Oh... while I was away I gained weight and went up to 261 pounds. I was so upset that after all of the time I spent blogging on here two years ago that I was a measly 11 pounds less than when I started, so I gave on EP. Well I'm back and I am at 223.5, the goal is to be 220 by Christmas. It's funny I don't feel like I look any different than 261, but people are really starting to comment. I bought a pair of size 16 jeans the other day and that felt awesome. Lets be realistic though I'm still an 18, the 16 happened to be a bit stretchy! I still hate my body, it is quite bad when even my roomate says you have the wierdest body type I have ever seen. That is because I have no thighs, butt, or hips, literally, but I have this big stomache and I am very broad around my rib cage. If you took a picture without my stomached my hips, but and thighs could fit into a size 8 jeans, which is why I have trouble finding pants, but my upper body is so large. I hope everyone is doing well, especially those wonderful people I use to talk to. I will catch up more later
So i have been reading a lot of articles lately about how you cannot go by your cardio machines results that say how much weight you have lost. I wonder if this is why I have not lost weight in a month, because I do a 500-600 calorie burn on the elliptical for 36 min. or so it says, but either way I'm still working out, so that is a plus. So, I get prevention magazine and it has suggestions for how to accurately calculate your calories burned and they give an example of an elliptical and blah blah blah. So I got to their website, go through all of this crap of setting up a profile, just to see how many calories I burned. WTF??? THey don't even have the option of an elliptical when you pick activities box and they will tell you how much youhave burned on it. They have activities down to walking and carrying your baby in a bjorn, but not the freakin elliptical??? Um,... helllo who doesn't use an elliptical? Everyone uses and ELLLIPTICAL!!!!! YOu even used it in the example inyour freakin magazine. I"m super peeved right now. So..... can anyone tell me how to figure my actual calories burned on the elliptical, I have postesd my stats below. THAnk you so much!
weight: 235
age 25
height: 5 foot 3 inches
heart rate on elliptical (machine with arms): 176-185
Reading my past posts, I feel like I should be somewhat further along in my life. I should weigh a lot less and handle my emotions a lot more. After last post, I got back together with S and we officially were done about 3 weeks ago. I have been a wreck because it took me so long to like him and let go of all of my body issues to be comfortable with him and now he's done. He refuses to even talk to me, its like I don't exist to him. THe one good thing is that I have not ate healthy or exercised in 5 months and did not gain weight. Best motivator to get back on the elliptical: break up. So for the past few weeks I was working out 5 days a week burning 500+ calories a session and eating around 1500 calories, 110 carbs, 38g of fat. Guess how much weight loss? 0000000 So this week, I was like f--- it, guess what ate pizza, pasta, boozed it up, guess how much weight loss or gain? 00000000 So what did I learn, that my body is failing me right now and I am emotionally failing myself rightnow because I can't get out of my rut, it has been a year since I started this blog and I'm still fat, still single, and less happy.
So, I've been away for a while and at least I lost a pound and a half since the last time i was on here, so at least i'm not gaining weight. I just went back to atkins to jump start my weight loss. I have not worked out in 3 months. Life has been crazy, I was seeing someone like everyday for 3 months, got a teaching job in the city, and 2 other jobs in the suburbs. Oh my god, when they talk about Chicago Public School being bad, they are!!! I can't believe these parents come to school with hickies on their necks and some are in gangs and they swear, and the list goes on and on. It really is soo sad, to be an educator and want to try and help these kids to have a better life, but so many come from broken homes and such bad environments, it makes sense how they could care less about school. Anyw\ays, so the guy I was seeing finally told me he was "DONE" actually he more screamed it. He's great and I'm not, and I am a mess when it comes to relationships and I'm so unhappy with myself and put such unrealistically high expectations on others that they are bound to fail no matter what. So, I'm devastated and he won't even talk to me and all I want to do is drown my sorrows in pizza. I caused this break up and it sucks that I won't be able to talk my way out of it like I usually can. And I want to lose weight so I'm trying not to turn to food, so I've been crying everyday. I prayed to God yesterday for the first time in over 12 years, literally because I don't know if God is real and I don't practice religion, but I find myself just breaking down internally and I need some sort of guidance or support higher than myself. I always thought I fixed the drug and bipolar problems, but really I fixed the symptoms, not me. So, I'm trying to bounce back and I'm trying to not binge because I want to keep losing weight, and I hope that S will call me and I know he won't but i just hope, and its so pathetic, because I'm such a strong women, but you know sometimes i don't want to be so strong, I want to have a man in my life that i can share things with and have love and support with and if I can't move on past my issues I am just going to keep sabotoging every relationships, I've done it all my life. when am I going to stop? Same thing with my weight, so much dieting and sabotoging and weight gain and stretch marks, when am I going to stop and just get it right?
If anyone reads Perez Hilton, he always calls the stars who are head cases, "hot messes," that's me. I feel like I'm constantly trying to find me, and I know who I am and I'm really strong in my personality, but my emotions are all of the place and I need to be more stabilized. So, I met a guy and he's great and he's someone thta any girl would be so lucky to have, just not me. He's too in my face and he always wants to hang out, and I know I sound stupid because um hello, isn't that what dating is, it's just I don't know, he's just pushing me and I think I just would really like him as a friend, because he's cool and I don't know how to tell him that. We've only been hanging out for like a week, but it has been non-stop and I'm already feeling like I need a break. It's like I complain when I'm lonely and then I complain when there's someone in the picture. As for weightloss, the scale is slowly lowering, my workouts have not been so consistant.
