Half of Who You Are

A social experiment

My Profile

  • Name: Kairi
  • City: High Ridge
  • Region: Missouri
  • Country: United States

My Weight Loss

Height: 162.6cm
Start weight: 326.00lb
Current weight: 315.00lb
Goal weight: 150.00lb
Lost to date: 11.00lb
Remaining: 165.00lb

My Calendar

May '15
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My Photos

Before After

My friends list

Motivation problems. Again.

Motivate me, I wanna get myself out of this bed.
Captivate me, I want good thoughts inside of my head.
("Motivation Proclamation," Good Charlotte)


I am having a horrible problem with motivation. I am so off track that it feels like I'll never be in step with my healthy tendencies again. I blame myself completely--not for lacking willpower, because I'm not sure I believe willpower exists--but for letting other people's negativity and narrow-mindedness seep into my bones, into every grey cell in my skull. I let myself be pushed around by other people's expectations. I keep telling myself to be a hurricane, but in short, I'm not even a drizzle on a grey day.

I'm still with WW. I love my leader but I haven't been on program for awhile. Which is frustrating, because it's a waste of $40 every month I could be using to help with my massive student loans. Or, I don't know, I could use it to see a movie or something with friends and pretend I had some semblance of a social life. You know, something like that. I'm giving myself this month to make a real effort before I decide whether to quit or not. Part of me is motivated by the money it costs, because while $40 may not be a lot to some, it's a small fortune to me! And I would love, love, love to get my 10%  keychain - which isn't something you can buy. But my 10% (well, for WW) is currently 18lbs away. I can’t lose that in a month, but if I can get close, I might stay in for another month to see if I can lay hands on it.

My problem is mental, completely. My body is tired of junk and of non-activity, but my brain hasn’t gotten the message. Society says, in quiet, insidious ways, that overweight people are worthless, somehow less than human, or less valuable than other people. I’ve allowed myself to be cowed by this lie. I don’t wake up every morning and thing, “Gee, I’m fat and therefore worthless,” not outrightly. No, it’s not until I examine my behavior that I realize I’ve bought into it—wearing sweaters so my unsightly fat rolls are less visible, crossing over a grocery lane (under the guide of being polite, but really, it’s just assumed I’ll move because I’m the lower-class citizen because I obviously can’t control myself), and a thousand other ways that cut into the heart of me.

So it’s back to goals. I want to start small but strong. Water is a huge thing—I’m overheated at work and need to drink more than I do. Plus, if I’m properly hydrated, I’m less likely to mindlessly snack on things I shouldn’t. So water goes on the list—at least 2l a day to start with. I want to blog on here at least once a week, to keep myself focused. I thought about making a fitblr for support, but honestly, most fitblrs are kind of judgmental unless you want to convert to being some kind of classification of vegetarian or vegan. I’m not saying vegetarianism or veganism shouldn’t be an option, I’m just saying it’s not for me, and I dislike being judged because of that fact. For a community preaching about tolerance and diversity, it can (but not always!) be fairly small-minded. I get enough of that in the real world.

I have been thinking about starting a Couch to 5k program, for a variety of reasons. One, I feel to jumpstart my journey, I need to do something radical. Unfortunately, I can’t afford most of the “radical” things I would like to try, and C25K is free. Can’t beat free! I’ve always wanted to keep jogging and running for if I lost fifty pounds, because I’ve always heard that you can do more harm than good if you’re too overweight. I was an athlete for many years, and I think I can judge the “good” hurts from “bad,” and am so willing to try. I was also humiliated when recently a friend invited me to participate in a “Run for Your Life 5k/obstacle” course (wherein you’re evading “zombies”), and I realized, besides not being able to pay the entry free, I realized I couldn’t, even though I dearly wanted to. So I’m going to train at my own pace and get ready, so I never have to feel like that again.

Of course, then I feel guilty every time I have a negative-motivational thought such as that, because I think it reinforces that I should be ashamed of myself. Weight loss is a journey, and it’s a struggle—a struggle that no one who hasn’t walked down that road can truly understand. My best friend used to liken it to beating a drug addiction only harder, because you can live without heroin or meth, but try living without food.

So, this week: water and C25K. Let the motivation begin!



"An arrow reaches its destination
only after it is pulled back.
So if life pulls you back with difficulties,
it is going to launch you into victory.
So stay calm and keep aiming."

That's not the exact way I remember that quote going, but apparently it's the best variation that google can find for my addled brains.

It's been a while since I've posted... mostly because I don't have time to maintain anything, much less a weight loss blog. But I still post here sometimes because it makes me feel connected.

As I previously said, I joined Weight Watchers in April. After losing 25lbs safely over the course of three months, I ended up quitting one of my part-time jobs for a full time job. My new job is stressful and, even though I was still a WW member, I didn't weigh in, track my eating, or anything, for almost three months. I've gained about 13 lbs? Something like that. I'm back over 300, and I'm not fitting well into my clothes anymore. Sad panda moment.

