Thanks BluexxandYellow for the words of encouragement. Congrats on the 5.8 pounds down!
I've been pretty crappy for the past few hours. It's been a really good day... but all of a sudden this darkness set in. And now I feel completely hopeless and completely drained. I feel like I want to give up... but I've come too far, I can never actually return to the old ways. I know too much now, I'm too aware of what I've done to my body and my self esteem. So I feel like I'm stuck in limbo; can't stick with it, and can't give it up. I don't know what to do with myself.
I've been watching those Paul McKenna shows on TLC, the "I Can Make You Thin" ones. And it seems pretty cool. You just eat when you're hungry, eat what you want, eat consciously, and stop when you're full. Really simple. And I tried this little accupressure tapping thingy he showed us for emotional eating, and it really stops me from stuffing my face. It seems good so far... but I can't get it out of my head that weightloss is supposed to hurt. I was thinking I could stick with this for a week or two or three, and if the weight doesn't come off at least the same as MFD, then I'll go back to it. I'm just so confused about all this. I'm exhausted. I almost feel like I need another two weeks off... but I can't.
I hope that I can wake up with a smile on my face and make tomorrow a great day.
So when did I decide to give myself a free day and stop logging on Saturdays? Never. But apparently thats what happened yesterday. I ate and ate and ate. I even ate homemade Mac´n Cheese at like midnight! So I´m sure my calories were waaaaaaay over. And today I slept all day, I just got up, and already I want to continue my binge from yesterday. I don´t want anything healthy for breakfast no, no. I´m just a full blown force of eating destruction. I hope I can make this a good day.
So the past few days have been somewhat difficult just because I've been over my calories by so much! Then yesterday I was just under my 1200 cals. And I got to have a very nice after dinner snack! TOM is here, so I was pleasantly surprised that this morning the scale read 204ish. And that was after breakfast. Anyway, I just remembered about that little Birthday mini goal that I set for myself. It was absolutly ridiculous. There's no way I'm going to lose 25 pounds in one month. Soooooo I've decided to re-do it. The new goal is to lose 5 pounds by my 21st birthday, which will put me in "ONE-DER LAND"! I'm happy with that. :)
I've also started a "Roxy Fund" which is where I put cash in a little hiding spot every so often, and when I reach another 10 pounds down I'll be able to use the money to get myself something nice. I was thinking clothing, but maybe I'll get myself some more makeup or something. And then when I'm down a total of 30 pounds I'll get myself some new clothing. I hate that I've been at around 206 for the past 2 months. I feel like I could have been down to 190 by now if I had been strict with myself. But "Regrets are only the past crippling you in the present" so I will move on and look forward to my future accomplishments! :)
I've got to go eat dinner, maybe I'll post a bit more later.
So I took 2 weeks off from MFD because I was going nuts getting on the scale everytime and not seeing any loss. I ate every bad food imaginable... and I only gained 2 pounds. I'm pretty happy with that. So I've gotten back to logging the past few days... and 2 out of 3 of those days I've eaten over 2000 calories. Mind you I'm on a 1200 calorie diet, and I only need about 1800 to maintain. So I guess I need to ease back into the diet thing. Anywho, I've been trying to get into the Beck Diet Solution stuff, and I made a couple of cards tonight, but now I'm stuck. I'm supposed to pick 2 diets, one to try first, and if it doesn't work out something to fall back onto. Now my original first pick was going to be MFD, but then I realized something! I've been wanting to try South Beach Diet, but I've been scared because of the carb-restriction. So I figured I could try the South Beach for like a month and if I don't like it I can go back to MFD. And as I was doing research on reviews for SB, I decided to look up reviews for The Best Life Diet. A lot of the food I already eat has the stamp of aprroval on the side of the container. So it seems pretty cool too, and pretty easy to stick to. SOOO now I'm stuck. I don't know which diet to start with and which one should be my backup diet. I think I've just got to sleep on it. I'm sure by the morning I'll have made my decision.
Man I have to work out! Lately my legs have been hurting, and I think it's from all of the sitting. Blech!
Wow I am not feeling well. I'm just feeling down. I was just looking at my friend's facebook, and I looked through all of her pictures and she looks amazing! When we were kids people thought we were like twins; two chubby little girls. And about two years ago she decided to slim down... and now she really is a vision. I like looking at her pictures because they motivate me to succeeed, so that maybe I'll have amazing pictures of myself someday. But when I feel down like this those pictures make me sad. Because I wish I could accomplish what she already has. I haven't lost anything in weeks! And I've been sticking to the program so far, but I think whats hindering me is the little bite here and there of the bad foods. Like when Aaron drinks his daily can of soda sometimes I'll take a sip, or a bite of his ice cream of whatever. But maybe it is adding up and at the end of the week I've eaten more calories than I should and maybe thats why the numbers on the scale aren't going down. I only worked out for 20 minutes on wednesday, then I didn't work out on thursday and I didn't work out today. What is going on? It's not just with working out... but for the past week I haven't done anything I've needed to do (cleaning up, going shopping, laundry). I've just been in this mode where I don't want to do anything that requires me to get off of my fat butt. I'm hoping its just the lingering effects of TOM. I keep trying to not let myself get down but its been so difficult lately. I've just been thinking of too many things lately. I'm currently reading "The Beck Diet Solution" which tries to change your thinking about dieting so that you can stick with your diet and keep it off for life... but even now I'm just not motivated enough to read it. I just want to sleep all of the time... but I know that all of this sleeping isn't helping me solve my problems. I've got to stop running from them and face them and get everything in order. I wish I was back at school... I never thought I would say that... but it made me feel productive.. and I felt like I was actually living my life... surrounded by people my age. I have no friends. When did I lose all of my friends? I'm turning 21 in April and I have no friends to go out with. I just want to go to the city (Manhattan) and eat a really great restaurant and have a few drinks with dinner. But even that makes me cringe because I'll be going over my calories and drinking alcohol. I really don't seem to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day... oh I hope.
