Let’s try this again. F------ EP just got rid of my whole blog. I’m back from hiatus. I was on hiatus from eating healthy, exercising, or blogging for a week. Now, I’m back!!! I have exercised and ate on plan for two days straight and my motivation has come back. Luckily, I only gained a pound from my binge eating and drinking week.
I went out Thursday night and I don’t know if it is from losing a few pounds, or the confidence I’ve gained because 3 guys came up to me at the bar!!! Now, I would never give my phone number nor meet a guy at a bar, but it did give me a little swagger in my walk after that. I’m very proud that my friend and I partied until like 4 am and he got food and I did not!!! Thank you very much, I made a smart decision.
Onto a shameful topic. I am a very open minded person and have always weighed personality as being so much more important to me than a person’s looks. I have dated and hooked up with men of all different looks and personalities, however they shared one characteristic they were all thin. I have a friend who likes me a lot, and I would maybe like him if he was thinner. He is quite large, it is not like he is just 30 pounds overweight. I feel awful saying this and I would never go for a guy who would only like me if I was thinner. I just think that I hate my fatness so much, that I can’t stand it in anyone else. I feel horrible and disgusted with myself for feeling this way. He said to me that he loves it all meaning me, fat or thin, and the problem is that I don’t feel that way about him.” I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. I was talking to my mom who is a normal body type and about my dad, who is overweight and she said that my father wouldn’t like her 50 pounds heavier. I said, you know I don’t understand why my sister and my mom feel bad for their husbands if they gain weight, but how come the men don’t feel bad for being 270-280 pounds. They don’t feel bad about it, why do we? I felt bad when I gained weight with my ex-boyfriend, yet he didn’t feel bad about growing a beard, when he knew I hated facial hair and it make him uglier. WTF? Why do we as women always feel bad if we come off less attractive to our significant others, but they don’t. This is the sad answer, guys big or small can always find women, women who are not small have so much more trouble finding men. I think as women we are more accepting of imperfections in men, then men are in women. Okay I know I am off on a tangent now.
Song of the post: Tiiiiime is on my side..... it's really not, but I can't stop singing it. Okay.....so much to discuss.
1. Went to dinner last night and had mexican food. Okay...okay before I get the comments I know I have had mexican food twice in a 8 days and I have no idea what is with me. Actually I do, it's freakin good and I'm sabotaging myself. Then, I went to my friend's house where he just had a few of us over for drinks and board games. However, we never ended up getting to the board games because we were talking and laughing too much. I had two glasses of white wine, I"m trying to ease up on the alcohol I drink. Then they ordered pizzas and foccacio garlic bread which looked incredible. I did NOT have one morsel, crumb, snipit of piece of anything. NOw, I know a normal person would be like you just had dinner two hours before hand of course you wouldn't eat. HOwever, I am a fat girl who has tendancies to binge eat, so me not eating pizza even when I'm full, is like a big accomplishment. I have to pat myself on the back for handling the situation. They were all sitting around the table and I sat there, and then it got too hard, so I went on the couch and became engrossed in a program about wild fires. Then I went home and at my leftover enchiladas at 1am. Will I ever get it right?
2. Went to dentist today (Saturday) and then worked my ass off at the gym because of how I ate last night and tonight I have another dinner date and we won't be eating good food. Sometimes when I work out hard, I all of the sudden get this overwhelming coldness and calmness all over my body about 30 min. into my cardio and then I get chills, like goosebumps all over. Has this happened to anybody? Whenever this happens my arms shake a lot on weights and I'm very shakey during the rest of my workout. What's this all about? I'm not dehydrated, all I do is drink water everyday,
3. The theme of the post is about time because I just don't have any. I really don't know what to do. I can't make 5 workouts a week, I barely get to 3 so I'm changing my goal to 4 workouts a week. I know that I have it much easier than the other people on this site, who have kids and work a ton of hours, but I can't compare myself to them. I work 50-60 hours a week, and I'm in the car over 2 hours a day commuting to and from my jobs. I work 6 days a week and I'm just so overloaded. Then I just quit my Saturday job and of course now I have so many more obligations, because I can't give the excuse that I'm working. My only day off, tomorrow, which is when I do laundry, cook for the week and catch up on sleep was booked with 4 obligations, so I had to cancel all of them for my grandmother's birthday, not to mention that I have lessons to plan for Monday. I don't know where to get the time. My dentist was like you have to floss more, I'm like lady, I try to get 5-6 hours of sleep a night and that is a stretch, the last thing I'm worried about is making time for is flossing. So I know this post is turning into a rant, but I'm going crazy. I can't read, I can't workout....No time. I can't cut back on work because I make no money, I just do my full-time job to get a an "in" in the district, not because I want to.
