attempt at introspection
September 1st. New month, new beginning. New pear? I don't know that yet. I can't say that all my temptations to sabotage my attemps will never appear again, because I know that not to be true. Naturally there will be times I do not feel as dedicated as I do now. How to deal with those times? I'm not quite sure of that yet either but for the sake of my sanity and self-acceptance I will say it shouldn't...can't have anything to do with going off the wagon.
I'm not sure I'm concerned about numbers anymore. Who am I kidding? Of course I am on some level. It would be more appropriate to say I'm less concerned with them. I'm concerned with feelings. I know how it is to feel good about what I am doing and how my body is looking and I would like to be there. So although my goal has to be set as a number, I want so much more than that. What I seek most? Control.
Before starting this new journey I guess it would be good to reflect on my last attempt. When critiquing it is good to start with a few positives, right? So I will. Because I did the Biggest Loser DVD and the treadmill workout found on Marie Claire, I have acheived an overall noticably better level of fitness. My self-control, although it is not where it needs to be in the long run, has improved. Food has lasted longer around here. Here come the negatives. First, my attempts to fool myself. My attempts to justify actions I knew to be bad for me. Second, my attempts to deal with deep stuff going on my life by joking around or undermining how I felt about it. Thirdly and most obvious, self-sabotage. Working hard and undoing it. Losing and regaining to ultimately reflect a 7.5 pound loss over 6 months when clearly much more was going on than that. I can't count the pounds lost and regained, but the number is not near 7.5.
Quite honestly I am not comfortable with the person I am now. By nature I tend to be extremely self-conscious and self-critical. While I don't believe that it is impossible to lose and maintain weight with those characteristics I think that it would make a big difference if I invest some time in working on that.
On a separate and much lighter note, Quaker weight-control oatmeal is extremely filling. I highly recommend it for those who have trouble with pre-lunch snacking.
Best luck and wishes to all.