I am very territorial when it comes to stupid things. For instance,in college I always had to sit in the same seat in class and had so much anxiety when people would take my seat. At work, I sit in the same seat at lunch in the lounge. I don't know if it is a territory thing or the fact that I have diagnosed myself as having OCD. Soooooooo... went to the gym, I use the same elliptical everytime and lately people have been on it, so I have a second elliptical that I use as a back up. If those are busy, I'll just go on the treadmil with a lot of anxiety. I refuse to use the other ellipticals. So at the gym at 3:45, you would have thought it was 6am everything was taken. So, I of course was super pissed that my ellipticals were taken and they are in two different parts of the gym. I paced back and forth between the two areas and of course the people decided to stay on my ellipticals forever because they knew I was waiting!!!
Now, the sane person I am knows that they are probably like me and get pissed when I am on the elliptical during their time. But I don't rational right now, I just want to use my damn elliptical and the time I want to use it. IS that too much to ask?
p.s. I know all of my blogs are like rants, but I'm not really a negative person, and I always try to help people in a positive light and feel better about themselves. I just like to bitch about my own life!!
After an upsetting weekend and a lot of self-loathing, I picked myself up and made myself go to the gym and work out my anxiety and frustrations. It really helped, I did 40 minute cardio on elliptical. Then 30 minutes of weights. It felt so good just to get it out and release. I have ate so bad the past 2 days I will not even blog about it because I just don't want to think about it. It is so beautiful out today and I can smell spring, which automatically gives me endorphins. I can't wait to start getting outside and moving around, I hate the cold!!
Super excited only a four-day work week because of ISAT's, I get Friday off.
LIfe is not going so good the past few days. I spent all day yesterday crying and I cry like 3 times a year. I just hate crying and it makes me feel vulnerable and I just hate it. I started my new job a week and a half ago and I am just so overwhelmed and under so much stress. I literally have someone's life in my hands and I wil make or break it. I got really frustrated with my student because I have been working on the same concept all week, which is money and he just doesn't get it. I have no one to help me or give me advice or any resources. I'm freakin using materials from the kids I babysit for and I am at a very rich school. No one cares about this kid because he doesn't speak English and has so many special needs and will be moving onto high school next year. I spent my lunch hour in the bathroom crying because I just felt so hopeless and defeated.
Then I find out that my dog, yellow lab, Simba, has a tumor and has 2-3 months to live and I'm just devastated. I am tearing up now thinking about coming home and him not being there. He has been in my life for 13 years and I can't bear him dying, So I finally got myself ready and went out. Had a good time and got home really late and then was sobbing on the way home because I was thinking about how when I get home really late he comes out of his cage with his face all scrunched from sleeping and he lays on me and lets me hold him, and I don't know what to do to replace that. Im just taking it really hard and when it happens I will be destroyed.
Still trying to get over being sick which sucks, and I'm just feeling really bad physically and mentally.
I have a few things that I am looking forward to and they have nothing to do with food!!!! Let me back up, I use to have discussions with my sister and I would tell her that I would spend a half a day planning when I'd go out to eat because I looked forward to it so much. My problem is sometimes I get way too involved in school and working so much that I forget to call back my friends or stop and actually enjoy life and just breeeeeeeaaaaaaaaathe because I am on the go 24/7. I need to get back to having a social life, I think I'm too independent. So anyways I use to look forward to going out to eat because that was my freedom and because I'm a "fat girl." So, it really makes me feel good that there are other factors that I'm excited about that don't deal with food.
Reason #1 I'm lookin forward to....
So tomorrow "The Other Boleyn Girl" movie comes out!!!!!! The book is one of my favorite books. I literally read the 800 page novel in a day and a half because it was soo good. Now I know books turned to movies always suck, but I'm one of those people who has to go see the movie, if I've read the book. Like "White Oleander" wasn't too bad and of course my ultimate favorite "Gone with the WInd." Since, no one wants to go see it, I will probably go on a date with myself sometime this week to check out the film. I will provide an in depth review of the film for you all.
Reason #2 I'm looking forward to...
Wednesday night!!!! Ghosthunters season premiere on SCIFI. I'm freakin addicted and I'm not one of those cult, devil worshipers, but who doesn't question and think about the other side? Check it out March 5 @ 8:00pm
Reason #3 AND #4
If I feel better I am checking out Journey cover band tomorrow night. Super siked because I'm all about Journey. Lastly, I think I am starting to get over being sick and can return to the gym so I can jump start my weight loss again.
Happy Thursday!! (Vote for Ronnie- Supermodel Fans)
I am sick again and have no voice. Coughing too much, no exercise in 4 days. EEK! Gained weight over weekend from drinking and eating bad, now that I'm sick I'm back to weight of 263. Still motivated to keep trekking. Very dissapointed in y'all. NO one sent me song lists to add to my ipod. I shared my list with everyone. Send me some song titles!!!
So now I know why people who are on "diets" should not drink ALCOHOL. Not only can I not function right now, but there will be no eating healthy or exercising for me today. I am paying the price for drinking two nights in a row. I don't usually drink a lot, but when I do drink, I drink to get drunk. Plan Successful! However, I'm hurtin so bad today. I am happy that I stayed with my bacardi/diet cokes last night and not some fruity drink so I don't have to worry about all the carbs.
