Raspberry Ramblings

Stepping Back

Friday, November 2, 2007 00:02:06

Ok.

It seems universally accepted that after 2 months off the pill your hormones settle back down.

So I am relaxing until after Christmas.

Eat what I want, be as active as I want.

Jan 1st.

2009.

The year that I turn 39.

That gives me 29 days to get my head and hormones right.

Enough even for me.

And guess what?

Every other time I have given myself 'time off' i have lost weight!

Today I am grateful:

That I worked from home and Ian had the day off

That we have a gorgeous kitten

That I love our Christmas tree

That tomorrow is hump day

That we have NO plans this weekend

That we may get a second kitten

Comments(2)

I am here... but I am so not there!

Friday, November 2, 2007 00:01:17

In 3 weeks (since Nov 10th) I have put on 2.1kg (4.7lb).

That would be the three weeks since I decided to really focus on weight loss.

That would be the three weeks that I ate chocolate like it was about to be made extinct.

That would be 3 weeks since I went off the pill.

My hormones are... well rabid!

I cry ALL the TIME! I eat everything. I eat til I feel ill.

I cried on Sunday for these "reasons":

Listening to Christmas Carols
Because I could not decide what to eat for tea
When Ian rang to say he was not sure how much longer he would be at work.

Oh and the virtual 'after' photo of what I could have looked like on my wedding day.

I must say it is more inspiring than upsetting. I know Ian and all my friends and family thought I looked great on our wedding day. I didn't. The photo wasn't an "OMG I looked like that"?? It was an "OMG I could have looked like that".

The thing is I never 'loved' my wedding dress. And I now know why. That photo is how I thought it would look. Actually that isn't even right. I thought it would be a tighter bodice with the tulle flowing from the ribbon. Of course I know why she didn't do that. The tulle would have had to 'flow' over my hips and stomach. In the smaller picture that style would have worked.

So.... my reward for getting back on track and losing that 58lb (26kg)?

I am going to buy a cheap second hand wedding dress. Then I am going to do a 'trash the dress' photo shoot!

Sadly.... I have no idea how to get back on track. I don't know where to start. Exercise is ok. It is the eating that is not. I think the first step is seeing my doctor and getting a load of blood tests to see what my body is low in that is making me CRAVE so much.

As seeing her usually takes about 3 weeks I will continue with what she gave me last time - 3 fishoil capsules, 1 evening primrose capsule, 3 vitamin D capsules and 1 multivitamin.

Secondly I need to work out what I am scared of. I feel my fear. It sits just above my diaphragm. I just don't know what causes it. And it is the fear I am trying to bury in chocolate. I need to go and sit quietly somewhere and allow myself to feel scared so that I can try to work out what I am scared of....

Wish me luck!

I WANT to be a success story so badly. I just can't seem to stop eating chocolate!

Comments(3)

Virtual After Photo

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:09:15

I have a new before and 'virtual' after photo!

What I COULD have looked like on my wedding day if I had bothered to lose weight!

Right now I am angry.

Hopefully that will translate to inspired!

PS - Ian thinks I should not have used my wedding photo - but I knew that image would have the biggest impact.

PPS - thank you GCQMum for sharing the link!

Comments(5)

What I KNOW is not what I DO

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:09:06

I know what works. I know what works for me. I know why I want to become slim.

I can't seem to make the transition from knowledge to action for more than a day or two.

The times I have successfully lost weight in the past 11 years:

8 months on WW - never went over my weekly points in the entire time. Put the weight (52lb) back on in the next 8 months

Rehabilitation after knee reconstruction. I had to exercise regularly. I lost 10kg (22lb) with no conscious effort. I put 5kg back on when I became aware of the loss. The other 5 stayed off a while.

This January I lost 4 or 5kg doing WW for 4 weeks.

This May I lost 6kg in 10 days doing Cohens before the depression the diet caused got too much for me.

Deciding to not diet I lost 2kg in 5 days.

And right now I weight about 6kg less than my highest ever weight. About 4kg less than my weight on Jan 1st this year.

No answers there that I can see!

