Sayonara, E-Diets

Now it has been maybe three weeks since I quit E-Diets out of frustration.  They'd changed their interface and I found the new interface to be impossible!  So I quit them and now, argh, am carrying the poundage.

This is so frustrating!  Somewhere inside me is the willpower to lose this weight.  I've done it before, twice before I've lost massive amounts of weight!  What's even worse is that this time I have the ultimate in motivation, to lose weight to live longer and have fun with my little boy.  Even with that though it seems like the motivation is 20 times harder to find. 

On the other hand I'm still trying to find the 'quick fix' like is it maybe my thyroid, or is it that I'm insulin-resistant, or blah blah blah who am I kidding!?  I'm just overweight because I eat too much and exercise too little.  When you boil it all down, what excuse can I give that has not been given before.  Guess I just need to get on with it and try to find that motivation. 

The withdraw-AL continued

I’m continuing my withdrawal from Cymbalta.  All sorts of interesting things are cropping up.  Last week my trigeminal neuralgia, which had all but disappeared, came back.  Oh what fun.  If you don’t know what trigeminal neuralgia is, count yourself lucky.  It is nicknamed “the suicide disease” because it drives so many people to commit suicide.  So yes I am withdrawing from antidepressants while battling “the suicide disease.” Gosh, do ya get a feeling that I might have a few things stacked against me?  Hehehe  No matter though – I will persist in this withdrawal.  The more I read about the major antidepressants out there, the more they frighten me.

For instance, in the very first trial of Cymbalta, one of the study patients committed suicide, but Lilly went on with the trials anyway, and listed that poor woman as a footnote in the study conclusion.  A FOOTNOTE!  WTF? 

Now all sorts of things are coming to light, how Paxil actually causes heart defects in developing babies, how newborns have a very tough withdrawal from antidepressants if the mother takes them, etc.  Poor little ones!  It is hard enough as a newborn to regulate your own temperature, to breathe correctly, to suck properly, then to deal with the horrors of antidepressant withdrawal.  Antidepressant withdrawal is so awful that it drives people to do horrid things, to imagine committing atrocious acts and in a few cases they actually follow through.  Remember Andrea Yates, who killed her five kids?  She was on antidepressants at the time.  The kids who shot up all their classmates in Columbine were on antidepressants too.  I am convinced that antidepressants are the DDT of my generation, and one day they will be banned.

If that isn’t enough, about six years ago my own shrink told me I should stop taking Paxil because it might be interfering with my fertility.  Gosh it doesn’t say anything about that in the patient insert?  What does she know that she isn’t telling me?  What the heck is in those things?  Shrinks say “Oh they aren’t addictive” but if you ever try to quit one of those antidepressants cold turkey, you are driven insane.  What is really scary is that the symptoms of withdrawal, the shocks, zaps, flashing lights, etc. disappear within one hour of taking another pill.  And that isn’t considered addictive?  Sounds pretty skewed to me!

A week ago I opened seven Cymbalta capsules and removed 10% of the little grains inside.  The trigeminal neuralgia flared up again.  So I’ll try another week or so on that dose and then try going down another 10%.  God help me, give me strength!

 

Christa

Back on the WWWagon

Today is my sixth day on Weight Watchers’ Turnaround Plan.  I decided to go with the POINTS program because it is what I’m familiar with.  See that little dip in my weight-loss graph? 

A few weeks ago a friend recommended The Firm exercise DVDs to me.  So I looked at what they had to offer at REI, where my husband works, and went with their Calorie Killer DVD.  Last night we tried it.  I say “we” because while I was jumping around like a spider on crack my husband was frantically trying to fold clothes, move toys out of the way and generally keep me from killing myself, in our very small living room.  It was sort of funny. 

After 30 minutes of the DVD I decided that the instructor was not really smiling at me, no she was actually grinning a very EVIL, very SMUG and NASTY little grin,  and I ran right out the door and around the block in the rain.  Wow!  That felt so much better than jumping up and down in my living room.  No matter how hard you pound your feet outside, the lampshades won’t tremble and make you feel like a two-ton cow. 

