So I am back and a little lighter. I have now lost 20 pounds since starting on EP. I feel a little better about myself, but honestly I don't feel that I lost 20 pounds, I guess because I have so much more to lose?? But at least I'm 20 pounds closer to my goal. Also, my birthday is May 12 and I was hoping to be at 240 by then and I think I can do it. I'm lucky in the sense that when I work it, I lose fast, but I just need to keep working it. I'm so bad with consistency. However, this week I got my but in gear and did 5 workouts!!!! That would be 5 cardio and 3 weight lifting sessions. Thank you Thank you!!!
So when I lack motivation I just keep thinking about Key West and I picture myself in cute shorts and that has helped me get on the treadmil. Also, I always work like 14 hour days on Mondays and Wednesdays and so I can't work out. Last Monday I didn't work at my second job so I worked out. I think I really need those Monday workouts to get me in gear for the week. So I am actually getting up tomorrow at 5am to work out. EEEk!! I know some people get up that early for work, but I'm an insomniac so it is hard for me to wake up really early because I don't fall asleep until really late. However, I think I can do it.
I've been really busy lately and I had a job interview on Tuesday which I totally bombed and felt bad about. I went to baja fresh and got a chicken burrito for dinner and chips with guac. I'm really excited that I ate some chips and my burrito and put the rest away in the bag, while I was in the car and refused to eat anymore because I felt full. Then I got home and changed and went to workout. This was a personal accomplishment that I
A. had a not great dinner, but allowed myself to eat and put the rest away when I was satisfied. The fact that I drove an hour with that food in my car and did not finish the chips and guac is a miracle for me. When I got home I threw it out
B. went to work out even though it had been a long day and I was depressed about the interview.
I can't completely toot my horn though, I totally binged on pizza and onion rings thursday night because we put Simba (my dog) to sleep on Friday and I was a mess and needed to comfort myself the only way I know how, through food. However, I do notice that during this "lifestyle change" my binges are becoming less frequent and not as damaging. Sure I had 3 big slices of pizza and onion rings, but 4 months ago it would have been 5 slices of pizza, onion rings,potato skins, coke, etc... So, I just have to tell myself it works if you work it!!!!
though I did win Kenny Chesney tickets at my country night. It's really cool, it's a small concert for only 200 people and we are going to be on television!!!! So, I've been super busy and it has been hard to write on people's blogs, let alone write on mine. Exercise has kind of plummetted. My mom made amazing enchiladas last night, but they were healthy so to make myself feel better about them I went in our home gym and did treadmil for 15 min, bike for 5 min, and ab video for 10. Okay, no matter how chubby I may have been I have always been really good at situps, I don't know if it is years of gymanstics or I just have a hidden six pack.. yeah not anymore. Oh my god I was dying on the ab video. ugh!!!!
So, I went with a bunch of friends to country night in lincoln park. My friend E tried to get me to ahem..."go home with him." A, don't get crazy, of course I didnt. but if it was up to her we'd be married already. Anyways he's my friend and I totally wouldn't, but it felt nice to be asked. He broke up with his gf a couple months ago and she had a gorgeous body and trust me I don't want to be his rebound body. He's a cute kid, but my friend and I have a million reasons to not have done it. The point is I get so obsessed with how bad I look it was nice for my friend, who was not drunk, to obviously not think too bad of me to want to sleep with me. He totally could get pretty, thin girls. Anyways, moral of the story D is pretty much a born again virgin, but hey at least maybe I'm not as unattractive as I think I am.
Down to 256, never thought I'd be so excited to see that number. I have revamped my eating, I'm still eating on plan, but now I try to not eat carbs for dinner, on Monday I was 259, so the 3 pound loss has really been from that. Plus, I drank last night so I'm excited for the loss. However, duh duh duhhhhhh I have been on hiatus from working out for a week. I wish I could say I was busy, but no just lazy and sick of the rain we have had for 5 days straight. No wonder they say Seattle has a very high depression rate.
I'm very proud, my friend D wanted to take me to dinner last night and I said no, because I wasn't going to meet him until 9pm and I knew that was too late for me to eat. So we went out and at the bar he orderd some baked macaroni and cheese dish and oh my god...it looked soooo good. He kept offering a bite to me and I'm happy to say I did not take one single TASTE!!! Going to downtown for country night at a bar, so excited!!! Maybe I'll pick me up a cowboy!!!!
