I love May and I hate May :) I love May because it truly begins to bring Spring to our door. I hate May because it brings a ridiculous amount of things to do being a farm family and that is seriously interferring with my exercise routine :( I knew it would happen. Happens every May. But I've started off so well with the weight loss I'm terrified of not getting enough exercise in to keep the lost pounds off and to continue losing.
Middle child is sick. He has irritable bowel syndrome. My inlaws have no clue how to eat healthy. Seems he has a really bad flare up any time we have to have a family get together with them anymore :( MIL flat out refuses to fix anything that would be tolerable to him or even to her own son (my husband) who has type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol even though my FIL died of a heart attack at 64 and my BIL died of a heart attack just 1 1/2 years ago at 42. You'd think that would kind of open her eyes to the whole family history thing and diet and all but she just has a stubborn/inflexible streak you would not believe. I love her, but she is certainly a trying person. So DS thought he could make it to school. He's missed so much this year between a trip we took to Disney in January and all of us coming down with a horrible case of the flu in February that took him out for another week so we decided he'd try it. 11 am phone rang and he needed to come home :( So all of my plans have been shot and I have so much to do it's not even funny.
My eating is off track. Not like in the ditch off track....yet....but I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread today. I'm just feeling so stressed out and that always resorts in emotional eating for me so I'm just desperately trying to hang on and not undo everything I've worked so hard for in the past month and a half. But here it is almost 2pm and I finally sat down to take a breather. I still haven't been able to exercise today. I may have to just force myself to take a little time later once oldest DS gets home and can kind of help younger DS out if he needs something (oldest ds has dealt with IBS - seems to have outgrown it, we hope!!!, but it could flare up for him again at anytime as well. We have a family history on both sides of IBS and diverticulitis) I just can't let myself start sliding down that slope to not having time to workout and eat right.
yesterday. The whole "mom" thing you know. It dawned on me this morning as I was talking to DH. I told him mom mentioned my weight loss. He got that "grrr" look on his face and said "I suppose she had to get some kind of jab in" Just as he got that look, that "don't mess with my wife" look, it hit me. The reason my mom hadn't said anything before yesterday about my weight loss is because he has always been with me any time I've seen her, except for yesterday. He works nights so when we went to get our hair cut, he was at work, so it was just the kids and me. Ever since he had his little "chat" with mom years ago and told her she wasn't being helpful with her snippy comments and he didn't want her talking to me about my weight again, she doesn't......at least not in front of him. I can't believe it didn't hit me yesterday because when I answered and told her that yes I have lost weight she said "I almost said something the other day but....." and she just trailed off and didn't finish her thought. "the other day" would have been the night of my DDs preschool graduation. They came to our house and brought supper since we were so rushed getting all the kids from their various places. DH took that night off to go to DD's grad. Obviously she couldn't say anything "the other day" because DH was there!! LOL How funny is it that she will tow the line when it comes to him......as long as he's there LOL Yeesh, the games she plays!! At least I'm finally catching on to them and she hasn't really hurt me in a very long time. Thank goodness I found my DH. If it weren't for him and his support I really wonder where I'd be today when it comes to my mom. It really kind of scares me to think about it. :(
Considering tomorrow is Mother's Day I have to add a disclaimer :) My mom isn't a horrible, evil person. Has she hurt me with her words and actions? You bet. Has she don't it repeatedly? You bet. And this isn't making an excuse for her at all, it's merely a tiny "reason" for lack of a better term......in her mind, the things she's said/done were meant to be helpful and motivating. I can't even begin to explain how difficult my mother's childhood was or how horrible her own birth mother was/is to her. Again, not an excuse, but certainly a reason. It's kind of along the lines of you do what you know until you know better. Mom still does what she knows and somehow even telling her that what she's doing is wrong in certain instances just doesn't get through. The only explanation for that I can find is that she's in her 60's and her birth mother can still pull the most hellacious guilt trips on her *shaking head* It's really sad. As her daughter I'm the one that has to kind of smack her back to reality in that department sometimes and tell her she owes her birth mother (not her mom, her "mom" was her stepmother) nothing. (again, no way I could explain w/o having days and days, but it's not an adoption situation, there were divorces and abandonment and just a mess for a child to grow up in all at the hands of her birth mother) So I don't think in some instances mom has the ability to learn and "know better" because she's still living some of these things with her own mother and can't break free from that cycle. Again, not an excuse, but a tiny bit of a reason. :)
So I've come to realize over the years that I just have to be strong and do what's right for me and tell my mom loudly and repeatedly if necessary that she can't say/do certain things and think it's ok just because she's my mom. It won't ever change completely, but since I started standing up to her when it comes to HER mother and telling her that I don't have any great feelings of love toward her, not only for what she did to my mom and my uncle as children, but just because of the person she is, and I tell her that she needs to find her voice and her strength and not allow her mother to manipulate her I have noticed at least small changes. Like I said, I know it'll never be perfect. She'll always get little diggs in. But I'm developing a pretty tough hide not that I've hit 40 it seems and I'm able to deflect those diggs a wee bit better each time :) I think the fact that it took a look from my DH for me to realize that mom was working the situation stands as testament to that at least a little :) In the past I would have immediately thought "oh no! DH isn't here she's going to start in on me" and it didn't even occur to me last night that could have been what she was doing. Maybe it's progress LOL
Certainly not getting my hopes up, but can't help but wonder......
