So... I suck. I've missed like 4 workouts since June started (2 of those were because our gym had a power shortage... but I still could have worked out at home). I've binged at least 2 non-free-day nights on sugary cake snacks and cookies with milk. I've totally gotten off the BFL way of eating (although I'm still eating relatively well). And I'm still doing the BFL workouts, but some days I find myself half-assing it. I know that the reason I've gotten off plan is because I haven't experienced any results on the surface. My fat bulges have not gotten smaller, my clothing still fits tight, and I still feel like a whale. My "Roxy Fund", which is bascially some cash I saved up for when I need to get some new clothing because I thought I was actually going to lose some weight, is still sitting there untouched. Makes me mad. The calorie counting hasn't gone so well because of all of the late night binges. And TOM is in town... my WI on Saturday morning said 213 pounds. I really hope its just the water retention. I started this weightloss journey 7 months ago weighing 217 pounds. And now look where I am. I know that I am healthier inside, and that I am much stronger, I have more muscle than I've ever had in my life... but I'm just so disappointed in myself. I would have thought that I would weigh around 165 (around a 50 pound loss) by this time. I thought I would have been too small for even my skinny jeans. I was hoping that this summer I would be able to atleast go to the beach in shorts (perhaps not a two piece bathing suit or anything) or a sundress.
Anyway, the important thing is that I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, or beating myself up for not being good enough, or motivated enough. I'm ready to recommit, I'm ready to start planning meals again, I'm ready to keep track of my calories even more, I'm ready to keep going, keep making myself healthier and more beautiful. Aaron is leaving for Utah in one week, and I'm ready to make those 2 weeks of independence all about me. Quitters give up, and I am certainly not giving up.
I was thinking of talking to my doctor about something to help get the ball rolling on the weightloss. Maybe I'll ask her about phentermine just for a few months or so. I think once I've lost around 20 pounds I'll be more motivated to keep on going. We'll see how that goes.
So I spent some time thinking today of what I really want out of this whole "exercise and eat right" lifestyle. And well after a few minutes I actually got myself excited again. I returned to the gym this morning with renewed vigor. I pushed my lower body harder than I ever have in this entire 7 weeks. And even though I didn't plan today's meals I've been eating really well. I've done so well that I have over 600 calories for dinner and "dessert'. Aaron is going to make some protein pudding. So, with that said I'm feeling really wonderful. I realized why I actually love going to the gym: Not only does it make me feel powerful, but it makes me feel like I can rely on myself. And my favorite time is right at the end of the workout. I put on some yoga/meditation music on my iPod, and stretch. Its like mini meditation, and my body loves the stretching. I've been having knee pain for the past few months, and after only a couple of weeks stretching it out after every workout it actually doesn't hurt until I push it (like when working quads). I'm very happy with those results. When I'm doing my stretching I feel like nothing can touch me, like no matter how much I dislike my life right now it will all turn out alright. That puts a huge smile on my face. I really hate being negative, but its the way I've always been, and now I'm trying to really change that. So in a way I feel like today I recommited to myself, to making my body stronger as I heal my mind. I've just got to remember these great feelings when I'm having one of those "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE GYM, I JUST WANT TO SIT AROUND AND EAT"-days. I've never stuck with the exercise for so long. May was not the best, but I managed to miss only 7 workouts. May was a really hard month, and some days I just felt like quitting the entire program, but I stuck with it. And June is a fresh start, and I'm totally gonna kick butt.
Confession time. I have not planned any of my meals in the last week. I have not planned or completed any of my mindset exercises. And, this week I missed two workouts. Theres the bad, now for the good. I started logging in my food on Myfooddiary.com again. I've been eating in the 1500 calorie range (with a net calories of about 1200-1300 calories after subtracting workout calories). So, I'm feeling somewhat accomplished in that sense. WI yesterday morning still has me at 210.5 pounds, which is still a bit disappointing, but its better than gaining any weight. Saturdays are really difficult for me. Not only did I skip a workout, but I ate 2,639 calories. We went out for lunch, and for dinner we had ribs, and I had a few drinks. And sundays are the free days, so I don't want to know how much damage I've done so far. I'm slipping. I've just felt so bad about not seeing results... and that just makes it so much harder for me to stick with it. And I know I'm doing this to be healthier, but I really would love to fit into my skinny jeans. I'm not giving up though. Not at all. I'll keep fighting the good fight.
