The sporadic blogger returns again.   To be fair, I have been somewhat maintaining a non-diet related blog.

So, in my absence, I did reach my first reward, and loved the new hairdresser and slightly modified do.  I have also reached a low weight I haven't seen since February 20th - one day shy of 6 months.  I did also take my week trip away to Provo UT for some scrapbooking (same as what I did last year in Nashville and Detroit). 

After returning home from Utah I made the decision to return - somewhat - to Jenny.  My main motivating factor is I would really like the convenience of their shelf stable lunches for the summer at work, as I am a lot more on the go and I worry about food spoilage in a hot vehicle.  I also really want to support DH in his quest to finish the job he started nearly 3 years ago.  He has really struggled over the last year and a half, and one of the things that did work for him was when we were both on program.  I also really enjoyed chatting with Carm.  So it's a low stress maintain and try to lose a bit return.  I stll do my own thing on my days at home, and sometimes for work as well. I was just getting very bored with my limited safe food options to take on the road at work.  I'm sure I talked about this before, but this time I actually went in and did it.  It actually felt good to prove that I wasn't a statistic, but that I was still maintaining where I left off with no backslide to speak of.  I'm sure they've seen it enough, and probably expected it when I made the decision to go on my own.

And now, I have a little over 7 weeks to lose 8 pounds to my next goal and reward that I *really* want to see before we leave for our Mexico anniversary trip.  It seems like for the last 3 trips I've said I wanted to be smaller for when we went on whatever trip, but my actions didn't really follow suit.  I didn't gain, I just maintained.  I'm thinking that is because I am mostly happy with where I am at.  That said, at least now my actions are a lot more in tune with making beach hotness a reality.  Maybe once I see how the other side live, my contentment here will no longer exist.

I'm fine, everything is fine.  Status quo for me.  I'll be around to visit later.

I've been uber good since June 30th, and am being quite rewarded by the scale.  I only have 2 pounds to go to the first reward that I am giving myself.  However, I am finding reward in other small things.

I went to my session with Cindy this afternoon and it felt really good to fit in such a tough workout before work.  We were doing some really tough things and I managed to get through it, which is also awesome.  And finally, it was the first time in a long time that I walked in there feeling like I looked pretty good.  Afterwards I was forced to wear my newest skinny pants to work and for a change they are actually quite comfortable and not wedged in tight.  They changed the style this year, so while I ordered the size I should be wearing, the cut on it is smaller - oy!  I think I'll be able to get through the night and not be in agony from too tight pants.

It's also amazing that my diet and exercise vigilance is only inspiring me to be more so.  Tomorrow night is the only full night DH and I will have together this weekend because I picked up 2 overtime shifts - more on that in a sec.  That yearly international eat fest is going on in our area this weekend and it would be so tempting to go and make a night of it, but I know I will insist on staying home and being healthy.  I am working way too hard to throw it all away for one night.  Plain and simple, I *want* to be healthy.  I really love the healthy me.

As for the overtime.  I will have worked 3 extra shifts in a little over a week.  This is all just for extra spending money for while I am away in Utah.  I want to have enough sitting in the bank that I can comfortably shop without worry, and know that I well earned every penny that I am spending.  Time is of the essence because I need to get all the shifts done by I think the 19th so I can get paid for them all before I leave, and I think this weekend should do me in just fine so I won't need to take anymore.  So, a little bit of short term pain for long term gain.  The one small upside is weekends home tend to be really hard on me diet-wise, so that will be removing one of my temptations.

I think I have a hint of TOM going on - but really hard to tell.  I'm a touch crampy and today was the first day since the 30th that I haven't posted some semblance of a scale loss.  I'm also exceptionally tired and hungry, but both of those could be related to a busy work/gym schedule.  Thankfully tonight is my last night for 2 weeks.  I hope this weekend will see me reach goal #1!

