Rotten day so far and it’s only 10am.

I was up 1.5 pounds this morning.  Why?  I have no idea.  I was totally on plan yesterday.  I’ve been taking the stairs, trying to be more active.  It was just the prelude to my day.

My husband and I are having a humongous fight.  We rarely ever argue, but when we do, they are doozies.  I’m thinking this might be it.  I’ve started looking for somewhere to move.  I thought we had a great marriage, but it seems all it was to him was a dual income.  Ok, we are in our 50s, empty nesters, and money has never been an issue for us.  If I want something, I buy it (within reason).  Hubby handles all of the money and pays all of the bills.  He is extremely conscientious about paying the bills so I never have to worry about something not being paid.  He also is very frugal, so I don’t have to worry about him going out and spending money we don’t have.   I happily hand over a generous portion of my paycheck to him for the bills, but keep at least $150 for savings.   I also make more money than he does.  Not by much, but I do.  We have a very comfortable life.

Now the problem.  His ex-wife is hounding us for money.  Her $1000 a month child support ended last June.  She has a drug problem, smokes cigarettes, and spends every dime she has as soon as she gets it.  She turned the oldest two sons against my husband and they will have nothing to do with him or his family.  The youngest son is 19 years old and takes classes at the community college.  Now this kid was in the top 2% SAT scorers in the NATION.  He could have had scholarships anywhere, but he was too lazy to fill out the applications.  So, now we are paying half of his college expenses.  His mother wants us to pay for his health insurance, car insurance and other expenses. 

I think his son should get a part-time job and help his mother with these expenses.  I also feel that if we contribute to more than college expenses, then my son (who is 20, works full time) should also get some sort of financial relief.  My son cannot afford cable, so he does not have TV.  I think if we start paying some of his son’s expenses, then we should pay for my son to have cable.  We gave his son a car.  When that car broke down, we bought him another car.  When that car needed repairs and maintenance, we paid for that.  When he needed money for school, we gave him that.  When he needed money for  bartending school (which he never went to), we gave him that.  We haven’t given my son one dime for anything other than Christmas or his birthday.  I don’t think this is fair.  My husband said it was my son’s choice not to go to college (a choice I wasn’t happy with) and is not entitled for any financial benefits from us.  I don’t agree.  If his son had some initiative and applied for scholarships, this would be a mute point.  The only time we see his son is when he needs money.  I told my husband that if he wanted to leave my son out of the checkbook, and just give his son money for his education, that would be fine.  But he seems to think he should still be giving money to ex-wife and I’m not going for it.  I was there for years while the $1400 a month went down to $1000 month.  My paycheck contributed to that.  It’s over now and I’m not going to do it anymore.  If his son gets more $$ for living expenses, then my son should too. 

My husband refuses to discuss our personal problems while at work.  He is now refusing to discuss them through e-mail.  I told him I wanted to separate our finances and I would be responsible for half of our bills and he could do whatever he wanted with his money and that’s when he cut off communication.  He told me that I could move out if I wanted too.  So, that’s where I am.  He refuses to talk to me and suggested that I leave. 

He did say, however, that tonight’s dinner is out and we will be going straight home.  Punishment for sticking up for my son.  I guess I’m done with this. 

The only positive is that I’m not hitting the candy dish.  So much for thinking that I was married to the most wonderful husband in the world.  I guess there is no such thing.

Just so you know...  In Pennsylvania, there is no requirement for parent's to pay for college.  Therefore, my former DH who makes multiple six figures, pays nothing for his son's 20 & 22 who are both in college, and will likely pay NOTHING for his two daughters 16 & 17 who are not far behind. (in 14 years I have NEVER gone back to court for an increase in support) He has two luxury vehicles, a second home, and recreational vehicles.  He and his wife are renewing their vows in Hawaii in two years (10 yr. anni), take cruises, etc.  As a result of this he has poor relationships with all but one child.

 

The fact that your DH is willing to pay something for children he has no relationship with is admirable.  However, your son should be included in the equation as well.  I agree.  ALL of the children should be accountable in some way.  My father actually pays for my kid's educations, but requires that they maintain a reasonable GPA.  The boys both work and are expected to pay for incidentals.  I pay for books, clothes, sundry items, etc.

 

Anyway, I understand your pain and anguish.  These are tough calls.  Blended families are a challenge.  Deep breaths...  If your life is with this man, try and find a way to meet in the middle.