So if you've ever looked at some of the photos of Bill Phillips, maybe you haven't noticed anything pretty funny. But from the first time my boyfriend, Aaron, saw dear ol' Bill, he can't stop laughing. In Bill's photos in the Success Journal, Aaron thinks "he looks like he wants to eat your babies." I bring this up because today we headed over to Barnes & Noble to pick up the "Eating For Life" book (we needed some ideas, because we feel that the BFL book is extremely vauge on what we can or cannot eat). And on the back inside cover there's Bill, in all of his glory. He's wearing these sexy jeans and his body looks amazing, I think he should be an underwear model or something. Anywho, so Aaron looks at the picture and laughs a little, which makes me totally have a laughing fit because there's Bill's face with the whole "I'm gonna eat your babies!" expression. I know, I think we're crazy for even seeing that in his face, but we do think its funny.
As for the eating and exercising today was great. I did skip a meal and have a Skim Caramel something from Starbucks while were were at B&N, and yes, I know I should have ordered the sugar-free stuff, but I didn't. And I didn't feel terribly guilty, so thats okay with me. I actually completed all of my mindset exercises, which included some meditation. And I've already planned my meals for tomorrow. I'm really glad that I'm getting back on track with the whole planning thing. Tomorrow is cardio day, and I'm currently in the process of sync-ing my iPod, and creating a new playlist for cardio days. I really need to get some new music.
On a very delicious, but not so good for me note; the fair is in town! And I really just want to run over there and eat all of the yummy fried food! It hurts so bad! Now, the fair is in town until Sunday, which is cool because its my free day. But I'm going home on Sunday! Which means no yum yums for me! I was talking to Aaron about it, and he thinks we should just bump our free day up a day or two so that we can go to the fair before we go home on Sunday. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that... but I'll think about it. It just makes me feel like a bad person to bend the rules! OH, and another thing... I snuck in a quick WI today while I was at the gym. And according to their scale I'm up two pounds since my last WI on my scale on Thursday. I'm surprised how easliy I shrugged it off, normally I'd be freaking out. I know I must be building muscle because I feel sooo much stronger already. I have to say, I'm almost excited about the end of the four weeks, because that means that on Sunday I'll be taking progess pictures and measurements. I know I don't look like I've lost a ton of weight or anything, but I feel the tinest bit slimmer, especially in my thighs. But, we'll see. I'm just a bit nervous because I feel like I'm going to have lost ZERO. But, I can be realistically hopeful. Anywho, I'm very tired... its been another long day with a lot of running around. Have a good one, and don't let Bill eat your babies.
Today was a better day for sure. I got all of my meals in, and they were healthy. Did some food shopping in the evening, and I got some yummy veggies, some brown rice, and some agave. I really like the agave, its like honey, but thinner, and there's no weird after-taste. The elliptical this morning was pretty good, didn't quite reach a ten today, my legs were so tired from last night's lower body workout. Its been a long day, and I'm exhausted. Gonna hit the hay. Have a good one guys.
This weekend was bad, but it could have been worse. Friday night I drank waaay too much, and ate brats. Saturday I ate everything in sight. We had a little meats and cheese platter that we made for the festivities, and I totally ate a million grams of saturated fat. Sunday was the free day, and I had a wondeful time. I even got some ice cream: Yum! And as for today, it didn't start off too bad, but I'm not doing so well. Breakfast was turkey sausage and some roasted potatoes. Then a muffin with some coffee. Lunch was at a chinese buffet. I did eat some fried stuff, and some pork, but I mostly stuck with the seafood and veggies. Ate too much though. And I haven't eaten since. We're thinking of eating dinner after the gym tonight. And as for the workouts, well, I burned a lot of calories this weekend. Did upper body on Friday morning. Went jogging on the beach on Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon we went on a 2.5 hour hike. Not much elevation, but I was really tired by the end of it. Then on Sunday we did some brisk walking for about .5 hour on the boardwalk. Believe me I was not happy about all of the walking we did, but it was part of the weekend plan. Ocean city is really nice. Right by the beach, quiet, and we do quite a bit of partying, eating, and walking. Aaron and his family do it twice a year, and this is my second time going with them. I really do love getting away for the weekend. They rent this cute little beach house from their friend. So the weekend could have been worse, but I did get a lot of physical activity in, so I do hope it balanced out. Now that we're back home I feel huge! I'm really happy to be getting back to the plan. I feel terrible that I haven't written in the success journal in about 4 days. But I know that tomorrow I'm back to doing everything the right way again. I keep trying to think of myself and how different I'll look, and how great I'll feel, and that keeps me feeling that I am doing the right thing by sacrificing now for the rewards in the future. This Sunday is the 4 week mark, which means I'll be taking measurements and pictures. I don't really think that I'll see much of a difference, but I'm still hopeful.
