I am still truckin' on my February fast food food fast. And regular soda fast. Akthough I have a headache that is screaming "WHERE IS MY SUGAR!!??!!" but I know it will pass.
How about that Superbowl last night? What a great game. I was pulling for the Giants because they were the underdogs and because of the whole Belichek is a big fat cheater thing. But It was really fun to watch. We always do our own little buffet/eat in the living room party for the kids. They LOVE this because they never get to eat onywhere except the table. I made raw veggies and dip, chips and guacamole (ate the chips sparingly), pizza bites grapes and banana slices for the kids, and buffalo chicken tenders (tenders in the spces meant for wings... very tasty and very healthy), and brownie bites. I did have the brownie bites, because my goal is no soda and no fast food, not no brownie bites. But not a terrible Superbowl feast catastrophe, lots of veggies and lean chicken breast.
My favorite commercial was the political coke one. Or the baby e-trade ones. Or the NFL one about the oboe player. I thought the better ones were in the second half. I also liked "Bud Light. Suck one." But sometimes I have the sense of humor of a seventh grade boy.
I did well on my February fast. I did not have fast food. I also kept busy and spent less time on the computer. The house is near sparkiling and what wasn't done yesterday will get done today. So I accomplished something.
Last night we took the 3 year old to the local high school for the cheerleaders' fundraiser "Cheer Camp". She got to hang out with the cheerleaders, eat pizza, learn cheers, and got a free t-shirt to boot. All for $20. Then they performed their "routine" at halftime of the varsity basketball game. She was the littlest one there, and she got a lot of attention. She had a blast. Totally in her element with all those big girls. I don't know what I am going to do with her when she grows to a teenager. She has "cheerleader/popular girl" written all over her personality, and I was "science geek/national honor society dork". Hopefully we will learn to appreciate if not understand each other.
So for the rest of today, I will clean the rest of the house, make chicken and dumplings for our company tonite, and try to stay out of trouble. Tune in tomorrow.
Okay, it takes 30 days to make a habit, right? So I am also hoping that it takes 30 days to break a habit.
Here's the thing. I am a pretty healthy eater at home when I make my own meals. Lean meats, whole grains, etc. I think that if I would just stay out of the drive thru window and stay the heck away from regular soda, I would be coming well over half of the distance that I need to go on my journey to living free from this weight/body obsession. Oh, and one more thing. If I stay the heck off the computer, mindlessly surfing, and accomplish things during the day. Accomplishing things beyond making sure that the kids are clean dressed and fed. Beyond the minimal amount of housework to keep this place going. Because when I get into a cycle where I feel sorry for myself and sit in front of the computer to distract myself from my own sorry ass and actually accomplish things, I feel better about myself and don't feel the need to further anesthetize myself with easy, fatty, greasy, sugary food and soda sugar bombs.
But it is a habit. Wednesday mornings on my way to bible study like to go through the McD's drive-thru and get a sausage mcmuffin and a large coke, easy on the ice (to maximize the amount of coke I get). It is lunchtime when we get done on Wednesday and the kids are starved and it is so much easier to go through the drive though again to get them Happy Meals, and a Quarter Pounder no cheese for me (no fries though, I have really gotten over fries) and another large coke, maybe NO ice this time if the kids are really on my last nerve. Ahhhh, caffeinated sugar heaven. Tuesday and Thursday when I drive to preschool, I often get another big ass low ice soda. To pep me up for the day. And probably at least one other (or two if I am being honest) times during the week, I am out running errands with the kids and maybe Dad and we will stop for lunch at somewhere that supplies those crispy chicken nuggets for the kids, so I indulge then as well. I could get a salad, but in general, their salads suck, and sitting there sniffing the yummy fried goodness makes it hard to pass up.
It would be easier to pass up if I didn't go in at all.
So I am declaring a fast food food fast. For one month. February:
1. Fast food food fast. (If you have stock in the Golden Arches, now is the time to sell.)
2. No regular soda, and cut consumption of diet down to less than on a day average (forcing me to have to go 24 hours at least with out one eventually! Yikes!)
3. Keep a log of "Things that I accomplished today".
I only have to make it 28 days, buit I suspect if I make it 28 days 30 will not be a problem and then maybe oh God please maybe, I will be walking down a different path, one that is brighter and healthier.
