Some progress?
So this weekend went pretty well. I worked out on Friday, did 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill, and 20 minutes on upper body and stretching. Burned 500 calories according to my Polar. I was very pleased with myself. Saturday I decided to take the day off because this muscle (I think its the hip abductor or something) was killing me when I walked or went up stairs, and I didn't feel like straining it anymore. Sundays I'd like to keep as my off day, and I did take it off. Monday I went to the gym again, did 20 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill, and 30 minutes on lower body and some stretching. Burned almost 500 calories. Tuesday my hammies were really sore since I hadn't worked them in over a month so I decided to take it easy and not go to the gym. And today was just a crazy busy day with grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and scheduled tv programs. So, I sat on my fat butt instead of going to the gym. Tomorrow I'll be kicking butt at the gym early in my day. I've missed a few days of vitamins, but I'm back on track. And as for eating, I've been logging in all of my calories. I haven't been too strict with myself, and I'm glad to say that even when I've been indulging (chocolate souffles!!!), I've still come under maintenance.
As for the rest of this week I'm still aiming for daily workouts, daily vitamins, tons of water, and possibly cutting back a little bit more on my calories. I've been feeling pretty down lately, and since I'm an emotional-eater, I've been wanting to stuff my face, but I've been reaching for the pack of gum on my desk instead. I'm going to try to keep reading my emotional-eating books. Those usually get me in the right mindset to fight the good fight.
I've been feeling discontent with my life lately. I really don't like living with my boyfriends parents. I so want to get our own place. But at this point we're both still looking for jobs. I don't really have an idea of what I want to do with my life jobwise. I mean, if I could have it all work out perfectly I'd want to be a successful novelist. But I feel like I have to go to school for it, and well, to be honest I'm sick of going to school. And I can't really afford it right now. I don't think I'm willing to devote another four years of my life to school. And at this point I'm so scared of failure that I don't even want to try. I feel like that about my weightloss sometimes. I feel like I've failed at so much in my life already, and I'm only 21! I'm just so scared of royally fucking things up again. So, my solution is to sit around and do nothing, which really doesn't help the situation get any better. I don't even want to work anymore. I don't understand what has changed in me. I was always such a hard worker. I always had goals that I was working towards and it felt good to apply myself. But these days I don't even have the desire to get out of bed. I just feel like life has to be better, that there has to be something better out there for me. My boyfriend says it lies within me. He says that he's found true, neverending joy through meditation. And some part of me believes him, but other parts are bitter that he's so happy. How can he be so happy right now? Our lives are so crappy. But he tries to show me that I have the power to change how I feel about things, and therefore I have the power to make myself completely happy regardless of the circumstances. I want to believe that its that simple, but I'm a pessimist. What can I say? Sometimes I feel like I'm totally insane, and I create all of this misery. And in a way I do know that I create this. That I create my world, my life, and the way my body is. How do I find the strength to change? I really don't know. I don't know what to do.