09/20/2009 03:03
Still here....
I've been busy and keep forgetting to come here. LOL! I'm doing pretty well. I had bought some news clothes for school in August and they are too big for me. I never spend a lot of money on clothes, so I'm not really heartbroken. I bought them knowing I was going to probably shrink out of them, but I needed some new clothes to feel good about myself. I had bought 2 pairs of new pants a year ago and they were looking a little ragged. It makes me feel good about myself that my clothes are getting too big. :)
One thing I still struggle with is the extra attention from men and from women. The men oggle and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I felt so protected heavier. Invisible. No one really paid much attention to me. No one ever commented on what I wore or how I looked. I don't know if it's something I'm ever going to be used to.
I often wonder what people I know must think about me. I went way up to 230 lbs.... down to 175... back up to 220...now down to 184ish. I wonder how many of them took bets on whether or not I would regain all the weight and how long it would take me. It KILLED me when I saw that scale number keep creeping up knowing how hard I had worked to get the weight off and was so far off from my goal and I basically gave into the stress and let food bury all the stress. It killed me to see the roundness of my face in the mirror...the puffiness in my stomach and butt, the bones on my feet disappear... destroyed me. I was like, "this is great, my job is sucking the life right out of me and here I am eating my way toward 300 lbs" and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it.
The only thing I could do was basically hit bottom again, physically and emotionally.... and start all over again. I can't be the fat girl anymore. I won't be the fat girl. I want to be the normal sized one. I'm not even aiming for skinny, just normal. I just want to be normal. If I get to 175 and feel normal, I"m going to stop....I feel pretty good at the moment, but not normal yet. :) My goal is 155....that's 30 lbs from now, about 20 lbs from the picture in my blog.... we'll see. I'm not going to kill myself to try and reach and unreasonable goal for me.
I read on here so many times blogs where women are struggling so much to reach an unreachable and unhealthy goal. I think that if you're in a normal range and you've been trying to reach your own ideal for a year or so.... that maybe it's time to rethink your goal. :)