So yeah, like the title says. Haven't lost, but then again I haven't gained, and I need to claim that as a victory. Because I am coming to realize many things about this weight loss journey (it's the journey that never ennnndddsss, it just goes on and on my friennnndddss). And here are some of those things:
1. It never ends.I am fooling myself by thinking that there is a destination on this train ride. The point is not to get off the train when I arrive in Skinnyland. The point is that I am on for the ride of my lifetime. This means that I have think differently about eating more/ moving less and stop making it a chore or a sacrafice, but just the way I am.
2. If you are a bible scholar or just a wannabe like myself, this will make more sense. I am studying Romans this year, and chapter 7 has been very enlightening about this weightloss thing. In his letter to the church in Rome, Paul writes about the essence of the Christian struggle, that every Christian struggles with, ultimately: In essence, we are made clean, sinless and guiltless through Christ's sacrafice on the cross, AND YET we allow the sin within us to continue to reign, denying ourselves the freedom that life in the Spirit affords us. Now is being fat a sin? Certainly not. Is abusing my body, shortening my life with my husband and children for the sake of yummy food and not wanting to exercise a sin? Well, I can only answer for myself. Yes. As Paul says in Romans "I know the good I should do and yet I do the very things which I hate." But ultimately, it takes living like the creature FREE from the bondage of this sin in order to do it. What is stopping me from living free? Hence my new title.
3. Another biblical analogy. (Have I never mentioned that I am a biblethumper? I am not writing this to preach, but this is where I am right now.) The man cursed with demons. Remember him? Jesus asked the demons within the man for their name and the demon replied "I am Legion, for we are many." One of the spookier passages in scripture. So I heard a sermon recently about this guy. A very different view. Usually we are fascinated with the demons and the howling the man did in the graveyard and the herd of pigs that Jesus released the demons to that ran themselves off the cliff into the sea. This sermon was about the man behind the demons. The son, brother, husband? father?, who was suddenly quite insane, strong enough that no chains could bind him. But outside of the demons grasp, he was a man. Tortured, longing to be just a man again. Even as the demons within him forced him to curse and shout at Jesus, the little bit of himself that he could control forced his body prostrate to bow before the Lord. The demons begged for mercy. The man just begged. Release me. Release me from this demon. It is applicable today. Doesn't the entire story smack of addiction? My addiction is not so tangible as drugs, alcohol, even cigarettes, but it is a demon nonetheless. I want to be free. Free of this monster that I let pick up pizza and fast food and PEPSI and the demon that straps me to the couch when my body needs to move in order to live. I KNOW the good I ought to do, and yet I do the things I hate. I do not want to be perfect. I do not want to be in control. But I do want to be free.
Well it looks like we have all lost all of our entries... for me it was a whole year's worth. Maybe this is a sign for all of us to look forward and not behind. Focus not on past successes and failures but only on what we can do for the best of our health today. And every day that is to come.
Or perhaps it is a sign that someone at Extra Pounds is in deep sh*t trouble.
I ran last night. C25Kw1d1. It was great on the third interval my body really remembered how to run and what its natural stride was. The first time I did c25k it took a long time until running was a natural feeling, but I guess it is like riding a bike. However by the 7th interval, my legs were all "please make it stop!" But I kept going and did the whole run. And I am nicely sore this morning in a way that a brisk walk couldn't do. I know it sounds crazy, but this is EXACTLY what I wanted to do on my birthday.
Those of you who have been reading me for the whole time know that on my 36th birthday I decided to do something completely outside of the box for me, to take up running and before I turn 37, run a 5k. My training was going so well that I upped it to a 10k, the Capitol10000... biggest race in Austin annually run in April. I was up to 3 miles 3x a week by the end of January when I found out that I was pregnant with baby Katie. It was very hard to give up on that goal.
So here I am, 2 years later, 38th birthday, hereby declaring: I will run a 5k by my 39th birthday. Stay tuned to see if I up the ante to the Cap10k in April.
Bad news- my emotional eating finally kicked in after the death of my brother. Weight this a.m. reflects it at 211.
