haven't lost more weight, but that's ok!

update!!

Almost forgot to update my weigh in!!

WOW weigh in today!!

I'm back and fighting harder than ever!!

no worries, I haven't given up just yet

 I know my last blog was so depressing and I've been m.i.a. with what seems like forever, but, I'm still surviving and not giving up!!

At this point, I'm just so in shock as to how my life has taken so many crazy twists and turns and how easily I was able to just lose all motivation.  I don't even know where to begin with what has truly been going on in my life, nor do I wish to get into it.  (It would be one LOONGGG entry).  I'm just blessed to have my life and I'm also happy that I managed to finish my first year of grad school with allllmost straight a's.  I got a B plus   in one of my classes.

But, this is the first!!!  I mean, in the past, such horrible things affecting my life would have brought my grades down so much.  Now, I was able to still do well, but, unfortunately it just brought down my motivation to take care of myself.  It's so awful that I get this way.  I need some sort of balance in my life.  I'm always consumed with being organized and hardworking in every single other area of my life except taking care of myself and losing weight.

I mean, it's also the little things, like being lazy and not even washing my makeup off at night or brushing my teeth.  GROSS I KNOW.  But, things like that, where usually I'm so on top of things (as I obviously should be)....everything to do with taking care of myself gets brushed aside.  NOT anymore by the way, thank god, but at the time.

I'd wake up looking at myself in the mirror thinking "God I'm fat.  I really need to work out today."  then seconds later thinking all that I had to do that day then say "ah fuck it."  SO SAD.

But, I have to recognize myself as a survivor and a fighter.  I have gone through so many traumas in my life that you wouldn't believe and I value everybody's lives so much, just mine not so much.  That has GOT to change.

But, with the help of my boyfriend and prayer, I was able to snap out of it and get back on track.  I had to realize that I shouldn't feel guilty for responding to the situations that happened to me the way I did.  Anybody would have been affected and temporarily "thrown off track."  

I have yet to weigh myself, but I knowww I gained weight.  But, to be honest, I don't care.  Not in a bad way, I mean, I accept what has happened and now know it's time to step up to the plate again.

Also, I do read all of your blogs religiously.  Thank you for motivating me and being so inspiring.

I know losing weight is going to take forever, but, I figure it's a life long journey ... and with that, you're BOUND to screw up a few times.

and it's OK.

I kind of feel embarrassed, by the way, that my last post was so dramatic...but, trust me I was going through a lot and still am.  I can guarantee you I'm no drama queen and I think that's why things were so hard.  I'm used to being this rock and I just feel like I just broke finally.  But, I allowed it to.

But, with help and a change in attitude... I know I'll be fine.  :)

not doing so well guys...

 0 pounds lost... gained back the 2 pounds.

I've sucked these past couple of weeks with dieting and exercise.  So much, that I wish not to talk about, has happened lately and, yet again, all of it has caused me to fail.

I put others before myself too often.  I never have time for myself because of that.

I feel I get 0 support from anybody in my life.

I have lost all motivation.

I've almost completely given up, even on here.

It's weigh in dayyyy

 So, on sunday, for my all day class, I accomplished my goal of avoiding the donuts and eating my own healthy snacks (an apple and a small bag of cheerios).  SO YAYYYY!  I also played Tennis with Derek, once again, so I felt so great after that.

Yesterday, I didn't work out at all.  Didn't have time.  But, you know what?? I let it slide.  I just looked up at my calender and saw all those stars  showing that I have been doing great with working out, and it didn't bother me.  I just thought a day off is perfectly fine, michelle, don't sweat it.  

So, today I did some circuit training from "This biggest loser fitness program" book.  I have two books of theirs that are really helpful.  I'm gonna plan on getting some cardio tonight at the gym too.

And lastly, IT'S WEIGH IN DAY....

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

and hey, I lost 2 pounds.

yay for me!  

To be honest, I'm really wondering if I lost it or if it's just the time of day, etc.  You know how you can fluctuate by 2 pounds throughout the day on the scale and all.  But, I did try to avoid that by weighing myself roughly around the same time.

So, I just have to stop being doubtful and lame and just accept the possibility that I MAY HAVE JUST LOST 2 POUNDS!!  and I'm off to a great start.

Thanks luvs!  

Tennis it is!!

 Yesterday, I stayed at my boyfriend's place for most of the day.  I drove him back to school with me for the weekend.  His grad school is about 25 minutes away, so close, yet, so far away....at least for gas.  So, I either stay there all weekend or he stays here. I have class alllll weekend, so poor thing. haha!

