I'm currently part of a few challenges on the MFD forums and I figured this would be a good place to keep myself in check on one of these challenges.
It's an April Fools Day challenge (ends on April 1st) and it's basically where you set your own little mini goals and try to accomplish them in time.
So here are my goals:
~Drink 90 fl oz of water every day
~Take my vitamins every day
~Work out at least 6 times per week
~Lose 13 pounds (or so)
~Write in my weight-loss blog every day (here at ep)
I'm excited to complete these.
So today I completed all of the daily goals of it.
Another mini goal that I have set for myself is to get somewhere around 180 by my 21st birthday (April 23). I know its a lot of weight to lose, but I'll be happy however close I get to reaching that goal (even if I'm 5 or so pounds shy).
I have so much more I want to write about, but its late and I actually want to wake up early tomorrow. I've got lots to do!
I'll continue later!
Oh and thanks to Voxxy for offering helpful advice about writing a letter! I think his mom has lightened up a bit because yesterday she actually came into my room and talked to me. We just chatted about family and stuff like that. And she told me that she wants to get to know me better and vice versa, so she thinks it'd be nice to have a little meeting once a week. I think maybe she was in a good mood yesterday because she was actually listening to me while I was speaking. I hope it turns out for the best because I definately do not want to be on her bad side.
The past week has been pretty uneventful. I haven't worked out once. I've been okay with my eating habbits, I haven't gone over by more than 300 calories except for yesterday. Since it was Valentine's Day the bf, Aaron, and I made ourselves a perfect dinner. We had roasted rack of lamb rubbed with garlic, mint, rosemary, oregano, parsely and olive oil. Along with it we had rosemary garlic roasted potatoes, haricot verts (french green beans) and a mushroom-red wine demi glace (a delicious brown sauce). We drank a bottle of an Australian Shriaz, a red wine. And for dessert: Chocolate Hazelnut Souffles. It was the first time either of us had made them, or even eaten them. But they turned out perfect and we had them with berries and cool whip and a little bit of Port. It was perfect. I mean absolutely perfect. I felt like we had eaten at a fancy restaurant. It made me proud that we could enjoy ourselves so much at home with home cooked food, and for a lot cheaper than if we were to go to a restaurant. So I guess the two years of Culinary school we each did paid off somewhow.
Any way. My last weigh-in was on Wednesday and the scale read 203.5. I was thrilled! During my week off I stayed the same weight and now while I'm eating a little bit over my daily caloric limit I'm still losing! I think maybe if I'm eating a little bit more then my body is in burning mode and whatever I do put in my mouth is burned. So I'm pretty happy about that. I'm really excited to see my mom because I haven't seen her in about 2.5 months. And the last time she saw me I was about 14 pounds heavier. I hope she sees the difference. Honestly, yesterday I spent a good amount of time looking at myself in the mirror and I really do see a change. I just look slimmer overall. I still have the same rolls, the same fat in the same areas, but it just looks like less of it. I'm proud of myself that even when my motivation has left me I've stuck with the plan. And I've lost almost 14 pounds! I never thought I'd be able to do it. And it's been pretty simple. Sometimes its been hard to keep my mouth closed, but I think I've made better choices when I really couldn't stop myself from eating. And I've become better with portion control. And I really don't deny myself anything. I allow myself to have SOME. Just a little bit here and there. Every week I look forward to the next one so that I can reach my weigh-in day. As for the weigh-loss area of my life I'm happy.