I've got so much going on right now. I'm thinking about becoming a "certified" bartender. I mean I went to culinary school, so I know the deal, but I don't want to be in a kitchen. And I'll be able to go to school during the day and work at night and weekends. I'm only looking for part-time work, but I do need enough money to pay for tuition. And as for the whole "certified" thing, I'll have to pay $400 to take a couple of classes and get this certificate from the "New Jersey Bartending Association". And they have lifetime job placement, not that I'll need it for my whole life. But I'll be able to make more money because I'll be able to work in better places. So maybe it'll be worth it. Aaron is pretty excited, he wants to do it. And as for school I'm thinking about majoring in Creative Writing. There are a couple of schools near me that offer it, and I figure I can minor in Education, and become an english teacher. I'll have a "day job" with great benefits (medical and dental!), decent pay, a steady schedule, nights and weekends off, and paid summer vacation! My mom is a teacher, so I have a pretty good idea of what its all about. And I used to love helping her grade test papers and homework! Yeah, I'm crazy. Anyway, I still don't know if thats actually what I really want to do, but its a good idea. I missed the deadline to start in August, so I'll have to wait until January, but I figure it will give me enough time to save up a little bit. We'll see how things go, but I'm sure it will all work out just fine.
Sorry I've been MIA. Things have been super crazy. I haven't been planning out all of my meals, and I haven't been doing all of the power mindset exercises. Very disappointed in myself. But I am proud that I have been sticking with all of my workouts, and pushing superhard! I've just been a mess lately. Today was a terribly long day, and I am exhausted. Tomorrow I'm going away for the weekend, so I spent the day cleaning, doing laundry, packing, and cooking meals for the trip. I wish I could write more, but I've still got so much to do in the last half hour before bed. I'll be able to get into detail when I get back on Monday.
Day 10: My Birthday went well. Dinner was absolutely fabulous. I obviously didn't eat on plan for that meal, and even had a few glasses of wine with dinner. That morning I did the upper body workout, which I felt great about. Overall a pretty good day.
Day 11: Bad, bad, bad day! Didn't eat on plan at all! I was still at my mother's house, and I even brought good food with me (cooked chicken, yogurt, veggies), but being home just puts me in a bad mindset. I have the worst allergies when I'm home, so exercising was out of the question. It was a pretty crappy day, except for the fact that I had a couple of frozen margaritas in the afternoon (not good for me though!).
Day 12: I got mostly back on plan. My eating was pretty good, but I know I could have done better. We did our lower body workout in the late evening, and I pushed myself super hard on hammies, and calves. But I slacked on quads and abs. I'm having some trouble finding good quad exercises because my left knee has not been happy lately. It started a few months ago even before I started working out, and so far it doesn't hurt any more or any less, but I don't want to injure it. Anyway, it felt great to get back to exercising! I can't believe it, but I really do feel a million times better on days that I exercise. All in all, pretty good day.
Day 13: Yesterday wasn't the greatest day. Got up early (even though I wanted to cry when I got out of bed) and kicked but on the elliptical. I pushed harder than I ever had! It burned so good. I really loved it. So weird for me, but its great. Eating was not very good at all. I stayed on plan all day then came "Chip-time". This is the time on Saturday afternoons where the family all gets together and we sit around out in the backyard sipping on some beers, and munching on chips, veggies, and dip. Its a family tradition of Aaron's, and I actually enjoy it very, very much. But it is sooo hard to eat well during that time. So I buy sunchips, and baked whole grain pita chips. I also load up on extra veggies, and a little bit of light ranch dip. I usually only have one beer, and one mixed drink. Everything is going well in the begining, but all of a sudden "gremlin-Roxy" takes over, and when that happens its like I can't stop eating. Last week during chip-time I did pretty well, but this week... I stuffed my face. And then comes dinner, and I stuffed my face again. I was so full from all of the food and drink that I ended up falling asleep on the couch after dinner. And that was the end of my day. No bueno.
