So my week hasn't been great thus far, but I'm working on it. I just don't have time to blog about it now... I guess that means I can expect along long, boring blog :D
I did want to say one thing, that I'm really tired of skinny people equating fat with some sort of communicable disease, or some kind of hinderence to enjoying life. I'm not going to lie, I know first hand being overweight limits me--but usually just because people only see my fat, if that makes sense. Being fat hasn't limited too much of my physical activity, but it has limited what I've been able to do and accomplish, both at work and school, because people assume fat=stupid, or some other lame stereotype.
Not to rant, I just got finished reading an article in my college's newspaper, where the selling point of the article (about the dreaded freshman 15) is: "No one wants to ruin four years of fun by getting fat!" Because fat is the worst thing a college student can be (as opposed to being ignorant), or that fat will physically chain you up and prevent you from living as a college student. I've been a college student for four years now, fat for ALL four, and I've had plenty of good, enriching experiences--except when I deal with idiots like this!
And people wonder why overweight-folk have self-esteem issues!
Grragh. I'll be so glad to be through with this college!
Lunch / Afternoon snack: 2 helpings of goldfish crackers 16 oz water
... that's a terrible lunch, but that's all I was able to stuff in my backpack. I've been thinking of buying some of those shakes you're supposed to substitute meals with... they're small, easy to fit into a backpack and don't have to be refridgerated... I wonder if that would be good for days like today, where I'm at school all day.
School day lunches are hard. There's not a whole lot of room in my bag (I'm a senior, so it's literally fully of books), and going to my car really isn't an option (haha, the only bad thing about classes that don't start at the buttcrack of dawn is that you never find a parking space). And the only stuff they've got are in machines, or cookies and sugary coffee in the cafe. Or fried, nasty food in the UC. This, plus the fact I'm poor, means I don't buy lunch at school.
Has anyone tried those shake things? Are they worth it?
As much as I rag on Mondays, this semester they're actually pretty darn great. Since I don't have to drive myself, I get to eat breakfast, which always makes the day better. I don't have to work, and my classes usually aren't too bad on Monday. And I spend most of the day chilling at the library anyway, so.
Not loving the new EP. I haven't had time to look at all of it yet, and it's certainly very smooth... but it doesn't feel as homey. Maybe I'll warm up to it, I dunno. Not like it matters, I very much doubt there's EP reps frantically reading my blog and going, "Kairi doesn't like our new look? Oh-em-gee!"
I've been really tired lately. Mom said a woman she works with recommends the Diet Lipton Green Tea drinks, it's supposed to help "naturally" or whatever, so I thought I'd try one. I'm not super tired at this moment, but that might be because I just climbed three flights of stairs.
Breakfast: 10 baby carrots 1.5 glasses of GV POB 2 strings of cheese 1 iron pill (I have iron issues :P)
Morning Snack: 1 16.9 oz Diet Lipton Green Tea with "Mixed Berry"
Yeah, so far, not bad. Let's see if I can keep it up, yeah?
Happy talk like a pirate day, mateys. I was hoping my preacher would preach with a pirate accent, but no go :D
So it's not been a good couple days for food. Not that you can tell by my weight graph--I weighed myself today and came up five pounds lighter. So I figure all the bad stuff I've inhaled over the past couple days will come and bite me in the butt next week. Or maybe not, if I work hard enough.
I really wish I had wireless internet, so I could post everything I eat. Not because I think people would care to read it so much as it would force me not only to track what I'm eating, but to see how much, when, et cetera. But it's literally too much trouble with dialup.
This week hasn't even begun and it's getting busy. I'm hoping this means less opportunites to gorge! Or, at the very least, keep me so occupied, I can't focus on food. I think too much about it, because I'm so obsessed with losing weight. Oh well--you have to take the first step before you can walk, right?
I hate being one of those people who blog when they have nothing constructive to say, but I'm trying to force myself to remember EP. Because if I remember I have to weigh myself and look at that graph on my blog, I'll remember it when I'm tempted by the never-ending hordes of Oreoes that beseige my home.
Bascially, I'm touching base with myself. Especially after yesterday, where, after a long battle, the Oreoes won. But today hasn't been bad, and we're supposed to take it a day at a time, right? Right. Or at least that's what I'm going to hang on to at the moment.
On that note, I've managed to ignore the call of all the candy in the machine. So today, things are okay. I forgot to weigh myself yesterday, though, so I'll have to do it tonight, see how badly those Oreo bastards reeked their revenge.
Because of a certain event that looms before me in December (not Christmas), I'm trying to refocus and concentrate my efforts on losing as much weight as is safely possible beforehand. I'm hoping to have 270 in my sights. Which is pathetic, because the last time this event rolled around I was somewhere in the 250-65 range, and I swore then I'd lose weight before it came 'round again. You can see how well that worked out.
I forgot to weigh yesterday. Sunday's my normal day, but my mother (whom I am attempting to lose weight with) wasn't home and i just... forgot. So I'll weigh when I get home from school tonight. I'm not holding out a lot of hope, because this was a terrible, awful, rotten, no-good week, emotionally and food-wise.
My free time (re: time that isn't devoted to working, classes, homework and sleeping) is extremely limited, and is going to shrink even further as the semester progresses, as I have two classes that have even yet to begin. And in one of my classes, I'm going to have a huge research project due, which annoyingly, is of the type you really can't perpare for beforehand. But I'm going to try and make an honest effort to exercise every single day, even if it's only for twenty minutes. I'm not sure what good twenty minutes will do me, but I guess I could try it for a week or two and see if it helps. If it doesn't, I'll try to wrest more time for it.