The best part?  My FEET!  They did not hurt!  Hooray, Hallelujah, Glory Be and Thank You God!  This past Tuesday I went to the podiatrist and he did an injection into my feet of a very thick steroid.  The pain was intense, to the point where the nurse brought out the smelling salts because I was about to pass out.  Oh my God was that something.  I guess it did the trick though because, like I just said, I ran around the block yesterday!  A full-on, pavement pounding run and it felt so GOOD!  I just hope I remember that great feeling later when I am bitching about not wanting to exercise.

Weight Watchers is different than it used to be.  The magazines are packed with advertisements about prescription drugs. I am not so sure I like that..... more on it later...

Onward and downward!

Christa

The big withdraw-AL

That's withdrawAL hon -- not withDRAWL.  We ain't talking slowly, K? That's a DRAWL... 

Yep I am in full-blown antidepressant withdrawal and lemme tell ya, it is HELL.  Inside my head there is a hive of angry bees.  Behind my eyelids are flashing white lights.  At the drop of a hat I will laugh, or cry or fly into a rage.  NOT PRETTY.  This stuff must be POISON to make me react that way.  WTF?  This is HELL, absolutely awful.  Lord let me remember this stuff if I EVER get told to take ANY of those freaky "new age" antidepressants. 

JUST SAY NO TO:
Celexa, Cipramil, Emocal, Sepram, Lexapro, Cipralex, Esertia, Prozac, Fontex, Seromex, Seronil, Sarafem, Fluctin, Luvox, Faverin, Paxil, Seroxat, Aropax, Deroxat, Zoloft, Lustral, Serlain,  and Serzone, Cymbalta or Effexor or ANY of those stupid stinkin seratonin-messin poisin for my brain drugs that make deaden my emotions, make me numb and fat fat fat like a buddha. 

The problem, I am increasingly convinced, is there is an enormous thyroid issue in the United States.  I do believe there is an epidemic of slight hypo-thyroid disease.  Not enough to show up on regular thyroid tests, but enough to make women depressed, their metabolism slow down, etc.  Just enough to make a problem. 

There is an established link between antidepressants and weight problems:

http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/links/doi/10.1111/j.1467-789X.2004.00139.x/abs/

Unfortunately that is the only study I can find right now but I've found others.  With my buzzy head from withdrawal right now it is a wonder I found Google.com.

Onward and into the bee swarm!
Christa

Owie owie

There is something wrong with my right foot.  This past week I went to see the doc and he said that it's a nerve issue and prescribed 600 mg/motrin 3 times a day.  (More freakin pills! )  Ok whomever you are that is messing with "the fate of Christa" lay off because this is NOT funny.  I WANT TO DO IT, I WANT to lose weight.   So let me exercise, dagnabbit! 

I wish I knew how to swim freestyle, but then again, we don't have a pool handy.  Or maybe I could ride a bike?  That would be fun.  Either way, something must be done!

On the prescription front, hooray I am down to 20 mg/Cymbalta a day.  No buzzy head yet, but I expect it to start any time.  If you know anyone getting ready to start any sort of "prozac-type" antidepressant, PLEASE PLEASE have them look up the side-effects first!  Some of them are extremely difficult to deal with and more trouble than they are worth.  Remember that a six months of therapy might be more expensive than one month of pills, but you will not end up with permanent nerve damage or "discontinuation syndrome."

Onward!
Christa

Smile and the world smiles with you,

cry and you cry alone!  Or is it, why are people who are eating usually happy?  Oh, that's only on TV at 9PM when I've already HAD my points allotment and I really NEED a Chalupa right in front of my face... argh <hangs head>

Ack, why can’t I get motivated, why can’t I have a happy face about this.  What happened back in 1997 that gave me the incentive to lose weight, and why can’t I find that now?

Earlier this week my shrink called to change my appointment to a different day, a later day.  I finally said to her that “I don’t like taking Requip” and that I have horrible PMS still even on the Cymbalta.  Her answer is that she can’t do much over the phone.  HELLO???  Like what does she want me to do in person that we can’t do over the phone?  Does she want me to do tricks or something?  *sigh*  So this week I am sneaking my Cymbalta dosage down from 40 mg/day to 20 mg/day and we’ll see how that goes.  Maybe I’ll be a stark raving lunatic bitch on wheels, or maybe not.  Maybe I’ll get my period and be all hunky-dory.  Or maybe I’ll end up pregnant, wouldn’t that be nice! 