Forget my dating life, I know many single people use the excuse of not dating because they don't have time and everybody goes "Yeah right, if you wanted to you would make time for that person." My friend J goes, "Gosh D, you really don't have time to have a boyfriend." I have been trying to make more time for my friends lately. I hate cancelling on them because I really try to keep my committments. I'm totally commitment phobe when it come to exercise or a boyfriend, but anything else I'm quite responsible. However, I just can't have it all right now and that is a really hard fact for me to deal with. I can't have it all, right now!!
The snow is finally melting and the flip flops are starting to come out. I of course have them in all colors, but yellow, however I am on a continuous hunt, for the best pair. And I'm digressing.... So....I had ice cream yesterday. Here's the thing I don't really like sweets, during TOM I like some chocolate, but sweets do nothing for me. I literally have a craving for sundaes 4 times a year, at the beginning of each season. I know it's weird, but it is just how my cognition skills work. So I got ice cream for me and the boy I babysit and of course shared with the other little one. I got 99% fat free soft serve vanilla, with a whole bunch of full fat, full sugar hot fudge. Yes, I know an oxymoron, but hey at least I cut out some of the calories. I have been eating pretty good this week and worked out on Tuesay. So the climax of the story is....I"m no longer 263.... I'm 262.5, and you bet your fat ass that number will be lower on my weigh in day which is Tuesday. So, of course that small half a pound has just brought the light right back into my eyes. After this blog, I'm going on a 3 mile walk to the bank. Its so gorgeous out that it is intoxicating, I just can't be on the elliptical right now, so I feel that a 3 mile hike will equal out to 45-60minutes of cardio. I have spring break in a week, and so I will be able to workout so much more and play outside with the kids so I'm excited for that. When I started on this website like a month ago, I was so excited and on it constantly and I've let my blogging and working out slip away. So, I love my lists and all, below I have listed my goals for the next 12 months, that I WILL obtain, as well as a list from a previous post on what fat does to me. So I can remind myself.
Goals for the year:
May 12 (My 25th birthday) 240pounds
July 12 (Vacation to Key West) 200 pounds
September 1 (start of school year) 180 pounds
December 25 150 pounds.
Being fat lets me......
buy clothes that I don't like, just to cover my body.
look at magazines with envy at all of the cute summer outfits.
wear cardigans and sweat in 100 degree weather because I don't want to show my arms in a tank top
eat all the food I want and then get a stomachache
feel uncomfortable in intimate settings because I'm thinking about my jiggling
feel subconscious in a room and think that they must be looking at my fat
make excuses for guys that don't like me. "it must be because I'm fat"
bitch a lot about being fat
feel bad about myself, especially when everything else is going good in my life
skip out on nights to the bar because I can't make an outfit that I wear all the time make me look "thin" that night
know that I will die earlier from some sort of heat disease
breathe heavy when I go up a couple flights of stairs
worry if I won't be able to fit into an airplane seatbelt or roller coaster
worry about not being able to have kids, or putting myself at risk during pregnancy
not find any type of jeans to fit my body because my waist is much bigger than my but and thighs
resent my friends because they are all a size 5 or smaller and don't even work at it
look at my body in disgust because of all of the stretchmarks and fat
I knew that would get your attention. I'm using my blog to plug a website shamelessly. I know we all talk about losing weight and how we wish we could eat less, but these animals wish they could eat more. Please stop by and just click and help give an animal some food. Happy Wednesday!!! Ghosthunters tonite!
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.
It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on the purple box 'fund food for animals' for free. This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.
