All I Can Do Is Sigh
So, it seems that this past week I've reached all-time highs in my weight. 226 and 223. I knew I would gain some weight since we were going on vacation for a week, but I didn't think I'd gain 6 pounds. No biggie, I guess.
My moving situation is a huge mess right now and I'm confused as ever what to do about it. So, it looks like I'm just going to wait it out. In the meantime, I've decided to get into juice fasting. Not necessarily for weightloss, but for detoxing. I just feel so sluggish all of the time, I'm sure its because all of the crap I put in my body in the past. Plus, Aaron's mom had an old juicer sitting in one of the closets up in our apartment. I did a great deal of research, and bought a pretty good book on the subject. Aaron and I are planning on a 21 day juice and water fast. One for each year of life. And we plan on it being a very spiritual journey as well. Now to prepare for the fast we're doing 21 days of raw-vegan eating and about 1 juice a day. Which means no more juicy steaks, or macaroni and cheese, or even eggs for breakfast! So I've basically set out to become a rabbit. So far I'm taking it real slow. I've been having fruit for breakfast, then veggie juice, for lunch I've been eating veggies with some sort of carb (rice or couscous), and dinner has been veggies with a light veggie dip (dairy based) and some fruit for dessert. I knew that the first week would be slow for me, but I expect starting on Monday to be eating only raw fruits and veggies with nuts (and small amounts of dried fruit). The reason I'm doing this "Eden Diet" to prepare for the fast is that one will get all of these horrible detox side effects if you just jump into a fast at random. So apparently eating this way for a good amount of time before the fast will spread out the side effects so it doesn't kill you (some people believe it can). Then you fast, and then you go back to eating raw-vegan again for a certain amount of days depending on how long you fasted for. I'll be doing that for a week after the initial fast. Oh, and you have to give yourself enemas every day during the fast to get rid of the caked on crap in your system. 
I'm not exactly looking forward to that...
As for weight loss, well, apparently I should expect to lose 3-4 pounds on the first few days of the fast, and 1 pound every day after that. I'm not betting on all of it to be permanent anyway, and I expect I'll lose some weight being a raw-vegan. I just want to lose 8 pounds right now. Since I've gained these last few pounds my body seems to be yelling at me. My joints (knees) are complaining whenever I use the stairs, and I get easily winded walking anywhere. I stopped going to the gym a few weeks ago, and I can't seem to get myself to go back seeing how tired I feel all of the time. And I always feel like I'm carrying a bag of wheat on my back... I just feel so heavy.
And things between Aaron and I have been totally crazy. We go from opposite extremes in one day: we're cuddly and lovey, and then I'm so angry with him I want to literally stab him. I think we're hitting the first really rough patch in our relationship, and it's really difficult for me because I don't really have anyone besides him. And I can feel myself growing more and more attached as each day passes. I'm clinging onto him and I know that it will only make him push back that much harder. I just feel so shitty most of the time. I feel like I'm back in high school, when I was so miserable I cried every day and could barely get out of bed to go to school. He says that I feel the same way because that misery never went away, that I've carried it with me always... and I can agree... I have this constant need to eat, and I know what it means, I know that its because I carry this crap around with me all of the time. I just can't seem to let go of my past... of everyone who has hurt me, of everything that didn't turn out the way I had hoped. And I'm scared that I'm losing him too. Its just a big mess.
And I just want to escape into the world of The Sims 2 but my computer has decided to be a bitch. I think I need a new hard drive. Mine is like 5 years old. No bueno. And I would love to play World Of Warcraft too, but I don't have money to be throwing around. So, maybe its time I faced my problems instead of running from them. We'll see what happens.