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Dreams and Doctors Calls

I keep have reoccurring dreams about dieting, food, etc. Like last night I had a dream that I was in Philadelphia walking to Jefferson Hospital for my first meeting. I had a map, and knew where I was going, then all of a sudden I was lost. I asked a passer-by, and she pointed to the map where I was, and told me it was best to follow this "track" that curves around right to main entrance of the building I was looking for. I was like OMG I can't walk that much! And I'll be late! But, I realized I didn't even get on the high speed line yet, and I was in my car driving in Collingswood to the station.

The other night I had a dream that I was with my family at an event for the swim club. There was a pot luck type display of goodies there.... mostly deserts and pastries... for free and we could have as much as we wanted! So, my little sister and I kept grabbing food left and right from the buffet of sweets, popping all kinds of delectables into our mouths as we put more on our plates. Then, me and my mom got into a fight, I don't remember what about, and I literally flew away.

The doctor from Jefferson called me yesterday. She basically told me that this program is not for everyone, and said I should attend the informational meeting. She said that over half of the people who go to the information meeting end up not even starting! But after talking to me for about 10 minutes, she said I sounded like a really good candidate, and she's 99% sure I won't change my mind! I was so excited after I got done talking to her! She sounds so nice! :-) My meeting is this Monday, the 29th. I really can't wait to get started.

awesome video that pertains to lots of us

I think this is it.

Ok so I think I've made a decision. Here is the program I'm gonna do. It's Optifast monitored by Jefferson Hospital: http://www.jefferson.edu/endocrinology/weightmanagement

I'm really nervous but I hope they still have a space for me. I just filled out the form to attend the free information session. I'm not sure how much it will cost, but I think my aunt might help me out.

not directed to any particular person:

This is my journal. My blog. And its easy to forget how many people out there can read this, and that this information is SHARED. I just feel that I should explain myself.

I apologize if my last post seemed... surly... I think is the right word. I hope everyone understands. I've just been in such a poor mood, being in pain from my ankles and knees... and October was never a very good month for me, with my Dad's birthday (he passed away when I was 11) and Halloween always reminds me of my friend Gary, who died in a tragic car accident before his time, about two years ago. My cousin who was only in his 20s just passed away, which brings back all these memories and feelings. It just reminds me of how short life can be and how TRAGIC it can be, too. Everyone has losses in their lives, but most of the people who I loved or cared about died too young. I'm so afraid. (I've been seeing counseling but had to opt out recently because of my financial situation.) All this plus school and my senior project and getting a job is so much for me, and I feel angry a lot.

Its really tough to be 5'3" and 245 pounds, but I also have this separate problem with my legs, and the extra 120 pounds I'm hulling does not help at all. I know my body. I know how it works. I need to diet AND exercise to loose weight, and right now I physically can't exercise enough to lose. Maybe maintain, but that it not good enough, and I won't accept that. I need more. Because of my ankles this week, and hardly being able to walk, I gained 5 pounds. :-( This is MY personal situation...

Rather than get my stomach stapled or get surgery on my knees, I'm considering a strict doctor assisted weight loss program (that is viewed as rather unorthadox) but considering my options, this seems like the best choice for me. Even though I'm scared. Even though other people don't understand. I know me the best. I know if I can be on this program for 2 months, I can loose 30 pounds, with the help of my doctor. I know I am capable of at least maintaining my weight on my own, as I have already shown myself, I have already learned how to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I know myself, and I know that I WONT gain the weight back after the doctors program is done. I know I can always rejoin WW again if I have
trouble after the program is done. No, this is not meant for long term use, because it CAN BE unhealthy. But, it is just for 2-3 months, and I will be monitored by my doctor, and getting my blood pressure checked, and
blood work done, etc. I just can't physically loose weight in the long run until I shed some initial pounds, so I don't fracture my ankles again... or worse.

