This morning I woke up from a dream about a guy I used to have feelings for. I knew him for a few months. He seemed interested, but then it seemed like something had changed, and communication had stopped. I asked my current bf if he thought it might have been because I was overweight, and he said that it was a strong possibility. He says that most guys are very superficial, as he was in the early stages of our relationship. And thinking about the fact that this guy actually might have disappeared because he thought I looked like a whale just killed me. I just got all emotional and started to cry. I've been thinking a lot lately how much my weight has affected my life so far. And I can see so many times where I've given up on things too quickly, or not even tried at all. And I just keep thinking of how different my life could have been if I had started on this path earlier. I think my first attempts at “dieting” occurred when I was about 10. So it's been 11 years now, and I'm doing it for the first time with some confidence.
TOM is a day or two away, and boy can I tell! I'm currently the most sensitive woman on the earth. I got to thinking about my current job search, the crazy relationship I have with my mom, the lack of friends in my life, and the fact that I'm broke and uncertain about my future. And, of course, I cried again. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed about what direction my life is taking. I feel like I can't make any decisions outside of the weightloss area. But I just found a few jobs on Monster.com that I'm going to apply for. Hopefully I hear back from them soon.
Today's Lower Body Workout was good. I didn't push myself as hard as I should have, but thats just because I was trying to figure out the weight amounts. Anyway, eating went well today. Except for the fact that I skipped a meal, didn't have time to eat. I'm happy with the program so far, but I'm sure that when the going gets tough I'll be able to stick with it. I love that I have cooked cubed chicken in my fridge. I just grab a handful and add a carb. I cooked brown rice, barley and whole wheat pasta too, so its a snap to get a meal together. I just add some vegetables, a few fresh herbs and 16 oz of water.
Anyway, I've got a lot to do still and bed time approaches. Have a great Thursday.
Today I didn't want to wake up! 8AM is super early for me (I'm a night owl). And when I finally tried to get out of bed my upper body was sooo sore! But with a little encouragement from the bf I got up and stretched out a little, which helped. Then we made our way to the gym and I did 20 minutes on the elliptical. I was really excited to see how much I could push myself. I did better that I thought I could, and my heart rate monitor told me I burned nearly 240 calories. I was happy about that, because I've tried burning 200 calories in 20 minutes and I feel totally beat by the end of it. The elliptical really allowed me to work hard without feeling like my body was going to fall apart. I find that the treadmill makes my body hurt, so I'm happy I've found a low impact way of getting my aerobics in. I didn't quite reach a 10 at the high point, but I know now how to push myself, and I know I'll hit that 10 on Thursday.
As for eating, I've been really good considering a the midafternoon craving I got for chips! I stuck with the plan for the most part. It was so beautiful outside that the bf and I decided to go sit on the lawn in the backyard. We got in the mood to have some snacks, and so we compromised. I had a few whole grain Sunchips, and a handful of nuts instead of our M3. Then about 2 hours later we went in to make our M4 Shakes and they were terrific! I want to call it a Tiramisu shake. We used some soymilk, whey protein powder, some powdered instant coffee, a little of this coffee flavored syrup mix (kind of like chocolate syrup for milk, but its mocha coffee flavored, so you can make iced coffee), and some ice. It was really fantasic. I think the whey protein makes it froth up a lot because it was sooo creamy. I felt like I was drinking a vanilla milkshake from a diner. And I loved it even more because it tasted like my favorite dessert: Tiramisu!
I really can't believe everything I've been thinking lately. I'm able to really visualize what I'll look like when I lose the weight. I want to be strong, fit and healthy. I look at some after pictures of people on random sites and I don't see any muscle definition! Its very important to me to be able to be toned and well as lean. I don't want to look like a twig! I want some meat on my body! Sexy meat! :D But, on a more serious level, I feel it deep in my bones; I know I'm going to complete this. I know that a few months from now I'm going to look at myself and smile because I'll know that I did it, I pushed myself harder than I ever have, and that I'll be a much better person for doing it. I know that my self-confidence will shoot through the roof, and I'll finally be able to do the things I've dreamed of. I've let too many opportunities go by, I'm ready to take life by the horns. My bf is a wonderful motivation for me, he knows exactly what to say. And today he told me that he never doubted that I could do this, and that he would never give up on me. He said that he would be there until the end to help me along if I ever should stumble. He really is the best, and I'm so happy that he came into my life. He makes me feel so good about myself, where I am now, and where I will be in the future. And he's honest too; he'll tell me things that most people would just avoid. I love him for his honesty. I think about our future, and I can see myself being with him all the way through. No plans of marriage yet, we're still very young, but we do talk about future children and such. I worry sometimes because I feel like I'll jinx myself by talking about things I don't know about. But I figure I'm in control of my life, and things will work out the way that they are supposed to. I still don't have a significant source of spirituality, its something I feel like I've spent my life searching for, but I'm sure it will happen at the right time. I'm just happy that I actually value my life now, and that I'm doing everything possible to change it for the better. I'm proud of myself already.
