And not going to. I have AF and I really don't need to see that the scale is up. It's up every time, so why do that to myself?
I think this year is the first year that since I've been trying to lose weight that I don't care about the Halloween candy. I mean, I'm not craving it and I know I'm going to eat some and it's not bothering me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It could go either way. :)
I have a sick child today. Every year I have a sick child on Halloween, so I'm not surprised. I just feel bad for him. I think this is 2 years in a row for him. His brother and sister got off this year.
I ate terribly yesterday. Awful. I didn't eat a lot of food, but what I ate was horrible. Let's just say that dinner was a package of cinnamon pop tarts and some low fat sharp cheddar and lunch was a lean pocket and no breakfast. and a lot of coffee. Not one fruit or vegetable for the whole day. I don't ever eat like that. I'm not sure where that came from, but it is what it is.
I'm hoping my weekend is better.
It feels sooooo slow. I know I can't rush this, especially if I want it to stay off, but damn, it's at a snail's pace at the moment. Not even a pound in 10 days. (I think) I am so busy, that I don't have time to come here much. I feel like I am a fairweather blogger. I just don't have time. Between all my work commitments and my kid's sports, I'm stretched pretty thin.
I feel like I live under a rock though because I have zero social life and it's been so long since I've gotten together with anyone, I don't think my friends remember me. :( However, I know a girl's night is in order. I need one.
I don't have time to post a long post, I have papers to correct.
25 to go...
I feel like that is a milestone. 50 down and 25 to go. ;) I HOPE that this comes off this time. This is where I was before(there or about) and it all went to hell in a hand basket and I went right back up to nearly what I was.
I had gained nearly 30 lbs last year. I had also got a new job at a new school; a very stressful job. The teacher that started in September was not the same teacher who finished in June. I was 30 lbs heavier and couldn't even pull up the pants I wore in September, never mind buttoning them. LOL! I saw all my friends from my old school last week for the first time in a LONG time and I am smaller than I was in September of last year. :) Does that make sense? I think the best comment I received, was "You, look so happy." I am happy. I am so happy. I have my dream job, in a dream school. I feel so much better about myself, I feel like I can conquer the world.
A big part of this success, is that I'm not doing this alone in my house. My dh is doing Nutrisystem and is having HUGE success. We cannot afford for both of us to do it and I really don't want to be bringing nutrisystem meals to work and then answering all the questions that might follow. So I'm happy to fly under the radar, eating my chicken and veggies and no one noticing me and my food. As I was saying, because he now is making a concerted effort to lose weight and is faced with the same struggle I am, we are now a team and are in this together. It's lovely to have my own live in support group. :)
My kids are very involved in sports and we often spend out weekends out of the house for ice hockey all over the state. In the past that was always a sticking point in our week. My dh was completely happy, stopping off at a pizza joint, or fast food place and never taking into consideration my struggle. NOW, though, that is a different story. Now we pack our food in the morning(mostly snack healthy snack food) and we choose healthy options if we stop somewhere. No one is suffering and no one is eating something unhealthy and another tempted because we're all in this together. :)
Anyway, I'm slowly, but surely finding me again. :) ANd I'm enjoying this ride!
I won't weight until tomorrow officially, but as of yesterday I was down 3 more lbs. Good news is that I OFFICIALLY fit into all my clothes. WOOOHOOOO! I was happy to go "shopping" in my closet. I'm so glad, glad, glad that I didn't go crazy on clothes for school. That would've really bummed me out to spend the $$ and then shrunk out of them. I'm on the countdown now.... I hope that this is easier this time around. Last time, I got stuck here and went up and down, up and down 5 lbs each way and NEVER was able to go lower. I don't want that to happen this time. Omg if that happens again.... I don't know what I'll do. I was so incredibly frustrated staying about the same for months and months.
I know I said that this time my dh is on a diet. He is. He's doing fantastic! SOOO great. He just went and put a bunch of clothes that are too big for him in a bag. WOOOHOOO! I am so happy for him. I want him to be healthy and he's been unhealthy for so long. It's great to see him lose the weight and most importantly stop bringing home the junkfood to tempt me. :) Love him.