In other areas, I'm feeling pretty anxious these days. Aaron (the bf) and his family are leaving for a two week vacation to Utah in about 3 weeks. I'm staying in the house all alone for two weeks! Even though I've been living in this house for the past few months it still freaks me out to walk through the house in the dark. And the streets are so dark at night... and the house is so big... and it will be just me. And I've got to tend to the garden and take care of the cats, and probably by that point I'll be working, so I'll be getting home to a dark house at like 2 in the morning. I'm really just a chicken. And, of couse I'm gonna miss my honey. And seeing as how I have no friends around here I think I might possibly go crazy. I'm trying to get my cousin to come stay with me but shes a total flake, and I'm sure she'll ditch me at the last second. She says yes when she means no. If I'm not working by then I want to make those two weeks the best of my life. I want to work out, relax, and take care of myself. I want it to basically be a "Roxy Spa". I'm sure that with Aaron gone I'll have a lot more time for myself. And I want to get some tanning done. I've never been one to ever tan on purpose. The only time I got sun as a kid was when we'd go to the beach, or a pool, or a lake. I love the water. And they set up the pool this weekend in the backyard, so I plan to spend plenty of time outside. I also have a long booklist to read. And I love laying out on a blanket on the grass, sipping on some iced tea and reading. Awesome! I think I'm actually excited about this little vacation. Anywho, I've got to go! Plenty of things need to be done.
I can't sleep. But I guess it worked out well because I just finished an episode of "Extreme Makeover" in which this woman who lost 50 pounds gets the finishing touches on her new body (ie: tummy tuck, liposuction, breast lift, etc). And while watching that show I felt this surge of yearning for my new body. I just can't wait to cross the finish line, but I haven't even gotten to a good pace yet. I'm getting ahead of myself. There are just a miilion and one things that I want to accomplish right now, and it's like I want to get these things done but I just don't have the drive. I want my life to be different, but I just can't seem to put in the work needed to change it. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes, and I pretty much force myself to start these changes, and of course I never finish any of it. I really wish I could see a psychologist, because I've got all of these things in my head that are stopping me from actually enjoying my life. I used to see one, but she ended up getting fired... I really liked her though. That was years ago anyway. And I don't currently have medical insurance, so I don't think I could actually afford it now. I always hope that all of those self-help books will give me enough to believe in myself, but it just doesn't send me over the edge. I'm completely amazed that I've been trying to lose weight for nearly 7 months now.. .and yes I've been half-assing it most of the time, but I've been healthier than I've ever been. I know that even if I'm not seeing the change on the outside, I know that my body is becoming healthier and stronger. I just want to see some results on the outside! And of course I'm letting all of my insecurities get in the way of my relationship with my boyfriend in the bedroom. We've been together just about a year now (on June 9th), and for the past 3 months I've been avoiding most sexual contact. It's been making our relationship unstable... and I can't stop blaming my insecurities for screwing everything up. This past week I was able to block out "my critic" voice, and actually enjoy being intimate with my boyfriend, but of course I'm wanting to avoid the bedroom again. And he's wonderful, very willing to please me, and make me feel comfortable, but sometimes it seems like no matter what he does I just cannot relax enough. I'm really trying to fix my self-esteem. I used to be confident about having sex with my boyfriends in the past, but something has changed. I think its about not losing any weight in the past few months. I feel less and less attractive, and I feel more and more like a whale. I feel like I'm holding my breath, like my life cannot actually begin until I lose all of this excess weight, but I know that this isn't true, and I know that I need to enjoy my life today because I may not have a tomorrow. I'm just dealing with so many feelings. I feel like I'm rambling... and I almost don't want to submit this post for viewing, but I will because I'm Me, and thats all I can ever hope to be, just crazy little Roxy.
Okay, so this was the week from hell. I missed THREE (!!!) whole workouts, and I did not plan any meals, nor did I even log the exercises I actually completed. This entire week I just wanted to lay in bed all day doing nothing. And those three days that I didn't workout, even thinking of the gym brought me to tears. I can't really put my finger on what made my week feel so depressing, but I have to say, I didn't completely give up on BFL. Although I didn't plan meals, and I didn't eat 6 meals per day, any meal that I did eat was in the BFL style. I kept to lean proteins, brown rice, and tons of veggies. My portions were larger than they were supposed to be, but I figured that it was the best I could do at that moment (instead of eating fried chicken like I wanted to). All in all not the my best week on BFL.
