So, I've been away for a while and at least I lost a pound and a half since the last time i was on here, so at least i'm not gaining weight. I just went back to atkins to jump start my weight loss. I have not worked out in 3 months. Life has been crazy, I was seeing someone like everyday for 3 months, got a teaching job in the city, and 2 other jobs in the suburbs. Oh my god, when they talk about Chicago Public School being bad, they are!!! I can't believe these parents come to school with hickies on their necks and some are in gangs and they swear, and the list goes on and on. It really is soo sad, to be an educator and want to try and help these kids to have a better life, but so many come from broken homes and such bad environments, it makes sense how they could care less about school. Anyw\ays, so the guy I was seeing finally told me he was "DONE" actually he more screamed it. He's great and I'm not, and I am a mess when it comes to relationships and I'm so unhappy with myself and put such unrealistically high expectations on others that they are bound to fail no matter what. So, I'm devastated and he won't even talk to me and all I want to do is drown my sorrows in pizza. I caused this break up and it sucks that I won't be able to talk my way out of it like I usually can. And I want to lose weight so I'm trying not to turn to food, so I've been crying everyday. I prayed to God yesterday for the first time in over 12 years, literally because I don't know if God is real and I don't practice religion, but I find myself just breaking down internally and I need some sort of guidance or support higher than myself. I always thought I fixed the drug and bipolar problems, but really I fixed the symptoms, not me. So, I'm trying to bounce back and I'm trying to not binge because I want to keep losing weight, and I hope that S will call me and I know he won't but i just hope, and its so pathetic, because I'm such a strong women, but you know sometimes i don't want to be so strong, I want to have a man in my life that i can share things with and have love and support with and if I can't move on past my issues I am just going to keep sabotoging every relationships, I've done it all my life. when am I going to stop? Same thing with my weight, so much dieting and sabotoging and weight gain and stretch marks, when am I going to stop and just get it right?