Yes folks... I pigged out on Chinese food tonight. I logged it in at about 1000 calories, and I hope that was enough. I worked out to burn some of it out, and I didn't have a snack at all this evening (which I normally do after workout and before bed). I also didn't drink all of my water today, and I didn't take my vitamins! But I don't think today was an utter failure because I did work out.
I'm eager to take the "20 pounds down" picture, but I haven't gotten there yet. Hopefully I will get there by the end of Feb. Who knows?
Today was a much better day; yesterday I was all moody, and hungry and sad. Today I was determined to work out and eat right. I ended up burning about 430 calories during a 65 minute session of DVDs. And when I logged it all in I still needed to eat 750(!) calories back! So I just had a bowl of soup with cheese, and I'm going to have some cashews and then maybe a fat-free 100 cal pudding snack with some cool whip lite. And I think that should bring me up to a reasonable range. I still have to finish this big glass of water I'm drinking and then drink about 8 more oz before I go to bed to meet my 90 oz daily goal.
My knee has been killing me the past few days and I think maybe it's because of the Tae Bo. I think I've been kicking my leg too hard without trying to control the movement, and so my knee is complaining. Thats why I only got 65 mins done tonight, I was planning on 100 mins. I've got toake it easy over the next few days and make sure to pay attention to how I'm swinging my legs.
Today's WI was not a happy one. I'm 205.5! Up 2.5 pounds. I expect that it's due partially to TOM, but who knows? I totally pigged out a few days ago (and didn't log it). And I've been working out quite hard lately, so maybe a tiny amount of it is muscle? Bleh! Well I'm sure Wednesday's WI will be much more pleasant. I've got to start shedding some of these pounds! April is around the corner! And then the summer! I want to be able to look pretty good this summer, even if I can't wear a bathing suit comfortably, but I want to be able to wear capri's and maybe even sleeveless shirts! Well I'm hopeful now, which is good!
Have a wonderful day!
Roxy
P.S. Worked out 6 times this week; 4hr 24 min, and 1785 calories, thats 255% over my Polar Fitness goal. Awesome!
Didn't post yesterday because it was a bad night! I was so hungry after dinner that I ended up pigging out on wine, blue cheese, crackers and guava paste with Aaron. Then we did 4 rounds of tequila shots. So bascially I went over my calories by a million! Aaron ended up being sick. And I was so drunk I got all emotional over something stupid, it must be TOM. Then we went to bed. This morning I was just so disappointed in myself. And I had a headache for most of the morning. Today was a little better. I've over by 400 calories right now, but I'm going to exercise in a few minutes and I'm guaranteed to burn at least 350 calories.
I'm feeling a little down, and I know it's because of TOM. I always get this way. All I want to do during TOM is eat fatty foods and cry. Terrible time. I'm still trying to get all of my water in, I've still got 32 oz for today left. And my asthma has been so bad the past few days that I'm not exactly looking forward to working out tonight.
My life seems to be one big mess right now. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm just floating around with no control over my situation. I know that it isn't true, but sometimes I just feel lost. I feel like I've just be half-assing my eating the past few days. I seem to be perpetually over my calories. And there is some part of me thats tired of thinking about calories. I think thats the part of me thats becoming bitter about the number on the scale. This past week I've been weighing myself every morning first thing, and sometimes several times a day. But yesterday I decided that I think its starting to drive me crazy, so I didn't step on the scale once today. Tomorrow is official weigh in day, so we'll see what happens. I'll be really excited to lose anything at this point, even half of a pound. I just can't wait until I'm out of the 200's. I feel like I'm not losing weight quick enough. MFD's estimation on how quick the weight would come off isn't accurate.. and it pisses me off. And I know all that mumbo-jumbo about muscle weighing more than fat, but I haven't worked out enough to be gaining pounds of muscle to equal the pounds of fat I'm supposedly losing. I guess I'm just having an uninspired past couple of days. I'm currently searching for some new workout dvds so that I can get more cardio done. I'm curious about The FIRM. Looks good. Anyone used it?
Oh well, I'm tired and I've gotta go burn off all of those dinner calories.
Okay so last night I had all of these great things to write about and now that I actually have the time to write I'm drawing a blank.
I didn't get much done today according to my "To Do" list, but I was busy all day. Got up early, made breakfast, worked out, made a quick run to the grocery store, helped Aaron make lunch, surfed on the net for a bit, made dinner, cleaned up, and worked out again. I didn't give myself the manicure and pedicure that I've been wanting to do. Didn't organize the stuff in my room, or do laundry, or reading. But all in all it was a very good day.