I was feeling pretty down about my progress so far. I'm still 210.5 pounds. It drives me nuts because earlier in February I got down to 203 pounds by following a 1200 calorie diet. It was difficult, but I was eating 6 small meals, and I was eating almost the same foods as BFL. Sometimes I think that maybe I need to get back into calorie counting to make sure I'm not eating way too much. Its so hard for me to get my portions under control. I think I really need to re-evaluate my goals, and my motivation. I have all of these colorful post-its up on my wall in my room near my mirror to encourage me to keep going. And on good days I look at those post-its and smile, but on bad days they make me want to cry.I just feel exhausted. I'm ready to recommit starting tomorrow. I'm half-way through the program, and although I've gained 4 pounds since starting I'm hoping I can shed those 4 plus atleast another 10. I've just got to stay focused. I'm just finding it so hard to be positive. People have told me I look slimmer, but my measurements are still the same, and my clothing still fits the same. I don't know... But all I do know is that I cannot give up. I've got to keep going strong, and I need to be able to have some faith in my body that it will start helping me on this journey. I know that I have a lot going on in my life right now, but life will always be this way, and I need to learn how to deal with it in a positive way. When I'm stressed all I want to do is eat and lay in bed. I need to learn to redirect those feelings, and get them out with exercise. Sometimes it works for me, but I've got to learn how to make it work always. I know that I will never go back to the way I was, there is no doubt in my mind about that, but I need to stick to this religiously. I can make this work, I just need to be persistent and patient.
So guess how many workouts Roxy missed this week? TWO!!! Now, I did end up making up for them. Earlier this week I missed one, and kept going with the schedule by making up the missed workout the next day. This Sunday I'll have to go to the gym to make one of those up. So yesterday I was supposed to be doing cardio, but it got late, and we were tired so we said screw it! So this morning I dragged my butt out of bed at 7:30, ate breakfast, and did a double at the gym! I did upper body first, then cardio. I normally don't eat before the workouts, but I figured if I was going to get through both workouts I needed some food. And I felt wonderful! The workout was awesome. I even had a little time to do some stretching with some meditation music. It was so relaxing. Then I rushed home had another meal, and then went over to the bartending place where I took my 2nd and final class. We were supposed to take the certification examination today, but we ran out of time, and next Saturday they're closed for the holiday. So, I'll have to wait 2 weeks from today to take the exam. Which is good because it will give me more time to study, but it will also take longer to actually get a job, and therefore it will take longer until I have some money in my pocket. But I believe it worked out this way because it was supposed to. I'm fine with that.
I was checking out one of our fellow EPer's blogs, and I ended up leaving a comment which I decided to post here too.
"I'm thinking that when I usually go MIA on my blog it's because I haven't been doing as well as I should be. And I'm wondering if maybe you're in a similar situation at this point. If you are, my advice would be to keep on blogging as often as you can. I find that blogging keeps me in line, to a certain degree. I know that there are people out there who read it, and who are supporting me, even if they don't make themselves known, and I know that if I try not to let myself down, I won't let them down. So I write, even if I've eaten something bad, or skipped a workout (or two), and it makes me feel that even though I'm currently off track I will return to the way I want to be. Writing about it makes it important to me, because otherwise that cookie I ate feels like a distant memory, something that isn't quite real. Writing about it makes it real for me, and makes me aware that there will be consequences. And no I'm not going to totally beat myself up about ONE cookie, but it allows me to acknowlege that I made a mistake and that next time I will make better choices. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that there are people who still check your blog to see if you've updated, and there are people who are hoping that you can succeed along with us, and there are people who are sending you positive energy to get through these tough times. Wishing you the best of luck."
Thank you to all of you who read my blog, give me advice/support, and for keeping me in line. You all have really made a difference in my journey.
