My Way

"You will be fat if you eat today, just put it off one more day."

My Distraction: Organize my negatives.

Self Control Tip: Think about food before and while you eat it. Think about where it came from and exactly what happened to it before it reached you. This works particularly well with meat, dairy and eggs.

My Rules for Life in General

I've had it. This morning I was trying to find something to wear to work. So few things fit.  I'm pissed off that my weight and my life are out of control. I took a few minutes and this is what I came up with - my own constitution.

I will be honest. Honest with myself & honest with others.

I will be a more private person and focus on the experiences, needs and current lives of others.

Before I make a decision I will ask myself:  - Will this matter in 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years? - Am I making this decision on emotion alone? - Will this complicate or simplify my life and how.

I will not permit myself to engage in self-descructive behavior personally, professionally & financially.

I will treat myself & others with respect by: - Honoring all commitments & promises. - Make decisions that are socially appropriate. - Ask myself if I am breaking a promise to myself or others.

I will better myself personally - both physically and mentally. I will take pride in my career. I will set deadlines & goals for myself.  I will be professional at all times. I will not base my value on my salary.

I will not allow others to deprecate my own self worth. I will base myself worth on the good that I do and the things I have accomplished.

I will find activities that make my heart soar.

I will place more importance on family relationships. I will not pursue any kind of relationship unless it is  reciprocated.  I will not waste my time trying to win the love or approval of others. I will take pride in my appearance. I will take the time to shop, coordinate & appreciate the difference that these steps make.

I have this taped on under my keyboard at work, I have emailed myself copies of it, I put a hard copy in my bag.

Go Ohio!

It's pretty cool to see a few of us are from Ohio. Everyone know that Ohio chicks ROCK :-) Just a reminder that it is a small world.

I finally put up pics of the puppies. Can't help it - I  like to brag, so go check it out. Speaking of dogs, I saw this posted on a sign a few weeks ago and thought it was pretty cool:

"If your dog's fat, you're not getting enough exercise"  :) How awesome is that!

Today I started off with WW toast with peanut butter. Not the best, but a big step up from a large cinnamon raisin bagel slathered with honey walnut cream cheese.

Yesterday, I didn't do too bad. I had yogurt and fruit for breakfast. Oatmeal as a snack. Dinner not so good.....................Chicken Nugget Combo from McDonalds. Sounds repulsive to me now, but last night I was pretty hungry. I've got to go to the grocery store.

I need to start following this mantra:  If you don't have a plan, you're planning to fail.

Let's all have a good food day:)

Definitely a Dog Day

Good morning everyone:)

Just finished up my light 'n fit yogurt topped with raspberries, blueberries and strawberries. Pretty awesome - AND full of antioxidents.

I dropped off Jackson and my new puppy, Little Miss, at the vet's office this morning. Jackson just needs a rabies shot, but Little Miss is in to be spayed, microchipped, wormed and have all of her first round shots.

I love my dogs - A LOT. Life wouldn't be worth much without my Jackson:) And I worry any time I have to have a pet "put under" for any surgery. I am supposed to pick them up this evening on my way home so keep your fingers crossed for Little Miss.

I'm trying to be more productive at home and at work. I got up early again this morning and picked up things around the house a little bit. I am also making a point to not have dishes in the sink ever - god, it's so much easier that way. Now if I could ever get caught up on my laundry I'd be awesome.

I hope everyone in Ohio got out and voted yesterday. No matter if you're republican or democrat, get out there and utilize that freedom given to us by the many people who have made so many sacrifices.

I will be posting pics soon - some of me, some of the dog(s). Has anyone looked at those plastic surgery before and afters? Some of the torso surgeries don't even look that great. Yeah for us ! No shortcuts, just hard work and hope.

Tuesday blahs...........

Yesterday I went home and ate about 4 sugary bowls of cereal. My boyfriend ate a few bowls of Cookie Crisp for dinner. Did I mention that we're both in our mid-thirties?  Once again,   REALITY CHECK.

The dog woke me up to go outside in the middle of the night. I ate another three bowls of sugary cereal.

This morning, I took the bag (oh yes, not a box a BAG - like horse feed) and threw it into the dumpster. It was half full or maybe even a little more. Do I feel sad? Yeah, maybe a twinge at first. Man, I do like my Cap'n Crunch knockoff. It was even the kind with berries. I also felt a small sense of accomplishment:) awwww, so that's what it feels like...I remember!!! I drank 32 oz. of water yesterday.

I feel like a did a few positive things this morning. I got up early and had time to pick up after myself. Normally, I storm out the door and shit is everywhere. I had one serving of oatmeal this morning for breakfast. I even put on makeup this morning.

