Tiny Steps, Big Results

Lots of Weight Takes Lots of Time

My Profile

  • Name: nikki2005
  • City: Moscow
  • Region: Idaho
  • Country: United States

My Weight Loss

Height: 172.7cm
Start weight: 307.00lb
Current weight: 275.00lb
Goal weight: 135.00lb
Lost to date: 32.00lb
Remaining: 140.00lb

My Calendar

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December '14
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My Photos

Before After

Tales of a workout bunny

I have spent quite a bit of time working out today, and I don't know why. I just felt like it. I did my abs ball workout this morning after I walked the mile to the hospital to have my blood test. Then I did another 5 minute ab workout. Then I hopped on an elliptical for 33 minutes. Then I went to the mall and walked around,and bought a new pillow. When I got home, my Turbo Jam videos were here. I popped in the learn and burn video and did that. Needless to say I have burnt many calories today and am glad! Yeah. I start work tomorrow too!

Sometimes I hate being a girl

It's my TOM, boo. This is the first one I've had since I began taking my hypothyroidism medication at the beginning of the month. I wasn't expecting it since I've never had very regular ones. I am in so much pain though. The cramps are bad and I don't feel like doing anything, much less all of my homework I put off due to hosting new students. I feel fat and gross. At least though I'll get all my water in. It's only 5:10PM and I've already drank 6 glasses. I decided to purchase a nalgene type bottle to aid in the water drinking. Now I've just got to work on getting in 10,000 steps everyday. Right now I usually get 6,000 steps that are not including the strides I make on the elliptical.

 

This is Stan...I made him with the Play-do my mom sent me. I needed some stress relief and a good laugh!

Why I Love My Mommy and Daddy

I know I'm almost 21, but I think I'll never stop needing my parents or loving them. My mom sent me an Easter basket, which although it just arrived today was very thoughtful. My mom knows me well because she sent me a monthly planner, which is kind of ironic because I haven't discussed any of my goals with her. She also sent me some fat free candy and other dessert items like 100 calorie pack cakes and cookies which I love, and although not Jenny I can splurge a little can't I? She also sent me an egg that hatches into a chicken, its in water right now growing. And play-doh for stress relief. And scratch tickets because I love them and the best part of all my daddy gave me a plastic egg from him which was holding benjamin franklin. Since I only have like $14 until I start work (training starts on Tuesday) this is good. So yeah mommy and daddy. I know this sounds like I'm spoiled rotten and a brat, but I'm not really. I've heen working since I was 14 and I buy my own everything. So the fact my mom did all this for me makes me very grateful. To the gym. I ate gummy bears (cheater, cheater, cheater) that I have to work off.

Lots of Good Things

It's only 3:30 PM, but today has been a very good day. First off, my weigh in was a sucess. I'm down three lbs in about 10 days. I currently weigh 284, yeah! That's 23 lbs. I never plan on seeing again, so go me. Next, I went to check my mail. My mom sent me a care/Easter package with fat free and sugar fee candy, which is limited free, so I want it.  It's not here yet, but my abs ball I ordered from Jenny Craig was, yeah! I just finished the 12 minute workout and I could feel it. I'm going to go put in 45 on the elliptical in a little bit. I'm going to wait until our new hostees get here to see if they want to go since they have a pass. It's a nice facility, our rec center, so I though it would be nice to offer. And drumroll please....................I GOT THE JOB! I am thrilled. I didn't know I would be so happy, but I'm glad I'll have some extra money now. So, today has been wonderful, and I need to unleash this excitement somewhere and what better place then the gym. Also, I bought some cheese from the convience market downstairs last night because I was upset about the party..and I was going to eat it (and its not fat free or reduced anything) since I love cheese and I am an emotional eater, but I didn't. I esentially told myself its the night before weigh in and it's not worth it please eat something else that won't sabotage yourself...so I had a bannana instead. Go me! Needless to say I am very happy now, and at least the snow isn't getting me down anymore because I am Superwoman!