Ever since I started losing weight again I have been wondering and dreading when my mom would notice and say something. If you've read any of my earlier bloggin's you know my mom is a source of......hmmmmm,nice way to put it......irritation......for me when it comes to weight. Normally before I even have 10 lbs off she's right there hovering asking me, wanting to know exactly what I'm doing, telling me what I should do to lose even more, reminding me that I've failed so many times and that I have to do it right this time, telling me I'll be so pretty when I lose weight (what am I now, chopped liver?)....... So I've been dreading the day that she noticed. And then here I am down 16 lbs and I started wondering....ok, what's her game now because she's seen me a couple of times and she hasn't said a thing. See how she gets in my head and messes with me even w/o saying anything?? LOL
So today I took the kids over to mom and dad's so we could all get haircuts. (Mom's a retired beautician) After we'd been there a while she said "you've lost weight" I said "yea, I had to go buy a new pair of jeans today, these are too big" She said "I wondered the other day but I didn't want to say anything...." and that's all she said. Period. Whew!!
I'm staying positive, but I also don't want to believe that this will be it and then have her blind side me, so I won't let my guard down either. Gotta be ready for that sucker punch that could come out of nowhere.
WHOO!!! Yesterday and today my weight was done two more pounds. I seem to feel like I have to see that # stay down for at least two days in a row before I believe it's really gone.
My dd graduates from preschool tonight. They had a rehearsal this morning with both preschool classes (they have an am and a pm class) so it was 30 minutes shorter than a normal preschool class would be. I couldn't see the point of driving all the way home and then have to turn around in less than an hour and go back to pick her up (class was just 2 hours today) so I just drove over to a tiny park (fitting since her preschool is in a tiny town LOL) and went for almost an hour long walk around town. Make it just under 3 miles. So my exercise for the day is done. Which is good because I've got to get ready for graduation soon since I have to run and pick up our middle DS from choir practice after school and we'll have to rush to get him home and fed before we have to leave.
So much to do today but I just could not let myself skip a workout. Finally managed to hop on my recumbent bike for 42 minutes, 10 miles. My plan was to do a WATP but our family room is so hot right now and I was already beat from all the work and cleaning I've been doing today I knew I'd never make it through in a useful way so I jumped on the bike instead. Only planned to do 25 minutes. That's what I set the timer for, but when it went off I just hit start again and kept riding.
Food has been really good today. Yesterday wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad either so I can't get on myself too much. I was feeling stressed so just the fact that I didn't have a binge like I normally would is a big step so I need to remind myself of that. And continue reminding myself of needing to step on that scale again on Friday for my weigh in :)
Gotta LOVE it when you are working out, have your MP3 player going strong, but you maybe aren't going quite as strong and a great, upbeat song that you love pops on. WHOO!! That happened to me today. I had done my weight lifting and stability ball workout and hopped on my recumbent bike to get 20 minutes in. This week is going to be a hectic one so I wanted to get a short cardio in today just in case I have to cut workouts later in the week short. And I'm pooped. Not much time left to pedal, but I am just exhausted and thinking I just wish the 20 minutes were up already. When this comes blasting through my earbuds......