The rest is a little bit more gray. I left Florida because I was unhappy with my job. Aaron wanted me to come live with him instead of going back home where my allergies make me miserable. I'm allergic to dust, cats, dogs, and dustmites (in order from least to most). At home we have 7 cats, 2 dogs and a millions and millions of dust mites. So as you can assume I cannot breathe when I'm at home. I sneeze so much that my muscles begin to burn and they hurt so much they make me cry. My nose peels from all of the leaking. Its just such a horrible way to live. And I know my mom would change it all if she could, but she loves her animals, and in order to get rid of all the dust mites she has to get rid of all of the furniture and tear the house apart. She spends a lot of time taking care of my handicapped brother, and working full-time to be able to spend all the necessary time to make the house liveable for me. And I can't do it because the allergies make me so tired. I literally have tried to tear apart my own room and after half of an hour doing so the allergies defeat me. Anyway, so I decided to come live with Aaron in his parent's house. They also extended the invitation. So I have my own room here for my stuff and my computer. Aaron gave me a computer he had laying around. Its a really good one, it used to be his cousin's. So its nice to have my own space. I spent most of my time with Aaron in his room, and I sleep there at night. We have the upstairs of the house mostly to ourselves. So we have our own kitchen, dining room, and living room. We cook for ourselves, and on some nights of the week we cook for the rest of the family. Its pretty peaceful here except for sometimes Aaron's mom gets me upset. She likes to poke people to figure out what they're made of. I feel like I'm under a microscope almost all the time. Sometimes she can be so nice and other times she seems so grouchy. And she gets all mad when Aaron and I don't work out. And shes told him that she doesn't think I'm committed to losing the weight. Mind you shes on a diet herself. Shes one of those people who just tries all the fad diets and never loses the weight. Although shes pretty active. She works out most days of the week, and she takes her family on hiking trips several times a year. Aaron wants me to come hiking with them on the next one... and honestly it scares me so much. I don't think I'll be able to keep up, so I just want to stay away from the whole subject. I think the next one is in July. So maybe I can shape up enough by then. Hopefully. So she gets me really pissed off when she gets involved with my shit. I know I'm living in her house but I'm a private person and if I don't want you commenting then I really want you to butt out. If I want advice I'll ask for it. It pisses Aaron off sometimes too. Like the day before when I was making the chocolate souffles for the dinner she came over and was all like "So you don't eat these all the time do you? Its only once in a while right?" and I looked at her like I couldn't believe her. And I said "I've never made this before, let alone eaten one. And we're only doing it for Valentine's Day. We don't eat desserts every day." Then she mumbled something about that being good and walked away. It bothers me that she thinks that I'm a total fat-ass when I've been working hard for the past 2.5 months to slim down. She makes me feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I asked Aaron what she was afraid of. He said that she knows I have an affect on him. So basically shes scare that I'm going to become 400 pounds and in turn I'll influence Aaron to also become 400 pounds. It just pisses me off. She doesn't even know how hard it was for me growing up. I ate instead of dealing with my feelings. I was totally depressed all of high school. All I did was cry, eat, feel guilty, cut myself, cry and eat some more. That was 4 years of it. I was always a chubby little kid. So I didn't gain a ton of weight because I already was fat. During the past 6 years (including high school) I gained about 30 pounds. So before high school I was already like 180 pounds. And I'm a short person so it really showed. I've just always loved food. And now my life still revolves around food but in a good way. I'm always planning so that I behave myself. I plan what I'm going to eat for dinner, and how much so that while I'm serving myself I'm trying to follow that mental picture and the red-calorie flags come up if I serve myself too much. And I never go back for seconds! That would be a big mistake. Wow, before I'd serve myself a HUGE plate of food and then go back for seconds, sometimes thirds. I really have changed because now its second nature, on most days, to do the right things.
I'm really happy that I'm not depressed anymore. Yes I get sad. Yes some days I cry for no reason. But its once in a while. Back then it was every single day... every single day of my life I was sad. I never thought I'd get out of it. I wonder whats changed. Maybe I've just become better with coping. I don't know. But I smile every day, and when I have a bad day I cry it all out, and then I pick myself up. I don't let myself wallow.
Being in New Jersey is like being in a shitter version of Queens. I really don't like it. I hate driving out there. But tomorrow I'm going home to Queens and I'm really happy. I miss everyone! :)
So, I'm finally in Jersey. I've spent the past week packing and driving, and riding trains, and unpacking. My eating was totally off for the first week of Feb, but I've gotten back on plan since Friday. It's difficult because I've been over my calories the past two days! I really need to get back to working out. I've just been so lazy! But the good thing is that I didn't gain a pound during that crazy week off. Tomorrow morning is weigh-in day and I'm hoping I've lost a half a pound or something. That would be cool.
My plan was to lose the couple of pounds that I needed to get to 199 by Valentine's Day. But thats a few days away and I know I'm not going to drop 7 pounds by then. But the closer I get the happier I'll feel about getting back on track. I've made a progress picture folder on my external hard drive. And there isn't much of a difference, but I think it's cool. I'll be happy to see what I look like with 30 pounds gone, and then 50! And then 80! and possibly even 100! It really doesn't feel like I've had this much excess weight on me. When I think about it and I say "Jeez!!! 100 pounds?! How is that even possible?" I look at myself and it doesn't look like 100 pounds of fat on me... but apparently there it is (well not now! I've lost 10). If I actually lost 100 pounds total that would bring me down to about 120 which is basically the normal weight for someone of 5'2. Although I do have a medium frame, so thats why my goal weight is 130. And even if I don't go all the way down to 130 I think I'll still be happy. I think I'll even be happy with being 140. As long as I can go shopping in normal sized clothing stores, and look nice in just jeans and a blouse then I'll be happy. I don't need to look like a crazy porn star, or skinny super model. I just want to look average. Yes there is a part of me deeeeeeeep down that wants to look like a Maxim model. They are smoking hot! But I know that even if I slimmed down enough I'd have to get a tummy tuck and a breast lift at the least. And even after all the surgery I'd still have stretchmarks and I know plenty of Maxim girls have stretchmarks but the get them airbrushed. Even they aren't perfect. But what is perfection? That truly is the question. I just want to look good, feel good, feel confident and be fit and healthy. Not too much to ask for is it?