The Not So Fun Party

I just got done working the door at the welcoming party for new incoming Freshmen for next year, and it was not fun. The problem was is that not everyone who agreed to work showed up, leaving me with the responsibility of set up, work during the party, and clean up, it basically sucked. There is no other way to put it. I didn't have fun, and I was starving. We had cookies and cheese and crackers in our building (it was a multiple building event) and I wanted some bad. I managed to avoid them for the most part, knowing that tonight I actually got to eat cheese as part of my menu, so that was good. I have little desire to do anything, including going to the gym. i should though. The good thing is that I got all my food in yesterday, but slacking on the water. I also got a good work out too, which is what I was most worried about. I am also really nervous to find out about my interview tomorrow. At least it will be Friday.

Frustration

Nothing was particularly horrible about today, but for some reason I feel bad. Maybe I'm just stressed and out of it, I'm not realy sure. I do have a confession to make though. I have a sleeping problem. I slept the day away, including through my classes, which hurts. I went to bed earler last night so it's kind of sad that I couldn't no make that wouldn't get out of bed. I didn't eat all the fruit on my menu today, and I did a little bit of walking, but missed the gym today which all and all doesn't make me happy. To make things worse, our toilet seat is broken. I'm having problems with the motivation to complete my to do list even though I have the time. I just don't feel right. It seems the only things that is going good in my life is weight loss. I'm going to try not to look at the scale until my weigh in on Friday.

Also, hopefully I'll have my normal counselor back. I do Jenny Craig direct due to the absence of a center near my college. I can't wait until school gets out though. I'll be able to go to a real center. This will be good for me in terms of saving money (shipping is $80 extra per month) and being more motivated because someone is seeing me. Plus, I'll have a different menu too. Anyways, it'll be summer too, yeah! It looks like the snow is done here though, just cold. I want it to be warmer so I can walk outside comfortably. I can only hope.

On a more positive note I ordered some new fitness equipment. I'm expecting an abs ball and turbo jam from beach body. I've heard good things about it, so hopefully it will be good. If not I can always return it. On a more personal note, I'm having skin problems again. I already have sun damage which never seems to go away. In the cold weather I have dry skin. I want to go back to high school, I had a clear completion and less redness from the sun. Sad. I think it will help if I remember to wash my face everyday. Which I don't. There are a lot of things I need to start doing everyday.

Even better, I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. I needed a part time job before classes, so hopefully I'll get it. If not though, it's okay. I'm keeping my fingers crossed though.

My final 21 days goal

I feel really good about making some tangible short term goals. Believe me, I am not one to make any goals for myself, short or long term. In the past my idea was basically get up and function, see what happens today. I believe weight loss is a process that involves more than nutrition and exercise. I see it as a process involving food, body, and mind. I've managed to start working on the first two, but to be completely honest my mind is what needs the most work. This is why I created my 21 days goals, esentially three weels from now I want to be...I even made a list and tacked it to my wall right above my desk in my bedroom that I sit at everyday, where I am sitting right now in fact.

So, by April 10, 2008 I want to do the following daily:

     1. maintain a healthy lifestyle, including following my Jenny Craig menu and accumulating at least 30 min. of activity daily

     2. develop a positive self image

     3. improve my academic habits to the best of my abilities

     4. improve my organization habits

I am well on my way with my academics. I spent a grand total of 22 hours studying for one class that I was severly behind on over the weekend. I watched no television. I did go see Horton Hears A Who on Saturday and you should take your kids if you have them, and don't worry you'll like it too. So I am caught up on my corrections class now, almost (I'm a Justice Studies major) I need to do well on my test because I was failing at mid-terms last week, but there are still 70% of the points left to earn (I did badon my first test).

I am beginning to see the positive things weight loss has done for my body. For one, I have more energy. I still struggle with my sleep, but I am keeping a sleep diary for this week. I like to evaluate the amount of quality sleep I am getting each night. Let me tell you. It wasn't good last night. I went to bed at 3:15 am (I don't get into bed until I am tired,otherwise I lie in bed doing nothing) Yet, I didn't fall asleeo until nearly 5 this morning, I would have slept a little later to compensate, but my best friend called at 8:30 and since I don't get to talk to her very often...needless to say, I should be getting plenty of sleep tonight, I'll be feeling great for my test tomorrow. Now hopefully I am prepared.