The past couple weeks have been a rollercoaster for me, emotionally, physically...you name it, I've been throwing up my hands and screaming for dear life at every turn. I think I'm in a better place now. I've been trying to right myself spiritually, and being more closely aligned to God and how He wants me to be... that's giving me a sense of balance, of peace. Just like my weightloss journey, I'm not there, not by a long shot. But I feel like it's a good start. Or restart. Whatever.

I lost this week, even though I didn't track, and I had a couple bad days. I've been trying to pay more attention to my actual body: am I really hungry? Do I just have a taste for something? I'm getting better at reading myself, even though I don't always pay attention.

My goals this week are simple: drink 3L of water every day, to write down everything I eat (even if I don't "track" it points-wise), to be active at least 10mins every day, and lose 2lbs. With as large as I am, I don't think it's unreasonable to shoot for 2lbs a week, at least for the next month or so. I'm gearing up to restart my exercising. I'm going back to dancing, because even if I was sore or looked foolish, it was fun.

Thanks. Just had to get that off my chest.

Under 300

Lost another pound this week, so I'm under 300. It feels weird, I've only lost 21lbs but sometimes it feels like a lot, sometimes it feels like a drop in a very big bucket.There are changes to my body, but I don't know if they're real, or just in my head.

Today, as I was driving home from my WW meeting, it hit me that I was under 300. I've been excited about it for the past week - I ordered my "20lbs/under 300" motivation reward - but it didn't really hit me until then. I am still thinking of myself as that 320 girl. I'm not her. Sure, I may not get my one to two pounds a week, some weeks I might stay the same or even go up after weeks of hard work. But my weight is now 200-something.

My mind is kind of blown.

Six years and 54lbs

I've been a member of ExtraPounds for six years (or I will be in two weeks). This is amazing to me, because I've managed to accomplish so little in that time period, and not just in terms of weight loss. 

When I joined EP I was 21 and weighed 273. At my heaviest weight--some time in January of 2010--I was 326.5. That's 54 pounds MORE than when I began. Talking about discouraging! 

In 2010, I did manage to lose a little weight on my own. I managed to get down to 304.5 in November of that year. While 22lbs is certainly nothing to sneeze at, I managed to gain most of it back. 

Today was my official weigh-in day, and I weighed in at 305.5. I've lost 13lbs since joining WW. I'm not saying WW is perfect, or that it's for everybody, but so far, their new program is helping me do what I've been struggling with for years: change how I look at food. I know 13lbs is a lot to lose in 3 weeks but I'm not worried yet. With as heavy as I am, and my unhealthy eating habits (especially concerning the timing of meals, with my weird schedules at both my jobs), I figured that the first month or so, I'd lose more than what's considered normal. I expect to even out to 1 or 2lbs a week after that, so like I said, not worried.

I know I've overturned many a leaf in my lifetime, but this does feel different. Maybe it's because of WW, maybe it's because I've got a support system (my sister and mother are also trying to overhaul their eating habits with me!), I don't know. Maybe I'm just still optimistic because it's all still "new," and I'm still losing weight. But I think not. I think change is here to stay.

8lb victory

Lost 8 pounds my first week on WW, despite being out of town all weekend. I tried to make sensible eating decisions and to move more. Between the long walk and the trampoline, I did okay. Or 8lbs okay.

This week has been harder. I'm still trying to eat responsibly and to move every day. I know I cannot expect another 8lb loss, but I am aiming for two pounds. If I can lose 2 pounds, I will have lost 10lbs all together. I'll be within 3lbs of leaving the 300's behind FOREVER. And, what's more, is that I will have lost 5% of my body weight. That was my first goal.

Something new in OneTwo

I have been saying this for years and I've managed to do it for brief spates of time, but I'm determined that 2012 be my year--in more than one way. But in terms of this blog, I'm going to make changes to my life. Big changes!

At one of my jobs, they're trying to get people to join the WW group there. I tried WW once when I was 16ish, but I didn't get too far. It was on me, because at the time I think I was just embarrassed about the whole thing. But the ladies in this group are pretty great and the leader seems unfailing positive but not in a "kill it with fire" sort of way. Plus, my job will reimburse half of the cost if I stay in the program for the full 12 weeks. I don't have a lot of money right now (in fact, at this very moment, I have $8.65 in my checking account until I get paid next week), but I've decided to go ahead and do it. My health has to be a higher priority, even if it means scrimping even further. 

I've had some personal setbacks already this year, but I am, through the power of Christ, moving through it. A fellow EPer was kind enough to comment on my last post, and when I visited her blog, I saw that she'd posted a sort of "to do" list for 2012. I've decided to take a similar tack.

  • Win my church group's Biggest Loser competition (ends in March)
  • Lose 10% of my body weight before K's wedding (May)
  • Lose 10 additional pounds before my birthday (June)
  • Lose 15 more pounds before my August rafting trip
  • Lose 10 pounds before H's wedding (October)
  • Lose 30 more pounds before Christmas
  • To do something active every day
  • Swimming lessons
  • To learn how to run (for joint safety reasons, I'm waiting until I lose some weight before I tackle this beast) 
  • WARRIOR DASH 2012!!!
I'm going to have to figure out some rewards to motivate myself. Trouble is, finding things that aren't food-centric. I would like to do something for every 5lbs lost, but I don't have a lot of $$. Otherwise, I could just buy myself books and new jeans every time I went down a dress size :P

Well, I feel ready to take this year by the balls and yank. Who's with me?

