Project Fat Ass

I'm a total hot mess!

Saturday, December 8, 2007 22:04:12

If anyone reads Perez Hilton, he always calls the stars who are head cases, "hot messes," that's me. I feel like I'm constantly trying to find me, and I know who I am and I'm really strong in my personality, but my emotions are all of the place and I need to be more stabilized. So, I met a guy and he's great and he's someone thta any girl would be so lucky to have, just not me. He's too in my face and he always wants to hang out, and I know I sound stupid because um hello, isn't that what dating is, it's just I don't know, he's just pushing me and I think I just would really like him as a friend, because he's cool and I don't know how to tell him that. We've only been hanging out for like a week, but it has been non-stop and I'm already feeling like I need a break. It's like I complain when I'm lonely and then I complain when there's someone in the picture. As for weightloss, the scale is slowly lowering, my workouts have not been so consistant. Comments(4)

WOW EP got a new Face!!!

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:06:15

So I've been slowly loosing some pounds. Not doing anything big but cut out carbs after 3pm and that has really helped me get past my plateau. So, I have been on this horrible pattern of working out for a week and then being on hiatus for a week. Today I woke up again and said I don't feel like working out (I have no excuse, I have a lot of time on my hands, and I'm finally getting some sleep) however I just can't seem to make myself consistently work out. So, I bargained with myself all morning and then I made myself go to the gym and thought if I at least go there and do cardio for 10 minutes, at least I went. So I went and burned only 300 calories on elliptical and only did the inner and outer hip abduction machines and leg extension machine. So, although this is a very very half ass work out for me, I'm proud of myself because it was something other than just staying at home and I'm going to go again tomorrow and hopefully I'll do a better workout, but at least I'm going. For me just getting me to the gym is half the battle.

So new Goal. I'm going to Arizona on October 7th to see my best friend's baby and it will be 85 degrees (whereas in chicago, we are already wearing coats) so I thought I would have 9 more months til I get back into my swimsuit, nope just about 3 weeks. So the goal is 230pounds by the 7th. I will do it!!!

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The world is right again

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:02:18

thanks to Low sugar ketchup!!! I love love love ketchup and I finally found a ketchup about a year ago that was low sugar. When I find foods I love that help me loose weight I become obsessed and then I get really dissapointed when they just disappear off of the grocery shelves. It's like those grocers have just popped my weight loss dreams. For instance, my new fave yogurt was light n fit orange/mango flavor. I could not find this anywhere, but at Valli's, and now they discontinued it and I have discontinued my yogurt eating. Then one day out of nowhere every single grocery store by me discontinued my low sugar ketchup. I have been mourning the loss and even went on online to see where I could buy it, even Ebay and no one had it. So, today my mom went into the city and came upon my low sugar ketchup and bought me four bottles!!!! This has truley made my day. Happy weight loss y'all.

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I promise a more positive blog!

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:01:11

So, I have been sick for a week an I'm pretty proud that I have gone to exercise quite a few times and I have been using my ab ball. So although it has been a pain to try and do the elliptical and blow my nose, I'm persevering. I have also been eating a big breakfast and I try to eat most of my carbs at lunch and then just proteins and vegetables at dinner and I feel that makes my body feel the best. My body just can't handle carbs, as much as I love them and so I do a lot better if I have them right after I work out at lunch. The air is becoming crisp, which I love, except that we had no summer so I kind of miss some warm weather. Good luck on the weight loss everyone!!!

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Issues? Who me?

Sunday, December 9, 2007 00:09:23

BEWARE: WHINEY POST!!!!!

So, I was talking with my boss who happens to be a psychologist and she told me that I need to start dating again because I have too many issues and hopefully when I start dating they will work themselves out. I laughed so hard. OF COURSE I HAVE ISSUES!! Doesn't everybody? I am the most dramatic person you will meet plus I have had every freakin problem that you find in a self-help book- drug addiction, unhealthy relationships, eating disorders, self- mutilation, blah blah blah. I of course think I have healed most of my issues, but I do have a fear of intimacy and not just sex, I just can't get close to someone and then I clutch on to my guy friends as substitute boyfriends so I don't have to deal with an actual relationship. Then I decided in January that I was going to get thin or at least be like 200 pounds and then I said I would look for someone, or at least start dating again. So of course it is 9 months later and though I've lost some weight I have been pretty consistent at not losing weight for 4 months!!! So basically I'm going to stay fat and not date. It's not that I feel like oh poor me no one will like me, no there are people in my life who would like to be with me or at least sleep with me and I will not because I'm just so uncomfortable with me. I already hate this post because I sound so needy, the thing is I'm so far from being needy with people it is more being needy to myself. Does that make sense? Why can't I just lose weight and have healthy relationships?

On another note, I find out my ex got married (got to love myspace) right? It's so unfair, why does he get to move on, like seriously it has been less than 2 years since I was sleeping with him and he's freaking married!!! I'm still healing myself from him and he gets to go and be married, while I was the one who prepared him for 6 years to be married. That woman married the man I straightened out. Now of course I don't want to be with him but I was hoping he would be fat and miserable (which he is neither). Okay enough of my whiney post. ICK!!

