiving and Shopping (my second favourite sport, and I think still Shelley's favourite ;)).  It will be a lot of eating out, but I really want to do well with my choices rather than go at it with a last supper mentality.  Then I come home to have all my wisdom teeth pulled.  That could do wonders for my diet because I see a lot of soup and jello in my future for a few days.

So, where this all leaves me is that I'm feeling pretty low.  I have some large victories, but they weren't the ones I wanted the most.  I also have a long way to go and a lot to overcome.  I know I'm mostly happy where I'm at, I know I was also happier when I was 10 pounds lighter last September - but that was so hard to maintain and now it seems near impossible to get there.  To me, right now, it's the impossible dream.  I did it, I was there, I have lost so much more than I need to right now but I'm not believing in me that I actually can.  I know I need to be here (on ExP) right now.  I know I need to get this out and face how I feel.  I know this has been going on for a while and I am only scratching at the surface of my thoughts and feelings towards me, my weightloss, and where I am going with it all.

The BAN - I need to get over tonight and the stupid dinner I had that was probably not as bad as I thought it would be, I need to get over the weekend of too much carbs and a glass of wine, I need to get through this week and on Friday I will face the music and I will pick up this trail that I have abandoned for a year.  I don't care that I've maintained, I don't care that I'm still in my JC 10 pound range, I care that I have failed to finish what I started and have lacked that chutzpah for a year.