Sleeping it off

I know I haven't written in a while... Not that I have given up on my goal .. I think not but as you can tell from my previous entries I'm having quite a rough time so I took the "sleep away my problems issue"  didn't work till last night.

So although I am a bit tired now at 9pm I found that I woke up nice and early this morning. Normally, I don't fall asleep very well and can't sleep through the night but last night I don't even remember trying to go to sleep I just was and I actually slept thru the night too.

It was great!!

Now I know that this isn't a long blog but oh well I just thought I would say that even though I ordinarily struggle with my sleep pattern and lately has been even worse the day I exercised for the first time in weeks I actually got a full nights sleep. So guess its true exercise can help in many ways..funny that.

Day 3

Yesterday for Day 2 I did really well.  I unfortunately also am very stressed so I was sick.  Althought I stuck to the diet the way I should I still have no energy.

So now Day 3 -  Last night I found internet images of what my now ex saved.  These girls are so tiny, I feel so absolutely inadequate.  These images literally made me sick.  I was up and down all night long getting sick and then crying back to sleep.  I am not a prude or so religious that the images were offensive just that I don't think that they are true representation of a woman.  I've heard from my job for nearly a decade I'm to fat, I'm to fat.  And although my ex never said that I was or that there is anything wrong with me you start to believe what you hear from work.  I keep thinking we wouldn't have split up if I looked like those girls.  Plus he has a few girls that he has messed around with still in his life one he sees everyday at lunch and one that he sees one a week or so and another that is every few months.  I told him how I felt and that it was uncomfortable and jealous for me but in the end I didn't matter enough, they are in and I am out.  He never criticized my body or my eating he said he much rather have mine than theirs cause it felt better not to feel bones.  But I'm finding so many things he lied about I don't know what to believe. 

I feel so lost, hurt and fat.  I wouldn't have lost him if I was insecure and I wouldn't have been insecure if I wasn't fat.  Why can't guys just accept that women are not shaped like little girls?  EIther way I emailed him today and told him that was why he broke up with me since he never told me why and I never stood a chance and he said no that it had absolutely nothing to do with my body.  So why can't I stop feeling inadequate because I weigh more than 100 lb. why can't I stop crying because of my weight?

Either way as you can see I've lost about a half stone.  But today I couldn't bring myself to eat anything without feeling ill.  It's not his fault but it doesn't help.  I just wish I could get a grip on my weight.

Day 1

Today was my first day on the South Beach Diet.  This time around at least cause I have used South Beach before.  I think I've done well because I have stuck to the menu and have tried to keep drinking water.  The idea I am having is the one that usually comes to mind which is every other beverage I have in the day will be a bottle of water (just so happens the bottle holds 3 cups).  I will need to wait until the end of my day to find out if I've stuck to the calorie,fat, carb intake values etc that have been set for me but I think since I am following a diet that I must be. 

I don't know about others who use southbeach but I find that it is expensive to buy and time consuming to prepare but I am never hungry so that is good.  I do wish I had someone to do it with to share with the cost, clean up and the cooking to.  (I think that is more my new single hood loneliness though)  Wish speaking of I saw him today for the first time since his stunt and he couldn't even look at me.  Guess when you breakup with someone the most immature, selfish and coward way you don't have the balls to look at them ~ I say go ahead and hang your head in shame you should!!

For working out today I was going to go running this morning by crying until 3 am didn't leave much time for that this morning and was going to go workout at the gym tonight but highly distracted originally for a good reason but in the end because of him... this can't be helping the weight.  Grrrr!!! I'm so angry with myself.

Starting Fresh?

So here I am late on a Sunday night writing a blog.  One sentence in and I already see problems!!  I should start by saying I do not have a great talent for writing, which means I don't write often well from no talent and embarassment.  Tried support groups online but with no one on the other side I lose motivation.  I've also tried getting friends and work colleagues to join me in the plan and no one seems interested.  Anyway let me move on to a "hopefully" short introduction.

I'm 5ft 2in tall and trying to reach my goal weight of 131lbs.  I would like to tone my arms, belly and bottom, shrink my thighs, hips and waist.  This has been my goal for a long time and I can't say that I will ever reach it.   I have a lot of new life changes happening soon and that is stressful.  Additionally I have recently had my   and he was going to be my diet/fitness partner.  This set me back a week because it was also stress and emotional. 

I'm hoping that focusing on the decisions ahead of me and the goals I set will help me to not cry so much from the breakup and stress.