Free Day: Today I didn't really want to take the free day. Aaron and I were thinking of doing the elliptical this morning to makeup for the one we missed on Day 11. But we decided that if we didn't have this free day today, maybe it would hurt us by the end of this week (ie: we'd eat off plan, or skip a workout). So we decided that we would indeed take this free day. So this morning I woke up completely refreshed at 9am (probably because I fell asleep around 9 pm last night). I decided that I wanted to have the fattest breakfast ever. I had eggs, bacon, homemade french fries, and half of a banana-nut muffin. The bacon was super greasy and disgusting. After breakfast I felt like a total pig. I felt really gross (you know that feeling that you've eaten way too much greasy food). And I sat with myself and said "So this is what you want? You want that greasy feeling inside? You want to feel like a total fatty?" And I heard myself respond "No, I hate feeling like this. I need to make better choices for my free day". And that was decided. Yes I'm going to eat what I want, but I have to realize that I've changed the past few months. Before I could eat greasy food and feel perfectly fine, but since cutting back on all that since December, it just doesn't make me feel good anymore. I want my free day to be about eating what I want, but still feeling good, not like I'm going to have a heart attack when I get up from the table. I'm glad something is changing.
I weighed myself this morning first thing. I'm 208.5. Up 2 pounds since last week. I know it could have something to do with the fact that I stuffed my face last night during chip-time and dinner. And also the fact that I already had a free day on day 11. I don't know. I wasn't expecting a huge change on the scale. I figured that maybe I'd be down half a pound to a pound. I was feeling slimmer this week. Maybe it was because it was my birthday and I got dressed all nice, and got a boost of confidence. I do have to admit that I am feeling a little dissapointed. I feel that its too early in the program for me to be messing up. I'm one for instant gratification, and I feel like I'm not making any progress. But I've agreed with myself that the first six weeks of the program will be the hardest because I'm changing old ways, trying to get into the habit of exercising regularly, and because I may not see results. But I know that in the last six weeks is where I'll see the changes begin to take place. I've been getting pretty excited lately because I've been watching these style shows, like "What Not To Wear", and I can't wait to give myself a makeover when all the weight is gone. I fantasize about the new hair style I'll have, and all of the cute little shoes and outfits. And I really can't wait to see what my face will look like. I think I'll still have a round face, but I can't wait to see my jaw line! Haha, I guess I'm feeling a little crazy. Anyway, I'm off to get some stuff at the pet store for Bailey (the new kitty). And then Aaron and I are going to Rita's to get some frozen custard. Yum.
Good day in the BFL department. Reached a 10 on the elliptical, and I didn't miss any meals.
I'm sad. My brand new Kitchen Aid doesn't turn off! I put the swith on the off position, and it still goes 'round and 'round. We emailed them tonight, and I hope they don't ask us to ship it in the original box, because the night I opened it the bf spilled beer on the table and it totally soaked the bottom of the box. I was supposed to make myself some Tiramisu for the birthday celebrations tomorrow, but the problem with the mixer put me off. I figure that I'm already going off plan tomorrow night for the dinner I'm eating. Its a cute little wine bar and restaurant, french-italian-spanish food. Seems appropriate for the 21st Birthday of a Culinary school grad. I'm excited. Anyway, I think I'll make the Tiramisu for the free day on Sunday.
So tomorrow, I'm going back home with the bf for the birthday celebrations. And when we come back to Jersey on Friday afternoon we'll be three instead of two. We're adopting this precious little Persian kitty that my mom took in. FYI: My mom is one of those crazy cat ladies. She has 8 cats right now, and 2 dogs. She feeds about 15 stray cats, which she has captured, fixed, and set free. So she came upon this little Persian (we haven't thought of a name for her yet), and Aaron (the bf) fell in love with her, and my mom agreed to give her to us. She knows the kitty will he happier in a home where there aren't a miilion cats to fight with. We're really excited to bring her home. I don't think I'll be blogging until I get back to Jersey on Friday. So, have a great week!
Today was pretty good, ate relatively well, worked hard on the lower body, and thought a lot about the future me. Thinking about this "new" me makes me feel weird sometimes. Its like I can imagine what my body will look like, but I can't actually imagine controlling this new body, moving in this new body, being in this new body. I almost feel like my security blanket is going to be ripped from my hands. It's sorta scary. And the part of me thats scared makes me feel sad about this transformation. But most of me is totally excited, and it cannot wait until I'm able to wear cute little clothing, and to be able to feel completely comfortable in my body. Its just such a big change... And I find that the deeper that I get into the program, the more I work out, the more I confusion I feel. I'd say 85% of me is thrilled about the whole thing... but the rest is confused, because I will never be the same. Maybe its just the part of me thats resistant to change. Sometimes I wish that I had always been thin.. but then I realize that this has made me who I am. This will be one of the biggest things in my life, and it will make me stronger, and I will have more than those who have been thin their whole life, those who have never walked in my shoes. And I think I'll be a better person for going through this.