Well, where to begin…

After a busy June, I seem to be hitting the ground running for July.  Like many other bloggers July seemed to spark a recommittal on my part back to my healthy ways.  I took a definite leave in June with my unexpected week away, and then the week at the cottage, working crazy hours, not working out like I had been in past months, and the end of it was our June long weekend.  I had 2 pretty off plan days to end the month – first on a cross border day where I had planned to be bad, and the second day we went to a friend’s for a great afternoon BBQ, and I had a lot of wine to drink, and some delicious cheese I should have never read the nutritionals on.  In the end I was up 12 pounds – how quickly they come, however I question how true they are as 7 are gone after only 1 week of being fully diligent with eating and half diligent with exercise.  I would have been better on the exercise front but I’ve started to pick up overtime again so I can have more money to shop with in Utah.  I also have many other wants and needs around the house that also require cash, and having the extra on hand will obviously make things a lot easier to do. 

At being up 12 to an unsettling BAN of 162.0, I decided it was high time to bring back some rewards.  I also decided I wanted to lose a realistic 20 to start and go from there.  So, after my first 10-pound loss (though I’m tweaking that number a bit to be a little more than 10 gone to be 151.2) I will be going for a hair appointment.  I had one booked for my first week of vacation, but had to cancel when it would have been while I was away.  I’ll definitely be doing the cut, may consider some highlights as well because it’s been a while since I’ve had those done.  The next 10-pound reward (at 141.2) requires a little bit of shopping.  I had a great pink knit sweater that I used to love to pull on with *everything*.  Unfortunately, one day at the gym I set it down on a bench in the change room and forgot it there when I left, and it’s never been seen since.  So, I need to get a replacement.  The replacement will be a Lululemon remix lulu hoodie in some shade of pink.  I am confident I will reach my first goal before I leave for Utah and I plan to reach the second by the time we leave for Mexico in October.

The big thing for me is I just generally felt better psyche wise 10 pounds lighter than I am now.  I loved how I felt hanging out at the 143-146 range.  Maybe part of it was the lean-ness and how I liked how a lot of my clothes fit.  At this stage in the game, /- 5 pounds makes a *huge* difference.  I know another part of it was I felt like a true success and I feel less so now that I have let some creep back on – as evidenced by the fact that I have completely refused to update my weight graph to show me above goal again.  Yes I am back at the Jenny maintaining range, but I’m not happy on this end of the range.  It was relatively easy to maintain, the tough thing for me was getting back that low after last October’s Mexico trip, in fact I never did get back there.  It was total complacency rather than doing the work that got me to there in the first place.

It’s time to face the music, and update the graph on both ends, as dreadfully hard as this is.  I loved to watch my little line inch it’s way down to goal and then beyond, it’s time I start to make that happen again, and be true to myself with where my true goals really lie.  What I didn’t point out, is my second 20 will bring me to the century club of an even 100 lost.  So far I am doing these next I guess now 15 on my own, though I may go back to JC with DH.  He has spent a lot of time struggling and I know that with that structure he excels.  He is still at a point where he needs that structure, and with me cooking a lot during maintenance, the fixed structure doesn’t exist like it used to.  He has other things going on as well that give him challenges that are far different than the ones I had to face, but I think it will be easier to support him if we are both on plan.  Besides, I miss talking to Carm, and I’m starting to run low on bars – which I still love to have for days that I don’t feel like having my smoothie.  Is that failure at maintaining? Not a chance!  I’ve been on my own since January and have been just fine, and have lost 7 on my own without any JC food.  I know I can be safe and can maintain where I want while I am preparing and portioning my own foods.  I can also lose too
 

When I worked as a manager with Starbucks I'd have a regular meeting with my district manager called a monthly status report, or MSR.  It was a general operational update type meeting.  So, it seems fitting that precisely one month since my last post, I am giving a general operational update on my last month.

In the weightloss category - thanks to the last 2 weeks of my life, I'm fairly unchanged.  And more to that later.  Also, because of my last 2 weeks my fitness has also suffered and taken a bit of a back seat.  I went a week and a half between Cindy sessions, and workouts in general and I definitely struggled more than I ever anticipated with the second session.