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Okay just read my blog and boy do I sound annoying, so I am posting some positive stuff. My abs kill finally working on my lovely ab ball that has been getting dusty, I love ab burn!!!!! Going to see Local H super excited!!! There you go POSITIVE POWER!

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Negative Nancy

Friday, December 7, 2007 22:07:15

When someone being negative in our family we call them negative nancy or debbie downer (compliments of SNL). So I have been a total negative nancy. I'm so sick of stressing about a job, I have jobs, just not a career yet. ICK!!! I'm sick of thinking my friends are shitty, feeling bad about my weight, and just being overall annoyed with life!!!! My family and I started a new contest on Monday. The goal is to see who can lose the most amount of weight by Christmas. THe winner gets $500. I'm super excited because I needed some new motivation. Nothing much really to say, just feeling super blah.

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Well....I started out with a plan

Thursday, December 6, 2007 22:07:12

So, I'm headed to the gym for the fourth time since Wednesday and I'm pretty proud of myself after like a month away. Yesterday, I worked out really hard, and I feel just so weak trying to do weights after cardio, but if I do weights before cardio, I can't do all my cardio. So, I am breaking up my weights into two days. So yesterday I did half of the machines I do and today I will do the other half. I think that is okay because they are different muscle groups. I don't know? So then I had a baseball game to go to at night.

Well.... I started out with a plan, but as the night wore on it kind of got lost. I decided I would bring a bag of my healthy popcorn because I knew I would want to munch on something at the game and it was not going to be those chesse fries. I figured I could get a grilled chicken at the game as my dinner and I cut out the booze because I drank Friday night and I'm trying to ease up on the drinking. So...got to the game had my popcorn, guess what no chicken? So I went with a grilled pork chop sandwich. I don't even like pork, but I saw it was grilled and that was my best option out of hot dogs, hamburgers, italian beef, etc... So I added a slice of cheese to it and pretended it was a hamburger. So my cousin who is a freak of nature and one of the star swimmers of our state had 5 orders of curly fries and 2 orders of ice cream!! IT really is so unfair. I had a few peanuts and then I had an ice cream cone. EEK! I don't really do sweets because I would rather binge on a pizza than cake, but its TOM which is when I crave chocolate. So, on top of that we had a party at our house after game and I totally went crazy with pita chip things and rich cream artichoke and spinach dips. Like um hello...... who do you think you are? Clearly I had an out of body experience because I thought that I could eat like that and be fine this morning. NOpe it shows a two pound gain on the scale, while I think is ridiculous. I object!

Thanks for all the support EP!!!

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Can you ever fully let go?

Thursday, December 6, 2007 22:06:13

I was at a concert last night and before they started they were playing Tool. I instantly flooded with memories of my ex-boyfriend because he use to love them. He is so far removed from my life and I thought all of those little tidbits had been removed from my memory. Not that I forgot them....but that I could hear a band or see someone drink lemonade and no think of him. Other than the music...I pretty much have trained myself to not think of him. So it got me thinking about losing weight and binge eating. Like will I ever fully let it go? Will I years from now see pizza and want to overindulge even after all the weight is gone and if so how do you deal? Am I ever not going to want to binge when I'm upset? How do I train myself to have only one portion of pasta? It has been years since the ex and I broke up, but he has left scars on my heart and yes I'm functioning, but there are times like last night that I feel back to my former self. So how do we fully let go of all of our eating baggage because I let go of all of my ex-baggage, but it still lingers every now and then?

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It's only livin now....

Thursday, December 6, 2007 22:04:16

Life is pretty crappy right now, not because of anything huge, just frusterated with trying to find a job (teaching) and having no plan b (because I only have a degree to teach), so I am screwed. I drink , smoke, and eat too much. The craziness that I have spun around me has got to stop so I finally went back to the gym last night and it felt really good. I stopped sulking and just sweated out the bad emotions and was much more pleasant for the rest of the night. Then I even went back to that gym this morning, but after having had a cigarette right before, I was dying on that elliptical, but I puffed and sweated and made sure I burned 500 calories before I got my fat ass off the machine. I am not eating good, but at least I'm not bingeing. I'm going to back to that evil place tomorrow and sweat again and maybe one of these days, I'll officially quit smoking and eat healthy and get a job and move out and get happy....maybe even spring for a boyfriend...who knows? it's only livin now (local H)

p.s. thanks for all of those who support me even after my long hiatus away from supporting them

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so....I am alive

Thursday, December 6, 2007 22:01:20

Hi everyone,

So, I have been on a three month hiatus and I haven't fallen off the band wagon I hover between 246-250 pounds depending on the week. I just got back from Key West, which is actually how I started on EP, because looking good in KW was my goal. So KW totally inspired me to get back on track, because we were the only fat people there, like seriously, I mean a lot of the people were normal its not like Miami or anything but, they were not fat. I vow this is the last vacation I stay fat. So.......I thank everyone for their messages over the past few months wondering if I'm alive. I'm totally alive and a lot has not changed.... still looking for a teaching job, still struggling to consistently work out and still working crazy hours and super busy!!!

I will get back to bloggin more hopefully and I plan to return to the gym tomorrow after like a 3 week hiatus. Hope everyone is sticking to plan!

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