So this past weekend I did a lot of soul searching and looking into my life. I was home and slept ALOT and bummed around. I am not the type to do that usually. I do have depression and I am on medicane but havent been able to afford it lately but Tommorow I am getting new medicane .. ( YAY ) at least I know I need help.. he he but as far as bummin it was a wake up call in a way if that makes any sense... I realized this is not the life I want to live.. I want to be active and NOT watch tv 24-7 or sleep and I ate so much crap cause I was bored... why the hell was I bored cause I was lonely.. but I live alone and should really get over that... I have a boyfriend and lots of family and friends but I chose to sit alone in self pity and just eat crap.. I swear I ate so much it was gross.... uGH.,. I could have been cleaning , studying or out doing something. I managed to go to the apartment office comuter room which is next to the gym to get online and get on myspace.. which is a horrible addiction I dont need and thats one reason I cant have the net at my house but anyways whole other stoiry... I could have watched tv while in the gym.... geez.. tonight I am making myself go for at least an hour to watch my shows from 6-7 while I do the tread mill and the bike... ( funny how I am not really even a TV person) lol... anyways thats my goal tonight and then to clean up a little and cook me a healthy dinner or just eat a zone bar and have popcorn later as a treat... and then do my homework and by 9:30 be ready to relax and wach Ace of Cakes on the food channel.. I love that channel and how the make all the fun cakes.. maybe this will work tonight cause its being productiove and I can still treat myself later to my show and still get things done like a responsible person....
I am going to copy the idea of a friend on here of just setting small goals to work towards and then I can get excitied for smaller ones. I have made one to lose about 20 lbs. by the end of September and that should be easy. The bigger the faster I lose and excercising and vitamins will kick it off... yay.. plus my boyfriend has said he will start working out with me which can be fun...
Anyways thats all I have for now but wanted to admit to my stupid mistakes I made but maybe I can actually learn from them and wake up and be productive and not waste away. I am logging in everything I am eating so when I go to ww I wont be suprised... and trying to drink my water and cut out sodas but its so hard.. I need to work on my self control cause its not so good sometimes... I heard someone say nothing tastes as good as being skinny and maybe I can tell myself that and it will sink in. I want before and after pictures of this and I want to be able to be healthy and do my modeling....
So I went to weight watchers yesterday and I have really been hurting myself past few weeks for no reason. I gained 5 lbs. and wow I was upset with MYSELF. I thought a lot about it and it bothers me cause I HATE LIARS and I cant stand being hurt but I am doing it to myself. I knew I wasnt doing as I should on weight watchers and wasnt sticking to my goals and then I found out I gained... how pathetic... I am going to look at this as a positive and NOT HURT MYSELF ANYMORE. I love chocolate and its just not that good for me so I compromised with myself and I can have meal replacement bars that hve yummy chocolate on them and its still gettin my chocolate fix. I drank a lot of alcohol last Friday and those points just added up so high.... yeah its fun to be drinking with friends but I am naturally an outgoing, goofy person and dont need to be intoxicated to have fun and be goofy... so I should take advantage of my natural personality.
I am not a real religious person but I know that each of us is unique and special in our own ways with many gifts and so on adn that we are literally only given one life and one body.. WHY NOT TAKE CARE OF The bodies? We torture ourselves by eating and drinking and all the other habits in this world. I am going to learn to treasure my body and take care of it cause its only one that I have for the rest of my life. I shouldnt take advantage of it by ruining it cause I should just take specail care of myself.
This stuff may not make sense to anyoen but myself but I have just done a lot of thinking lately and I feel like I need to treasure myself and also respecy myself as a person mentally and physically. I am always negative about myself around others because I feel like if I am then they wont have a chance to be when in reality adults are not rude and prejudice to others as I think... People love me cause of my personality and I am a pretty girl just over weight.. but that can be changed...
I lost 2 lbs... yea I was thrilled cause I thought I did bad... I didnt record it yet on my tracker but I was happy about this... I will update the weight tommorow. Hope everyone had a great weekend.. I would love to chat with a lot of you... you can email me or you can check out my myspace page... http://www.myspace.com/princessheada25
I am on a couple times a week and love new friends on there. Im going to continue being a LOSER cause in this sense its a good thing...