So I've been slowly loosing some pounds. Not doing anything big but cut out carbs after 3pm and that has really helped me get past my plateau. So, I have been on this horrible pattern of working out for a week and then being on hiatus for a week. Today I woke up again and said I don't feel like working out (I have no excuse, I have a lot of time on my hands, and I'm finally getting some sleep) however I just can't seem to make myself consistently work out. So, I bargained with myself all morning and then I made myself go to the gym and thought if I at least go there and do cardio for 10 minutes, at least I went. So I went and burned only 300 calories on elliptical and only did the inner and outer hip abduction machines and leg extension machine. So, although this is a very very half ass work out for me, I'm proud of myself because it was something other than just staying at home and I'm going to go again tomorrow and hopefully I'll do a better workout, but at least I'm going. For me just getting me to the gym is half the battle.
So new Goal. I'm going to Arizona on October 7th to see my best friend's baby and it will be 85 degrees (whereas in chicago, we are already wearing coats) so I thought I would have 9 more months til I get back into my swimsuit, nope just about 3 weeks. So the goal is 230pounds by the 7th. I will do it!!!
thanks to Low sugar ketchup!!! I love love love ketchup and I finally found a ketchup about a year ago that was low sugar. When I find foods I love that help me loose weight I become obsessed and then I get really dissapointed when they just disappear off of the grocery shelves. It's like those grocers have just popped my weight loss dreams. For instance, my new fave yogurt was light n fit orange/mango flavor. I could not find this anywhere, but at Valli's, and now they discontinued it and I have discontinued my yogurt eating. Then one day out of nowhere every single grocery store by me discontinued my low sugar ketchup. I have been mourning the loss and even went on online to see where I could buy it, even Ebay and no one had it. So, today my mom went into the city and came upon my low sugar ketchup and bought me four bottles!!!! This has truley made my day. Happy weight loss y'all.
So, I have been sick for a week an I'm pretty proud that I have gone to exercise quite a few times and I have been using my ab ball. So although it has been a pain to try and do the elliptical and blow my nose, I'm persevering. I have also been eating a big breakfast and I try to eat most of my carbs at lunch and then just proteins and vegetables at dinner and I feel that makes my body feel the best. My body just can't handle carbs, as much as I love them and so I do a lot better if I have them right after I work out at lunch. The air is becoming crisp, which I love, except that we had no summer so I kind of miss some warm weather. Good luck on the weight loss everyone!!!
So, I was talking with my boss who happens to be a psychologist and she told me that I need to start dating again because I have too many issues and hopefully when I start dating they will work themselves out. I laughed so hard. OF COURSE I HAVE ISSUES!! Doesn't everybody? I am the most dramatic person you will meet plus I have had every freakin problem that you find in a self-help book- drug addiction, unhealthy relationships, eating disorders, self- mutilation, blah blah blah. I of course think I have healed most of my issues, but I do have a fear of intimacy and not just sex, I just can't get close to someone and then I clutch on to my guy friends as substitute boyfriends so I don't have to deal with an actual relationship. Then I decided in January that I was going to get thin or at least be like 200 pounds and then I said I would look for someone, or at least start dating again. So of course it is 9 months later and though I've lost some weight I have been pretty consistent at not losing weight for 4 months!!! So basically I'm going to stay fat and not date. It's not that I feel like oh poor me no one will like me, no there are people in my life who would like to be with me or at least sleep with me and I will not because I'm just so uncomfortable with me. I already hate this post because I sound so needy, the thing is I'm so far from being needy with people it is more being needy to myself. Does that make sense? Why can't I just lose weight and have healthy relationships?
On another note, I find out my ex got married (got to love myspace) right? It's so unfair, why does he get to move on, like seriously it has been less than 2 years since I was sleeping with him and he's freaking married!!! I'm still healing myself from him and he gets to go and be married, while I was the one who prepared him for 6 years to be married. That woman married the man I straightened out. Now of course I don't want to be with him but I was hoping he would be fat and miserable (which he is neither). Okay enough of my whiney post. ICK!!
Okay just read my blog and boy do I sound annoying, so I am posting some positive stuff. My abs kill finally working on my lovely ab ball that has been getting dusty, I love ab burn!!!!! Going to see Local H super excited!!! There you go POSITIVE POWER!
When someone being negative in our family we call them negative nancy or debbie downer (compliments of SNL). So I have been a total negative nancy. I'm so sick of stressing about a job, I have jobs, just not a career yet. ICK!!! I'm sick of thinking my friends are shitty, feeling bad about my weight, and just being overall annoyed with life!!!! My family and I started a new contest on Monday. The goal is to see who can lose the most amount of weight by Christmas. THe winner gets $500. I'm super excited because I needed some new motivation. Nothing much really to say, just feeling super blah.
. OF COURSE I HAVE ISSUES!! Doesn't everybody? I am the most dramatic person you will meet plus I have had every freakin problem that you find in a self-help book- drug addiction, unhealthy relationships, eating disorders, self- mutilation, blah blah blah. I of course think I have healed most of my issues, but I do have a fear of intimacy and not just sex, I just can't get close to someone and then I clutch on to my guy friends as substitute boyfriends so I don't have to deal with an actual relationship. Then I decided in January that I was going to get thin or at least be like 200 pounds and then I said I would look for someone, or at least start dating again. So of course it is 9 months later and though I've lost some weight I have been pretty consistent at not losing weight for 4 months!!! So basically I'm going to stay fat and not date. It's not that I feel like oh poor me no one will like me, no there are people in my life who would like to be with me or at least sleep with me and I will not because I'm just so uncomfortable with me. I already hate this post because I sound so needy, the thing is I'm so far from being needy with people it is more being needy to myself. Does that make sense? Why can't I just lose weight and have healthy relationships?