This week started out well. I've been eating on plan, and I've even planned all of my meals for the entire week. Yesterday I cooked up a whole bunch of healthy food. And yesterday Aaron and I ended up skipping a workout session, lower body. We agreed to make it up today, and it's nearing midnight and we still haven't been to the gym. Right now I'm feeling particularly rebellious, and all I want to do is skip the gym and head over to the local diner for a delicious bowl of soup, and maybe even a greasy burger. Now, I know I won't actually go the diner, but a girl can dream right? So, I've decided to blog while I wait for my desire to go to the gym to return. Yesterday, aside from all of the cooking, I cleaned the entire house. And I was completely exhausted by the end of it, which is why Aaron and I decided to skip the workout.. And today I spent most of the morning relaxing, and watching some Lifetime movies. Then I finlly peeled myself off the couch and totally cleaned my room (I didn't have enough energy to do it yesterday). So, I finished a few hours ago and I've just been trying to unwind. The remainder of this week is going to be a busy one. Tomorrow I've got to do laundry, and I need to do some errands, and I need to study for my test the next day. On Saturday I have my final bartending class, and my test, if I decide to take it. I have so many drink recipes to memorize, AHH! I hope I can get it all done, because if I don't feel ready then I have to wait until the following Saturday to take the test. And, on Sunday I have to go to a baptism back home, which will take up my whole day. I feel pretty bad because last Sunday I was running around all day, and I felt like I didn't get to enjoy my "free day". And this Sunday will be the same, except for the fact that I actually have to drag my butt to the gym to make up the workout I missed yesterday. So, at this point I can't wait for this week to be over. And over the next two weeks I can look forward to job interviews, the start of school loan payments, and other various bills to pay. Yippee...
Life is just a big mess for me right now. I'm sticking with BFL, but I just feel so tired all of the time, and all I want to do is eat things I know I shouldn't, even when I'm not hungry. I just need a vacation. Hah, I get to go on vacation in my dreams, maybe thats why I love sleep so much. Who knows?
Since starting BFL, I've gained 1.5 pounds, lost 2 inches on my entire body, and my body fat % is exactly the same.
I'm a bit disappointed. But all this means to me is that I haven't been doing as I should. I need to gear up. I need to push myself even more harder than ever at the gym, and I need to plan my meals more carefully. I think my portions have been too large. So, this was just a way to help me get even more on track.
Oh, and I decided not to take a progress picture seeing as how there wasn't any real change in the way I look. Anyway, I'm off to enjoy this wonderful Sunday. Happy Mother's Day!
The past week has been pretty difficult with the whole "Eating-for-Life" thing. I think its because I got a bad start to the week. Monday was a binge-y day, and every day after that has been an uphill battle not to eat the bad yum yums. I am looking forward to tomorrow when I can finally satisfy those crazy "gremlin" voices. And I'm also looking forward to the four-week update. I have noticed a great increase in my strength. And Aaron has told me that I do look a little bit slimmer overall. But I'm worried if tonight's super-large portion of roast beef is going to tip the scales in the wrong direction tomorrow. I knew I should have only had 2 slices (they were really thick slices, probably weighing in at 2 ounces per slice), but I had three slices. The good thing was that I was fighting with myself because a huge part of me wanted another slice, the last slice. So I sat there and pouted, and felt sorry for myself, and then I thought about my Body-for-Life. And that gave me enough strength to say "NO!" to the last piece of meat. Now I'm battling another demon, the one that wants to have these little ice cream dumpling type things. And a voice of mine keeps saying, "Oh, but you'll only have one, it won't be a big deal!". But I know that if I wait it out until tomorrow that it will taste that much sweeter in knowing that I won that battle.
Anyway, I'm going home tomorrow. I'll get to see my mom for Mother's Day, and I have to take this ridiculous class to become my nephew's God-mother. I really don't believe in the whole "Christian God" thing, but I do love my cousin, and I do love her son, and she wants me to do it, so I will. I've got to go get ready for tomorrow. I'll post the update on my measurements tomorrow morning. I hope it'll be good!
So I went to the fair tonight. Had deep fried oreos. OMG, they were awesome. Totally greasy, and totally delicious. They were so good I almost don't regret it. Other than that today was okay. Skipped a few meals because I ended up sleeping in till noon. And I ate before going to the gym, which was kind of weird, but I did seem to sweat a lot more. Perhaps I was well hydrated.
I combed through the book just looking at before-and-after pictures. Some of them are so inspiring. I can't wait to be able to have my own pictures. I'm still feeling a little nervous for the four-week progress update. I'm wondering if I'm going to actually meet my goals for the first challenege. I'm hoping that I can reach my overall goals in 3 challenges, but I'm not feeling so sure these days. I guess I wouldn't mind doing 4 challenges because this is body-for-LIFE, and eating-for-LIFE, so I'd be doing it anyway. BTW I loved your comments on my "Bill Eats Babies" post. Gave me a real good laugh.
