Smile

Update

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 22:05:23

Hey guys. Things have been crazy lately, and well, I haven't been trying to lose weight. My weight has pretty much stayed the same, somewhere in the range of 228-232. I'm considering some new things, perhaps Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. I've been working so much I really don't have any time for myself, let alone time to cook. So, I've been eating a lot of fast food and take out. I think I'm going to look for a new job. Anyway, I'll be updating soon.

Check my videos out: http://www.youtube.com/user/poisonusoblivion
Comments(0)

I'm Kidding Myself

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:07:21

So, I wrote out an elaborate update as to what has been going on in my life recently. From moving to fights with my mother and onto my weight. But, I was interrupted and decided to save the entry as a draft... BIG MISTAKE. It seems as though existence had eaten my post. And, now here I go again. A quick recap: I moved in with my mom. Its been crappy because we've been fighting like rabid alley cats. Her boyfriend is moving back in this weekend and along with him three dogs, which I'm allergic to. I applied to some colleges, and for a job at a steakhouse. Still waiting to hear back. I'm really struggling with the lack of cash, I don't have enough to pay my student loan this month, and my mom isn't even the slightest bit inclined to help me (since she's angry with me). She doesn't seem to like my boyfriend because he's into the whole meditation thing, which in her opinion is "dangerous. How is he going to make it in the world when all he wants to do is meditate? He needs to be in this reality"... blah, blah, blah. She is just extremely closed minded, which you can expect from a Roman Catholic. Last night I had an amazing experience meditating. It felt as if a thousand tiny electric blue fingers where tickling the inside of my skin. And after a good cry, I laughed for no reason and questioned my sanity for just a second. I wrote a little note to my future self about staying positive and being open to all of the possibilities in this world. And just when I touched on the subject of weight is when I lost the post. My current weight is a new high: 229.5. After expressing my desire to get down to a healthy and comfortable weight, he convinced me that by meditating I will obtain a more centered sense of self, and that I will learn to accept and love myself, and also find joy in everything I do. And that in turn I will also break my dependency on food, that I won't need food to fill that horrible void in my soul. So, I'm trying to look at things in a different light. As for the juicing and fasting... well, the whole thing pretty much fell apart with the moving. I left the old juicer I borrowed from the bf's mom in Jersey because I was planning on getting myself a much more modern one with a larger mouth (In needed to cut everything up into little pieces in order for it to fit in the older juicer). But, since I'm strapped for cash it doesn't look like I'll be able to get myself one until at least my 2nd paycheck. I just need to be more aware of my eating. I've noticed that I've been eating even when I'm not hungry, and way past the point of being full. I need to be patient with myself. I seem to think I will fail, so I give up quickly.

Anyway, I saw this program called "What the bleep do we know?". You can look it up on youtube.com. Its really long, but it really is amazing. It talks about quantum physics and what our reality really is. There is this part that talks about thoughts and emotions, and it really hit home for me. It even brought tears to my eyes. I really recommend that people who are interested in life's questions (such as the meaning of life) to view it. Its like 16 parts which are each 10 minutes long, but, it is really really marvelous.

I'm exhausted. I'll be interested in checking up on other's blogs. I hope things have been well for all.
Comments(2)

Life is one HUGE Cosmic Joke

Friday, December 7, 2007 21:01:16

So, yesterday I posted about how my moving situatiion was a mess and how I've decided to wait it out. And guess what happened? Last night I spoke to my mother and she gave me the green light on going to live with her. She says that if I move in then her ex-boyfriend won't come back, which makes me happy for the both of us. And she even offered to help me pay for school if I started in January. And Aaron is glad to me moving out of this place too, his mom is driving us crazy. Surprisingly he seems somewhat excited about going back to school as well. So all of this happened last night, right before I went to bed. And today Aaron and I have a meeting with his mom (she likes to have weekly meetings with us because she thinks we suck at communicating.. bullshit) and now I have to tell her that we're moving out in the next week. Now, Aaron's mom is the type of person that needs a 3 month notice on any major changes in our lives. She freaks out anytime we decide something without telling her about the "process". So, I know that I'm walking into a deathtrap this afternoon when we go tell her about moving out. Deep down I think she will be really pleased, I think she has grown tired of us. And she is such an angry person that Aaron is positive that she actually hates both of us at this point. She said a few days ago, when she decided to have a volcanic eruption of rage, that she wanted us out of her hair... she's gettting what she wanted afterall. So, I think this whole situation really shows me how I need to just let things fall into place instead of stressing myself out by trying to plan everything. I expect the next week to be hell, but I know I'll be able to make it out alive.