These chicks in these pics look awesome. And they're not too skinny or anything. Good for them.
Soooo... I was down to 204.5 just a few days ago and yesterday's weigh-in kicked me in the face: 206.5. I was so excited that I only had 4.5 pounds until my first mini-goal.
Any way, there is A LOT going on right now. I'm in the process of moving back home and leaving my current job. So I've been eating more than I normally would (we have to get rid of all the food we have!). Today I just feel tired and dehydrated. I guess maybe I should be drinking some more water, etc. Buuuttttt.... I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I think I've entered a depression. Hopefully once I'm back up north (in the cold weather!! ) I can get out of this hole I've built for myself. I don't feel like giving up, I just feel like not bothing with anything or anyone right now. I think the next week will be just for me. Time for me to figure things out and get everything under control. I think I'll be okay.
All I want to do right now is sleep... but I can't fall asleep.
BTW, I've been living in Florida for the past few months, thats why I'm saying back north, meaning New York.
It feels weird seeing 206.5 on the scale. I've been here before, maybe about a year ago, but it feels like a foreign land to me. And I don't even know what its going to feel like when I reach the 100's. I haven't been there since like freshman year of high school. Which is sort of good that I've only gained about 20 pounds in the past 5 years. The progress has been slow though. I've been on MFD for 53 days and now I've finally reached 10 pounds lost? I do have to admit that I wasn't very strict with the exercise, which I keep hearing is something that you really need to lose the weight. I just really don't enjoy exercising. I mean, its sometimes fun with my workout dvds, but thats because it isn't very much cardio. Its the cardio that I dread. I think maybe its because I'm so heavy right now and its hard for me to move. It may not look it, but it takes a lot of effort to continuously walk for more than 30 minutes. Okay, I'm done with that topic!
It feels weird to have my life consumed by calories. I don't think I've ever been like this before.. or at least it's never actually stuck. I think this time is for real. Its like I understand now that this is a lifestyle change. And I'm ready to make this for life. It makes me feel good.
Now something that makes me feel bad: STRETCH MARKS! I was looking at myself in the mirror last night and I can't believe how many stretch marks I have, and they are not new! These are old and faded from when I put on all this weight. But... even though they are faded then are still clearly visible in any degree of light. And I realized that while I will lose the weight I will gain more stretch marks, and they will never go away. And so no matter how fit I am, how shapely, and toned, I will always have these as a reminder of my past. And it made me sadder to think that after I've lost the weight, after I've devoted so much time to looking better I still wouldn't ever be comfortable wearing a bathing suit and going to the beach. I probably wouldn't be comfortable in sexy lingerie, or naked. And those are the things I want the most, aside from being healthy and looking good with clothing on. But perhaps these ugly scars will make me stronger and in the end maybe they will help me embrace and accept myself no matter how I look. That is the ultimate goal. This is going to be a long, hard journey, but I'm ready and I'm hopeful. I'm going to do it right this time, and I'm going to make it to the end.
Not exactly slacking with the whole keeping with my food limits, but with the exercising! I did 45 minutes of a Tae Bo DVD yesterday which hopefully means I'm getting back on track! I'm down to 209 which makes me pretty happy since my lowest so far is 208. I'm hoping to be down to 200 by Valentines day. I hope its not too soon. I'm losing a lot slower than I thought I would... I had a goal to be down 40 by the time I went back home in May.. but it looks like I'll only be down 20 at tops. :( Its okay because its better than nothing.
I've been totally obsessed with getting a kitty! I've been looking online at shelters and everything! The thing is... we have 6 cats at home and if I come home with another cat my mom will kill me! But I'm planning on getting my own appartment when I go back home... so... I don't know. Plus I'm mildly allergic to cats.. so we'll see how that goes.
Anywho, I've got some stuff to do before I workout, but it should be a good night.
So last night I had a delicious dinner made by yours truly. It was traditional rice and beans, with some steamed broccoli, and the star of the plate: a thick juicy pork chop. My boyfriend loved the beans which made me proud because I wasn't too sure I could replicate my Mom's style of cooking. I weighed the pork chop out for food logging purposes and it was as I expected; around 8 ounces. Now, all day I ate light just so I'd be able to enjoy this special dinner without going over my calories, thats not to say that I starved myself or anything. Anyway, half way through my meal I realized that this morning was weigh-in day. So I was counting on my weight to go up around a pound or so. When I stepped on the scale this morning my weight had shot up 2.5 pounds, bringing me back up to 210.5. Very dissapointing. On the other hand my body fat % went down .5. So I guess I can't be doing that bad, right? After dinner and right before I hopped in the shower tonight I had the urge to weigh myself again, and with dinner in my belly I was still 210.5. But my body fat percent went down more, by 1%. I figure that I need to stop obsessing over the scale! I'm going back to only weighing in on Sundays and Wednesdays and only once during those days right when I get up for work.