I feel like I'm rambling. I'm just feeling so much these days... and I really don't think that it was TOM's fault. I'm just going through some change I suppose. Deep down in my bones I know that this is really it; this is really going to happen for me. I'm going to lose the weight, and I'm going to have a better life because of it. I'm so glad that I'm going to end all of this, and open a new chapter in my life. Heres to the new me.
I guess I've been thinking a lot because this is what I do the week before my birthday. I relfect on the past year, and my entire life. I look at what I've been through, the good and the bad, and I set some goals for the next birthday. I've already decided that I want to be near my goal weight by my 22nd birthday. I'll be able to do it, I know I can. I'm happy that I can now think clearly about my life and the realities of it. I used to be so negative. I could never see the light in the dark. I never saw the beauty that was right in front of my eyes all along. And now I know that I am beautiful just the way I am. It took me so many years to understand this. I no longer judge myself so harshly, because no one can be perfect, and it is that in our imperfections that we are perfect. I am beautiful, and it can only get better from here.
So yesterday (day 6) went fairly well until the evening where I had the worst craving ever for a mini warm delights dessert. I decided to give in, and just eat a healthy breakfast instead on Sunday. Today wa my free day, and I did quite a bit of eating and relaxing. I felt guilty having some Cheez-its and then I decided that it was OKAY because it was my day off, and it wasn't like I ate the whole box or anything. I weighed in today, and I'm still 206.5, which I'm pleased with. I knew that I wouldn't lose anything, and I'm happy that I didn't gain anything. I'm planning on the first 6 weeks without too much change on the scale, but I know that the last six weeks is where I'll really see the results, and I'm okay with that.
My emotions have been totally crazy the last few days, and I want to blame TOM, but I'm not too sure if thats the reason. Yesterday I got upset, and right now I can't even remember what it was about. And as for today my boyfriend and I got into a conversation about a "habit" of his. And that just started me on a downward spiral. I just started thinking of everything I'm dissatisfied with in my life and instead of feeling motivated to change them, all I could do was cry. I got myself so tired I needed a nap. After the nap I felt better and spent the afternoon watching chick-flicks. It was nice. I even gave myself a pedicure. It was nice to have some me time.
I'm still so frustrated about my job search. I've applied to a few of them and I still haven't heard back from these people. And I think its super rude that they don't even call back to say "Sorry I don't want to hire you". They just leave me hanging. Its the worst feeling! Especially when the bills are just piling up. Blehhh...
I've finally decided what I'm going to do for my 21st Birthday in 3 days. I'm gonna go to a Japanese Hibatchi place by my mom's house. I used to go there for a lot of my birthdays as a teenager. And I figure it would be cool to have dinner and show with my friends. AHH! I'm crazy. As I'm writing about my plans all of a sudden I don't think I want to go to the Japanese restaurant now. Wow... I feel like a total mess. I need to take some time to think. But before I go I'll post a pic of me and one of my early Birthday presents. It was from the boyfriend's parents. I've always wanted one of these!
It's a Green Apple Kitchen Aid Artisan Stand Mixer!!!
Woke up late today, but other than that there were no setbacks in my day. The upper body workout kicked my butt! My biceps are going to hurt so bad tomorrow. My eating plan was pretty good except for the fact that I missed one shake-meal because I didn't have time, and I'm just not hungry at all for M6. All in all smooth sailing.
