I finally reached transition, and I know some people have been wondering exactly what that involves. Its really nice to know that people care about me and are interested in the Opifast program, but to be honest, I'd rather not talk about my food choices with people.
I just want to be normal, and not have people wondering what I'm eating, how I'm exercising, or what I weigh. I want to be free of judgment as well as concern and watchful eyes. I really want people to trust me, and think nothing of it, just as one might a normal weight person, or someone who isn't on a diet. This way, I can concentrate on internal factors... rather than what people are thinking or saying about me/ to me all the time.
Also, I don't like people asking me how much I weigh, or how much I've lost, etc. It makes it sound like my success is based in numbers, and I don't always think that. For example, someday I'm going to be a normal weight, but I will still be successful everyday that I eat healthy. I'd rather have people ask me broader questions, like "How are you?" or "How is your program going?" that way, I don't feel so awkward and uncomfortable talking about numbers and other details I'd rather just not concentrate on.
Having said that, yes, I will be eating "real" rood sometimes. I have a really great plan going here. I will still be having shakes and protein bars as well, so people will see me at different times. I will always be on plan my entire life, there's no "going off" my diet, because I really want to be a different person when I come out of this, with a different view on life, and better attitudes...
I'm in this for the long haul, and it's such a relief that I can be open and honest with my friends and family, and just have this all out in the open. I really appreciate everyone's encouragements and support. You all know who you are! MUCH LOVE
YES! I made it to the transition phase in Optifast!!!!
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Some Stats:
After ~ 8 months of dieting
About 3 months of that on Optifast
Starting Weight: 255.5 (May 07)
Current Weight: 210.5
Weight Lost: 45lbs
Inches Lost in Chest: 2
Inches Lost in Waist: 3.8
Inches Lost in Hips: 6.3
Starting Pant Size: 24
Current Pant Size: 18
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So what does this mean for me, now? I'm transitioning from the liquid diet (5 protien bars or shakes) to quote real food. This means (for the first week) 3 shakes/bars, 1 cup veggies, and 4oz lean meat.
This also means I definately need to get my butt in gear and start exercising! My roomie said she'll go swimming with me once a week on Sunday, and a friend of mine said he'll go bowling with me on Wednesday nights, and on Mondays I will be doing my own thing, probably Biggest Loser or The Firm workouts. This way, things will be fun, and not too tough. I'll start slow and add a bit every two weeks or so.
I'm really excited about this new phase, and I know I won't lose as much (but I was averaging 3 pounds a week!) The fear of not losing is lingering, but I'm open to this controlled plateau. My mind and my body can now adjust.
I have to get ready for class, but I will update more later!
I've been getting more compliements than EVER this past week. I'm around 15% loss, and people can REALLY tell now. It's so refreshing. I went home this weekend and when I went upstairs to see my sister, she was with her friend who I havn't seen for a bit, except maybe online... and immediately she asked me how much weight I lost, and when I said around 40, she said I looked really good. It was so sweet of her!
Yesterday I hung out with my DBF's mom, and she said I was looking really good too. I see her pretty often, I'd say every week or two, so it's good that people who I see often notice my weight loss.
The other day my boyfriend came to pick me up somewhere and said he almost didn't reconize me because I lost so much weight. I had to flag him down! LOL!
My roomate is chinese, and went to china over the wnter break, so I didn't see her for more than a month. She keeps bringing up how different I look, and she said the other day that she has to look away while we are talking because she is so dictracted from our conversation because she keeps stareing at me and wondering who she is talking to... LOL
I can't wait to visit my old work so I can show off my weight loss some. I just KNOW that they will be thrilled and so proud of me! Maybe I'll save it for a day that I feel a little down int he dumps.
Tomorow is my official weigh in. According to my scale, though, I havn't lost as much as usual this past week. We will have to see!
I've come a long way, not just on the scale, on in my measurements, but with my emotional relationship with food. I'm really struggling with this program, but I feel like it's all been worth it. I really forces myself to look deep and really figure out WHY the dieting makes me feel so depressed. Even though I was seeing my weight fall every single week, even though my clothes fit looser and looser until I couldn't wear them anymore, and even though I took my measurements and KNEW in my mind that the numbers dont lie... I kept thinking that I didn't feel better, and I didn't feel any different.
I was trying to explain this to my DBF the other night when I came to a realization. When I was at 255, I would look into the mirror and didn't reconize myself. I gained weight so rapidly over the past 4 years at college, that I just didn't feel like 255 until I looked in the mirror or ran out of breath going up the stairs. So, now that I'm closer to 200, where I've been on average for most of my adult life, I don't feel much different. This is when I decided to look at this situation from a different angle. I may not feel like a new me, but I certainly feel MORE LIKE MYSELF. And this is, to me, a huge accomplishment. From now on, instead of saying I dont feel much different, or I dont feel like I've lost any weight, I am going to say I FEEL MORE LIKE ME AGAIN!
