Daily Breakdown Fat Girl Style

17 mini Twix bars:  $1.98

4 Diet Cokes w/ Lime: $1.74

3 handfuls of Cashews: stolen from co-workers desk

3 year old raisin found behind a file drawer that a co-worker convinced you to open your mouth for so he could jump-shoot across the room and you agreed because you thought he wouldn’t make it but he did: mental anguish and a bathroom trip

Giving Mr. Snacky the evil eye from across the breakroom hoping that he would blow a fuse and quit his constant humming: joyfully free

Having to undo one of your pants buttons because the 17 mini Twix you ate throughout the day are catching up to you now, and you feel like Shamu but then Mr. Hot FedEx guy comes in and says “you look great today, have you lost weight?” winks at you in a not-at-all sleazy way and leaves in a waft of Burberry and cardboard packages: PRICELESS!!!

Couch Munchin' Epiphany

Good lord I was sick last night!!! The swishing and swirling of junk food in my belly was almost too much for me to bear! So I'm layin on the couch watching the premier of Prison Break, and as I watch Michael Scoffield running through the woods with an intent look on his face I think to myself.... I say Self, me and you gots to come to some kind of agreement!! I take care of you and you take care of me! Whats say one day I have to run through the woods ala Mr. Scoffield there, and I run out of breath after twelve or so feet. Ugh Uhh. Can't do it! Wont do it!!! My future prison escapee career depends on this! (of course being the prude I am prison is far from my future, but the adventurous thought is a boost of adrenaline for a minute or two) Seriously though, as our hero Mr. Scoffield gets to his destination with a look of triumph on his face, me and Self seal the deal on eating right and getting a little more exercise than walking Lucifer (my beloved pit bull) around the block to relieve himself and taunt the neighbors poodle. Now me and self need to hatch a plan on what to do with that nemesis of mine, Mr. Snacky.....<<insert evil laugh as I twist my hands in deep thought>>

The Evil Mr. SnackMachine Strikes Again

well well well, my formidable foe is at it again. today alone ive chomped on just about every texture and flavor of heaven the evil one offers for a low low price. But alas the treasure of loose coins at the bottom of my purse is depleted and i sit here in sugar shock with my teeth throbbing from that last bag of Reese's Pieces.... Why do i do this to myself I ask mentally. maybe if i wear a different color to work tomorrow.... black is slimming but i always think i can get away with that last twinkie or ho-ho... oh but NO NO!!! Screw this, Im wearin white tomorrow!

flatliners

As you can tell from that flatline to the right over there, I have not lost crap... mr evil snack machine wins again

So do YOU

..

....so I am having a conversation with my so called husband on the phone a little while ago. I'm asking him to take the dog for a walk before I get home since we have to go meet some people after work, that way the dog gets his exercise and everyone is happy.

“I don't feel like going, he (the dog, who obviously has the mental capacity to follow Family Guy with all the interest of a bank loan) is watching TV, he don't need to go” argues Jackass

“He needs to have exercise!” <<being a pit bull and all, we don't want the little guy to get frustrated and gnaw out faces off in our sleep>> I say.

“well so do you!”  <<insert loud screeching sound>>

OH NO HE DIDNT!! 

Well now that did it. Even though we all know in some way that we need to lose weight, it hurts so much to have the person who is suppose to loe you no matter what, say that you need to exercise. Ugh, what the hell!! So needless to say, I am missing my meeting and staying late to work. Simply because I feel like Jabba the Hud at my desk and my mascara is shot to shit now.

Bastard.

getting screwed

this story was emailed to me this morning, and me being the connoiseur of sarcasam that I am, I decided to share this little gem with you guys....

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..

The girl said, "NO!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Moral of the Story:  . . . .

Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Now that is funny!!!

going, going, gone

ah the pangs of hunger right around 4. i often thought it a fable or wonderful fantasy fatties like me concoct out of boredom towards the end of the day to use as an excuse to visit the breakroom.... visions of hot cheetos blind me as i walk towards the bright glow that i know is there....the hummmmmmm of the machine lulls me into a deep stupor, and i almost hear whispers faintly - dorriiiiiitos, it says to me - dorriiiiiiiiitos! yes, yes Doritos! thats what I want! Crunchy delicious Doritos. Nevermind the cheese will leave their telltale tattoo of orange on my fingertips! I must have them! Almost there, hmmmmmmm. as i round the corner and make my way into the break room a few other people come into view.... one being Belinda* (*names have been changed to protect the unassuming Muse of my weight loss)  ...ahhh Belinda, perfectly tanned, perfectly coiffed, perfectly clothed, loved by all.... Suddenly I snap back to reality, looking around in a daze. Belinda chomps on baby carrots and laughs at somethign another coworker says..... What the hell was I thinking!!! Doritos? DORITOS???   Oh man, I almost blew it!!!

"How's it goin'?" says Belinda

"Great, just comin' to get me some water!" I reply.

Doritos! HA! Not this time Mr. Snack Machine! Not THIS time!!

Deal? Or No Deal?

last night i was watching Deal or No Deal, as i sat and ate Blue Bunny sugar free ice cream (suprisingly good to be quite honest) and wondering how one becomes a contestant, when the young lady who was trying to decide if she should sell her case started singing Celine Dion at the top of her lungs with wreckless abandon...now this is a girl who is not vocally gifted for one, and her clothing size is in the double digits for two, but she, at that moment, was one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen simply for the fact that she did not see these two things as handicaps, for lack of a better word.  Then, as I was swishing the last bite of butter pecan around in my gullet, they showed her husband - a rather slim trim fellow - cheering her on. Hmmmm. "Must be nice" I think to myself, recalling the last conversation I had with my husband, which went along the lines of  <<me>>"do you want to go out to eat tonight?" <<him>> "I thought you were on a diet?"...need i say more. **this just in {my mental headline reads} resturants no longer offering healthy food choices, story at eleven!**

Here's to you Deal or No Deal Girl, we should all be so lucky!  

<<sadly looks down at the empty bowl>>

Getting Started

Well here I am yet again trying something new to lose weight. Ive done it all, as I am sure we all have before. But obviously we have not found something we can work with because here we sit in front of our monitors searching for the holy grail of weight loss yet again.  I am beginning a new journey, starting today actually, to lose these 60-is pounds before New Years. Hopefully I can do it. I think I can, know it really. Its all basically a matter of discipline. "If other people can do this so can you", i say to myself without much conviction. but hopeyfully I will be able to do it this time. I am sure i can. all it takes is discipline. hmmmm. yeah. the question is, do I have enough.....