I LOVE that song!!!! Picked me right up and next thing I knew my chubby little legs were pedaling away at 18 and 19 MPH!! Gotta love a great song that can pick you up and carry you through a workout like that!! I always loved this song, but it kind of took on more special meaning for me when I was preg with my first DS. I always listened to one radio station on my drive home from work and every day at 5:00 sharp the DJ would play bang the drum. DS would start kicking like crazy every single time this song came on!! LOL Even after he was born, once he was big enough to have some control over his own body I'd see him bopping in his car seat when it came on. Just cracks me up still to think about that. He's almost 15 years old now and it even makes him crack a smile still when I crank that song up. No more boppin' or kickin' but at least it gets some reaction out of him LOL
Why in so many people's minds is what you weigh tied to being successful or "good" or having a good life? Not everyone thinks that way, but good golly and awful lot of people do. My mom is certainly one of those people. I wonder if she just doesn't think at all sometimes when she talks. Or is it just like when I was growing up and she'd tell me that I'd be so pretty if I'd lose weight (when I weighed 130 lbs mind you, I'd give anything to weigh 130 now---wonder what she thinks about those words all these years later??? Didn't quite have the affect she desired I don't believe. Today I was at my mom and dad's house for a while and I was shocked and appalled that every single time she'd mention someone, their weight had to be included in the conversation. "I ran into so and so the other day......she was SO heavy, I just couldn't believe she'd let herself go that much." But I have to say my absolute favorite comment of the day had to be in regards to her step-brother's ex-wife. L (the ex-wife) died just a short time ago in a fire. She fell asleep with a lit cigarette. Took her own life and that of her boyfriend's young son :( L was a mess before, during and after her marriage to my mom's SB. She had a long history of drug problems and stole money from anyone they knew, including relatives. But mom had this to say about L. "She MUST have gotten straightened out. Everyone said she wasn't so fat anymore." Oh, so THAT's the sign of someone not having a drug problem anymore. They've lost a lot of weight. So now they just must be fine and dandy because they are not fat anymore. My god, is it any wonder my mind is so screwed up when it comes to weight????
She didn't mention noticing that I've lost weight. I'm actually grateful for that. I just cannot have a conversation with my mom about weight. Mine or anyone elses. She is just so skewed in the way she sees things. In her mind fat means there's something inheretly wrong with you, thin means you are perfect and have no problems. So she sits there talking about all these people and how horrible their weight is and on and on and I just want to ask her what, exactly, does she think about me then? Her daughter??? I'm certainly more overweight than any of these people she's sat there telling me about. I must be an absolute puddle of crap in her eyes.
But you know, for once, I'm not allowing it to get into me. It bothers me. How can it not??? My mother is judgemental with a capital J. But it bothers me more from the standpoint that I can't believe she is speaking about people in this way. Most of the people she was ranting about are her FRIENDS!!! I know I don't need a friend like that. How would her friend's feel if they heard her say those things about them? She doesn't think about that though.
I cannot blame all of my weight on my mother. She didn't shove every piece of food down my throat that got me to this weight. But she certainly, piece by piece, tore apart who I was as a human being. She obliterated my selfconfidence. My self-esteem. She tore my soul out bit by painful bit all those years ago when I was just a child. And she kept tearing out any little piece I was able to manage to salvage and try to rebuild. Looking back it feels like she would wait until she felt there was a bit of a glow of my inner self showing again and she'd go in for the kill one more time trying to make sure she finally destroyed it. It has taken me years to piece together the shreds of my inner self. I'm no where near done, but tiny piece by jagged piece I'm getting parts of my soul back. And this time I must put the pieces together firmly, strongly and not allow her to cut her way back through and hurt me in that way again.
The fatal blow to her being able to continue to hurt me in this way was my meeting my husband. He is the man I am supposed to be with. I NEED to be with to find the strength and the ability to rebuild myself little by little. He has stood up to my mom when I didn't have the strength and courage to do it myself. He has stood beside me through 20 years of marriage and 3 years before saying "I do" telling me that I AM beautiful, I AM smart, I AM worthy. And little by little his words began to drown out my mom's. And his words found a place to take seed and grow. I still doubt myself. A lot. More than I should for sure. But each time that doubt creeps back in, he is right there to pick me up and tell me not to listen to those words, to listen to him and my children and see how much they love me and need me.
So no more will I allow my soul to be shredded. To be torn bit by bit from me. I AM strong. I AM capable. I AM going to lose weight. I AM going to remember these feelings and never do the same to my sons and daughter. I AM worth the effort and I WILL succeed.
And when I do, I will know that losing weight did not make me beautiful or smart or capable or "okay". I was okay before my soul was shredded bit by bit all those years ago. I have been okay all the years trying to repair my shredded soul. And I will be okay forever. I am ME and that is all I need to be.
WHOOO!!!! Apparently my body just needed an extra day to get rid of more weight. I weighed yesterday morning and wasn't quite accepting of the # that came up. I couldn't believe I'd be down that much. So I blew it off as a possible fluke. When I lose that much I tend to think I must see it two days in a row, the same exact #, or I can't count it as a loss yet. Stepped on this scale this morning and there it was again :) WHOOO!!!! I'm down 14 lbs in one month. Eleven pounds to go to my first goal!!