This morning I just jumped on the scale for no particular reason and discovered that I weighed 221.5. So, I think this vegan thing is really cleaning me out, if you know what I mean. My BMs have been upwards of 3 times per day! I've never been so regular. I do feel exeptionally "empty" and light. Which puts a smile on my face. Juicing is really making me feel wonderful. I'm enjoying this. And I hardly have cravings for meat.

GO FRUITS AND VEGGIES!

Comments(2)

All I Can Do Is Sigh

Friday, December 7, 2007 21:00:10

So, it seems that this past week I've reached all-time highs in my weight. 226 and 223. I knew I would gain some weight since we were going on vacation for a week, but I didn't think I'd gain 6 pounds. No biggie, I guess.

My moving situation is a huge mess right now and I'm confused as ever what to do about it. So, it looks like I'm just going to wait it out. In the meantime, I've decided to get into juice fasting. Not necessarily for weightloss, but for detoxing. I just feel so sluggish all of the time, I'm sure its because all of the crap I put in my body in the past. Plus, Aaron's mom had an old juicer sitting in one of the closets up in our apartment. I did a great deal of research, and bought a pretty good book on the subject. Aaron and I are planning on a 21 day juice and water fast. One for each year of life. And we plan on it being a very spiritual journey as well. Now to prepare for the fast we're doing 21 days of raw-vegan eating and about 1 juice a day. Which means no more juicy steaks, or macaroni and cheese, or even eggs for breakfast! So I've basically set out to become a rabbit. So far I'm taking it real slow. I've been having fruit for breakfast, then veggie juice, for lunch I've been eating veggies with some sort of carb (rice or couscous), and dinner has been veggies with a light veggie dip (dairy based) and some fruit for dessert. I knew that the first week would be slow for me, but I expect starting on Monday to be eating only raw fruits and veggies with nuts (and small amounts of dried fruit). The reason I'm doing this "Eden Diet" to prepare for the fast is that one will get all of these horrible detox side effects if you just jump into a fast at random. So apparently eating this way for a good amount of time before the fast will spread out the side effects so it doesn't kill you (some people believe it can). Then you fast, and then you go back to eating raw-vegan again for a certain amount of days depending on how long you fasted for. I'll be doing that for a week after the initial fast. Oh, and you have to give yourself enemas every day during the fast to get rid of the caked on crap in your system. I'm not exactly looking forward to that...

As for weight loss, well, apparently I should expect to lose 3-4 pounds on the first few days of the fast, and 1 pound every day after that. I'm not betting on all of it to be permanent anyway, and I expect I'll lose some weight being a raw-vegan. I just want to lose 8 pounds right now. Since I've gained these last few pounds my body seems to be yelling at me. My joints (knees) are complaining whenever I use the stairs, and I get easily winded walking anywhere. I stopped going to the gym a few weeks ago, and I can't seem to get myself to go back seeing how tired I feel all of the time. And I always feel like I'm carrying a bag of wheat on my back... I just feel so heavy.