I also paid attention to how my knees hurt. Up and down stairs one at a time. Steep steps to get into the bus early in the morning - hurts like hell. I'm  tired of taking four ibuprofen before trying to get on the bus.

I just finished reading a great book about money and how to handle your finances. I have a gameplan that's good for my health as well as my bank account.

Basically, if I want to buy junk food and it would cost $3.50 - I put that $3.50 on my credit card bill. Instead of going to the dollar store and buying candy and crap that I don't need - I estimate the cost and pay that amount to my credit card company immediately. That's $3.50 I won't be paying interest on, and food my body doesn't need. And everytime I do that, I feel so positive.

On February 14 my credit card balance was 7636.84. As of today it is 7329.34. Slow and steady:)

I'm Tired of......

Knees that hurt like hell. Being out of breath climbing the stairs. Having asthma. I'm tired of waking up every morning beating myself up for my lifestyle. Trying not to think about my lifestyle when I lay down to sleep at night.

Most of all - I'm tired of DENIAL. I'm tired of wondering what makes me hate myself so much that I keep killing myself.

It's exhausting.

My goals for this week are to

1) drink 32 oz. of water a day

2) Get on elliptical every day

3) Do my nails and keep them DONE nicely.

4) Lose three pounds this week.

And last, but not least - blog much more often:)

Someone has turned EP upside down (or something) and where did my eyelashes go??

Happy Tuesday morning everbody! I'm trying to be positive because here in Columbus, Ohio the weather is suckin'. Rain, bad traffic. ugh

I weighed in yesterday and I'm down four lbs. 182. I was so worried that I was going to stay stuck in that out of control spiral. I know some of you have been there and know how scary it is.

So the good news is that I lost four lbs., and the bad news is that I accidentally "shaved" off some of my eyelashes.  I had my eyebrows waxed a week or two ago and noticed that I had a few stray hairs growing back. I had the most awesome thought ever - instead of plucking them I took one of those "personal precision razors" (the electronic kind you seen in infomercials) and just thought I'd trim up a few of those hairs.    

GOODBYE eyelashes. Luckily, I didn't get all of them, just the top ones (which is bad enough), but I don't think it's too noticeable. I didn't notice until I put my mascara on this morning. Leave me and my denial alone:)

Fall is my absolute fav time of year. I don't just like it, I LOVE IT. All month long I've been renting scary movies and making caramel apples (I just slice mine and drizzle a little bit of caramel and nuts...heaven). And don't forget the leaves....every year I forget how beautiful they are.  I've picked out "the" pumpkin. It's been in the fridge for two weeks now - pretty elaborate carving taking place this year, but when I get done it's going to be an absolutely rockin'  pumpkin. Pumpkin ART if I do say so myself.

I'm "citified" now, but I really miss horseback riding through the woods in the fall. The air is crisp, the horses love it because it's not too hot and it's just a big reminder that we're surrounded by so much beauty all of the time if we'd only look **sighs**. Now that I think about it, why did I trade in that life to live in the city and put on those golden handcuffs?? Rush hour traffic instead of horse trails - now that's about a shitty exchange.

I had to pause just now because I noticed I had a bit of that crappy fake chocolate (energy bar breakfast, 20 grams of protein and 270 calories) on my ivory sweater. I tried to brush it off but It smeared. Am I upset? No. Why am I not upset?  Because I know I'm a mess and I keep Shout Portable Laundry wipes in my desk. **shakes her fist at the sky** TAKE THAT, Murphy - I was totally prepared;)

Even with all of the rain, maybe today is going to be most excellent after all. hmmmmm, now that I think about it there's nothing like watching a horror flick while it's storming and raining hard and the wind is blowing.   NICE

oh ok - one more thing. I only have one really hokie halloween joke, but I'm going to share it anyway. Why couldn't the ghost get his wife pregnant?  He had a "hallowweenie"    I sincerely apologize for that:D

Speaking of corny.....I have visions of candy corn dancing in my head............... 

Easy like Sunday morning

I don't know about all of you, but Sunday morning is one of my favorite times of the week (wait - it IS my favorite time of week!)!!!! I'm sitting on the couch updating my blog and my cat all snuggled up with me and my boyfriend is still asleep.  I feel like I'm stealing time from the world:)

Last night we went to a wedding. The bride was beautiful, of course, but she was positively glowing - or as Chargail would say, she was bubbling. All of the people were incredibly nice (it was my b/f's side of the family). Murse Pete is right, it makes me reflect on my life.

Today, I'm thankful for life. I am going to enjoy this wonderful fall weather and celebrate fall. I hope everyone else has time to enjoy today.