If it wasn't for my doctor or my aunt, I wouldn't have even taken a second look at this diet program. It seems like a gimmick. But because my DOCTOR of all people recommended it, I decided to take her advice and do the research. Yes, RESEARCH. I am by no means jumping into this thinking it is an easy way out. (I am not that dumb, or at least would like to think I'm not that dumb.) I realize the risks and how hard it will be. I was still skeptical because of the controversy... until my Aunt called me. My aunt has always been a little overweight in her life, but she has also been one of the healthiest people I've known. She is an athlete in my mind, walking, biking, skiing, hiking, etc. She told me she did a similar program with her doctor (when I was only 3), and she was very successful on it, and lost a lot of weight and kept it off for a long time. She also said she talked to her insurance company who paid for most of it! If this is a fad diet,
or a gimmick, I doubt an insurance company would pay for 90% of the treatment! She told me if I wanted to so this, she is totally supportive and would help me figure out a way to pay for it. She also said she would talk to HER doctor and go on the diet again herself! NOW, I feel like I have the strength to do this!

I really havn't made a sure decision yet. Either I'm going to do the doctor supervised program for a few months then switch to weight watchers OR just do WW alone losing very slowly if at all.

Until then, I'm going to try and ignore the people who make negative comments about my weight loss program. And frankly, I don't have the time to explain this whole thing to everyone who questions... this must be 2 pages long! It is FRUSTRATING when people just don't understand. But, as with anything, I will have to figure out a way to deal with this as well.

this may be goodbye

I hate the idea that I have to justify my diet choices. Believe it or not, I AM an adult... an educated, smart, adult. I have my reasons, no matter which diet I choose. Why should I care so much about what other people think? Everyone has their opinions, and I know no matter what I do I'm going to get criticism anyway. Maybe later I'll actually write a long letter WHY I gotta do what I gotta do, but I don't have the time right now, and until then, I need positive support, and if people can't do that, well, I guess I'm on my own with this one.

New plans....

I've been thinking about this so much, and I don't think I'll be doing the cookie diet. It's too extreme for the cost. I just can't afford it, even if I really thought I'd be able to handle it.

But, I need that actual weigh-in. Like an official person to keep me on track. Sure, I have lost almost 15 pounds on my own, over the past 5 months. But, this is too slow for me, and now I've plateaued, losing and gaining the same 5 pounds. I need something more.

I'm going to go back on weight watchers. And I've decided I'm going to do this for a whole year. I have to make a commitment to set aside the $40 each month for the monthly pass... that's $480/year, which is less than I spend on one semester of books. So, when I look at it that way... I think this is the least expensive, healthiest weight loss program that is out there. I just have to commit myself and stick to it. Tried and true.

Saw Doctor... and Cookie Diet

I skipped class and went to the doctor. Just got back. She said that I may have a stress fracture in my ankle tendants. So, she gave me perscription Alieve and stuffs like that, and I have to go back on Monday.

She also told me, in a very serious tone, that I needed to loose weight (big surprise). She recommended this "cookie diet" to me. It's supposed to jump start your weight loss, and she thinks it would help me loose that first 50 pounds so I can exercise better. But I'm not so sure about it. It sounds pretty intense see link: http://www.smartforlife.com/Recipies/recipies.aspx

Yea, so I'm not so sure about this.

I got hurt

To put a long story short, I hurt my ankles and left knee on Sunday. The knee is getting better, but the ankles still hurt. I've been in pain for a few days now, and it's getting really frustrating. I took 3 alieve a day, and they still have pain. If it does not get better by the end of the week, I'll have to do back to the doctor I guess. I don't know what he is gonna do about it, though, besides to lecture me that I should get surgery (which I refuse to do) and maybe give me some pain medication.

This is very frustrating, and embarrassing. I could not climb the stairs to class the other morning, and the elevator was locked because it was before 8am. I didn't go to class. My roommate keeps telling me that I shouldn't go to class today, and I should keep off my feet but I've been missing so many classes. :-( I'm at a crossroads.

If anyone has any suggestions about sore ankles, please feel free to leave me a comment. I've tried ice and warm water. Not sure which one works better. I'll have to get a brace or something. The ankles don't look swollen to me, so it might be a muscle problem I'm not sure. Still, I don't have time to go to the doctor until the end of the week, midterms are coming up.

My plans today... I will not fail!

My plans for today:

healthy breakfast
walk outside while my laundry is going
shower
have "brunch" & pack healthy snacks
drive to cherry hill to meet up with family
DAY AT THE ART MUSEUM IN PHILLY
dinner at home with family (I WILL control this)
drive back to school
study study study until I fall asleep