My last goal, organize myself, is more difficult than it sounds. I am highly scatter brained, but I didn't use to be. I am forgetful, and quite frankly, lazy. That's the appropriate term lazy. I never follow through anymore. At times I act liked a beached whale..read couch potatoe. I spend far too much time in frony of the televison and on the infamous myspace among other things (I am only 20) So no more television in the day and limited to a few choice shows during primetime, really I only need lost and Grey's Anatomy which luckily for me have no new episodes until April 24 which gives me plenty of time to organize myself in get into better habits. Another possible solution I came up with is to create a daily to do list in which I follow through. I made one today and albeit I have only checked off one thing, its's one more thing than I did yesterday (well I stuudied,but that is an irregular habit). I think that posting my goals on ep will give me the opportunity to beheld accountable even if it is by some intangible audience. Plus, I know you'll comment with questions about my progress because all of this is oh SO interesting.

Needless to say my focus is on my mind right now. I will be trying to post everyday about my activities in the food. body, and mind categories. I will talk about yesterday now since my brilliantly reflective post got deleted when I pushed the preview button to check for gramatical issues which I won't be doing again, lol. So bear with my typos and errors.

So yesterday I managed to get all of my food in, including vegetables (which I amnot a big fan of, any recipe ideas or suggestions appreciated). Even though it took me until one in the morning due to sleeping in until noon (naughty me) Drunk roomates kept me up late and I don't drink due to a liver enzyeme problems and no desire to consume liquid calories. That and a tall boy red bull which isn't great for me, but I needed a study pick me up. at least it was sugarfree, which according to my jc dining out guide is a free food technically....anyways I didn't make it to the rec center, but I did get in my Hip Hop Abs, which at least was 30 mins. of cardio and I did some tricep work and overall body toning including holding my body up for ten seconds at a time on my forearms in pushup position which is a intense workout. Let me tell you 287 lbs, is heavy. The point is that is the 4th day in a row I've gotten in at least 30 mins of exercise. I usually try to put in 30 mins-45 mins at the rec center, which thankfully is included in my tuition and is right across the street. They close early on Sundays and I had a lot of homework which turned out to be my numer one priority. I studied a good twelve hours with breaks of course, I'm only slightly crazy. On the plus side I cleaned my room in its entiretly early Saturday morning, and it has made focusing a lot easier. I got studying done. And even though I had a  breakout over test stress and I'm wearing my glasses because I see 20/200 out of my left eye I  still feel pretty because I'm wearing my favorite spring top because we have sun, but its only 35 degrees, otherwise I would take my book ouside with sit on a blanket in the grass and get some sun on my very pasty legs. I've got to be ready to put my smaller batihing suit on, yeah! I haven't bought it yet, but its one thing to look forward to, right? Even though I am still big I can't wait to wear a bathing suit, 20 lbs ago I wouldn't have said that.

I have also reflected that the weight I have lost is all weight I have gained since being in college. That's a sad thought. I never realized that although eating the same amount of food here as at home, I was eating way more fat and processed food without exercising slowly causing the pounds to creep on in the last few years. Well they have finally started putting nutrition facts on their convience items like sandwiches and salads, which when you're taking 6 classes is all you have time to eat you don't think about it. Some of the dressed up salads without dressing have 40 grams of fat and the dressing has 10 and 400 cals. horrible and my favorite italian hoagie has 28 grams of fat and 400 cals. not to mention my daily dr. pepper 20 oz. all horrible. No more I say, I was even plesantly surprised to learn I like diet cherry pepsi yesterday. So. yeah! I think I've covered it. Tonight I will post a food and exercise update as well as how many items on my to do list got crossed off. Have a wondeful day, and if you made it this far congratulations. Can you see why I am so unorganized?

Another 21 days goal

21 days from now will be april 10th. If you'll refer to my prior post I have decided to implement healthier habits into my life, while kicking out the ones that were and continue to destroy me. Today I would like to talk about my school habits.