Believe I'll take today off from exercising. Haven't missed a day in 10 days. My foot/ankle/leg is bothering me. Had an injury last year with a torn tendon on the inside of my left leg/ankle. Really gave me fits and I ended up having to go to physical therapy to get it somewhat under control. So I don't want to aggravate it too much. It won't get two days off in a row though
Just finished my 2 mile WATP. I kind of had the mindset that I was going to take today off once I reliazed my day was a little screwed up. This morning my youngest DS informed me that the dog only had one can of dog food left. She's on a special prescription dog food so I have to get it through our vet which meant a trip into town. DD has preschool M, W and F so I knew I couldn't get there on Monday so it was get it today or have an unhappy, hungry dog So instead of my day being planned that I would get some cleaning and laundry done, get a workout in, shower and get ready and go to town this evening I had to get things around to go to town this morning. If I had to make a trip into Marion I was going to get everything that I had to do done at one time. Can't afford making another 15 mile one way trip with gas prices like they are! By the time I got everything squared away it was 12:30 when I got home. Grabbed a quick lunch for everyone and had a ton of things I needed to do. I finsihed a few things and decided I was going to get that workout in....and I did :) And the scale was down a bit this morning. YAY!!! I'm not counting on it as a loss though until I see the same weight for a couple of days. Don't want to get my hopes up thinking I'm down that far and find out when I step on tomorrow that # doesn't want to materialize again LOL
First I want to thank those who responded to my whine this morning :) It really helps to keep things in perspective hearing what I already know from others. Not sure why but I can so easily support someone else and lift them up and tell them the right things, but I just can't seem to master that skill for my own self-talk yet. Obviously something I'm working on!!!
Our power went out this morning during a thunderstorm. Every time I would go to start doing something I'd be smacked with the realization that I couldn't because that particular thing runs on.....electricity LOL I even went to hop on my recumbent bike....nope, electricity. Guess I could have ridden it w/o resistence or having any idea how far I was pedalling LOL So I got a workout in on the stability ball and with my weights. Just in time too as my oldest DS called from school. Their power was out as well. (We're in a county wide school system, so I knew now it was a pretty big problem if his school more than 10 miles away from us was affected too.) They were working on getting the buses to come to the school to pick the kids up, but it was going to be almost 2 hours before they could get there so if parents wanted to come get their kids they could. With gas prices so high, part of me hated to. But I'm not so old yet that I don't remember being 14 and how I would have wanted to be anywhere other than school w/o any power LOL So off I went and took a friend home as well. Power finally came back on about an hour ago for "real". It came back on about an hour before this last time, but kept cutting back out. This time it seems to be holding out. But there are also more storms on the way so we'll see what tonight holds.
Once I knew the power was back on I hopped on the bike and rode 10.1 miles in 42 minutes :) I'll show my body to give me just a measly too pounds!!! LOL j/k I'll take whatever I can get that is a loss. It's 2 pounds closer to my first goal, right? And I know I'm doing something right since there was a loss. So I'll take it and be happy with it (even if the inner child in me is still stomping her feet screaming "I WANT MORE!!!!)
Gotta love a great song that can pick you up and carry you through a workout like that!! I always loved this song, but it kind of took on more special meaning for me when I was preg with my first DS. I always listened to one radio station on my drive home from work and every day at 5:00 sharp the DJ would play bang the drum. DS would start kicking like crazy every single time this song came on!! LOL Even after he was born, once he was big enough to have some control over his own body I'd see him bopping in his car seat when it came on. Just cracks me up still to think about that. He's almost 15 years old now and it even makes him crack a smile still when I crank that song up. No more boppin' or kickin' but at least it gets some reaction out of him LOL
So instead of my day being planned that I would get some cleaning and laundry done, get a workout in, shower and get ready and go to town this evening I had to get things around to go to town this morning. If I had to make a trip into Marion I was going to get everything that I had to do done at one time. Can't afford making another 15 mile one way trip with gas prices like they are! By the time I got everything squared away it was 12:30 when I got home. Grabbed a quick lunch for everyone and had a ton of things I needed to do. I finsihed a few things and decided I was going to get that workout in....and I did :) And the scale was down a bit this morning. YAY!!! I'm not counting on it as a loss though until I see the same weight for a couple of days. Don't want to get my hopes up thinking I'm down that far and find out when I step on tomorrow that # doesn't want to materialize again LOL