And things between Aaron and I have been totally crazy. We go from opposite extremes in one day: we're cuddly and lovey, and then I'm so angry with him I want to literally stab him. I think we're hitting the first really rough patch in our relationship, and it's really difficult for me because I don't really have anyone besides him. And I can feel myself growing more and more attached as each day passes. I'm clinging onto him and I know that it will only make him push back that much harder. I just feel so shitty most of the time. I feel like I'm back in high school, when I was so miserable I cried every day and could barely get out of bed to go to school. He says that I feel the same way because that misery never went away, that I've carried it with me always... and I can agree... I have this constant need to eat, and I know what it means, I know that its because I carry this crap around with me all of the time. I just can't seem to let go of my past... of everyone who has hurt me, of everything that didn't turn out the way I had hoped. And I'm scared that I'm losing him too. Its just a big mess.

And I just want to escape into the world of The Sims 2 but my computer has decided to be a bitch. I think I need a new hard drive. Mine is like 5 years old. No bueno. And I would love to play World Of Warcraft too, but I don't have money to be throwing around. So, maybe its time I faced my problems instead of running from them. We'll see what happens.

Comments(2)

Ughhh...

Friday, December 7, 2007 23:00:18

So my WI on Friday was horrible. Yes, TOM is in town, but 220.5?! Thats the most I have ever seen on the scale. I never thought I would get back to the teens of the 200's.. and now look where I am. So since I've decided to stop watching what I eat (with the whole moving thing) I'm trying something else. I tried this program before, but I wasn't very strong. Bascially, when you're hungry eat, eat what you want not what you think you should, eat consciously and enjoy every mouthful, and stop when you think you're full. It's Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin" plan. No calorie counting, no portioning, no measuring. Really simple, and really effective. I'm finding that I'm really eating so much less. The hardest part is not stuffing my face when I'm emotionally "hungry". I'm going away for a week starting on the 16th, so my next WI will be in about 3 weeks. We'll see if I've made any progress. I've been craving pistachio ice cream!!!

Comments(2)

:(

Saturday, December 8, 2007 00:01:21

I have been doing NOTHING for the past week.

NO exercise.

NO eating right.

NO vitamins.

NO water tracking.

NO food logging (for calorie counts).

I've been so stressed out with the possibility of moving in the next few weeks that I've completely disregarded my goals. For the past 6 months I've been living with my boyfriend at his parent's house. We're able to have our own apartment on the 2nd floor which is nice. His family is okay, but his mom drives me a little bonkers sometimes. She's pretty crazy, and although she means well she gets on my nerves. She can be pretty nosey, and sometimes she can be a little nasty. But, so far I've become almost completely used to her. I've been wanting to move out for about 2 months now. But the timing hasn't been right. I wanted to go back home, but I hated my mother's live-in boyfriend. Anyway, he finally moved out about 2 weeks ago, and ever since then I've been wanting to go back. I want to be able to keep my mom strong so that she doesn't ask him to come back because she's lonely. Her boyfriend totally messed up the friendship we used to have when he moved in 6 years ago, he treated her like shit, and he was a total asshole to me. So I haven't been living at home for about the past 2.5 years. And my mom really wants me to come back. My boyfriend says he wouldn't mind living with my mom. And well I don't have a job right now, or enough saved up to get my own place. So, I guess we're going to go live over there. But it still stresses me out because I worry that Aaron's (my boyfriend) mom is going to be really angry about us leaving. I mean we've been living here without paying rent. And she has invested in us... and I worry that she will think that she didn't get anything in return. She's like that. I don't know... I just think that if I have to deal with crazy moms I'd rather it be MY crazy mom. So now I've got to start planning, and possibly packing. Not something I'm looking forward to. But, as crazy as mom is, she's really fun. She loves to be festive, and Aaron is the same way, so I know we'll always be having a good time on the weekends, plus he likes my mom. And she loves to eat, like both Aaron and I. And well... I miss her. And I think she would make an excellent gym buddy. She lost 40 pounds once when I was a kid, and she gained it all back plus more when she stopped going to the gym. And she's been saying lately how she wants to start working out again now that she's on summer vacation (she works in a school).

Bleh!!! I've just had so much on my mind lately that I needed to throw up a blog entry. So much going on... anyway, I'm so exhausted I think I'm gonna go kick back and relax, or at least try to.