Now if I could get my self esteem up and not feel emotionally like a loser then things would be great but I am working on that each day....
YEAH YEAH YEAH only that long til I can start my weekend. I am so ready for the weekend to relax.... I have a busy one ahead of me but I am excited. I am going to begin with a happy hour at 5PM and well I am only going to have one drink and a few chips and then just talk the whole time so I dont overdo it today... I am a talker so its okay.. he he and then I have air hockey tonight with my boyfriend and then well he is staying tonight and tommorow I have a ton of things I am going to do.. I am going to make my garden for my dog to have so she can play.. funny cause I live in an apt but my patio has a garden and so I am going to doggy proof it for my precious lil Rosie.. and then I have some house work I need to do when its too hot to go outside.. then family stuff on Sunday for my daddy's b-day so I will be all good. I am going to just talk a lot and not eat cause I am good at that.
I started making some goals that are reasonable and ones that are realistic... they are going to be listed below... I am going to do everything in my power to achive these cuz I know how wonderful I will feel after they have been achieved.
Long term goals
1. Lose 150 lbs. and keep it off
2. Begin my modeling dream- I will take my portfolio when this goal is hit and start with an agency
3. shop at old navy sales... he he and not the plus size section
4. Toss all my FAT CLOTHES ( actually donate them)
5. Be active at a gym so I can keep building muscle and definition to my body.... I will be wearing halter tops by then.
SHORT TERM GOALS
1. Lose at least 50lbs by Christmas.. I will be buying some new clothes for the holiday parties and a fancy dress for the New Years Party this year.
2. Be able to walk a couple of miles without bein out of breath
3. Be able to stay away from choc. and sweets... ( its my worst habit)
4. and get in habit of excercising everyday and not making up excuses
Those are some of the goals I have made and there are many more but it willtake time to achieve them... when I lose 50 lbs. though I am going to get a spa mani/pedi and massage as a treat to myself. Every 10 lbs I will be getting a pedi at my nail shop...
I know each person is different but these are mine. Anyways I wish everyone good luck this weekend and I hope everyone stays safe...
I would love to meet more people so please feel free to add me to your friends and email me. I love email friends and more people to support each other.
My good friend Temple has been a great friend and supporter for me... she and I joined Weight Watchers in Feb I think and I ended up getting sick and couldnt really diet the proper way and had surgery in March and til about last month its been crazy with what I can and cant eat. Temple has done AMAZING on her diet and I am so proud of her. She is so happy and looks great. I recently joined weight watchers again and we are going to be there for each other. She is on this site now for more added support to each other nad other new friends we will come across on here. Thanks Temple.. love ya...
She even snuck me a big bag of splenda and Sugar free hot cocoa cause she loves me !!!!!
Well another day to go... Last night I was going to excercise but instead I just layed down and went to sleep at 6pm cause its easier to deal with my problems then to face them. Thats the coward in me and I know I have to work on that cause it does me no good at all. I am considering the lap band but then I cant decide... its a major decision.. I dont want to be sick if I binge or if I overeat the portions I am allowed. but if I do the surgery I will have to know that I cant do that. I like weight watchers but I find I am my own biggest enemy and its bad cause I will cheat and justify it somehow which is stupid because I am only hurting myself. I am going to do like a friend said and journel my food diary stuff and also keep track of my excercise but most importantly SET some realistic short term and long term goals and start from there. I can post them so people can see and know what I am working towards.
I am going to start tommorow and make some changes that will forever change my life. I am on weight watchers and I need to track more of my loss and start excercising tonight. I am so unhappy with how I look and READY to start a new life. This is so pathetic.. I have let food take over me and thats not okay. I am too strong to allow food to rule my life. I miss so much in life because I am big and ashamed to do things or cant do things.. I need to let go of food and start having the life I want to have because we only get one chance at it. I have a lot of support through thick and thin with family and friends but would love to meet more people going thru the same struggles I face each day mentally and physically.