Another year of being fat

I have noticed a pattern of weight in my life. Every July, whilst floating down a river in a canoe, I count the days until Christmas and say, hey, I could lose 50 pounds by Christmas if I really tried. Of course, 50 pounds means I'd need to still lose 150 more, but hey, 50 pounds is 50 pounds, right? So I'm good for a week, and then something comes up and my healthy eating habits run out the window. I'm not saying I'm reaching for the fried chicken and ice cream, it's more like, my work schedule is screwed up for X reason so I'm eating really late at night. Or payday is two weeks away and fresh produce is out of the question completely, and I'm living on ramen because it's $0.16 a package and still barely in my budget.

So the holidays come and go, usually leaving me a present of 5-15pounds around my middle (or, most recently and embarrassingly, on my back!). I tell myself that new resolutions never work, so I'll keep it on an even keel until February first and then start a new regime. My goal is ostensibly 50 pounds I break it up so it's easier to chew. 10 pounds before X date. Then the same thing happens and before I know it, it's July again. 

Where am I going with this? I'm going, believe me. Here's the crux.

I'm a writer that doesn't write. To try and push myself, to give myself deadlines, I'm putting together a blog. Here in lies the problem. My blog would be about life as I saw it. No big problem, right? Except the weight thing. If I announce in my blog that I'm going to lose weight, it puts pressure in all the right places and gives me a deadline, goals, inspiration and blah blah blah. But there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to do it. Here on EP, no one knows me by my real name, so it's "safe." But safe hasn't helped me lose pounds, if that makes sense. I think chronicling my weight loss journey (successes AND failures) would motivate me. But there's a big but here, and I'm not talking about my own caboose. 

I don't like people knowing I'm trying to lose weight. I don't like people judging me. Get over it, I know you're saying. You're doing this for them, not for you. And you're right. I am. I want to lose weight to be healthier, to do some of the things I used to do but can't now (I miss you, rollercoasters!). To do new things (hello skydiving!). But by including weight into my blog, I'm concerned that people will see me as just another fat girl and not pay attention to any of the other things I might be sharing (such as links, book reviews, or anything else really). I know this world is unfair and that I can't change that, but still... the thought of being totally discounted just because of my weight hurts. It hurts in my every day life; I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to put up with it online, too.

Coward? Yes, I know. But at some point, it just gets to a point where I'm tired of being hurt. 

Pacing the snail

According to the plan to lose 26x26, I am nine pounds behind. But I lost 2.5 pounds this week, so I'm taking encouragement from that. I've been working six days a week for the past three weeks, anywhere from 50-60 hours a week at two jobs, on top of my other obligations (instructing, classes, etc.). I've been really stressed and I will definitely cop to emotional eating.  I have been putting forth an effort to restrain myself in terms of the emotional eating, but I haven't tried to make myself by physical outside of class because, frankly, it would just be too much at the moment. 

The Mother's Day rush at job #2 will be over soon, and then I will start making myself be physical (or at least guilt myself when I'm not). Even though I'm not under the 300lb mark, I'm getting season tickets to Six Flags anyway. The way I figure it is, a season pass pays for itself if I go for 1.5 days. Since I'm not exactly rolling in the money, buying the ticket seems expensive, but it provides ample opportunity not only for cheap entertainment this summer, but also exercise. I mean that literally, since I can't afford to eat within the park, so the junk food is not much of a factor. And all the good stuff is at opposite ends of the park, so there is a lot of walking, climbing, or even swimming in the water end of the park.  

Hopefully, this will be a good thing. Even if it doesn't help me lose weight, at least I get to ride rollercoasters! 

Still here

I'm still here, just been busy. I dropped 1.5 lbs this week, but I'm not sure how much of that was luck, and/or blood loss. Either way, I'll take it. It is, however, slightly discouraging that I'm 3/4 done with my challenge to lose 20lbs before Christmas, and I've only lost 3 lbs. I'm 10.5 lbs behind.

I guess I should reverse this point of view and say, I am at least 3 lbs from where I started, and that's 3lbs less than I will have to lose again, so it's not all bad. 

I will keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other. It's all I can do these days.

Insert post title here

I'm back on my water regimen. I don't know if that's the cause of my 3lb loss, but I'm inclined to doubt it, since I've only been back on the wagon for two days. I'm 7lbs away from my goal. 7lbs is not a whole lot, but I'm trying to eat into the headway (figuratively eat, not literally). I don't want to fall so behind that I feel like I can't win. Because I know I totally can.

I've decided that if I can meet my goal (20lbs by Christmas), I'm going to buy myself one of the journals I've been eyeing at Barnes and Noble. If I lose more than my goal, I'm buying myself a book, too. If I meet my bonus goal (kind of unrealistic at this point but hey, a girl can dream, right?), I'll break down and buy one of the out-of-print books I've been looking at online. 

Let's hope that, in addition to meeting my weight goals by Christmas, I can meet my "getting-another-job" goal, too, because I need money to fund my rewards program :D