Go me!
Roxy
P.S. Thanks for all of the support you guys have given me!
P.S. (Again) I set a goal of a loss of 20 pounds by the end of Challenge #1. And about 25 inches down overall. Even if I don't reach these goals, I know that I'm going to have made huge changes to my body, and I'll be happy with that.
So today was pretty good. I got up super early, went to the gym, did my Upper Body Workout. I ate a few small meals as planned. I got some Whey Protein, which I'm really excited about. And then.... came dinner! The bf and I decided to get Chinese because the family has a weekly takeout night. So I thought I'd get shrimp, mixed vegetables and brown rice. So what happened? They got the order wrong and delivered greasy fried rice instead! And I had to wait for them to come back (35 minutes later!) while watching everyone else eat. I was STARVING by the time my food got here. And it is so unlike this Chinese place, but my food was super greasy! And I was so hungry I just couldn't stop myself... I ate too much. So I've decided since my stomach feels really heavy right now (yucky greasy food), I'm not going to have Meal#6. I think I've eaten enough today anyway, plus it's really late anyway. So normally I'd just sit around and beat myself up for screwing up, especially on the first day of a new plan, but I'm not going to do it! I know I messed up, but tomorrow I will do 200% better! And I know that I can count on myself to keep my word.
The weight on the scale this morning was 206.5. And I took measurements too. And oh my! The before pictures I took this morning made me cringe! I've been taking my progress pictures with a good amount of clothing on. But these BFL pictures I'm wearing underwear! And jeez I look like a whale! lol. But I know its okay, because as much as I don't like looking at those pictures I can see the real me under all that fat. And I see that I do have a relatively small waist, and shapely hips, etc. I know that I can look amazing, and its just going to take some dedication, dedication to myself. I'm excited to see the progress!
This morning's work out was nice. I didn't know what I was doing at first, but once I got the hang of it I felt like I was where I belonged. It's a great feeling. And I can't believe that my biceps are already sore! It usually takes a day or two before I can feel the soreness, but I know I pushed my biceps super hard today. Tomorrow I'm going to kick ass on the elliptical. :D
I was thinking of posting my food for today, but I don't know if its a waste of time seeing how I have it written down in like 3 other places. But if anyone is curious about the eating plan, let me know and I'll post them.
So the bf and I went to the local gym today. Its very nice. Large, lots of machines, fitness classes, spinning, etc. So I decided that I wanted to join, but the bf had to talk to his mom first. He called and she gave him shit because she thinks that we're not going to stick with it. And I said "Fuck it", and joined on my own. Then he finally convinced her to let him join. I got really pissed off because I don't think that she should be able to tell us what to do. And I don't need another fucking person doubting me. I doubt myself enough, and now I'm going to put that to an end. I'm going to work harder that I ever have, and I'm going to complete those 12 weeks even if it kills me, and I'm going to learn to love myself and my body, and no one is going to stop me. I'll show her and every one else who has ever doubted me that I am a strong person, and that I DO have control over my body and my life. I just can't stand when people stick their noses in my life! If I wanted you to know I'd tell you! I just drives me crazy. But this is the point where my life really is going to change. I'm tired of being obese. I want to be healthy, no diabetes, no heart disease, none of those things. I want to be around long enough to have kids and watch them grow up, and watch their kids grow up. I'm tired of hiding behind layers of fat and baggy clothing. I'm tired of hating myself. I know somewhere deep down I do love myself. I feel it sometimes. And I don't want to give my mind any reason to hate myself. I'm a smart girl, and even though I have trouble taking control of my life, I know this will change. All of my life I haven't lived. And now I will begin to enjoy my life with both the good and the bad. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm happy that I've come to this point. From now on I'm going to invest in myself, spend more time with myself, and make my life worth living. I'm going to make it afterall. No one is going to come rescue me, no one but myself. And now I understand that I can only find peace and happiness within myself.