We truley can learn from kids books. I am currently doing a unit on "A fish out of water" which is by Helen Palmer and resembles the Dr. Seuss style of books. Most parents know this book, but I'll give a brief synopsis. This boy gets a fish and is told .... "When you feed a fish, never feed him a lot. So much and no more! Never more than a spot, or something may happen! You never know what." So of course the fish wants more food and so the boy feeds him more food and he keeps getting larger. He gets so large that they have to dump him in a swimming pool. Then Mr. Carp give him a magic potion and he returns to being thin and little. Moral of the story for fat people: If you eat too much food, you will blow up, and won't be able to fit into the things you want to. So... eat a little, so much and no more!
2. Plan out meals for the whole week and stick to 5 of them to a T
3. Read at least 20 minutes a day of a non diet book (currently reading "American Project: The rise and fall of a modern ghetto" by Sudhir Alladi Venkatesh Side note: I've been so caught up in trying to diet and my job, that I forgot about my other loves, aka reading
4. Stick with the Beck diet (do one exercise a day) Side note: It's not really a diet it is more of a workbook that has you work on your emotional reasons for eating as well as gives me tools to use everyday to remind myself to keep eating healthy.....blah blah blah
Sometimes you learn the best lessons from kids, hey that is why I am a teacher. I'm too harsh on my self and so ready to get mad and take the easy way out and not fight with this weight thing. I have fought for so many things in my life and overcome depression, substance abuse, toxic relationship, and most of all freaking graduated college after 6 1/2 years. So I can definitely conquer this weight thing. I refuse to give up and it is completely ridiculous that I have worked out like 5 times in 2 weeks. Forgive the little pep talk I"m having with myself. I learned today watching my student progress with his reading and we worked heavily on subtraction today, which last week he couldn't even attempt to do. THe thing is he has bad days and good days, but he is resilient and little by little the work we do shows in the progress he's making. So, I'm back on the wagon and rejuvenated because I'm not going to be a fat ass forever!!!!!!!
My friend sent me this and I think it applies to all of us as we struggle with our weight loss and healthy lifestyle journey.
Enlightenment--that magnificent escape from anguish and ignorance--never happens by accident. It results from the brave and sometimes lonely battle of one person against his own weaknesses.
Seriously, I treat myself worse then any boyfriend or friend ever has! I went to dinner last night with a friend and we went for Mexican food. I got enchiladas with cheese. I know, I know, but I had a plan. So I let E eat most of the chips and salsa and he asked to put salt on them and I asked if he could do it on his plate. Because seriously he can eat all the salt he wants, he doesn't gain an ounce and he's skinny. So then we got our food and I literally had one enchilada (they were small not the usual size) and 4 spoons of yellow rice. So, was I satisfied, no, was I hungry, Hell yeah, was I proud, YES!!!! I just kep telling myself that normal people eat like this. NOrmal people can have Mexican food and have a few chips and salsa, enchilada, and a little bit of rice. I though E was going to be like aren't you going to eat more, aren't you hungry because in my head I was so proud of myself for eating such a "little itty bitty" portion, that in reality this is a normal portion. So, then we go out for drinks and I only have 2 Diet coke bacardis because I am driving and I was actually a little full from dinner after I had digested my food. Okay here comes the climax of the story....... I f***ng went to TACO BELL on the way home because I had a long drive (or at least what I told myself and that I was hungry). I don't even like Taco Bell, like I did so good all day and then I just threw it away. Then I ate at home. I have no idea what happened and how I lost control so quickly. I think I gained 3 pounds just from 6pm last night to now. So I'm kicking my own ass today and burning 1000 calories in cardio, because I'm not going to sabotage myself. Seriously, and then I wonder why I have just maintained my weight lately because I have been eating really bad, like one day a week and then it taks the rest of the week to lose that freakin weight which puts me right back to 263. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY!
Haven't been blogging as much because nothing really to blog about. I was sick all last week and so didn't work out and this week I worked out twice. EEK! I've just been so busy and I don't know how to juggle my schedule. I finally have a day off, today and had plans to go out and got cancelled, so I actually don't know what to do with myself. OF course I have tons of things to do like laundry and fill out job applications, and a mountain of books I want to read, but I just don't feel like doing any of it, nor do I feel like sitting around. I just feel bored. I just have that anxious feeling, because for once I have no schedule today. I went country line dancing last night, and it felt nice to get ready and not cry because I didn't look so bad.