So - onto that "more" about the last 2 weeks of my life.  May 29th my vacation from work began.  My first week off was going to be filled with odd tasks around the house and getting some painting done as part of the next steps towards getting ready to list.  However, on June 1st things rapidly changed.  I received some pretty horrible news that a friend of mine from my childhood had been murdered and the funeral was in 3 days - and at the other end of the country.  I took the news very hard - it's just not something you ever expect to hear, or have happen to someone you know and care about.  I wound up booking a plane ticket the next day to leave on the 3nd and come home late on the 4th/early on the 5th.  I did have a nice, albeit brief, visit with my other very close girlfriend from childhood - the 3 of us lived next door to each other, went to grade school together, did *everything* together, we probably were the original BFFs before we ever even knew they existed.  In some ways it seemed fitting that the 2 of us were together to say our final farewells to her, and to support each other through a very difficult time.  It's still all very surreal to me, and I still struggle to have it fully register that she is gone, and that she was murdered.

I came home early Friday morning, Caturday we were having Dad over to celebrate his 65th birthday and Monday I was leaving again to spend some time with 10 other girls from work at a cottage for a few days.  The cottage trip was totally planned for my vacation, and I returned home for Wednesday dinner.  It was followed by 3 quiet days at home to go back to work today and begin "Hell Week"  I'm now working 7 of the next 8 days.

The cottage time was a ball and I made a conscious effort to not worry about food and drink.  I'm happy to report I'm back to the same weight I was May 30th, before this craziness all began.  My work gf's gave me the name Tiny T which was very cute and had me lifted until today when some pissant called me stocky....yes...stocky...I'd have harmed him but there were witnesses

So, onward and downward from here.  I'm pretty committed to battling my maintainer mindset and have enjoyed feeling the scale rewards every morning.  That is absolutely my biggest battle right now - I enjoyed maintaining for too long and haven't worried too much about keeping on the straight and narrow all the time, and thus the holding pattern I've been in for the last year. 

Yes - I am a 1 year maintainer.  I was so busy through these last 2 weeks that I didn't even realize my anniversary of reaching goal had come and passed.  Maintaining has been still mostly pretty easy for me, but my hunger to press on is growing.  Fun time is over, and I need to return to the drive to lose that I once had. Each day that I battle my food demons and win, I know it is back.

I will check in on everyone through the week at a slowish pace.  It is hell week after all...

It's been eons since I've been here.  I get the updates on google reader, so I've been reading about many struggles and many triumphs - but I haven't felt a compelling urge to visit, support, and update.  To be fully honest in many ways I feel like the square peg trying to fit in the round hole.   I also don't have a lot to report beyond just my day to day life - that to me often isn't worth typing about.  So..what has been going on...?

First and foremost, DH is working again and has been for almost 2 weeks.  He seems happy, and I'm just happy to have that stress out of my life.  I'm a little disappointed he didn't get all of his HoneyDo list done before going back to work.  However, I am definitely happier to have him working than a finished HoneyDo list.  And yes, it is an actual HoneyDo list - I altered a clipboard just for him to house the lists of jobs I want him to take care of, or grocery lists, or whatever.  I'm not a mean wife, he actually likes it - both the list and the clipboard!

The HoneyDo list - This time it was comprised of things to do around the house.  The week he was laid off I had plans to go speak with a real estate agent about getting our house ready to list.  I am more than ready to go, I am fed up with our next door neighbor and I would dearly love to be a little closer to work.  I love my house, but it's time to go and move on - the amount of work to be done is just a bit overwhelming.  I am coming up to 2 weeks off, however, so I should be able to get some of it done myself since we aren't going to be traveling as planned.  I've actually officially given up on scheduling vacation time in June to go to Cuba.  After 2 straight years of those plans being foiled, I know better than to plan it again!  Either way, the bigger thing for me will just be getting the house listed and sold and moving to somewhere I've wanted to be for a while.