So, I've been thinking that maybe I need a more structured eating plan. I've been watching the progress of a fellow EP-er, and I have to say that I'm very impressed with her photos. Since shes been following Body-For-Life, I decided to check it out. It seems pretty do-able. I'm a fan of the 6 small meals, but its the exercise that I think it going to kick me in the butt. My bf said he'd do the 12 week challenge with me, and we talked about cooking big batches of food ahead of time so that we could just heat them up. Its nice to have a fitness buddy along with me. And well, I want to slim down. I've been obsessed with losing weight, but the scale just isn't budging. Anyway, we agreed to go to Barnes and Noble and check out the Body-For-Life series tomorrow. I have to say I'm pretty excited. If I get started ASAP, then I'd be finishing my first challenge in July, and the second in October. And I'm planning on starting school in January, so I'd be feeling pretty good if I'd actually lose some weight by then. I'm happy that my bf wants to join in because I know that we'll be a hot couple. :D
I think I'll post a pic of us.
Anyway, I hope we can stick with it... scratch that, I know we can!
...from the scale! Its driving me crazy that every time I step on the scale I'm disappointed. So, I'm not going to weigh myself for two whole weeks. And two weeks from now is my Birthday, so I'll be able to see if I made my Birthday goal, which I probably won't, but the closer I get the better. I'm wondering if I'm gonna take those Me days I was talking about earlier last week. I don't know. It was a nice idea, but I don't know if it'll work out since I have meetings with people every other day. Don't know. I wan't to get fit! And balanced! I hope I can get there by the end of 2008. I'll update more tomorrow.
The scale read 210 this morning. I was expecting it to be high, but I was kinda shocked. I know I haven't been eating the way I should have been, but I don't think I've actually been bingeing. I've been eating worse than I should be, but I really could have done more damage. I was home this weekend and thats never good for eating right. My mom hates to cook so we eat out a lot, or order out. This makes me overeat because when I'm eating "special" food makes me feel like I'm allowed to eat till my pants feel like they're cutting into my waist. It wasn't too bad of a weekend because I didn't stuff my face at all. I just ate a little more than I needed to.
I just feel really bad because I feel like I'm completely failing at my "diet". I feel like I'm wasting precious time, time that I could be losing weight. I feel like I'm going to regret it in the future. I need to get to a better place with the whole food thing. I feel so tired though. I don't know what to do.
I got this book called "Shrink Yourself". It's "the terapists guide to losing weight". It bascially helps you to stop emotional eating by overcoming powerlessness. I hope it's going to help. I'm in a phase of my life where I'm trying to do a lot of healing. I'm going to Pranic Healing sessions where I'm trying to get rid of my allergies and asthma, as well as back pain. I'm trying to do some soul searching so that I can overcome some emotional obstacles that I've had all of my life. I think these emotional issues are what helped me get as heavy as I now am. So this is "Me-Time" in my life. I am currently looking for a job though, I'm broke! Anyway, as long as I make the intent to better myself I know the universe will send me all that I need to accomplish it.
I weighed in at 205.5 this morning... still. I was hoping once I emptied the "tank" I would weigh a little less. I was a bit disappointed. But, I know that it will slowly come back down. I really hope I can make the mini-goal of 199 by my birthday on April 23. We'll see.
I did work out today though. I did a The FIRM DVD. I did it without weights since it was my first time, but it really does seem to kick your butt. Especially if you add 3 pound weights. Whew... But I was happy with burning 300 calories in 40 mins. It's kinda weird that I'm not really counting calories anymore, because now that doesn't really apply to how much food I'll be eating. Eating has become something different to me since paying attention to my body. I find that I'm only eating when I really need to. I like it.