Good news- the inner gazelle is stirring. I got on those running shoes and walked last night. I would have started over with the c25k, but I couldn't find my running watch and, if you have done c25k you know this, it is pretty essential. But I walked fast enough to be able to talk but not sing! It was nice. I was a big ol' grouch getting out the door because I really didn't want to go. I wanted to put the kids to bed and relax. But once I was out there all alone, knowing that dh was getting the kids down, listening to my music, it was really.... nice.
I am going to try to go at 7:30 on Tues, Thurs, Sun nights. I am hoping that having a more set plan will make me more regular and keep me honest. But it was overall a very positive beginning. I was a little worried that the gazelle had left me, but it turns out it was just sleeping.
ps.... tomorrow is my birthday..... I will be an OLD gazelle of 38.
208.2 on the scale this morning, so my decision to plod forward is paying off.
The highlight of the day yesterday- I was down to two diapers left for the baby (who turned ONE YEAR OLD on Wednesday *sniff*) and went to HEB (our local grocery for you non-Texans... my husband calls all of you Yankees, but hey, he married a Yankee...)
ANYWAY I use HEB's inhouse brand of diapers (because I am very cheap and on a budget!) and I had a $2 off coupon on the megapack (woot!), so imagine my heartache and gnashing of teeth when they had EVERY SINGLE STINKIN SIZE IN MEGA EXCEPT 3... which is what I needed. Well, crap.
There was a guy stocking the aisle so I explained my dilemma and after he looked around, he said yes, they were out of that size, but the truck was coming tonite with more diapers. I pointed to my cart full of a 4 year old, a 3 year old, and a fussy grouchy 1 year old (*sniff*) and said, "You know, it isn't real convenient to just swing by the grocery store tomorrow with my posse in tow, and besides, I am out of diapers today." (or something equally witty...) And I proposed the following "How about if you let me use the $2 coupon on the Jumbo size pack?" He said such deep important decisions fell on managements strong shoulders and went to ask.
He came back and said that they would honor the coupon only on the mega pack, but he could extend the expiration for me. I pointed out that I really needed diapers today and for the bargain basement price of a $2 coupon, HEB could win my allegience as a shopper forever, OR over a measly $2 coupon and unfortunate shortage of the size 3 mega pack, I could walk out disgruntled and downhearted with my well intentioned, but inflexible local HEB. He said he couldn't make that decision, it was above his pay grade, but he could go get the manager if I liked. I said yes.
The manager arrived and I explained the problem to him and told him my ardor was so cheap! A measly $2 coupon and I would see the grocer Howard E Butt as my hero! He smiled, took the jumbo pack and marked out the pricing bar code and wrote "NO CHARGE" and initialed it. "Your business is important to us, ma'am." Free diapers! WooHoo!
209.8, the bastard. I need to get rid of it from my scale. Previously I just wanted to be under 210. Now the scale taunts me. 209.8. I am so tired of that number. I need something new.
I am about ready to get serious again after the summer from hell. Sprained ankle, crutches, days and days of rain and kids cooped up, ear infections, vomiting viruses, too much company, helping the parents retire to my backyard, and then on September 11th, the worst of all.
My brother died. He was only 36. He had sustained a severe brain injury 17 years ago from a fall down a mountain while hiking, and years of living in a state home on enormous amounts of medications had taken its toll.
So now I have a broken heart as well, but I am finding it theraputic to get into as much routine as possible, and I feel like my health is more precious than ever.
I never really fell off the wagon all summer though, and haven't really gained, but I am stalled HARD. I am ready to take it seriously again, but it is that first step that I need to take, but then the kids get sick, or more company wants to come and stay, or my brother dies, and I feel like I don't have the strength to do it. I start and something falls apart in my life and I think "The hell with it". I am feeling cosmically picked on, even though I know that I have a God who loves me and has pulled me through this far already. But I have had enough. I need a block of time where nothing hard happens that has to be dealt with, or fixed, or handled. I need MY needs met. And I am hoping to start doing that. Journaling here first, putting this down in writing, is my first step.
HA! Gotcha, Mr. Scale. I am going to get so far below 210 that you cannot sucker punch me with that one again! (And it doesn't hurt to be in the post TOM week where I have a natural advantage while I drop the bloat!)
We'll see about that, my pretty, says the evil scale as I walk away, laughing malevolently.
