When I was growing up as a little girl I can honestly say that life as anything but a child never seemed to come to mind.  It’s almost as if I thought I’d be a little girl forever.  I was happy, I smiled all the time.  I had what seemed like a million friends.  I got to have birthday parties, and sleep overs, I was lucky.  Very Lucky.

The closer I got to my teenage years the more I changed.  I didn’t realize at the time that I was changing, but I was.  The older I got the angrier I got, the more unhappy I was.  But why?  Why did I start feeling all of these things?  I was a happy kid, I was healthy, I had more friends than I could ask for.  I lost sight of all of that though.  None of that was even a memory by age 15; the whole world was out to get me.  The world around me was changing, people around me were changing and I hated it.  Things that I’d never even thought of before were now important, very important.  What brand of jeans to wear, what color of eye shadow to wear, if I put that on… will I get made fun of?  Was any of this what really mattered?  I sure thought so.  I thought that the friends that I grew up with were changing, becoming more mature and still having fun together without effort.  I didn’t feel like that was happening for me, I felt like if I wanted to remain friends with all these people that I had to try harder.  I had to do what they were doing, or what I thought they were doing.  The harder I tried though, the worse I felt.  I wasn’t content just being me.  And by this point, I didn’t realize it, but I didn’t know who “me” was.  I’d become someone who pushed people away.  I couldn’t just be… I don’t have a better word for it.  I hated high school, I couldn’t wait for it to be over.  I had a few close friends, and what I didn’t realize, I was close to them because I felt comfortable in my own skin around them.  I could relax and not feel like I had to try, they liked me for me. 

After high school, I remained in contact with the close friends that I had made.  I still had an attitude about life though.  I thought that being out of high school would make me happy; it didn’t.  I wanted to run away, I wanted as far from the place that I grew up because I just knew that was the reason I had all these negative feelings.  It was the town, the people in it.  So after about a year that’s what I did.  I got out.  I moved to Olathe and worked at a restaurant.  I again, made a ton of friends.  This was my new start.  I could be who ever I wanted to be.  These people didn’t know who I was growing up, they know me now.  I can be me, my own person.  Or so I thought.  Again, without realizing it, I was conforming to the people around me and trying to be who I thought that they would like.  I was getting good at this by now though, they didn’t know that I wasn’t being me.  They thought that is who I was.  I started going out every night, drinking in bars before I was of age to even be in one.  Hanging out with all of these people and partying like there was no tomorrow.  Did I have fun?  Of course I did.  Were these people bad?  No, they weren’t, I stay in touch with several of them still today and I wouldn’t trade the memories I have with them for the world.  I ended up getting a DUI one night after a night out bowling with friends and did that slow me down?  Should have, but it didn’t; not one bit.  All the while though…I still was angry inside.  And yep, the world was still out to get me.  That’s why I got the DUI, the world had it out for me.  This life I was leading kept up for another 3 years, I didn’t slow down one bit and ended up with yet another DUI.  I met Bryan the night after I got the DUI, I was out, in a bar, drinking the night after I received my second DUI.  I still continued on for another 6 months as if I wasn’t going to let this change me. 

Deep down inside I knew that it had to change. I was going to continue to have bad things happen to me if I didn’t change.  This is when I began to realize that I had slow down.    I stopped going out, I lost touch with all of my friends.  I literally became a hermit and Bryan was my only source of companionship.  This however put a lot of pressure on our relationship and things between us started to get rocky because we didn’t have any space from each other.  We loved each other dearly, but we needed time to ourselves.  We were driving each other completely crazy.  On more than one occasion I thought it was over, he would leave, even if just for a few hours to clear his head.  I was still a little kid though.  I didn’t understand that what we needed was space.  I thought that space would just make us grow farther apart.  My relationship with Bryan wasn’t my first relationship.  It was however the first one that actually meant something to me and the first time I lived with someone.  I had no idea what I was doing, I just did the first thing that came to mind and that was me, smothering him.  Over the course of the first two years of us being together I had become depressed, very depressed without even really realizing it.  I had put on over 60 pounds and no longer felt attractive, which in turn hurt our relationship even further.  I was now not only smothering him, now I was jealous of other girls and was smothering him.  The whole time I knew that he was faithful, I knew that I was very lucky to have someone that loved me as much as he did, but part of me couldn’t allow myself to believe it.  It didn’t make sense to me how he could love me after watching me put on all this weight.  I stayed at this weight for another 2 years and he stayed right by me the whole time.  I became comfortable being big though.  I never had to go anywhere except for to see family, to work or to the grocery store and Bryan never complained about me being bigger.  It wasn’t until late last year that I realized what I had done to myself.  How far I had let myself go and how far lost I was.  That is when I finally woke up. 

The first week in November I made the decision to stop smoking.  I just quit cold turkey.  Then the first week in February this year some events happened with Bryan that I don’t even want to talk about.  It was stressful and I was a basket case.  I made an appointment to see my doctor and went to talk to her about what all was going on.  I was literally crying in the doctors office talking to her about everything.  I couldn’t continue living the way that I had been living.  I needed help, I was desperate for help.  She suggested putting me on an anti-depressant, and I’d been on anti-depressants before but they never really seemed to do me any good.  But I went ahead and let her prescribe me one, I figured I had nothing to lose.  So after the first couple of weeks I started noticing how much better I felt and how much happier I was.  I noticed how much brighter the world seemed and how every day seemed better than the next.  But ultimately I realized that I was finally happy.  I didn’t care that I felt this way because I was taking an anti-depressant.  Some people need things to improve their quality of life, and I obviously am one of those people.  I liked waking up in the mornings, I liked just being alive, I enjoyed getting out of the house.  I wanted to experience new things and meet new people.  I knew that I was going to be okay, I knew that I was a better person.  I was happy with who I was and excited for people to see the new me.  I’d never felt this way before, at least not in my recent past.  I was like that little girl that I once was.  I was happy and care free and nothing could stop me.

 A little over a month into this, I was still feeling great and decided that it was time to address the weight that I had allowed myself to gain over the course of the past 4 years.  So I woke up on a Thursday morning and decided this was my next step and I was going to do this and be successful this time.  If I could stop smoking cold turkey, I could do anything.  And I did just that.  I went to the grocery store and stayed out of the middle aisles just like they tell you to.  I got lots of fresh vegetables and fresh fruits and lots of lean meats.  For the first 3 weeks I just focused on my diet and got a routine down and stuck with it.  Then I decided to up the anti and add exercise.  I started with simple cardio, walking and a little light jogging and week after week I continued upping the exercise regimen.  And today, 9 weeks later, I sit here almost 50 pounds lighter and I’m proud.  I’ve worked hard for how far I have come and I still have a ways to go, but I have no doubt that I will get there.  No doubt. 

The best part of this whole journey though has been learning that I am me.  And that’s okay.  I don’t need to be more than that, nor do I need to try to be more than that.  I have friends, I still have Bryan, I have my family and they all love me, just the way I am.  Regardless of my size, or material possessions, on good days, on bad days, I am loved and cared about.  And most of all, I have learned to love myself.  I am confident in the person that I have become and I am comfortable in my own skin.