And hopefully I won't gain 10 pounds while I deal with this moving project.

Comments(2)

Better day!

Thursday, December 6, 2007 22:04:20

So I woke up around noon and my bf wanted to go to the diner for brunch. I decided that I hardly eat out, so I would get some really yummy goodies, but only eat a reasonable amount. I ordered a bowl of potato-leek soup which was pretty much enough to fill me. And I had a philly cheese-steak sandwich! I told myself I'd only eat a few bites, but I ate the whole thing! Good thing I didn't eat any of my fries, because the whole meal came in at 1130 calories! Nearly my whole day's worth of calories! I didn't feel like hitting the gym after a meal like that, so I kicked back for a bit. Then I started thinking and I decided I was going to burn off a good chuck of today's lunch instead of sitting around feeling sorry for eating what I knew I shouldn't have. So, I went to the gym. 20 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill with 14 pounds in handweights, then 30 minutes wokring the upper body with free weights, and while I waited for the bf to finish out his workout another 10 minutes on the treadmill. Grand total of calories burned: 574!!! The most I've ever burned in one workout session. Yay!

Then I decided to treat myself to a child sized coconut ice from Rita's, it was worth every calorie. And after all of that I'm still left with 543 calories for dinner, which I might go over just a little bit, but no big deal really. My body and mind felt so good after the workout that I decided to stop being stubborn and join the bf in a little meditation. We rolled down the windows in my car, closed our eyes and listened to the birds. It was nice. I'm feeling good today. Thanks for all of the support!

Comments(2)

Some progress?

Thursday, December 6, 2007 22:04:00

So this weekend went pretty well. I worked out on Friday, did 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill, and 20 minutes on upper body and stretching. Burned 500 calories according to my Polar. I was very pleased with myself. Saturday I decided to take the day off because this muscle (I think its the hip abductor or something) was killing me when I walked or went up stairs, and I didn't feel like straining it anymore. Sundays I'd like to keep as my off day, and I did take it off. Monday I went to the gym again, did 20 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill, and 30 minutes on lower body and some stretching. Burned almost 500 calories. Tuesday my hammies were really sore since I hadn't worked them in over a month so I decided to take it easy and not go to the gym. And today was just a crazy busy day with grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and scheduled tv programs. So, I sat on my fat butt instead of going to the gym. Tomorrow I'll be kicking butt at the gym early in my day. I've missed a few days of vitamins, but I'm back on track. And as for eating, I've been logging in all of my calories. I haven't been too strict with myself, and I'm glad to say that even when I've been indulging (chocolate souffles!!!), I've still come under maintenance.

As for the rest of this week I'm still aiming for daily workouts, daily vitamins, tons of water, and possibly cutting back a little bit more on my calories. I've been feeling pretty down lately, and since I'm an emotional-eater, I've been wanting to stuff my face, but I've been reaching for the pack of gum on my desk instead. I'm going to try to keep reading my emotional-eating books. Those usually get me in the right mindset to fight the good fight.

I've been feeling discontent with my life lately. I really don't like living with my boyfriends parents. I so want to get our own place. But at this point we're both still looking for jobs. I don't really have an idea of what I want to do with my life jobwise. I mean, if I could have it all work out perfectly I'd want to be a successful novelist. But I feel like I have to go to school for it, and well, to be honest I'm sick of going to school. And I can't really afford it right now. I don't think I'm willing to devote another four years of my life to school. And at this point I'm so scared of failure that I don't even want to try. I feel like that about my weightloss sometimes. I feel like I've failed at so much in my life already, and I'm only 21! I'm just so scared of royally fucking things up again. So, my solution is to sit around and do nothing, which really doesn't help the situation get any better. I don't even want to work anymore. I don't understand what has changed in me. I was always such a hard worker. I always had goals that I was working towards and it felt good to apply myself. But these days I don't even have the desire to get out of bed. I just feel like life has to be better, that there has to be something better out there for me. My boyfriend says it lies within me. He says that he's found true, neverending joy through meditation. And some part of me believes him, but other parts are bitter that he's so happy. How can he be so happy right now? Our lives are so crappy. But he tries to show me that I have the power to change how I feel about things, and therefore I have the power to make myself completely happy regardless of the circumstances. I want to believe that its that simple, but I'm a pessimist. What can I say? Sometimes I feel like I'm totally insane, and I create all of this misery. And in a way I do know that I create this. That I create my world, my life, and the way my body is. How do I find the strength to change? I really don't know. I don't know what to do.