But, Derek was so supportive about playing tennis yesterday and today.  He's actually pretty good for a beginner and is really into it!  OH MY GOD that boy had me running all over that court trying to hit that ball.  Keep in mind, I love it, but I suck big time and he has no clue what he's doing.... so yeah we're just having fun out there and just saying "YAAAYYY WE HIT THE BALL!! YAYY!!" haha!!  I used to take lessons as a kid, but that was sooo long ago, so I could somewhat teach him the rules and how to hit.  I just remember enjoying it a lot.  So, you can imagine two people who suck just running all over the court and hitting the ball in every which direction.  Yesterday, we only played for a half hour and today for an hour.  DUDE, SO SORE RIGHT NOW.  I was so happy about it though.  You really feel it in your arms and, especially, your legs.  MY THIGHS ARE KILLER RIGHT NOW.  haha!  The whole point of it all is just to change my damn attitude of working out being so dreadful.  I want to view it as fun and feeling good.  And, yeah, I do feel good right now.  In fact, I feel great and really proud of myself.  I feel like with how sore I am?? I may as well been in the gym for an hour.  Yeah, I really want to mix my workouts up so I don't get bored and I don't view working out as a duty and, instead, just view it as something that I like to do.

Eating wise?? I did pretty well yesterday and today with meals...buuut.... this morning DONUTS got me!!! noooo!!!  During our 9-5 class today we had a break in the morning and we were all starving and needing coffee like crazy.  I didn't want it, but there wasn't much to choose from and everybody else in my class was eating them and yeahhh ended up saying to myself "fuck it" I'm half dead and starving right now.  I felt really bad, but I promised I'd eat right the rest of the day and make sure to work out, and I did, so I wasn't too hard on myself. 

But I realized my mistake and tomorrow??  I'm gonna bring my own healthy snacks and make sure I don't have to eat junk!  I thought it was better to prepare myself for those cravings.

Also, I've been doing pretty well drinking more water.  so yayyyy

I feel really great about everything.  I feel like I have so much support and I don't even KNOW you girls!!  Just writing these blogs and reading other people's blogs makes me feel so much better.  Also, I have this dry erase calender mirror that honestly hadn't been erased/updated since September, so NOW I'm using that to mark all the days that I'm working out and keeping track of what I'm doing.

The only thing that bugs me, is yeahhhh I am a compulsive weigh in girl.  I HATE it .  I should hide my scale.  My boyfriend is gonna take it away and keep it at his place and hide it so that I only weigh in once a week.  It makes me sad because I'm just waiting and waiting to see if I lost anything...but no.

I have GOT to be patient, it's ridiculous, right??  Does anybody lose anything the first week or is it just me??  I still have until Tuesday until it would be officially a week...so I just need to get over it right??

anyways, I'm not giving up this time.  I am NOT.

and now my before picture is up!!

 When I put up my before picture, I felt like this was so official, like, this is it!!  I'm going to really do it this time!! 

Yesterday, I ate really well.  My friend took me out to dinner and I actually had the guts to tell her that I'm trying to eat healthy.  I never tell anybody when I'm on a diet!! To tell you the truth, what's the real harm, right?  Even though I was embarrassed to tell her about my being on a diet, the feeling I had was like a weight being lifted from my shoulders.  I felt like I revealed such a huge secret for some reason!  Anyways, so she took me to a tai food restaurant  and I mainly ate veggies and water.  I actually got so stuffed off of it.  I was really surprised.

I didn't exercise though!!! booooo

I did plan for it, which was a good step, right?   I was supposed to do it in the morning, but low and behold, I could not wake my ass up for the life of me.  I went to bed so late because I need to finish this book before my weekend class for grad school.  My professor told us about it just this monday, so, I've been reading like crazy.  Then my friend had boy troubles and, of course, I dropped everything to be there for her.  By that time, I had to go to this internship fair that was from 11:30-1:30.  I grabbed a big salad for lunch and then I had class from 2-5, thinking I would just work out after.   I was so mad at myself, by the way, when I woke up late and missed my opportunity to work out.  I already noticed feelings of failure and guilt.  I felt that I had already screwed it all up and that I'm just going to keep making plans and not committing to them... forever.  But, then I pepped myself up by convincing myself that I could always do it after class.  But, no.  My friend needed me and begged me to come over.  She was in tears and I couldn't just ignore her, I felt.  That's when we went to dinner later.  

After all that, my boyfriend calls me up asking if he left his belt, that is required for work, at my place.  So, I spend all this time looking for one, but, no, not there.  So, I lend him mine!!!  UGHHH.... I knew it was going to be so big on him and of course it didn't fit because he's in shape and half my size.  That made me feel even more disgusted with myself... 

SO THENNN

off to Target we went.  We did some shopping and I bought him a tennis raquet and a few tennis balls so we can play a sport together.  I think I can definitely stick to staying fit if it's not always at the gym.  Derek is THE most supportive boyfriend in the whole wide world.  That boy calls me beautiful no matter how I look.  I'll wake up looking like a dead raccoon because I forgot to take my makeup off the night before, and he'll STILL tell me how beautiful I am every morning.  I love him so so much.  We've been together for 3 and a half years  and we really want to get married after we get our Ph.d's.  I'm so glad I have support from him.  But, sadly, it's never been enough!  He'll sometimes go with me to the gym or take me.  He knows I like to play tennis and he hates it, but he's still willing to play with me just so we can work out together.

I just hope all this works out.  

Lord, please give me hope and motivation.