Considering a prescription change

Time to take an honest look at my prescriptions and ask, do they help?

 Daily Meds  reupdated 10/4)

Cymbalta, ZERO mg/day (yippee!!)
Requip, 1 mg/day, because Cymbalta aggravates my Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) 
Prenatal Multi-vitamin
Nasonex for allergy issues 
600 mg ibuprofen, 3 x a day (for foot trouble)

Meds “in case of trouble” 
Skelaxin, for my neck/back, in case of pain or muscle tenseness 
Baclofen (neck/back pain) 
Lyrica (neck/back pain) 

Weight loss/assistance 
Hoodia 
Phentermine 

Let’s do a little analysis here.  I am approximately 50 lbs overweight.  This excess weight is causing a lot of problems, first of which is neck and back pain.  The biggest problem though is the depression.  The Catch-22 is that if I take Cymbalta, then it depresses my metabolism and I find it extremely difficult to lose weight.  Also the Cymbalta aggravates my RLS, so I have to take Requip, which I don’t like taking because it is some very strong stuff (used to treat Alzheimers patients).  Ok, let’s have a little discussion:

Whaaaa, I’ve been dealing with clinical depression my entire life, I HAVE TO take these meds to be “normal.” 

No you don’t, you don’t HAVE to do anything except pay taxes and die.

But the withdrawal from the Cymbalta is SO HARD.  You get the jolts, buzzy head, shocks, freaky feelings, nightmares, etc.  Just like with all those stupid "new age" antidepressants.  

So was the withdrawal from Paxil and you did that before.

 But I won’t be able to function on my job!  Whenever I don’t take antidepressants my work output suffers horribly! 

You think sitting around on you arse and blogging is helping your performance?  Get off your butt, something needs to be done! 

The shrink gave me a new prescription for 15 mg of Meridia instead of 10, maybe that will be the “magic bullet.” 

The only “magic bullet” is you making like a bullet to a gym and exercising, or doing something to raise your metabolism naturally while decreasing your caloric intake at the same time. No pill is gonna make you into Barbie overnight, sweetie.  You’ve tried them all, remember?  How many more is it gonna take? 

But she seems to think that I can take all these other meds and the Meridia and it will help me lose weight.  

She does not exactly listen to you when you say that you hate taking the Requip now, does she?  You might as well give up on taking that tact.  Maybe if you tell her that you can’t concentrate worth ****, that will help. 

But I’m not supposed to go off my meds without my doctor’s supervision. 

If your doctor is not listening to you, sometimes you need to take matters into your own hands.  

That is not right, it is precisely this “taking matters into my own hands” that has landed me with a medicine cabinet full of weight-loss pills and an arse the size of Kansas.

Ok, then tell her that you’re quitting. 

She will not like that. 

So, she is not living your life for you.  Tell her after you have already quit.  

She will REALLY not like that! 

You’re moving anyway, what’s it matter? 

Geez, you’re hard-headed. 

And so are you!

Childless people

Today my boss and I had a nice little “talk”.  Apparently people don’t want me bringing the baby to the office.   People who don’t have kids have no right to tell people who DO have kids how to raise their children.  The more I meet childless people, the more convinced I am that they are doing the world a favor by not spreading their genes.  If all smart alecks and back-stabbers stopped procreating, how much nicer the world would be, eh? 

And then there are the people on the other end of the spectrum, the totally paranoid moms who run after their kids with Lysol wipes, petrified that their little angel will accidentally touch a germ or something that might <GASP!> give him/her natural resistance!  Then they wonder why the kids have asthma and allergies so badly.  USE YOUR HEADS, people!  And not just to knock on walls, either! 

Ok enough ranting.  Lord have I ranted and raved on this blog.  My friends here, I'm sorry for not being the "kinder, gentler" Mom that I usually am, the unflappable secretary that doesn't let things get to her.  I'm not a bitter person, really, just a reactionary, I guess.  And a Democrat.