This is only one of the accomplishments I'm talking about. I knew going into this program that the biggest problem for me, the biggest challange, would be the whole social aspect. I didn't quite know WHY at first, but I caught myself feeling "left out". I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be the person who was dieting. I wanted to fit in, and I wanted noone to take notice of my eating habits. Just being in touch wth my feelings I feel like I an accomplishement on its own, but there is more to it.
I remember the first time I overate. My mom was running a daycare program in our house when I was growing up. Even though I was the first born, there was never a time when I was the "only child". I remember in first grade after school everyday my mom would give the kids snack and then we would all go out to play in the backyard while my mom cleaned the dishes and watched us from the sink window. The government had strict policys on how much food my mom could give to each child. But not me. I lived there. It was MY mother, not theirs. I could have as much as I wanted. I could stay inside with my mom if I said I wasn't done with my snack. And so, while the other kids went outside to get fresh air and exercise, I stayed in and ate grahm crackers with milk alone, just me and my mom. I was special. I remember how the texture of the food and the steady pattern of dunking and chewing the crackers was comforting. I wasn't really hungry. I just wanted to be with my mother. I was a child who didn't know how to deal with my emotions, and noone knew what was going on, not even me.
I don't blame anyone for my weight gain. I take full responsibility. But, knowing more and more about the 5Ws gives me more to work with, and the knowledge gives me a better chance to succeed. I know more, and I'm a better person for it, whether I'm 255 or down to 215. I've come a long way.
I havn't been on for a while. Life has thrown me a few curveballs. I was really sick at a point, and then the holidays. But, I was still weighing myself and tracking it here, even though it wasn't a good time to blog. And YES, I LOST WEIGHT OVER THE HOLIDAY.
I also got an internship that sounds really great for me. Its unpayed, but they will offer me a part time position soon enough. Now, I just have to find an hourly job to top it off. I can't believe how HARD it is to find a job around here! I feel like I'm out in the middle of nowhere at this school. I can't wait to get out to Cali after graduation. So far it is just my lab science course, anthropology, finish my incomplete in History of Psych (which sould only take a week) and my 20 hr/ week internship. I really need another part time job to keep me busy and I need the money, too...
In other news, the DBF and I are doing really great! We've been working through alot of rough patches. I did some not-so-good things, and so did he, and we are learning. At least I know that I am really starting to learn much more about what it means to be in a commited relationship. I think we will be just fine! :-)
I really need to update photos soon... I'm totally melting away. Funny thing happened where my mother decided I needed a suit that fit for my interview. Then, I got sick, and had to postpone the interview. Well, I decided to wear the pant to Christmas dinner because it was the only nice pant that fit me, but when I went to put them on they were TOO BIG! LOL! I swear it was no more than 15 days ago when I got them! LOL!
So then, my aunt who is around the same size as me, cleaned out her closet and gave me this huge trashbag full of clothes she didn't want/ didn't fit good (most of them still had tags on them! woah!) I tried on most of the clothes before the new year to find something to wear to my New Years Eve party. Well, this week some of the tops that were a bit snug are now fitting me fine! It's SOOOOOOOO WEIRD. I'm totally melting... I don't know how this is happening, but it is pretty sweet!
I'm so close to week 12 I can taste it... then I will go into transition. Most of the people in my group are quiting and going to weight watchers. But, I've done weight watchers before, and I put back on the weight. I know its a really good program and I would reccomend it to anyone of my friends or loved ones trying to lose weight. But, for me, I need to be here at Jefferson Hospital. They have the largest sucess rate of people keeping the weight OFF in the country. I really want that, and I'm trusting them. I made a commitment, and I'm going to stick with it. End of story.
Ok, I'm really going on here. Time to do some chores, etc. I'll update later!
So much has been going on, I don't even know where to start. Right now my situation is this: sick in bed with pneumonia. I've been on antibiotics for a few days now, so my couch is much better, but the actual medicine is making me sick as well. I'll spare you the details. I had to cancell my interview and take on 2 incompletes at school. It's the holidays, and I keep fighting with my mother. I was supposed to get a blood test and doctors apointment for my Optifast diet, but now I'm on too many meds to take the bloodtest, and I can't reschedule because after this month I will have no health insurance! I havn't finished my christmas shopping, I am broke, have no job, and got a bill this week for the two classes I have scheduled for next semester. I'm really in a huge rut, and I've never felt so SICK in my short 22 years of living.
Well, being sick I lost tons of weight, but I know its because I can't hold in food, which will come right back when I start to feel better. Right now I have to decide what I'm going to do. My mom wants me to come home but shes being an asshole about it. Refused to come pick me up because she is too busy, but isn't too busy to go to the movies (as I found out from my sister) but it is so EASY to ask my brother and my boyfriend to do it, and they both work full time. I really believe my mother is acting like a child!!! This has been going on for a while, and she ALWAYS gets away with it because noone confronts her about it. Noone wants to make a big stink, esp near the holidays. So, she is allowed to project all her stress and frustration out on other poor sick people like myself (which is easiest because I'm not actually there, easy target) when she is really upset about her own life and won't admit to it.