I would consider myself one of the most irresponisble college students in the world. I'm only hurting myself. Attendence policies are ignored, which are circumvented by own sheer laziness and lack of motivation and confidence. I don't truly believe in myself which is pathetic because I graduated in the top 3% of my class of over 1,000. and I graduated in the top 5% of all of Washington in 2005. So this leads me to the question is where did all of my confidence and motivation go to. This has become more than a speed bump. I honestly think I need some professional counseling, which I am getting every few weeks, but we never talk about any of this we talk about how I deal with death and how that must be the cause of all my problems. I don't think it is. I think I need to find my place again. Why I am not fitting in. I don't have that many friends at my school even though I have been here three years. And making them at this point is easier said then done. I have wnough time ti achieve my weight loss goals and suceed in both I just need to find the motivation to be sucessful in both. I also need to work on my communication skills. I need to work on a lot.

On to how I am going to change this particular habit. No more procrasinating is a starter. In fact I am currently going to be hosting a study party in a matter of minutes. No more skipping class to do nothing, in particular watch tv. It is pointless, its not like I am missing lost in the middle of the day or grey's or something. Also, I need to start waking up earlier, noon on a weekday is unacceptable. I'd like to get up closer to 8:30 and go to the gym, then come home and study before class which doesn't start until 2:00. I have plenty of time. I just don't utilize it well because quite frankly I have become a lazy person. I would effectively like to treat my school work like a job which is going to take time. Getting through my study schedule I created with academic suppot is a step in the right direction.

Making baby steps forward is the best I can do right now. Thank you for your love and support. I know that I can become a highly effective and motivated person. I can become ME again. Not the 300 lb hippo I acted like in the past.

21 Days

According to research, via commercials between reruns on Nick at Nite, it takes 21 days to break and form new habits. In this blog I would like to talk abou the habits I am choosing to develop and the ones I am choosing to say goodbye to. Being on Jenny Craig has taught me many important things. I can truly say no matter what happens nothing will ever make me regret doing this program. At this point I have lost the weight I put on in my first few years of college. About 5-10 more pounds and I'll be back to the size I was in high school. Which means smaller jeans. I started out at 307 when I joined extrapounds, my weight before JC was 313. I weighed over 300 pounds. I was ashamed of myself. Even when I first started JC I was embarassed, my roommate would tell people and I would silently fume inside because I was still embarassed. I felt like I was worthless and incapable of controlling myself. I felt like a fat slob. Needless to say I had and still sometimes have a horrible self-image.

When I see myself in the mirror I still see the excess weight. Sometimes I can't see the twenty pounds I've already lost. I still feel fat and disgusting sometimes. I need work on my body image. This is the first change in my life that I want to make permanant, other than eating healthy and exercising of course. My mind needs work now. I know its going to be hard acknowledging my sucesses because I still have a lot of weight to lose, a lot. The healthy weight for a girl my age is around 140 lbs. I weight over double that at 186 right now. That is so overwhelming, and I am already an emotional person. I think one of the reasons I have a poor body image is partialy in relation to my interaction with men. I myself am nearing 21 and have never had a boyfriend. In fact, I've never been kissed, held anyones hand, been on a date other than to a dance with a friend who didn't even buy my dinner (he did buy me a corsage, well his mom did I'm sure) What bothers me the most about this is I have plenty of guy friends who say this. You have a great personality and you're pretty, but I take that to mean I have a pretty face, but my body is unattractive and therefore undatable, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I never ever looked like I weighed over 300 lbs., my best friend topped me out at 260 before I told her how much I really weighed, I was so embarassed I couldn't tell my best friend since 7th grade how much I weighed. I still feel fat and ugly.  I have bad skin, with reddish spots and sun damage. I have a lot of freckles and stretch marks. I don't feel attractive. I'm working on refomating my mind to deal with the issues I have, but it is going to take time for me to say to myself, "I am beautiful", let me tell you why......no one (with the exception of my family and my best friend) has ever called me beautiful before, which is why it is hard to feel beautiful muchless anything but fat and undesirable. So reprograming my mind to except me at any size is my first goal.

That's all for tonight. I am going to make an honest effort to write a post daily. For now, I have to go to bed, I have friends coming over for a study session tomorrow morning and quite frankly, I can only afford to have one emotional crying moment a night. It feels good to finally admit this to someone, and I hope you all understand the difficulty it took to write this. I need a lot of work, but hey getting it out there is the first step to change, and I honestly believe that.

 

Self-Hate

Sometimes I feel very angry at myself. Right now is turning out to be one of those times. I slipped up once, and I just let myself keep spiraling out of control. I also don't know how to make things better.

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