I was thinking a lot about this journey I've began while I was lathering and rinsing. I've realized that I'm expecting to see huge results right away. That is not going to happen! So instead I'm going to start congratulating myself for every day that is a day that I am on track, instead of waiting until I drop x amount of pounds. Every day I'm taking a baby-step towards the finish line, and I need to acknowlege that instead of feeling bad for my fluctuations in weight.
Bleh, I feel like I'm just going around in circles and talking about the same things, but this is MY blog right? I can babble as much as I want to. It can only help me.
Well I did some workouts with the fitness ball tonight, and I did 100 crunches (thanks Wanda for inspiring me)! I don't think I've ever done that many before! I usually quit the moment it starts hurting, haha. I skimmed through my fitness ball dvd and it seems pretty cool, so I figure I'll do my usual cardio workout tomorrow on the treadmill and then on Tuesday (my day off) I can do the full 50 minute workout on the fitness ball. I'm actually excited. Maybe I need to get some more workout dvds, maybe fitness dancing or tai bo or something. I feel like a sponge right now absorbing all of this healthy information. I'm proud of myself for being so eager, even on a bummed day.
I'm so tired. My back is better since my boyfriend gave me an adjustment last night. I really appreciate his help with getting me into shape. He motivates me without making me feel like he thinks I'm fat. Thats a good thing. Anyway, I need to get some sleep. Work always feels like its 5 minutes away... I need a life away from work!
Well thanks for reading and the past comments. It makes me feel good about all this.
I am so sore! I worked out my inner thighs yesterday and they hurt so much I can barely close my legs! Hah. It's funny... yet a weird sensation.
Anyway, I 'll just write a little bit about myself. I'm 20 years old and I've been overweight all my life. It got much worse in High School because the depression I went through allowed me to find comfort in food. I still love food now, I even went to culinary school, graduated and am currently working in a kitchen. Even now I LOVE to eat. I've found that if I cut back my portions I can still eat pretty much anything I want, which makes me as happy as I can be right now.
I've been eating healthier now for just over a month. I'm currently a memeber of MyFoodDiary.com which I find is a very helpful and motivational site. I recommend it to the fullest! It makes it very easy to keep track of food, water intake, exercise and calories. Plus it's only $9 a month, much cheaper than buying stupid "diet" pills. And MFD teaches you how to eat for life! None of this fad dieting. It's all about eating in moderation and balancing all types of food. I'm really happy I found it. I am also drinking Slim Fast shakes for breakfast just because it's a good way to get in calories in the morning when I don't have time for breakfast (every morning!). I like the way the chocolate and vanilla shakes taste, plus they were on sale at the local Walmart. Can't refuse a reduced price on a fairly healthy product. Anyway, I've lost 9 pounds so far, most of it in the past two weeks. I'm nervous that I will begin to start losing weight slowly now since I've lost the initial weight.
I've been working out with this new heart rate monitor that I bought. It's a Polar F11 and so far I'm happy with it. I'm glad that I am able to see how many calories I'm burning accurately. It keeps me going throughout the exercise session. I've been using the treadmill every other day and my "yoga/pilates" kit on the non-treadmill days. Plus the fitness ball I have really does a great job getting me sore. It's great. Hopefully I can stick with the exercise because that seems to be the hardest part for me. Work kills me! I'm on my feet all day, walking, lifting, pushing, and then by the time its time to work out my back, feet, and legs are protesting. I did a good job today with working out because my back was killing me when I got home. (Having a large bust doesn't help the situation at all.)
I'm really excited to lose the weight. It's been my entire life that I've wanted this and I'm upset with myself for waiting so long before doing anything about it. It's really a shame that I didn't do this when I was in HS. I can't wait to buy clothing in regular clothing stores. No more Lane Bryant! I'm worried about the extra skin I might have. Tummy tuck and a breast lift? Please! If I need it... which I am really hoping I won't! And stretch marks!!! I hate them! I get them so easily... It makes me sad, But I guess for right now my goal is to look good with my clothes on, and I'll worry about the naked part later!
Okay! I think that explains enough. I've got to get ready for bed... I'm so tired. Plus my Aaron is supposed to give me a back adjustment soon. It's going to hurt so much!
I don't have much time to write, but I just wanted to say that I'm excited about posting about my success. I haven't written in ages and it feels good to write about something that is making me happy. It's late and I have to work in the morning, but I will be writing more tomorrow.
) I can get out of this hole I've built for myself. I don't feel like giving up, I just feel like not bothing with anything or anyone right now. I think the next week will be just for me. Time for me to figure things out and get everything under control. I think I'll be okay. 