Travels - I am getting away for a couple of days during my June vacation to a gf's cottage. She hosts a ladies only time every year and this year I got my first invite and I'm pretty stinkin happy to be going.  I just need to grab another respectable looking swimsuit because I'm not so sure I want my co-workers to see me in a 2 piece given I still have a lot of work to be done.  So, another tankini or 1 piece is a necessity.  I have also booked a trip to Provo UT with one of my girlfriends.  To scrapbookers, Provo is *the* mecca.  The weekend is much the same as what I did in Detroit and Nashville last year, only this time I am flying with a gf and we are leaving our men at home.  I'm actually really excited because it looks gorgeous, and I otherwise have no other reason to travel to Utah.  DH and I are still planning our usual anniversary trip to PV and we are also planning on returning to the awesome LeBlanc in January or February of next year.  I have a few other weekend getaways planned - like my Black Friday shopping spree potentially with a Patriots game on that Sunday, or going to see them in Indy earlier in November and that same weekend taking DH to see the Irish just up the road.  I'm not sure it's safe for me as a Pats fan to be going to a Pats game in Indy however.

Cindy - What can I say, she rules, seriously rules.  I've been working with her pretty consistently twice a week and I'm amazed at how fit I've become.  She took my weight and measurements a few weeks back and on her scale I'm at the top end of normal for BMI and body fat%.  She's more concerned with getting body fat% down rather than worrying too much about a scale number.  I am seeing my body change, and it seems mostly for the good.  My scale is back on a downward trend.  I've tweaked my calories back down to 1200/day and am starting to see some good results.  I'm getting a lot of upper body definition and it's stuff I've never seen on me before.  The mutant pooch, still present, is smaller.  My hanging lower belly fat, hangs less.  The only curious thing is some of my pants and shorts are strangely tight which makes no sense to me.  She's going to recheck everything in mid-June and I'm doing my best to make some hardcore progress between now and then.

The Title - Cindy has me doing lots of pushups with many variations (ball, bosu, small ball, dumbbell, etc.).  One day at home I was feeling pretty strong and opted to test if I was able to do boy pushups yet.  I got through 10 with relative ease.  I don't remember the last time I was able to do them that way.  Yesterday, when I stepped out of the shower, I was noticing that my biceps are looking quite defined and the batwings are firmer and leaner.  More testing then ensued.  First with a handstand - easily done, though balance could be better.  After that went well, cartwheel time.  Fun and easy!  Been eons since I could do that too.

So, there's me and what I've been up to for the last month.

To my friends who came by and offered support - I am overwhelmed, and I thank you so very much.  I really hadn't planned on being back here so soon, and I can't make a lot of promises - though I will be more than likely sending some personals out tomorrow night from work (as long as dispatch and management leave me alone!).  I have been very very touched by your kindness.  As for me - I'm doing surprisingly ok.  Now that the inital shock has worn off, I'm in this bizarre space of optimism with a bit of denial, and a bit of "ignore it and it doesn't exist" for good measure.  However, in the first week he will have been on 5 interviews with more to come - so I guess it's a bit of calculated optimism.

Just prior to the layoff, I had started a 21 day challenge - inspired by a scrapbooking project I came across online.  The idea was to stick to plan for 21 days - food and exercise, and I was going to do a small journal/scrapbook about the 21 day return to the straight and narrow.  Well, the challenge still goes on and I'm 12 days into the straight and narrow, complete with a dinner out at my aunt's last week, perfectly on plan.  This week I have been very very discouraged.  Monday all I wanted to do was eat - it was like there wasn't enough food in this world that would satisfy my hunger.  Tuesday, all I wanted was junk food - didn't matter what, just didn't want to be on plan.  Each day my BANs have been rising by about a pound or so which really didn't help.  I was beginning to wonder what was the use of sticking to this healthy business, and working out, only to be hungry all the time and have the scale revolt on me daily (and no my clothes aren't necessarly any looser either, I don't really notice any difference to be honest).

Tonight, after my now 12th Cindy session, things started to change.  I was noticing some subtle changes in my clothes while watching form on some of my sets tonight that I asked DH to snap a photo or 2 for me so I could compare today vs the aerobathon (lil over a month ago but I did have 2 weeks off with das foot).  My top is definitely looser through the waist, and I appear to have me some muscles... The proof is in the pictures..