Also, I was outside and I couldn't stop hiccupping and my friend was having a cig., so this guy keeps trying to talk about to me about my hiccupping and I just ignored him. Then my friend says D he was trying to talk to you. I"m like yeah I could see that, but he was making fun of me. My friends like "no, trust me, I'm a guy, that was his way of trying to start a conversation." I'm like well that is really stupid. Have I been so oblivious to the male species for so long that I don't even realize when I guy is trying to talk to me, or am I so jaded that I think he is only making fun of me? Second of all, who the hell goes up to a girl to talk about hiccups?
Today was a mellow day. I ate on plan, worked out, did hardcore weights and tonight I'm watching "I want to be a supermodel." Vote for RONNIE, if you watch I was friends with him in high school, so I'm watching to root for him.
My job is going good. The student I am working with is really catching on quick. I'm lucky that I get a lot of freedom with my job and I get to plan what we do for the day. I'm getting bored with my music for exercising so pleasssssse send me some songs that you guys like to work out to, so I can add them to my ipod. I've listed below my top ten songs that I listen to for cardio and weights in case you guys need some new inspiration.
Cardio- a lot of dance/trance to get me moving on the elliptical
Rikah- Everything is Changing (Remix edition)
Cascada- What hurts the most
Jes- Heaven
Lasgo- Alone (Radio Mix)
Noemi- In my dreams
Paramore- MIsery Business
Whitney Houston- I wanna dance with somebody
Destiny's Child- I"m a survivor
Timbaland- The Way I Are
Fall out boy- This ain't a scene
Weights- heavier music to make me pump more
AvengedfSevenfold- Seize the Day
Bush- swallowed, greedy fly, machinehead, mouth (stingray mix)
Jon Bon Jovi- old school (wanted dead or alive, livin on a prayer, etc...
Janis Joplin- Bobby McGee, break another piece of my heart
Jimi Hendrix- purple haze
Marilyn Manson- I don't like the drugs, Dope Show
I had my first day of my new job today. I really like it, but I am very overwhelmed by the work. I am certified to teach grades k-9th, I took an assistant position until I find a teaching job for the fall. Well, it turns out I will be planning and implementing the curriculum for a 13 year old child who only speaks Korean and may or may not be autistic. I feel so bad for this boy, he must be so confused and he can't get past the language barrier. So, I am suppose to teach him english and get him up to speed for high school. I'm like, "Say what?" I may be a respite care worker, but that does not qualify me to teach kids with severe special needs and I am not certified to be an ELL teacher. However, I am doing both and literally making a salary below the poverty level. I will still continue to be a respite care worker on the side. I'm excited to work with this child and I love new experiences, but I just feel like this job is going to be so much more than I can handle. ON the bright side I'm so busy working from 7am-9pm, I don't have time to eat and I'm just not even hungry today. Maybe this will be the new diet.
Okay last post of the day I promise. I'm such a dork, I never have a day off and because I had one today I don't know what to do with myself. No wonder people who get up at 7am have so much time on their hands. I was so productive. Okay, okay I'm digressing.
So, I was calculating my calories today and had a Subway turkey wrap, no cheese, no mayo and I looked up the nutrition facts for the wrap and they are way different then the pocket nutritional packet that I have on subway (you know the one you get at the register). So I am quite upset, that I even emailed them, because now that I'm getting serious about losing weight, Subway is not going to F**k it up. Online nutrion facts say a wrap is 310 calories and 51carbs, but my booklet says 190 calories, and 33 carbs, that is a big difference and makes a major difference in my meal planning.
Seriously, WTF? I know I'm being petty, but you know the weight on my ass might have to pay for this slip up because I have been using the smaller calculations.
So much to say. I have become obsessed with EP that I feel like I am constantly writing blogs. My own writing inspires me to workout and eat healthy, is that conceited? So, shopping was not so bad, however I feel I have shortened. Aparently, even petite pants are now to long on me. I'm a short girl, but not that short. Also, I am officially in a size 20 pants comfortably. Now, I feel that I should weigh a lot less if I am wearing a 20, but I am bigger on top than on the bottom. I haven't lost weight, but clothes feel much bigger and my sister suggested maybe because I have been working out a lot for the past month that I am just firming up a lot. I don't know, but whatever it is I'll take it. Also, I realized as I was shopping, have fashion designers not realized that fat people haven't lost their fashion sense, they're just Fat!!! WTF?? Seriously, I wouldn't put my grandmother in half of the clothes out there. Obviously, these designers are not fat, because if they were, they would know that you never never wear stripes that go horizontal!!! Why would you make yourself look wider?
So I woke up today in a great mood and I was really proud of myself for keeping up with the exercise and diets and getting a new job, so I rewarded myself. I no longer want to focus on food as a reward, so I got a pedicure, which was heaven!!! While I was getting a pedicure I was reading my fitness magazine and it was talking about all the things you could to burn calories at work, like walk to the copy maching =15 calories burned, I don't know something like that. So I was thinking since I am such an avid texter and probably text like 20 times a day, could that = at least 20 calories burned. My fingers, get quite a workout!!!