I'm so over being fat.... so back on the bandwagon. So sorry for not leaving comments to those who I regularily comment to....I've just been swamped and it has been hard to get on EP because I just think about all the extra pounds!!! Haha Anyways I drove to the gym and literally turned around and came home because it was pouring out and I didn't feel like working out, so I didn't. NOt good!! I haven't worked out since Saturday and tomorrow is my long working day, so basically won't work out until Thursday. However, I ate pretty good today and hopefully will tomorrow. The past 5 days have just been terrible eating days. Simba (my dog) is pretty much done here and his time is coming to an end and cried all day yesterday and then self medicated with pizza and french fries. Surprisingly, I ate pizza, but I did not binge and actually stopped eating when I was full. So, I need to pull myself out of this rut and I'm listing below my incentives for losing weight, as if I don't know them already. But it is always good to have them in writing
I cannot buy another piece of clothing until May 1st and that is only if I have lost 10 pounds, so I would need to be 248 pounds.
Need to be 230 pounds for wedding on May 31st, so I can buy a new dress.
At 220 pounds I can get a tatoo on my back/neck of the egyptian symbol for life.
At 200 pounds I can, well am, going on vacation to key west!!!!!
At 150 pounds, I can get the tatoo on my lower back of an angel with my brother's name in the halo. It is the tatoo I've always wanted and never got because I was too fat, and illegal.
Okay long post.... readers beware. I need help and have a lot of trouble asking for it. I can feel myself spinning out of control. I let too many things affect my life and then they infest into all areas of my life and I just sabotage myself. The problem is I go from 0 to 60 without a stop button. Asking for help is really hard for me to do... I always need to feel in control and strong and be fine. When I was 17 I had a substance abuse problem and was in rehab and I remember that they tied all of us to a rope and blindfolded us and we all had to ask one question that pertained to our recovery before we could get out of the maze. One by one each patient asked a question and were lead out of the maze. Of course, after a half hour I was the only one left because I couldn't ask the right question. Finally, I got frustrated and said, "I need help" and the counselors lead me out of the maze. They told me that my problem is that I recognize when I need help, but won't ever ask for it. I feel that 7 years later, I still have trouble asking for help.
I'm so strung out about my job and overwhelmed. I was hired for a different position than the one I have. The one I have requires way too much work and I don't get paid for it... and I just feel completely "shitted" on by the district and I know I need help building a curriculum for this student and it is completely out of my control. I just feel "all over the place" and I know I need to ask for help and support, but I'm afraid of looking like I can't handle my job. This has lead me to be so depressed this week and I'm so edgy and unhappy and I dread going to work. I count down the days until school is over. I've wanted to be a teacher my whole life and I just feel so defeated. I've been smoking this week and I quit in November and it upsets me. Plus, today I had a complete binge.
I have not used substances in quite some time and I feel like I have replaced drugs with binges. I'm addicted to food, it's not just that I overeat. I once told my sister that I don't think I love anything more than food and that disgusts me. If I don't binge within a couple weeks, I feel like a f****ng addict, where I like need to get my fix I can feel it building inside. Last night my parents got Lou Malanati's and I wanted it so bad, but I resisted and just went to bed. So I was happy, but today I could just feel the binge creeping up. From 6pm-9:53 I had a 6 inch meatball sub from Subway and a turkey wrap. I then had 4 oz. of skirt steak. Then to top off the night I had half of a frozen pizza. Like it sickens me to even write this binge down and trust me I've had way worse binges. I know I will get up tomorrow and go workout and go back to my life. But I need help in how to deal with these binges for the long haul, I just can't stop myself and I have seeked therapy in the past and I just don't know how to stop it. So anyone out there....please help me.
I'm very unhappy lately and it actually really doesn't have a lot to do with my weight. I'm like every new college graduate, trying to find a job, dealing with a crappy one until I get my "dream job" which really won't be that great, but I love teaching so it is worth it. I can't quit either job that I have and it makes me work over 50 hours a week and I mean when I have a minute free the last thing I want to do is workout or measure out my freakin food!!! However, as much as I may be self indulging in pitying myself, BECAUSE I do belive that it is okay to do, I am still productive and have hit 2 hard core workouts this week and ate and measured my food since MOnday, plus I will hit 2 more workouts in the next 3 days to reach my goal of 4 workouts a week.
So onto another rant, because I'm just full of them. I called comcast because one of my shows on my boyfriend (aka DVR- see DVR post from February) was messing up. So when I was working my mother let them fix our DVR by giving us a new one, and they took the old one. WTF??? I've been so busy guess who has 4 weeks of shows built up waiting for me to get some freetime to watch them. And now they're just gone.... Just gone.... LIke that. "I hate my life." It's my quote, I don't really but I just like to say it when I get aggravated and I am this week and I know I'm being petty, but I just feel like shit. I hate it! Good luck to those of you who are staying positive!!
Oh and another thing.... I was so excited to make this low fat pad thai recipe because I love thai food so I made it and sat down to eat it at 7:30pm which is way toooo late but I've been too busy today to eat and guess who's dinner taste like shit???? So now it is 8:08 and I'm figuring out what to have for dinner. My mom suggest making a lean cuisine and I'm like "I got all excited to have this great dinner and I'm not ending my day with an F---- lean cuisine." Isn't it sad that I still look at food like it is a prize and I should be rewarded with it?