I have to laugh.... really really laugh. I just did the BMI / Ideal weight calculator. It says that my ideal weight is 136-150. Do you know how skinny I'd be at that weight? LOL! I did my 14 yr olds height and weight too.... according to the BMI she's considered a normal weight, not even underweight. She wears a size 2 at aeropostale.... size 2 people! That's normal?
There was also an article I read on MSN.com about BMI and it had a calculator and asked for waist measurement. I put in my numbers and do you know what that stupid thing said back to me? It said, "remeasure your waist because it's impossible for you to have that size waist and weigh that much!" OMFG!!! I was pissed. Pissed. So now I am not only fat, but I'm a lying fat cow? Geesh!! Here's the site... see if you're a fat lying cow too. http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/
it's in the bottom right corner.
I know I've gotten grief on this website with people questioning my weight and size. So I guess I should expect it from a BMI calculator site. I told my own dd... that she will always be smaller than what the scale says. We are very dense people. LOL! We're dense alright! LOL!
Oh and for those wondering what size I wear it's a 12 ....a 14 at Victoria's Secret (London Jeans) and yes apparantly I'm a lying fat ass.
I've been busy and keep forgetting to come here. LOL! I'm doing pretty well. I had bought some news clothes for school in August and they are too big for me. I never spend a lot of money on clothes, so I'm not really heartbroken. I bought them knowing I was going to probably shrink out of them, but I needed some new clothes to feel good about myself. I had bought 2 pairs of new pants a year ago and they were looking a little ragged. It makes me feel good about myself that my clothes are getting too big. :)
One thing I still struggle with is the extra attention from men and from women. The men oggle and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I felt so protected heavier. Invisible. No one really paid much attention to me. No one ever commented on what I wore or how I looked. I don't know if it's something I'm ever going to be used to.
I often wonder what people I know must think about me. I went way up to 230 lbs.... down to 175... back up to 220...now down to 184ish. I wonder how many of them took bets on whether or not I would regain all the weight and how long it would take me. It KILLED me when I saw that scale number keep creeping up knowing how hard I had worked to get the weight off and was so far off from my goal and I basically gave into the stress and let food bury all the stress. It killed me to see the roundness of my face in the mirror...the puffiness in my stomach and butt, the bones on my feet disappear... destroyed me. I was like, "this is great, my job is sucking the life right out of me and here I am eating my way toward 300 lbs" and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it.
The only thing I could do was basically hit bottom again, physically and emotionally.... and start all over again. I can't be the fat girl anymore. I won't be the fat girl. I want to be the normal sized one. I'm not even aiming for skinny, just normal. I just want to be normal. If I get to 175 and feel normal, I"m going to stop....I feel pretty good at the moment, but not normal yet. :) My goal is 155....that's 30 lbs from now, about 20 lbs from the picture in my blog.... we'll see. I'm not going to kill myself to try and reach and unreasonable goal for me.
I read on here so many times blogs where women are struggling so much to reach an unreachable and unhealthy goal. I think that if you're in a normal range and you've been trying to reach your own ideal for a year or so.... that maybe it's time to rethink your goal. :)
I am waiting for laundry to finish so I can put it in the dryer and then I'm going to bed! I have a long week ahead of me after a very busy weekend.
Today was such a long day and continues to be. We all got up early to go to Ice hockey. And with ice hockey you have to be there 45 minutes before the game starts, and it's a 45 minute ride...and then an hour game, then about 20 minutes after.... Then we ran some errands at a couple stores. I was starving... we were all starving. I had just had coffee and a 1 egg omelet for breakfast at 8 am and by the time we were done with our errands it was 2 pm. OMG was I hungry. I usually am pretty good about scheduling things around my meals(I try and eat 6 times a day so I'm never starving like this) and bringing something with me....even if it's peanuts. I figured we were going to hockey and coming home.... I didn't know we were going to be out so long.
I hate that feeling. The weak, faint feeling mixed with anger. LOL! We ended up going out for a late lunch. We went to Outback. Which can be scary, but I got a side salad and a filet..it came with smashed garlic potatoes and shrimp. I didn't eat the potatoes, but I did eat the shrimp. Wasn't a whole lot of calories for the day at all.
