I've been dying to get my thoughts out electronically to an audience I do not have in the protected life i've created. I've decided I can't live the way i have for two and half decades. It has to change. To be honest, i've purposely chose this life style for the last 15 years, deciding i was scared of being thin and on the recieving end of attention. Who goes out of their way for the chubby girl in the corner? Well, i've learned the mean ones do. But i built myself to enjoy and combat the negitive attention in ways that mean entertainment for others. I'm lucky, i'm whitty. But when you sit in the corner all your life, you learn to be whitty. Years of practice my friends.

 

It was not until recently that I've learned of what I created. Though the theapy of friends I learned more about me in my last year than ever. I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of positive things [as silly as it sounds, i find alot of people are, and don't want to admit that] and more importantly afraid of becoming thin! [Awhaa?] Yes, as werid as it may sound. Now, i know i'm beautiful, good genes and personality. I'm not narcissitic, I've looked in the mirror, and even as a big girl, I still have a small audience of admirers. But I've been able to see it would only bloom and blossom if i lost the weight. I don't want that. I was, well, i guess you can say 'scarred' at a young age and to keep my self safe, i decided the best thing to do was to make myself unattrative by weight.

 

To be honest the real reason to lose weight, it my health. My poor body can't take it much longer, i think. I have a breathing disorder and heretary knee and ankle issues that only worsen with the weight. Not to mention, a year ago i fell. It fractured my ankle and left a 2 inch gash that was infected while I was in the hospital. [just cause they're doctors doesn't mean they always wash their hands or instruments]. But because of my weight, too much pressure pushed on the ankle, and it did not heal correctly.

 

This will be a frightening journey, and this is why i look for support here. I want to lose weight, and I am afraid. I will need motivation, I have some, but I know more can never hurt. I've been laid off recently and lazyness knocks at the door and I poliently invite him in. That needs to stop!

 

Well, heres to a start I mean to finish.