Big hugs to all................

It's good to be back:)

**I would like to apologize for the long post, but it’s really good stuff. I’m actually being serious today.**

Wow, I had forgotten how much I liked being on here. I've been busy, BUT I do have a very legitimate excuse for not blogging. My employer decided we had to get some work done and has started monitoring our internet usage **sigh**. Yeah, okay I log on and type my blog and all that stuff, but I also work on weekends. One time (I swear to god this is true), I wrote a business report on the flight home from Italy. Is the boss in her office when I'm 20 minutes early? Nooooooooooo  Is she there when I'm 5 minutes late..............count on it.

Anyway - I know this is going to sound strange but I think my life has been changed forever by attending that sex addicts anonymous meeting. Like most of us, I’ve tried so many times to lose weight and keep it off. From being 90 lbs and looking like I had aids to my current weight of 186 now, I don’t ever remember a time in my life where food wasn’t a focus – even if you’re just focusing on food you don’t eat. I used to make a mental note of how little I’d eaten that dayL As a teenager, I’d eat Tums because I’d wake up and feel sick at my stomach. Haha – I’d never even heard of anorexia.

Ok – so anyway **drum roll**….here’s what I would like to share with all of you today. ~~Overeaters Anonymous~~.  Same principles as Alcoholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts anonymous, etc. On a whim I googled overeaters.com. The first document I read, made me feel all numb. Was my perception of food that skewed? Yes, apparently it was. Go through the questions yourself at http://www.region5oa.org/ABOUTOA_files/15Questions.pdf.

I chose to read through the entire Big Book (designed for Alcoholics), but here is the Chapter that just completely made my head spin. Not the listing of the twelve steps, but Chapter 5 (http://www.region5oa.org/bigbook/chapter_5.html). Go through Chapter Five’s resentment exercise and I guarantee you’ll learn at least one thing about yourself. I just now came to realize how angry I am at the world. I’m a control freak, and I’ve always known I’m a cynical person, but in this world that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I was shocked to realize that I was so incredibly hurt and angry about my past (aren’t we all?). Doing this exercise and reading that book woke me up.  Skip some of the hokey parts and get to the meat. Dig deep and your soul will feel raw. I know I gained a lot of new insight and perspective and it helped me begin to find forgiveness and peace. Normally, I’m not “touchy, feely” kind of person but I know I’m a better person for taking the time to work through that chapter. It’s a great example of the ~~Aquarium Theory~~. A lot of people stand around and look in the aquarium but they all see different things depending on where they stand. This made me focus on where I chose to stand.

I would just like to add that I don’t think everyone dieting is an addict. I know lots of people who are able to stick to their diets, work out, etc. I just go through vicious cycles of binge eating, stressing about binge eating, then I eat for comfort. Well, I’m sure there are some of you out there who know what I mean.  I know that for me, overeating is only a symptom, not the real issue.

oh yeah - how funny is it that an outing that was supposed to be fun turned into such a personal revelation for me:) Life is meant to be lived and loved, this I know.

One at a Time

Baby steps. I'm just trying to take temptation one small challenge at a time. This morning I really wanted an order of toast with pb. Then I spied the yummy pb cookies manipulatively placed right beside of the cash register. And now I'm getting ready to eat my breakfast. Light 'n Fit Carb and Calorie Control yogurt. It's actually pretty great. I even brought a salad with me for lunch today. I'm drinking more water and writing down everything I eat.

Can you believe my mom asked me to make a homemade cheesecake this weekend? I don't want to brag or anything, but I make a mean cheesecake (which is good because I really can't cook anything else awe inspiring).

I've been trying to stay busy. The love of my life and I (my dog Jackson, of course) are doing Thursday night training classes. Hard to believe, but walking/working with your dog in a ring kicks my butt!  And it gives us bonding time. I love my doggie.

I've been thinking of signing of for horseriding lessons once a week too. I used to ride and really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, when I moved to Columbus and the stall rent for my horse was more than the rent for my own apartment, I had to let that much loved hobby go. Nothing releases stress like grooming your horse in a barn with a soft rain falling. I swear, it's better than any lullaby.

I am grateful this morning to have met such a great group of people on here. I feel like we're really all in this together. Amazingly, when I thought of those cookies this morning I thought of Kimby, Andrea and Chargail. What would they say if they were there and I wanted a cookie? Kimby would kick my butt by making me run, Andrea would give me the "what the matter with you Ohio girl? We're tougher than that" speech. And Chargail....she'd make me fartlek and threaten to tell me about snake poo.

I appreciate everyone of us on here:)