I really can't deal with all this right now, no wonder I got a lung infection in two days flat! I want to hide in my room until all of this is over. Call me after new years...
The scale has been soooooo weird! Two days ago it said 226, yesterday 227, and today 224!!! I hope it stays at 224, I hope its not just water or somthing. I'm always wondering WHY. Why did that happen? Because I got a good nights sleep? Because I'm deydrated? How could I loose like 3 pounds in one night? Maybe I should just accept that and be happy about it....
By the way... I got another interview for an internship!!! I'm really excited! I have to much work to do to prepare... this is gonna be a crazy two weeks! Wish me luck!
I can't talk long because of finals. I'm just waiting for my housemate to call me so we can go to campus together. I don't feel safe going this late at night alone, especially with all the crap that's been going on. But, I have to get out of the house. I'm getting less sleep because of finals and I can't concentrate in my room because all I want to go is get into bed. Hopefully going to the computer lab on campus or the library will help me focus more.
Today I called my aunt again (yea, she's like my second parent, but better cuz shes not actually my mom LOL)... and told her I only lost 2lbs (I know this is a good number, but concidering I'm on a liquid diet, not eating anything, and only a few weeks in, I exspect more like 3 to 3.5). I was telling her I wasn't watching my caffinee intake etc. very well, and she thinks the next week I shouldn't worry so much about numbers on the scale this week, because it will be from water retention and stress, not actual weight gain. I should concentrate on my classes. Not go off program, but just not to worry about big loses. I think she is right. Plus, a week or two of lower drops will help my body get used to its new weight.
When I said that I was having doubts, I meant about the program in general. I don't know what I was thinking, because it's obviously working. I think I just look in the mirror and see the same old me, even though I'm thinner I don't see it. My mind has to catch up with my body, that's all. I'm in denial but I'm sure I'll get over it soon.
And I have been feeling a bit depressed. I've been like this on and off for a looooooooong time. I tried the counseling at the school but they SUCK. (Trust me, I've been to a lot of couneling and my second major is psychology to top it all off.) Anyways, I'm sure things will get better when it FINALLY stops raining (I'm in Jersey) and school gets out, and I get settled down with a job. Then, I will see Barry again. He gave me a good deal (40 bucks a SESSON, not HOUR.) So as soon as I have a job I'll be good.
Thanks for everyone's comments and concerns. I don't have much time to visit blogs and comment back, but you are all in my thoughts. *much love*
Not posting as much because of school. Finals week is comming up... not an excuse, I really want to come on here and take the time to write and check up on people, but I really shouldn't so much.
The interview I got on Wednesday was cancelled. She said family emergency, but I'm thinking snow storm. Another oportunity arrived, though. A "Creative Internship" in Princeton. They will call me back with the exact interview date.
I officially lost 2lbs on Optifast this past week. I am now on week 6! I was told I can transition when I get to about a 15-18% loss. I'm 8 away. Been having alot of boubts lately, and a lot of fatigue. I'm so tired all the time.
My aunt called me the other day all concerned. She thinks I may be depressed. I hate it when people say that, but I dunno. I was seeing counseling this summer but couldn't afford it. It's either I pay for the weight loss or the mental health... I can't afford both... especially now that I have no job. Well, my aunt said that as a Graduation gift she would reimburse me for all by diet fees that my insurance didn't cover, as long as I stick with it to the end... which is AWESOME but also means I will be upping things on the credit card until then, and who knows how long it will take to get me into maintenance!
I should really go and get ready for class... later!
I havn't been wriritng so much this week because I've been so BUSY. I wanted so much to come on here and update, but I knew it would get me sidetracked from my work. I had 2 papers and 2 presentations in 2 days! Now, I have to work on my senior project.
My interview got cancelled :-( due to a family emergency on her end. Oh well, I was really busy yesterday anyway, and it snowed, too... not so safe for driving.
Yesterday I wanted food really bad. More than usual. I don't know where these things come from. I really wasn't hungry at all. I just wanted food. I guess I really am an addict after all. Luckily, a bunch of friends of mine got together and we went bowling. (We were supposed to go to a club in philly but it snowed, so we went somewhere more local). I played a really good game (116) and my friend Ryan scared a 119. It was really neck in neck the whole time and we were both way in the lead over everyone else! I told him I need a rematch next week because Wednesday nights are dollar game nights. The only bad thing is my ankles are killing me! Even though I've lost this much, I still have the pain. I might need to lose much more before it starts getting better.
Well, I plan on going to class early to work on my project and get a good parking spot. Cya this weekend! :-)