After

Before

A little over a year ago - almost precisely 13 months, and yes I'm counting, I began to deal with some unbelievable stress after DH was laid off.  I disappeared from here because I was more worried about supporting myself to keep as much on plan as I could.

Today is more of the same, only different.  I have added worries this time around that are far greater than just keeping to a diet and fitness plan.  I won't be blogging because I won't have anything happy to post about really, and I fully expect much of my free time to be occupied by as much overtime as I can snag.  I'll be fine, I'm not going to be doing any backpedalling.  I just need to support me now more than ever.

Keep going..you all rock...and by the time I get back we can all share in stories from life as a maintainer..

Loving it!  I feel my muscles ache again, and it is good!  My first day back went very well.  Das foot is doing great - though it felt a bit funny on a steeper incline on the treadmill, which was easy enough to scale back to a smaller incline and carry on at a faster rate.  In a lot of places I was able to pick up where I left off and was using the same weight I was using before my forced hiatus.

In my previous doom and gloom post I spoke briefly about the power of my brain - and it was put into play in yesterday's session as well.  Mid way through one of my sets I was starting to feel like I wouldn't be able to complete the set.  Well - with a form spotter in place who encouraged me to just close my eyes and get through it, I no longer had the visual of a struggling me staring back at me in the mirror, just some belief and encouragement.  And I did it!  I know, had I not redirected my focus I would have given up.  I find this helps a lot in cardio as well through some really intense segments (on a machine only, definitely *not* recommended for step aerobics!) but I'll just zone in and concentrate and push, thinking about just doing it, rather than how I'm struggling to get through.  The time flies by and I can complete whatever it is, it just takes the right kind of focus.

We spoke a bit on our bodies vs our cars.  Cindy pointed out something very true - we often treat our cars better than we treat our bodies.  If something breaks down on our cars we are quick to fork out the money to get it fixed, but we are so reluctant to make that same investment in ourselves.  We wouldn't think of running our car on fumes, and yet we skip meals and expect our bodies to be able to perform on those same fumes.  And just like a car, our bodies function better when they are properly maintained.  I'm going to make sure I treat myself like an Audi R8. *quiver*

Last night in preparation for going in to my last 2 nights for 2 weeks I went in search of some things to keep me occupied on my down time while at work.  I managed to find the Michael Losier The Law Of Attraction audiobook.  I'd been wanting to read the book book (thanks to his awesome weekly segment on my Oprah XM!), but well, the audiobook is free, and I can listen, and jot notes, and absorb.  Tonight I sat down with it and started to listen.  I've gotten through roughly half of it so far and have already come a long way.  It's been some really interesting food for thought.  I started off with doing one of the exercises and applied it directly to health - as it has been first and foremost on my mind with my return to the gym (more on that in another post because this one is long enough as it is).

The first step in trying to change what you attract is to identify what it is you *do* want to attract.  He then recommends you make a contrast list - first listing all the negative things you don't want, and then changing them into words of what you do want - the longer the list the better because it helps to really narrow down and make things more clear.  I now have a list sitting on my desk filled with what I do and don't want in terms of my immediate health.  It's been a tremendous eye opener, some good, some not so much.  I've made tremendous progress and great strides over the last  two and a half years, and yet in some ways I haven't progressed at all. 

Some examples of what I listed as what I don't want are things like:

...I don't want to be fat anymore...I don't want to wear clothes that hide my flaws...I don't want people to say I look good for my age...I don't want backfat...I don't want muffin top...I don't want to hide my fat in pictures anymore...I'm tired of recommitting to getting back to losing these last 15 pounds...

Some examples of what I listed as what I do want are things like:

...I want my exterior to be as beautiful as my interior...I want to be lean and trim...I want to wear flattering appropriate clothes...I want people to think I look good, fit, healthy, lean, strong...I want a sexy back with shape and defined muscles...I want trim hips...I want to stand lean and proud in front of the camera...I want to be a model of fitness and nutrition and weigh 135 or less with a healthy BMI.