My dh is on a diet and the weight is just melting off of him. I love it. He loves it. BUT he was so scared to go out to eat today, but what kind of life is it to be holed up in the house afraid to do anything because you might have to eat something different? It's called living in the real world and learning to make food your friend and learning what you can and cannot eat. I was proud of him. I think it gave him a sense of control and power over the food. :)
I can say that it's nice to have someone in cahoots with me in the eating healthy thing. Before I was the only one that really tried. He always started and stopped...it was so half assed. Now he's in it. He's got an obsessive personality, so I told my mom that I HOPE he decides he's going to do this once and for all because he won't stop until he's where he wants to be....so that will mean no more buying junk at the store. :) When I met my dh(18 yrs ago) he was running 6-10 miles everyday and working out at the gym every day.... he was obsessed with being in shape. Then his mom got really sick and his focus turned to her. When she died, he never ran again and never stepped foot inside a gym again. That was 9 years ago. That sounds so odd now that I've typed it out, but that's what happened. It was like he just shut off and didn't care anymore. So he's let himself go for a while now..... but he's getting himself back. He's so much happier, calmer, involved.
Anyway, I've written a book. I have lesson plans to finish...
Here I am
Well...it's been forever. I am kind of, sort of back here. Life got crazy and there was no way I could keep up here. I didn't even have time to read. I sometimes wonder how everyone does it. I have a full time job, go to school, have 3 kids who all play sports.... I am so busy.
Anyway, I am back with my tail between my legs because this weight is creeping right back up on me....well, I should say, It jumped back on me... really bad.... like came up behind me and knocked me out with chloroform.... BAD. I'm actually on the downslide now. You do not even want to know how bad it got. My job last year took every bit of energy I had. It was so emotionally draining, I was like a zombie and the stress was so much it was unbearable.... food was my frenemy. It was so bad that (remember all those fat clothes I gave away?) well, I had to buy new fat clothes again....and then I had to buy even bigger fat clothes. Yes, it was that bad....
But here I am. I need to get things out and gain support so I don't turn to food anymore. So a-blogging I will be. :) I know how hard it is to deal with LIFE and also eat right. If you've had a terrible relationship with food most of your life, it's difficult, but not impossible. So there aren't any excuses.... you eat junk, you get fat... that simple.
I'm back on whole grains, low fat, high protein. Is it hard? YES! But do I want to be fat? NO! So nothing tastes as good as thin feels. NOTHING. There are not excuses for why I got fat. None. I got fat because I ate and I ate a lot. Plain and simple. I got fat because I didn't deal with my stress, I ate it away. I'll be damned if I continue to try and lose weight and see that scale stay the same. If I eat right, excercise and am HONEST with myself that scale will go down. EVERYONE can lose weight. Everyone. I thought it was impossible for me. I thought I was going to be fat forever. I thought, OMG I have PCOS, I can't lose weight. Well, news for you folks, I can and I did and I will again. This time I'm not going to give in to temptation so much.
So here's to a new start.... and I will not sell myself short. I can do this. You can do this.
Celebrating with food
Yep, I did it again. My son and daughter tried out for and were picked to be on teams that were tough to get on. So what did I suggest? I suggested celebrating with ice cream sundaes! Why did I do this? Besides the fact that I'm lactose intolerant...why is food the first thing we think of when we want to celebrate? I won't even go into the whole ice cream part, but why is food a reward? Why is it used celebrate?
I've been programmed my whole life to think this way...we all have. Every major holiday is a feast. Every birthday is cake and ice cream and FOOD. BBQ's in the summer....all about the food and the drink. Now I'm trying to reprogram myself to not think of food everytime I want to celebrate and I'm not doing so great obviously. ice cream sundaes. UGH!
My daughter was the only smart one in the bunch because she said, "mom this isn't healthy." and I didn't listen and I went to bed 1/2 an hour later with a stomach ache.....LOL!
Well, I would like to say that I learned my lesson, but I did this before about 6 months ago and said, I was never going to have ice cream sundaes for dinner again, and here I am. WHen will I learn?