Not a very exciting post, just updating on the past few days. On Thursday, I worked like 10 hours and went swimming with the boys I nanny for, it was good to just run around with them at the pool, even though I didn't technically exercise. I didn't do so good with food, not a total binge, but I had a bunch of chocolate frosting because we made a cake and then had nachos for dinner. After work, I went out to the city and had a great time, and I'm just so sick of bacardi/diet cokes, so I've been drinking vodka/sprites which I know is not good, because sprite has 39 carbs for just one can. So I got home at 5:30am and had a pounding headache, so I chalked it up to having drank and I had been up for 22 hours. However, I then woke up every hour because my head hurt so bad, I couldn't even open my eyes. I got up out of bed and took tylenol, then 10 minutes later I threw up. Then feel asleep on couch, woke up, threw up. My head couldn't stop pounding I thought I had like an aneurysm or something. Okay, Okay I'm very dramatic, like I'll have a bruise and tell my mother it's a tumor. Anyways, I didn't drink enough to be hungover, and this was no hangover. All day i just slept and threw up..... I took a hot shower, and just say in the tub for 20 minutes with the steaming water running on me. My head felt like someone just kept banging it with a sledgehammer. Finally, at 5:30pm the headache eased. I have no idea, what happened to me I think I just had a migraine and it made me so dizzy and sick that I kept throwing up.
So, I had to go downtown for a dinner because one of my best friends is in town and pregnant and would kill me if I missed. So, I got ready and looked nice and pale and brought my "pretend date" E and went to dinner. I can't stand being a 5th wheel anymore and there were all couples going, so now E is my "pretend date" for events. So, I was happy to not eat any pita at the mediterranean restaurant partially because I knew I would have rice later, and partially because I hadn't eaten all day and didn't want to get crazy. So, I'm very happy that I exhibited portion control with my meal and only ate about 1/3 of it. It was like a rice/meat dish thing, and I did not wrap it to go because I know that I always eat my carryouts at midnight and I didn't want to temp myself. I also stayed clear of alcohol and had 10 glasses of water, literally. Also, E had desert because he's a skinny bitch and I had two little bites of his chocolate cake. I'm proud to say that we all walked the 1/2mile to the restaurant in 30 degrees with high winds and when everyone took a car after dinner, I opted to walk the half a mile back just so I could get in a little exercise after the dinner and so E came and walked with me, though I think he wished he took the car, because it was frigid. So, they all went out afterward, and I went home to rest up because I look like death.
Wahoo!!!! I am now 258.5, never thought I'd be excited about that number, but afte a month of gaining and losing the same 3 pounds, I have finally been determined this week to get back on track. The biggest things that helped me was cooking my meals on Sunday for the week. I don't do good with change and it helps me to be the same everyday. So everyday I've had
Then I add in some snacks like fruit, yogurt, granola bars, salad, cottage cheese, etc... to make up the rest of my calories.
So it has really helped me, I should say I did steal two pieces of chocolate from the kids' easter basket. So I'm going swimming with the kids today because it is their day off from school. Well, guess who can barely move her back and arms today because a certain 4 year old had like 5 melt downs on our bike ride yesterday? Yeah you guessed it, me!!!! So, M the boy I nanny for just decided that he was going to get pissed off every 5 feet because he didn't feel like pedaling his bike and he expected it to move and wanted me to push him. I told him that I am pushing D in the stroller and he has to be a big boy and pedal his bike. Well, he sure showed me! So we walked about a half a mile and then went back to the house, got the wagon and then I pulled D and M who together weigh like 70 pounds, and the 6 year old who is an angel, rode his bike. I never knew how hard it was to walk 3 miles dragging a wagon with 70 pounds in it. Hence, the fact that I can't move today, but at least it was a work out. I'm going to soak in the hot tub.
Read my sister's blog, she will kill me for this because she hates any type of mention that will put attention upon her, but her blog really hit a cord with me today. She's beamer0821. It's about how being fat really infects every area of our life. It's like a freakin roach that infests its way into all corners.
I am trying to take on a more active lifestyle, even like little things. Like this morning I took the kids I nanny for to Chuck E Cheese, and played Skee-ball, my favorite, plus I planned to go before lunch so I wasn't tempted by pizza. It's too nice to go to the gym, so the kids are going to ride bikes, while I walk to the park, round trip it is 2.8 miles, then of course we will run around at the park. Last night, I went out and shot pool, tomorrow I plan to go bowling, I know these aren't huge calorie burners, but it is better than just sitting at a bar for hours and not moving. I have now ate on plan and exercised everyday for 3 days.
Happy Wednesday! Ghosthunters tonight!!!! I should be paid by them because I plug their show for free every week!
