Lost.
Okay, so I've finally decided to show my face around here. I've been super busy not doing anything healthy for myself. I haven't been to the gym on a regular basis for about a month now. I've gotten off of the "eating right" completely. Last night I watched a movie while eating popcorn and nearly a whole bag of these evil General Tso's kettle cooked chips. I watched "Rosemary's Baby" which I had never seen before. I weighed myself yesterday and I came in at a whoppin' 212 pounds. I was slightly relieved because a few days before I had rung in at 219 pounds (must have been TOM). Anyway, I feel completely lost. My boyfriend is still hitting the gym atleast 4 days a week, usually 5. And all I do is put on a sad face and tell him that I don't want to go, and he goes on his own. Secretly I like that he isn't nagging me. I've been making lots of sweets lately. Cake, cookies, cupcakes, you name it, I've made and eaten it in the past 2 weeks. I wasn't able to see my doctor about the phentermine. I'm planning on it within the next 2 weeks. But, there is a part of me that doesn't want to start taking it unless I've recommitted to doing it right. I want to be able to rely on the eating right and exercise to lose weight rather than depending on a drug to do it all for me. I'm just stuck in this self defeating tornado. I feel so tired all the time. I'm still looking for a job which is really stressing me out. And I feel like a whale so I don't really want to go on any interviews, especially because I'm sure they're looking for super-hot chicks to work behind a bar. Its all so crazy. My boyfriend has gotten in the habit of meditating, and he wants me to join him but I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I used to meditate when I was a teenager, and I found that it was a great tool in helping me stop feeling so sorry for myself. But I feel like I've dipped into another depression. I honestly don't feel capable of doing anything at all. I get up, I eat, I watch tv, I eat, I get on the computer, I eat, I read, I eat, I watch tv, I eat, I watch tv, then I sleep. That is what my days have been like for the past few weeks. I feel like I might be reaching the end of my rope in the sense where I might actually want to get up a do something instead of just wallowing. At this point I'm just going to start going to the gym with the bf. Maybe I'll just start it up again with just 20-30 minutes on the elliptical, and slowly go back to the BFL workouts. I'm reading the Dr. Phil book on weightloss. I like how it tries to deal with the emotional crap before trying to move onto food and exercise stuff. I've been thinking of starting to see a therapist again. Can't... no health insurance! I'll survive. So... goal for the weekend: Get to the gym and take my vitamins. We'll see what happens with next week.