My body is sabotaging me...

... I swear, it is. So I finally decided to get off my ass and take this seriously. So last Monday I went to the gym for a good workout session, thinking I'd go at least 30 minutes every day, an hour maximum. Just to make sure I keep myself moving. So what happens on Tuesday? I wake up sick! And it's been nearly a week that I've been sick. :( So no gym, no nothing.

So... I've also had a preview of what my life is going to be like about 60 years from now. 5 pills for breakfast, porridge as a side, soup for lunch, a banana for snack, soup for dinner, and a dessert of another 5 pills. The result? A bit of weight loss, but mostly due to the lack of solid foods that I know I'll be gaining quickly once I get better. x_x

the second time around...

... is harder than the first! Ugh. I'm not losing, I'm gaining! To be honest though, I've been gorging myself silly the past week or so. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard at the moment. The first time I was absolutely committed to this, it was so easy to shed the pounds! Hmm, okay, well, easier than this time around.

But I've done this once, so I know somewhere deep down my fat-filled gut that I can do this again. I just need a good kick up the behind. And I know I can count on you guys for that. So help me out here. ;)

can't eat meat!!!

After watching the documentary "Earthlings" yesterday, I just cannot stomach the idea of eating meat. Even just walking past the meat section of the supermarket nearly made me sick.

"Earthlings" was a documentary released in 2005, narrated by Joaquin Phoenix. The version I watched was half an hour long, so I don't know if it was the full one that I saw. It talks about animal cruelty, how some circuses, zoos and labs treat animals badly.

But anyway... the images I saw pretty much turned me off the idea of being a meat-eater, so I have a feeling that I've become a temporary vegetarian. It could be a good thing I suppose. We'll see...

down and out

Work's hectic at the moment as we've got a managing director coming in for a visit. Everything has to be perfect, etc. etc... so I've had to come in on my day off to take care of my sections of the shop assigned to me. I've worked pretty much about 10 hours today, plus a few extra hours through the week. It sucks that there's no pay or anything, as I receive a salary. Hmph. I can't even get a day off.

So as some of you know, I'm a stress-eater. I just want to eat everything!!! I try to make sure I eat small portions of everything, but obviously small portions of junk is still junk that I shouldn't be eating. *sigh*

I'm expecting a gain of about 1-2 kgs. Bummer. Which depresses me even more and makes me want to self destruct with a massive tub of cookies and cream ice cream.

Stupid vicious cycle. Oh well, things should be looking up after Tuesday.

shakes anyone?

I really wish I was talking about yummy smoothies and shakes here, but I'm talking about the shakes after a workout. Does anyone else get this? And what do you do to make it go away? I've got to go to work in half an hour and oh my god my hands won't stop shaking and I haven't looked in the mirror but it feels like my limbs are moving jerkily. Is this normal???

HELP!

ridiculously sore!

Hmm, so I didn't get to go to the gym while my mom was here, but I ended up getting an impromptu exercise anyway at work! This massive delivery of books came in (I'd say about 50 boxes weighing roughly 70lbs each!), and I was moving them from a cart when halfway through the door, the cart sagged to the floor! Ugh... and I had to get out of work in 10 minutes! My workmate had a bad back so she helped me out a wee bit but I did most of the carrying... and my god I had to do it so fast it took me 5 minutes to move everything away from the door way! I was sweating as if I've been on the treadmill for half an hour!

No wonder they really do recommend weights for weight loss. :P My arms, my abs and my back hurt like crazy but I'm not going to complain!

oops

Well, not so much as oops but more of an "uh-oh". My mom just got back from overseas and she's brought me some favourite goodies that I have not had in four years!

So this morning I've had the most unhealthy breakfast (I got up around noon, yay for days off!) of cheetos, symphony toffee chip chocolates and other such junk. The baby ruth was tempting me too but I said, "STOP!"

I'm going to try to be good for the rest of the day. God knows that never happens when my mom's around! Fingers crossed. I may as well excuse myself and hit the gym tonight too!

I hope everyone's been better than I have!

a little loss is still a loss

So I'm not too fussed that I'm not losing as fast as I'd like to be. Even though I've only lost .2kg from last week, I'm not going to be down on the dumps with that. A little loss is still a loss and I'm greatful for anything right now.

I had a good day yesterday. I went to the gym for half an hour, drank 2 litres of water, only touched junk food once... and I felt really good.

I might try out fasting over the weekend as I keep reading about it in various blogs. I don't think I'd manage to do it during work as I have to stand the whole day and go up and down the stairs (the pains of being a manager in a 4 floor bookshop), so fasting might not be a good idea while I'm at work.

So it was actually good that that rude man got me really angry. I was so pissed and I decided instead of consoling myself with the cheesecake brownies I just baked, I'd use that anger at the gym instead. So take that you stupid little man!

How dare he!?!?

Our lift at work (I work at a bookshop) has a bit of a quirk. It depends on whether the lift has stopped at the 'staff only' level, where you need a key to gain access through. If the lift does stop at that level, for some reason it rises or falls really slowly from the next floor where it's going. As you can see the levels through the glass doors, customers tend to think that they're being trapped between floors since it progresses THAT slowly.

So anyway... I got in the lift from the staff level, and there was already a guy standing there. The lift proceeded to go slowly to the next level. He suddenly turns to me and says, "You're a bit heavy aren't you?"

HOW DARE HE!?!?!? I mean, seriously! You wouldn't say that to a person that you know unless you know them extremely well. And since he was a bloody customer, all I could say was, "Yeah, huge breakfast."

I'm so angry! I should have told him to stick it where the sun don't shine! Argh... I keep replaying the scene in my head and all the things that I should've said. And I'm mentally kicking myself every time I hear myself saying, "Yeah, huge breakfast."

What an ass!!! I'm so upset. I seriously cannot believe how rude he was. And most people don't even consider me overweight or anything! I know, he was just trying to be funny, but he doesn't know me at all and he doesn't know what upsets me or not. And I am incredibly upset! It's a wonder I actually didn't burst into tears in front of him!

More crazy talk

There's something seriously wrong with my head.

I know I should eat more healthy food, load up on more fruits and veggies, stay away from the junk food, but why oh why can I not step away from that goddamned cheesecake brownie that I just baked? There it is, sitting on the counter, waiting for me to take it to work tomorrow for my workmates. But oh, it's taunting me. And oh, there it goes, into my mouth, one massive serving of it. And that bannoffie pie that I was supposed to cut in half and bring home the other portion to my boyfriend? Finished in one sitting. Oops. Not. I just kept on eating it even though I felt like I was gonna explode. Just because it tasted so darn good.

I know I should exercise, but why oh why can I not get off my big behind and get on that treadmill? Hmm, I'd rather nap after work. Or I'd rather snuggle in bed and keep reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay.

And then I bitch and I moan about not losing weight and feeling like a bowl of jell-o when I walk. Then I cringe in disgust when I see my muffins hanging out of my pants while I'm getting ready for work.

I'm so angry at myself and disgusted.

I have to learn to say NO. Same as with my spending problem (Hi, my name is Toni and I'm a chocoholic and a spendaholic. Nice to meet y'all.). I should just learn to say a big fat HELL NO.

So, I'll put my counselling into good use here. No way did I spend $40 that I couldn't afford for every week for a whole year for nothing. By probably channeling that anger and self-loathing into something productive (oh my god I can hear my counsellor's voice in my head...), perhaps I could reverse the situation.

This should be something useful.