Despite my numerous financial woes, I'm going to try and buy a treadmill as a Christmas gift to myself. I work at Wal-mart, so I'd get a discount. And, at Christmas, you get a special gift certificate to get an extra 10% off a single item (if they don't forget to fail to mention you get said certificate). It would still play hell with my finances, but I thought it might be worth it. I don't like being watched, especially when I work out. I have nosey neighbors, some of which are downright nasty, and I just haven't been able to work through it to go outside and work out. Yes, I know this is terrible and I shouldn't give a rat's fart, but apparently I do. So I'm hoping a treadmill will help. A treadmill that actually works, anyway. I've got one right now, but it's top speed allows me to walk a mile in a little over an hour. I don't have that much time to deticate, and I'd like to move fast anyway, so the thing's practically useless.
I meant for this to be a short entry, but oh well. I'm trying to keep track of my food, so far today I've had:
Breakfast:
2 bananas, cut up
1 8oz glass of skim milk
Mid-morning snack:
1 med. slice of banana bread
I'm actually doing a quasi-South Beach thing, and they don't want me to eat bananas, but I needed something quick and they were going bad anyway. Plus, I've been having some muscle issues and I figure they could only help. So thusfar the report's not wonderful, but it's not godawful, either. I take my victories where I can find them.
So I haven't blogged since February. Actually, to be accurate, I haven't blogged or engaged consistently with this website for more than a year. My weight loss plans have fallen by the wayside, quite obviously, since I'm inching my way to the big three-oh-oh. Or should I say pounding? Either way, it doesn't matter. In my colossal battle of wills against the univserse, genetics, my own pigheadedness and self-confidence issues, I'm losing. And I'd rather win, for a variety of reasons. So once again, I'm jumping onto the weight loss carousel.
This year has been crap emotionally, everything's wrong or off or numb. Yesterday I had to put down my cat, which sucked for a bunch of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I'd had him for over half my life and I'm going to miss the little bugger terribly. Pile school woes and work issues on top of that, add a little familial pressure/discord/miscommunication and life is purty peachy. Only less peachy. I"m not getting much sleep or sleeping well, which not only exasterbates the problem, but also hinders my weight loss efforts. This year hasn't been a total loss, in regards to weight loss. About two months ago I really put an effort into losing weight and lost 12 pounds. I ended up gaining that back plus two, but at the time it was great.
I obviously didn't lose the 23 pounds I'd planned to before I turned 23. So I had to change my blog title. Right now it's "Half of Who You Are" because I want to lose pretty much 50% of my current body weight. It's a lame name, but it's all I've got at the moment. I'll have to think of something more interesting, and more tailor made to myself.
The key to my losing weight isn't what I do or don't eat, or how much I do or don't exercize. The key is controlling my emotions. When something bad happens to me, I turn to food, or at least stop thinking about it to the point of, if I eat a whole pint of ice cream, I don't always stop and register to go, "Hmm, this isn't a good idea." I can be really good on a quote/unquote "diet" (I don't really believe in diets, but that's an idea for a different post), sometimes even for weeks or months at a time, but then I hit that emotional speedbump and by the time I get over it, I've got 10 extra pounds to lose. Oh well, slowly but surely I must be learning. Or I hope so. Because I can't take much more of this.
Wow, that's enough ranting for one blog. Now that I have decent internet access again (dialup sucks, as if everyone didn't already know), I should be able to blog more. Hopefully, this will help.
I've decided to take up drinking. But since vodka's too expensive, I'm making due with water. This isn't a great leap for me, it's not a sacrifice or anything, so no kudos necessary. I drink soda only once in a while, mostly I'm drinking milk or water. I've just decided to try and drink even more water than I'm drinking now. Consistently, and while I'm at home. Milk prices are breaking me.
I have found I am not only a bored eater, but also an emotional eater, as well as a cued eater. These three things are killing me. Although, I have to say, it's about the only thing I can say about college that is good for me right no. I've been making sure I carry no cash so I'm not tempted to get a fruit snack out of the vending machines (also, to save money, since I have little). So I'm eating basically what I carry with me, which isn't a lot. While carrying around my laptop and 50lbs of books, as well as the 280lbs of ME, I don't really feel like carrying much else. So I'm not eating nearly as much, even when I AM bored. Which is good. Except now I'm eating later, since I don't get home until later. That needs to stop, but I figure one step at a time.
This blog doesn't make any sense, but it doesn't have to, it's more a note to me. So that hopefully one day this will sink in and I can burn these pounds off.
And with another busy semester ahead of me, I don't see any weight being lost, either. Sure, call me a pessimist, remind me how much attitude comes into play. I've repeated all the mantras to myself over the past eight years, and here I am, hovering mere pounds before the almighty 300.
I so angry I could cry, I'm so sad I could curl into a ball and sit for enternity.
Basically that's it, I'm not dead. Between going to school full time and working pretty much all of the time I'm not in school, I haven't had a lot of time lately. The late-semester meltdown is upon me. Whoo, bring on the ulcers!
I haven't been trying to lose weight lately--in all honesty, it's been what I can do to remember to brush my teeth before falling into bed at night. But I try to do little things--small portions, walking whenever possible and the like--and so far it's been pretty okay. At least, the past two weeks I've lost a pound. Which is encouraging. I wish I had the time and energy to focus on eating healthy (not just small) and exercising.
As it is, I really just want to go back to sleep. College, the "best years of my life," are really just turning out to be a 4 year experiment on sleep deprivation.
