So the past few days I've been worried about being pregnant. Not that pregnancy would be a crucial thing in my life. I have a great husband and a "princess" three year old. But I am finally going back to school.... and I loveee it. I haven't gotten accepted into RN school yet, still working on my pre-reqs. And RN school is two years by itself. Not including the wait time it takes to get in. So point being I'm not ready to have another bundle of joy in my life again. We'd work it out if I was but it'd be almost impossible for  me to stay in school.

     Anyways, while I was worried about being pregnant I had this die hard attitude about eating right and what not to keep my baby and myself from and short term or long term effects of me being overweight already. So once it was determined that I wasnt pregnant all I could do is sit and contimplate why I could once again.. lose weight for someone else but not myself. It's my body. I def. want to be healthier and more fit and less out of breath. But why does it always have to be because of someone else? Why can't I want to lose weight for me. I deserve it .. I know I do. I can do it... I know that too. So why not just do it? There's some many positives for myself to lose the weight now instead of waiting until I'm older.

     Why do I constantly worry about what someone else thinks of ME. Why do I care so much? When I was phsyically fit and I don't mean 105... I mean like 145 very atlhletic figure; I didn't care what ANYONE thought. So what's changed. Has this mommy and wife lifestyle given me a comfort zone that I can't get out of. Or do I just feel less important than I once did? Why is it that I am always congratulating someone else for the weight loss they accomplished but at the same time I don't think it's within grasp for me to reach it.

     I LOVE food. I do emotionally eat but I just love the taste of food period. The taste of the juices flowing in your mouth when you taste that amazing flavor in your mouth. Ughh... my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I also have this attitude set in my brain that if I don't eat all of it then and there or quickly... it will be lost forever. Never for me to taste that flavor again. How horrible my life would be without that flavor.. but would it really? Would I really be miserable without my foods in my life? Maybe for a while I'd really miss it. But if I spent less time on focusing on what I was going to eat and more time on things like my house, my family, and school would it be more prosperous than it already is?  I remember that I use to have this wonderful Mexican resteraunt that I ate at seriously at least twotimes a week back home. I missed this place for literally YEARS and no other mexican resteraunt compared. But now.. I can't even remember what the food tasted like. I know it was good. But I can't recognize it in my memory anymore.

     Maybe that is what weight loss is all about. More than fighting temptation. But realizing that after the you fight those urges it will be ok. It will be ok to just have a little of your favorite food and not gobble it down like it's the last food your ever going to see again. Maybe after that intial struggle, which reminding myself again.. might take years... it would click. I wouldn't be so dire. And I could prosper in other places that where at once just mediocer. Is it possible? Well.. I am about to find out. A long term experiment shall I say.

     This will be where I write down all my obnoxious thoughts and all my victories. And maybe this well help me realize how much is really possible even outside of weight loss. And then maybe one day I will be able to help other people in my frame of mind find a way out.