Comments(1)

Lost.

Thursday, December 6, 2007 23:08:01

Okay, so I've finally decided to show my face around here. I've been super busy not doing anything healthy for myself. I haven't been to the gym on a regular basis for about a month now. I've gotten off of the "eating right" completely. Last night I watched a movie while eating popcorn and nearly a whole bag of these evil General Tso's kettle cooked chips. I watched "Rosemary's Baby" which I had never seen before. I weighed myself yesterday and I came in at a whoppin' 212 pounds. I was slightly relieved because a few days before I had rung in at 219 pounds (must have been TOM). Anyway, I feel completely lost. My boyfriend is still hitting the gym atleast 4 days a week, usually 5. And all I do is put on a sad face and tell him that I don't want to go, and he goes on his own. Secretly I like that he isn't nagging me. I've been making lots of sweets lately. Cake, cookies, cupcakes, you name it, I've made and eaten it in the past 2 weeks. I wasn't able to see my doctor about the phentermine. I'm planning on it within the next 2 weeks. But, there is a part of me that doesn't want to start taking it unless I've recommitted to doing it right. I want to be able to rely on the eating right and exercise to lose weight rather than depending on a drug to do it all for me. I'm just stuck in this self defeating tornado. I feel so tired all the time. I'm still looking for a job which is really stressing me out. And I feel like a whale so I don't really want to go on any interviews, especially because I'm sure they're looking for super-hot chicks to work behind a bar. Its all so crazy. My boyfriend has gotten in the habit of meditating, and he wants me to join him but I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I used to meditate when I was a teenager, and I found that it was a great tool in helping me stop feeling so sorry for myself. But I feel like I've dipped into another depression. I honestly don't feel capable of doing anything at all. I get up, I eat, I watch tv, I eat, I get on the computer, I eat, I read, I eat, I watch tv, I eat, I watch tv, then I sleep. That is what my days have been like for the past few weeks. I feel like I might be reaching the end of my rope in the sense where I might actually want to get up a do something instead of just wallowing. At this point I'm just going to start going to the gym with the bf. Maybe I'll just start it up again with just 20-30 minutes on the elliptical, and slowly go back to the BFL workouts. I'm reading the Dr. Phil book on weightloss. I like how it tries to deal with the emotional crap before trying to move onto food and exercise stuff. I've been thinking of starting to see a therapist again. Can't... no health insurance! I'll survive. So... goal for the weekend: Get to the gym and take my vitamins. We'll see what happens with next week.

Comments(3)

What can I say?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 22:03:21

I haven't completely given up... but I've been skipping workouts like crazy. I haven't been eating right, but I haven't been bingeing. Aaron and his family left on Saturday morning, and I've been alone and okay ever since. I wanted to ask my doctor about phentermine, but since she is renovating the office I couldn't get in contact with her, and she'll be closed until July 2nd. So, it looks like I'll be able to think of some things before taking the next step.

Since Aaron left I've been texting a couple of my ex's. And I feel guilty. I just feel like Aaron and I are best friends, and not lovers. I'm happy that we're so close, but I want some passion in my life, in my relationship. And... with my ex's all we had was passion. And so I'm torn right now. I just feel like such a horrible person for even having these thoughts. And I spoke to Aaron about it last night and he told me that he would leave me for sure if I did anything stupid. He made me feel really bad. He says that he understands because he has the same thoughts about other women, but porn is enough to quench his thirst. What do I have to quench mine? I'm just so frustrated... I don't know what to do.

Comments(1)