Sabotage by Prescription

Everything was going so well!  I was visiting my parents in the mountains and it is so beautiful there.  I was reading a book and my eyes had been traveling over one paragraph for at least 20 minutes so I decided that it must have been time for me to go to sleep – NOPE!  I went into the bedroom and proceeded to toss and turn for the next six hours until finally daylight came.  Of course my 21-month-old son woke up right at daybreak and wanted to play, so there goes any prospect of sleeping in.  He even has a shorter afternoon nap for some reason.  

No problem, sez I, I’ll catch up my sleep the next night.  Wrong again!  Once again I could not sleep.  When I reviewed everything that was going on, I came to the conclusion that it must be the Levaquin, the antibiotic that my doctor had prescribed for an antibiotic-resistant sinus infection.  When I Googled it, OMG the things that came up about Levaquin were horrifying.  BUT considering that I’ve had this damned sinus infection since JUNE I figure if I have to practically poison myself to kill it, so be it.  I have finally learned “the secret” to getting a good night’s sleep while on Levaquin:  drink all the water you can stand!  I am literally racing to the bathroom every 15 minutes from pounding down the H20.  Happily I have been sleeping snug as the rug bug! 

Only one teensy little problem – when I visited my folks I felt so awful about not sleeping, so strung out and crabby that I ate and ate and ate.  And I am still eating.  Bleh, this feels terrible.  So there you have it – you can be prepared for sabotage by friends, and certain events, etc but what about by prescription?  Nothing could have prepared me for that!

Reflections on 38 years

Today I turn 38, wow.  Talk about anti-climactic.  :)  Just another humdrum day at the office, but hey!  At least it's Friday, right?   
This morning I hopped on the scale and after being so "good" since Monday, I'm down one pound.  Hooray!   Of course I wish it was more but oh well at least the scale is going in the right direction.

There is so much reflection one does on a birthday, like "am I where I want to be" and all that stuff.  About 15 years ago I realized that I have almost no capacity to visualize the future.  People would say "where do you think you'll be ten years from now?" and I'd be totally stumped.  Fifteen years ago, good Lord what a mess I was -- dating a loser, unfaithful, always broke and drug-addicted dirtbag, struggling to make ends meet and on my way to being overweight but not quite there yet.  Thank God for therapy, eh?  I'd never have found the courage to leave him if it hadn't been for my therapist.

So now, where do I think I'll be in ten years?   Hopefully in Massachusetts raising two happy and healthy boys, growing some awesome, very fragrant roses and doing something with my life.  Maybe I will finally start on a college degree, maybe not.  Does it matter if everyone you talk to thinks you have a degree anyway?  <shrug>  

Whenever I reflect on the future and what I’m doing, it always turns my thoughts heavenward, towards God.  What would He think of my life, that I have been a secretary for 20 years and haven’t done much else?  I mean sure I was born again in 1995 but have I brought anyone into a closer relationship with Him?  I don’t think so and it bothers me.  Now I am not out to convert the whole world but still there is a reason it’s called the “Great Commission.”  Ack now I feel wretched.  Maybe I should not think about religion so much!

In 38 years, I’ve learned how to walk, talk, use the potty, read, write, spell, ride a bike, drive a car, type, do a tune-up, change a car battery, keep a job, care for myself by myself, knit, do needlework, make candle, cook, care for pets, have a baby and keep a marriage together.  Not too bad.  The last part especially is a humdinger.  Here’s a little clue – if you want to find marital bliss, you first must lose your pride.  My husband and I have had some serious screamfests, with items being thrown and tears and slamming doors and whatnot.  For a time there I even took the bedroom door off the hinges because I was sick of his slamming it.  But in the end, thanks to us being able to both swallow our pride, we have moved on. 

Two years until the big four-oh.  Somehow I always thought I’d be dead before now, that I’d get in some massive accident on the Beltway or go plunging off the Woodrow Wilson Bridge or something like that.  I think it comes from dealing with a lifetime of clinical depression.  Well lookee, I am still here and now I have a pretty decent life.  If you’d told me, 15 years ago, that my future would be like this, I would have laughed so hard I’d have fallen off the Woodrow Wilson Bridge .  Wow. 

Ok enough rambling, disjointed thoughts.  Next thing you know I'll be going on about the name of the law firm I heard on NPR this morning, "Harness, Dickey and Pearce."  Sounds pretty painful to me!

Onward and downward,  

Christa