moving slowly but not surprised

I'm not surprised that I have only made it to the 10 pound mark in 6 weeks, which thus means that I probably won't make my goal weight of 128 lbs by the end of August.  Yes, not a shocker!

I'm not surprised because since June 16, the day I (re)started the journey, I have not worked out 90 minutes a day like I thought I would (heh), I went off the wagon for a weekend wedding, I pulled a muscle that kept me tight and miserable for about a week, and after returning to town from the wedding, I totally forgot about this website!! I just remembered the other day when someone asked me how Aussie Fit was going. (btw, it's going great! Go Steve!

But, I'm not willing to admit to a total lack of commitment yet. Because in spite of the above - and I only admitted all of that because of the whole 'I'm going to be honest' deal that I made with myself when I started this blog - I'm still doing well.  I have a pretty good routine of daily exercise, even if it isn't 90 minutes a day.  It's close - I'm definitely doing something physical, even if it's just wogging, 60 minutes a day.  Also, aside from the wedding weekend, I have been pretty disciplined with food and actually am rarely eating anything with wheat or flour in it (so no bread or bread products). My clothes are a tiny bit looser, too.  So, I'm not giving up!

Oh - and I've added a new inspiration to Aussie.  Gilad! OMG since discovering him on my brother's cable television deal, I think it's 'FitTV,' I've been in total fits over him - the opening credits to his show alone!  So I've added that, and Namaste Yoga, to my rotating exercise routine. 

Aussie Fit

So it is July and I am progressing slower than I would like.  I knew this was going to be an ambitious goal - but now that I see I have only lost 5 pounds and my clothes are no looser than when I started, I realize I have to take it up a notch with the exercising. Burn more calories and all.  I also have made some changes to my diet - but more on that later.

I'm just too excited to share my latest exercise discovery.  A total Dollar Tree find. While out shopping for qtips and the like, I let myself wander and browse the Dollar Tree DVD section. This section usually includes low-budget films that never made it to the Lifetime Movie Network; cartoons that were probably broadcast on the christian channel, if ever; and how-to make-it-rich-by-quitting-your-job-and-playing-the-stock-market videos.  But MAGICALLLY, a small set of exercise vids caught my eye.  So I stopped to browse for anything resembling yoga/pilates/stretching...to no avail.  However, there were several "strength and tone" and "new body workout" copies, so I decided to invest a measly $2 and pick up a couple. 

The cover images gave no clue or indication at all that I had just purchased two volumes from the "multi-award-winning" Aussie Fit series.  Brilliant! Seriously, the cover images were your typical strength-and-tone poses: woman in a tight fitting yoga/dance outfit, stretching her ballet-toned body while looking yonder, in a serene-looking, hard-wood-floor studio surrounded by green palm leafs and linen cotton towels.  But when I hit play...

It was a world of Aussie Fit! Led by Steve, our young and fit trainer with the large gap between his two front teeth! I wish I had the cover images, to compare/contrast for you.  But I did find this:

That's him! And, I must say, the energy of this group, all clad in one-piece outfits resembling wrestling singlets, is outstanding.  The walls, floor and decor are all bright white, too. And maybe I've just been a fan of LOST for too long, but I think I prefer being encouraged in an Australian accent, to an American one.

So, I'm happy to say, via the Dollar Tree DVD section and disguised as your typical singular strength and tone viddie, the Aussie Fit workout program is now integrated into my journey, by pure accident but with pure delight.

bathing suit!

 As in, time to put one on in public, a public that includes really honest children.

Send positive vibes, please!

curves

i'm not joining the curves health club.  body curves are what's on my mind.

last night i visited an art gallery that a friend of mine runs. the current show features a series of figurative paintings of various models, but mostly, a rather large model. (incidentally, the back story of the model was great - my friend kept talking about what great dynamo energy she had as a "big" woman, very farm - wife, dominant presence).  my friend also made a big deal about how much the artists, his students, really dug the model precisely because she was obese and had all these awesome "curves" for them to interpret.  the whole experience made me think about my own self body image, and the relationship between how i see myself and how others "interpret" me. 

i have this love/hate relationship with my curves.  they're so *real. by the way, i'm using curves also as a euphemism for "rolls."  there's no other subtle way to say that. my "curves" (as well as my cellulite) remind me that i'm a real person, as in, i'm not a supermodel, i'm not a celebrity, i'm not a wealthy 32 year old who has the $ and time for regular cellulite reducing spa treatments, tummy tucks and/or liposuction.

my "curves" are also a reminder of my lifetime struggle with being overweight. at various times in my life, they've been more pronounced than at others (like now). in more recent times, they're also decorated with stretch marks.  and again, because i'm inside so much, i have these weird faded tan lines, remnants of a previous life living in a beach town...

anyway, being surrounded by all these paintings of various-sized models last night at the gallery really made me think later about what i would be faced with if i posed. with me as their subjects, what would these figurative artists produce? would they revel in and celebrate my "curves" the way they did the farm woman? how would i feel about that? in my current state of mind, i am so focused on diminishing the extra layers.  could i handle such a real depiction of myself, pre-layer deduction?

i'll never get to that answer, because i do not see myself ever posing as a model - even for $ (altho i could really use some extra dough).  even if - sorry, when! - i reach my weight loss goal, i already know i'm going to be dealing with "skin" issues (curves issues replaced by skin issues).  so what then? will that be another dissatisfaction in my life?