In other parts of my life I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I've decided to take 2 days next week where I'll be a total hermit. I'm going to try to be by myself as much as possible. I'm not even going to sleep in Aaron's room. I plan on doing a good amount of meditation, thinking, journaling, reading and relaxing. I need to get some things sorted, and I really want to know what I want out of my life. I hope I can actually stick with it. I'm already wondering how I'm going to see Aaron and not even spend time with him. I'll miss our morning coffee and "check-in" time. But I'm doing this for me. I'm excited about it. But we'll see how strict I'll actually make it.
So maybe I jinxed myself... I weighed in at 205.5 this morning. I was very unhappy about that. But, I did a lot of drinking last night, along with a lot of eating. Tuesdays seem to be bad days for me. Don't know whats up with that though. I don't think I'll be down to 199 by my birthday. Oh well, we'll see.
So I wake up, and as always after the bathroom I head straight to the scale, which I keep in my kitchen. I step on it expecting to see 203ish. And the scale reads 197. I was so shocked I almost fell off the damn thing. I tried a few more times and still the same numbers. Then my boyfriend got on and he was significantly less weight too. So I figured that the battery must be dying. I switched them out, and I got the same reading. Frustrated I stormed off. But the boyfriend tried one last time, and it gave him a pretty accurate reading. He called me over, and my official weight this morning is 202.5. Thats a lot of weight that I've lost this week. I mean WI on Wed I was 204. I think 1.5 pounds in about 3 days is waaaaaay too much to be losing. I want to be at about 2 pounds by the end of the week (my goal is 1-2 pounds per week), but I don't want to be at 3 pounds by the end of the week because that will scare me. I remember when losing 5 pounds in a week of a diet made me feel really happy. But now I'm so paranoid that I'm burning muscle instead of fat. I really don't want that. I'm okay with losing 5 pounds during the first week of a diet or so because of the water weight I tend to carry around.
With this new program I'm pretty happy. I still have the voice in my head thats telling me I should be eating tons more vegetables, but I think I'm doing pretty good (taking my vitamins, getting my fiber in, staying away from really fatty foods). I know that I'm "allowed" to eat anything I want, but I just don't like the way my body feels after really greasy foods. I mean I had McDonald's this past week and I was amazwed. I usually get the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal (medium fries and drink), and then I get a 4 piece Chicken McNuggets or something on the side. This time me and the boyfriend went I only ordered a Cheeseburger and a six piece Chicken McNuggets. And we ordered a small fries to share. We also brought our own big jug of water. So we sat with our food and ate very slowly, and what did I actually eat? 3 Chicken McNuggets and half of my Cheese burger with half of the small fries. I was sooo amazed! And I felt perfectly satisfied and full. We really love this new way of eating. He's lost about 4 pounds now (218 to 214). I really think this is going to work out for us. I know we're not exactly eating exceptionally healthy right now, but I know that in time, once we get the junk food out of our systems, we'll be eating as we should. We do get a few servings of vegetables a day (and since we're foodies we really don't mind eating vegetables). The boyfriend's problem is that he has a huge sweet-tooth. But I think he's been really good about not going nuts with the leftover easter candy.
As for life outside weight loss, I've been pretty stressed out. Since coming back from Florida (where I quit my job and then came to live in NJ with the boyfriend) I've been feeling that I need to do something with myself. I don't have a job right now, and I'm currently looking for one. I need to start paying back my student loans in a few months. Now I'm actually thinking that I want to go back to school. I only got an associates degree at my culinary school, and now that I've decided that I don't want to cook professionally I think I'm going to persue creative writing or psychology. I think I want to be a teacher because they have great health benefits, weekends off, summers off and a fairly steady schedule. The question is: What kind of teacher do I want to be? I like math, so I thought I'd maybe go into that, but then maybe I can become a school psychologist and still get the same benefits, or maybe become an english teacher so that I can still major in creative writing? Not really sure at all. But hopefully I'll figure it out soon. Anywho, thats all for now. I've go to run!
I was happy about that, because I've tried burning 200 calories in 20 minutes and I feel totally beat by the end of it. The elliptical really allowed me to work hard without feeling like my body was going to fall apart. I find that the treadmill makes my body hurt, so I'm happy I've found a low impact way of getting my aerobics in. I didn't quite reach a 10 at the high point, but I know now how to push myself, and I know I'll hit that 10 on Thursday.