On the other part of my day, I found out some interesting information. I called my mom today to see how things were and she told me that big things were happening. She sounded pretty upset but she said that she couldn't talk to me about it yet. She said she was still figuring things out. But for a second while she told me to hold on I overheard a short conversation between her and one of her neighbors and it sounds like her boyfriend is moving out. I really don't like him one bit, so I'm really happy to be hearing that. Shes been so sad the past few years and I knew that she needed to get rid of him, but as the old saying goes "You can take a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink." I tried helping her get rid of him several times, but eventually I decided to wash my hands of it. And maybe that paid off, because maybe it gave her enough time to sit with her life and really think of what she wants. I love her to death, but I needed to get away from that house. He drove me nuts, and was always to mean to me. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself since she didn't actually tell me that he was leaving or anything, but I'll be home within the week for my birthday and I'll be able to find out whats happening then. My eyes watered when she told me that she missed me. Ever since her boyfriend moved in (about 7 years ago now) my relationship with my mom turned sour. We used to be like best friends, I was really able to tell her anything and she was understanding. And once he stopped being nice it was hell. He never let us spend any time together. And I was always worrying that if I spent too much time with her he would get angry and start fighting with her. So I just learned to avoid confrontations with him, because he is really crazy, I mean it (Over summer vacation last year my mom was staying in the hospital with my brother for a few weeks, and her boyfriend and I got into an argument. I told my mom he was treating me like shit since she wasn't home, and she told him to leave me alone. He ended up breaking my laptop later on that night.) So, I'm hoping that shes really kicking him out, and although I can't be there physically, I'm sending good thoughts to her. I'm not very religious, but I do feel that one can send positive energy to another. So, if any of you have a few seconds to spare, send good vibes to Sandra, my mom. Thanks much!
I did not want to wake up this morning. I actually snoozed for an extra 35 minutes. And when I got to the gym I was super groggy. My hamstrings were sore from the previous days lower body workout. And so were my forearms from doing the seated calf raises on this stupid machine. So I got up on that elliptical and pushed as hard as a I could. And everytime I felt like I wanted to slow down I imaged what my body will look like. I imagined a more defined waist, smooth flat stomach, soft curves, and best of all strong muscles. It kept me going. And I reached that 10 I knew I would. As unhappy I was that I had to get out of bed and actually work out, it changed once my 20 minutes was up. I felt accomplished and glad to be alive. I know these first two weeks are going to be the hardest especially with all of the soreness, but I know that it will get easier with time. And that I can look forward to.
Eating today has been wonderful. Breakfast was filling, my mid morning shake was wonderful, and lunch couldn't have been better. I'm really enjoying all of this. And I look forward to the time when my energy levels soar through the roof. I've always felt like I have so much to do, and never enough time nor energy. And now I find that I do have much more time since waking up earlier to go to the gym. Soon the energy will follow, I know this. I've been skimming the success journal looking at all of these people who have been through what I'm going through right at this moment, and seeing them smiling and beautiful makes me feel good. I know I CAN do this, I know that I'm strong enough, and I know that this will make my life the best that it could be.
I tried on my skinny jeans last night. The barely came up all the way, and there was no possible way I could even come close to buttoning them up. And I took some pictures. One of my 12 week goals is to fit into those pants. But after last nights fitting, I'm wondering if thats an obtainable goal. I know I'm going to lose inches and all, but I'm wondering if maybe I'm reaching too high with those. The saddest thing is that those jeans are the highest size in "normal sized" clothing stores. Which means I do have a long way to go. But once I fit in those jeans I'll know that I've done really well. I used to wear those jeans in freshman year of high school. Back then I knew I was chubby, but I had some self confidence. I didn't feel disgusted when I looked at myself in the mirror. I miss that feeling. I was thinking about clothing today, and all of the outfits I'll be able to fit into! I got so excited I did a happy dance, haha. Thats is truly one of the greatest feelings. And I want to buy sexy shoes! My feet are square right now. They're really short, but really wide, so I need to wear about 2 sizes larger so that the shoes don't kill my feet. I can't wait until I can wear some sexy black little pumps in a pencil skirt with a pretty little blouse. Ahhh! I can't wait! I'm going to give myself a total makeover once I get down to my normal weight range. I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my hair. No ideas yet though.
I really loved it. So weird for me, but its great. Eating was not very good at all. I stayed on plan all day then came "Chip-time". This is the time on Saturday afternoons where the family all gets together and we sit around out in the backyard sipping on some beers, and munching on chips, veggies, and dip. Its a family tradition of Aaron's, and I actually enjoy it very, very much. But it is sooo hard to eat well during that time. So I buy sunchips, and baked whole grain pita chips. I also load up on extra veggies, and a little bit of light ranch dip. I usually only have one beer, and one mixed drink. Everything is going well in the begining, but all of a sudden "gremlin-Roxy" takes over, and when that happens its like I can't stop eating. Last week during chip-time I did pretty well, but this week... I stuffed my face. And then comes dinner, and I stuffed my face again. I was so full from all of the food and drink that I ended up falling asleep on the couch after dinner. And that was the end of my day. No bueno. 