Today I am grateful:

That I decluttered 4 rooms in our house

That I COMPLETED my CHristmas shopping

That it is Saturday so I can relax tomorrow

For my wonderful wonderful husband

For My Mum (whom I have spoken to on the phone 7 times today!)

Comments(1)

Hmmmmm

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:09:01

Well.

What can I say.

My hormones are a NIGHTMARE since coming off the pill.

I sat in a bath last night and sobbed for NO reason!

And I have eaten so much chocolate I felt sick last night.

So....

Onto the good news....

I finished my christmas shopping this morning!

Ohh and I submitted a photo on the site GCQMum found.... I am hoping seeing myself 50lbs thinner will be inspiring rather than tear inducing... or at the least both!

Comments(2)

Choc free day!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:07:06

I did it! It was kind of accidental! I got busy at work... we didn't go to any shops since I got home. A choc free day!

It was also exercise free... well I did walk at lunch when I went to buy my brothers christmas present, but it was only 3 blocks each way!

Happy girl.

PS - today I am grateful for everything!

Comments(5)

Billy Blanks day 2

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:06:06

I got a lot further today than Sunday. Still only 15 mins out of 37! But improving.

And I ate less chocolate. None at work.

Today was a good day!

Oh my grateful list:

I am glad I am not a woolworths UK employee

I am grateful for my wonderful husband

For my amazing family

For Christmas shopping (guilt free spending!)

That we are going to get a fence and a puppy! (when we agree on a breed!)

Comments(3)

So much for wake up calls...

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:05:15

I ate 3 chocolate bars yesterday.

Breakfast: cereal with skim milk and sugar (we are out of splenda)

Snack: muesli bar

Lunch: 3 cooked tuna sushi rolls

(this is where it goes wrong)

Snack: 55g choc bar (I was feeling really sleepy and just caved)

Snack: cherry ripe 55gm choc bar

Dinner: pork fillet (very lean), baked potato with low fat cream cheese, peas, gravy, apple sauce

Snack: cherry ripe 55gm choc bar

A positive? I ate less choc than the past 6 work days.

Another positive? Today is a new day, a fresh start, and the sun is shining!

Ohh another positive: I did my 1hr dance lesson last night and loved it!

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My wake up call

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:04:19

I just read Fiona's post (the other Fiona lol) and thought about my wake up call. So I opened word and just let it all flow. Here are the results.... totally unedited....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wake up call…

My wake up call is probably typical of me… I press snooze most mornings from 6:15 (first alarm) until 7am when I get up. That gives me 40 minutes. I also have a back up alarm that goes off at 7:20. That is the quick shower, throw on clothes, no breakfast or makeup and still get to work on time alarm.

So I don’t have a “moment”. I have a build up of moments.

Here are some of them from the past month or so:

Being an obese bride

Plane rides with my 170kg husband where between us we really need 3 seats for comfort

Tanning beds and realising that when I lay down I have huge folds of fat and therefore my tan has white patches. Even though I was naked. Big white patches.

Reading a story of a woman who lost 85kg. Crying. She lost nearly three times what I need to lose. She did it.

Buying summer clothes and choosing between wearing tents and showing my fat rolls.

Feeling disgusted with myself

Hiding my eating (I pour the chocolate buds into my coffee cup on my desk at work and hope nobody notices me scoffing them)

Reading an article in my slimming magazine about a guy who basically says ‘no excuses, you are fat, you did it, you fix it’

Loving exercise but not doing it

Realising I am still a scaredy cat when it comes to being slim

Realising I am not sure I want babies

I am not sure I want babies

Oh dear.

I am 38.

Yes I want babies.

I am not sure we can have them.

I am not sure I will cope if we do everything right and we can’t have them.

Oh dear, now teary and I am at work.

I do want babies.

I need to lose weight if I do OR don’t have babies.

I need to lose weight

I want to lose weight

I WILL lose weight.

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I feel like that was a little breakthrough. I kind of knew my chocolate scoffing was fear induced. I was worried it was fear about having a baby. Now I know it is fear of not being able to I can deal with that. And separate it from my eating.

Comments(6)

Today is a fresh start

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:04:15

I am literally going to take this one day at a time. Today will be chocolate free. Tonight I have my first dance lesson.

Tomorrow I will worry about tomorrow!

Comments(2)