it was really interesting, the timing of last night's gallery tour.  in a weird way, imagining myself as an artist's model is actually helping me with my discipline.

first day

this is the first day of my journey.  my journey from the "overweight" category to the "ideal weight" category. embarking on such a journey is not new; i've done this probably at least fifty times in my life.  it's the blogging that's new.  .

my goal: to make it to 128 pounds in two months.  it's probably too intense of a goal.  but, as my father always says, as he quotes others and takes credit for it, "shoot for the moon."  so, i'm applying that m.o. to my weight loss goals.

my weight loss goal is also a fitness goal.  in endeavoring to lose these pounds, i seek to become a lighter, fitter me, so that the next time i go on a hike i am not dying. my excuse for being out of breath on a hike with friends used to be "smoker's lungs."  since i "officially" quit in december, that excuse is no longer available.  the 40 pounds of extra weight is now the excuse - um, rather, the reason.  at least one of the reasons.

why did i choose 128 lbs as my goal?  128 lbs, according to the calculator on this website, is the top end of my "ideal weight." the bottom end is 114 lbs.  i figured that a good first goal would be the top end; that way, i don't feel like i'm pushing myself too much. also, i am saving something for later, a second goal if you will.

i used to allow myself to believe that my body weight doesn't matter - that it's "being healthy" that really counts, and that as long as i am comfortable with my body image, it doesn't matter if i am thin.  well, i am slowly moving out of that era of thinking. let me clarify: i still believe that overall, i should accept myself and want to be healthy. i am now empowering myself to directly connect "being healthy" with my actual weight - the two are not separate, especially as i am overweight - and being healthy means i need to exercise and lose these extra pounds! hence, joining extrapounds.com!

i've been carrying around these extra pounds for decades now.  i am 32 years old and have been in this category for about 15 years now - probably longer, but 15 years is a good chunk of time to revisit and evaluate.  going back 15 years, when i was 17, there were several differences in my health, diet, weight and fitness, both positive and negative.  for my own amusement, i am going to list those differences now, in no particular order:

when i was 17 (isn't that the first line of a Frank Sinatra song?):

i played team sports - which meant, i had a coach yelling at me to run a mile at least 4 days a week, plus, weight training.

i went to the pool and the beach on a regular basis in the summer with my friends and boyfriend - which meant, i was always worrying about how i looked in a bathing suit and consequently, running on the treadmill or doing other exercises a lot.

i was in a "serious relationship," thinking i was absolutely madly in love with the one and only love of my life. as my boyfriend and i were constantly all over each other and physically expressing our affections (at least it seemed that way), for much of my waking hours, i was aware of how i looked naked.

i drank regular pop all the time - not diet! everyday i had at least 4-5 pepsis or cokes.

i ate fast food with my friends all the time - subway, burger king, wendys, mcdonalds, taco bell, chinese food, pizza - pretty much on a daily basis.  i barely ever ate fruits/vegetables, and "salads" were probably higher in calories than the burgers b/c i poured either ranch or thousand island dressing all over it, adding bacon bits and shredded processed cheese as garnish.

in the summer, i sunbathed constantly. altho this masked a bit of the thickness, it was really bad for my skin.

i wore boys' clothing, thinking it covered up my bad parts.  what i didn't realize was that oversize tshirts and jeans just make you look bigger.  why did i think that gang-wear was attractive?

at age 32: i think, generally, i am more secure and self-confident about the "inner me," and do love myself.  i have really strong friendships with both long time friends and new folks, who have made an impact on my life in many good ways.

i very rarely eat fast food meals and am more conscious about eating protein, fresh fruits and vegetables, and drinking lots of water (no more pop!), although i do indulge in sweets and movie popcorn too much, and have exchanged cravings for fast-food with cravings for gourmet breads, cheeses, and other high-fat, high calorie foods! moderation, moderation.

i'm much more open-minded to being outdoors; ironically, since i am stuck working inside at a computer for 8-9 hours a day...but that means, potential for varying activities and, possibly, becoming a runner, something i've aspired to but have never had the discipline to really stick with.

the bad news, at age 32, i now have a (regulated) diagnosed thyroid disorder, making me dependent upon synthetic thyroid hormone. i also have way more cellulite and stretch marks, reflecting (a) my various bouts of weight gain-weight loss-weight regain over the past 15 years and (b) my exercising inconsistencies.

but, all that said, i am motivated to be a thin person, for myself, and am currently embracing that as a good thing, even though i am not totally consumed by it - i have lots of other interests that i feel are equally,if not more, important than my weight loss goal.  but, i am ready to make the weight loss goal a priority, even if that means giving up a few hours toward other activities (like crafting or reading or netflix dvds).

thanks for reading. i'm not going to share this blog with everyone in my life. i know that some advise shouting, out loud to the world, one's weight loss goals, but i'm not going to approach it that way. the main reason is, blogging is weird - the larger the audience, the more the writer thinks about tone, etc., and i'm not really into worrying about that.  i want to blog for the sake of support and accountability, as well as for evaluating my own emotional ride through this journey.  i would like your feedback if you are willing to give it.  hopefully i'll stick with this!