The bottom line is glaring at me - I still have a really shitty self image.  Even my list of positive thoughts/desires to me has an overwhelming negative undertone. Reaching my first goal didn't change that.  If anything, I feel like it's amplifed things, because it was easier to hide behind the fat and have little expectations of myself - as well as allowing people to have little expectations of me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of what I have done.  Losing over 90 pounds and maintaining for close to a year is tremendous.  I fear reaching all the things on my desired list and still not being happy - and I probably won't be.  During one of our sessions Cindy enlightened me to that - that every woman in my gym has a self esteem issue, including her.  Well, of course we do, because we are all there in a quest for self-improvement.

In all honesty, I think part of what has held me back in reaching those things on my desired list is I stopped believing in me, and what I am capable of.  Ironically - two and a half years ago I thought losing 92 pounds was do-able, but now to lose 15 seems impossible and something I'm completely incapable of.  How absolutely asinine is that?  I think it may be because I have a tangible memory of hanging out at this weight, but I am not fully sure of what 135 is really like for me, so it's hard for me to see myself there.  I know I could give up on the scale number concept and just focus on fitness, which is mostly fine, except I still have a lot of fat to get off me and it's the first tangible thing I think of when it comes to tracking fat loss.  My brain frustrates me so.  It enables me to go on, it holds me back.  I really need to gain control over my thought processes and get my brain on my side, where I need it to be.  Perhaps tonight I am taking the first steps towards that...

Weekend Update – with me!

Most of my weekend has been spent working nights – as is my life once a month.  It’s been a mostly peaceful and sane weekend at work for me, which has been really nice.  I managed to take some time on shift last night to hit the weight room at one of the bases and get a decent upper body workout in.  My 2-week rest period is up and tomorrow I’ll be back to the cardio with a Cindy spin class.  Speaking of Cindy – she’s booked me in for 2 sessions this week, so it appears I’ll be back with a vengeance.  I know I should have been better about keeping up with an arm workout, but it was hard being forced away from doing some things that I love – and thus, I allowed the depression to hold me down.  I’m genuinely surprised at how much I’ve missed my workouts, and how much I’ve missed the gym.  I wonder if that is in part because it was not my choice to stay away.

Caturday afternoon I did wind up picking up the new chariot – and yes it’s a spiffy blue Jetta.  I loved my first one, so it really didn’t make sense to get something different, just for the sake of getting something different.  I did encounter the last expected pothole as well, but it also went a lot smoother than it could have.  I’m genuinely just relieved that it seems to be mostly over.  I just have to run that blasted valet key over that I couldn’t find all week, until after I got home with the new car.  I stress about money things.  I probably always will.

My eating for the weekend has been mostly awesome – except for some jackass who thought it would be a good idea to bring in a huge bulk bag of Mini Eggs and leave it unattended at a base.  Seriously uncool!  6 of those little bites of heaven found their way into my hand, and then promptly into my belly, and then they were tracked online.  I’ve grown a bit frustrated with Fit Day, and have migrated over to The Daily Plate.  I stumbled upon it when I was looking for some nutritional info to plug in for a custom food on Fit Day, and TDP already had it in their database without having to add the custom thingie.  I’ve been really impressed with it and have been religiously tracking for the last 3 days.  The only thing that really ticks me off is it seems you have to pay if you want to fully enter a custom food, and it's free at Fit Day.

Tonight I woke up to an awesome Clean dinner made by DH.  I’m finding that the Clean recipes are absolutely delicious, I feel amazing when I eat so healthy, but they tend to be labor intensive, and call for some bizarre ingredients I wouldn’t normally have on hand – or don’t really have the means to prepare i.e. yogurt cheese.  I may wind up getting that fine strainer and cheesecloth just to make more of these recipes that call for this yogurt cheese business.  And to think, in my line of work, the only known use for cheesecloth is to strain the blue dye from Aqua Velva before drinking.