Welll... I am back again. I thought I was on track in March, and was doing oh, so very well, until I got sick. And getting back in the saddle is hard forme - since I have no upper body strength and my ass is the size of Tennessee..
Lots of things have happened since then - It was definitely a time of self-discovery. What I discovered, I definitely DO NOT like.. For Example ..
I do not do well in the heat - went to Vegas and Wilted... I became a night owl by necessity (and that was only for one night and only because Teenage daughter was getting tired of sitting in the hotel room).
I feel bad - not sick - just bad. I seem to breathe hard according to others that can hear my about half a block away, my chest hurts, my knees hurt, and I always seem to have tummy troubles - mostly gas.
I can't fit into a thing that doesn't look like a mumu... Even my jeans make me look bad.
I turned 41 in July - and literally, I gained 5 lbs overnight. It is like my metabolism just said - "see ya later - if you are lucky.." I'm going out for a walkabout - I'll be back... It feels like I have sludge running through my system..
I am cranky - very, very, very cranky. I snap at people, supposedly yell at my husband (although if I don't speak up,, he can't hear me), and supposedly am much nicer after I go to the gym.
And... the gym... DD and I signed up in March... We have gone exactly 12 times (well, she and I have gone maybe 5 - I went more in the beginnning before I signed her up). We either have to go really early (and I am unequivocally NOT a morning person) or late at night - any other time it is like the holidays and trying to find a parking spot at the mall - darn near impossible. And someone like me doesn 't need any extra incentive to not go to the gym.
The last negative thing - I finally have realized that living with my MIL and all the associated family drama doesn't help. I have gained more stress weight from living with this unreasonable woman and dealing with her unlikeable children (except of course for my saint of a husband) than anything else. So... I have decided that I have to find another way to deal with it that helps me, and to heck what it does for them.
But..... although it doesn't seem possible... there are positives:
I am still alive... :-)
I still am able to go to the gym and pay for it....
I wrote down my goals and have them posted all over my bedroom.
I realized that I am not going to get everything done - I have to chose things that I really want to do, and do a few of those along with the things I don't want to do...
Realize I can do this - There is absolutely NO REASON why I can't - except if I tell myself I can't.
I am gonna look great.
Victoria's Secret is calling me - life is too short not to wear pretty underwear.
Well, not really. But looking at the pictures that I had to bribe my daughter to take of me this weekend, I certainly am guessing so.
Certainly, that can't be ME? Not me, the one that told myself I would never get like that. My ass has it's own zip code - and no wonder my back hurts all the time - I have no posture.
I seriously think that the person in the picture isn't me - but it is. I have proof. There are other pictures of me with my family (of course, this time wearing clothes) and I still look big. Why, oh why, didn't I realize it before. Why do I realize it when it is so far gone?
I am stuck inside that body dying to get out. I have treated it horribly - fed it bad food, didn't give it the love and care it needs.
At least I have a second chance to make it better - and although I want to believe I will do it perfectly, that is what literally killed all my other times - I am a perfectionist. I would guess how much weight I would lose for the next week, month, six months. If I screwed up, that was the end.
I am human - I am gonna screw up. If I have that expectation in the beginning, then there is no where to go but up :-).
Looking at my body - other people might say it is hopeless - but I know better. See, I have seen what other people can do - and I know I can do it too!
I have been off the wagon for a while. I will admit that it has been hard but I have learned a few new lessons about what my body can and cannot tolerate.
My body hates fast food - DOES NOT like it at all. I feel very fat, very bloated, and very sick. I cannot eat red meat. My body doesn't appreciate it. Starbucks is out, along with Taco Bell, Mickey D's, Carl's Jr, and anything else that requires me to go through a drive through.
Which brings me to my next challenge- and believe me, this is gonna be a challenge - Fix meals at home!!! Oh God. I know I gotta do it, but I am the type of person that doesn't handle grocery shopping very well. I blank out in the middle of the store - literally.
We live with my MIL (long story) that needs for us to prepare dinner for her on the weekends. Breakfast and lunch are easy - it is trying to decide what to have for dinner that kills me. She is very picky - and trying to "diet" when eating with her, requires her to ask me why I am not eating what she is eating etc etc...
I finally was able to have my dd take pictures of me in a bikini :-(. That was a wake up call. So now I will print them out, put them in my online personal journal, my BFL success book and carry them with me wherever I go, so if I ever get tempted to eat something not good, or not go shopping or whatever, I know that those pictures will jar me back to reality..
Tomorrow - BFL... and the gym... My new body awaits - and it has been waiting a long time.
Thanks everyone that commented on my blog. I was going to add pictures, but dd had too much homework last night - and dh now refuses to take any more pictures, as he doesn't believe I am going to lose the weight.
The high for today is that I am going food shopping - not usually a high for me, as my brain slowly fades to black in the middle of the store and I never end up getting what I need. This time though, I am taking a list :-).
Even though it is Friday, there is a low - I measured myself today. OMG!!!
Isn't it amazing how you can look in the mirror every single day, and not be aware of how much bigger your hips are getting? I mean, who replaced my great body with the one of someone I don't recognize?
I am trying to be positive about it all though. I mean, I can get thinner, if I work my butt off, however, mean people usually stay mean. So I am one up on them, wouldn't you say!
Now that I have semi recovered from the shock of the size of my hips (they are in the 40's :-( .. ) it is supposed to be a nice day out, so I am going to do my errands and then take a quick walk on the beach.
After going back and forth between diets, I have finally decided which diet to go on, and which fitness program to start with.
I must say, this is always difficult for me as I decide on something, then a new book comes out, and I change my mind. I have read the Flat Belly Diet (Prevention), You on a Diet, and the basic Atkins diet, along with Dana Carpenders "How I ditched my low fat diet and lost 40 lbs".
I have found that low carb is the easiest for me to start with, and then once I am weaned off the crap that I have been eating, it is easier to go back to eating healthy (whole grains and the like - like the You on a Diet).
For the last few weeks, I have been re-evaluating my weight and how I feel when I eat certain foods. Fast food and Starbucks are out for me. So that leaves me with eating home - Not a problem, but I am not a "gourmet" cook. I hate regular "meals" (meaning Monday - roast beef, Tuesday, Spaghetti etc). So I am just going to have to suck it up and learn to cook something good - I have cookbooks, so I guess I should learn how to use them.
Tonight I was doing a virtual model of myself and asked my dh to help me. Help me he did - he told me to add some weight. So where I was thinking I didn't look that bad (Denial is a river in Egypt LOL) I really look worse than I thought. Not a good sign but I could look 20x worse than that, so I will thank my lucky stars and get off my fat butt and do something.
I am 40, live in sunny southern Ca, and have a dh, a 16 yr old dd, 2 golden retrievers and a MIL (that is a long story - but part of the stress). I also have a bad left knee (2 surgeries and 64 lbs excess weight will do that to ya) and low thyroid (since I was a baby), and another condition that requires me to take direutics (something to do with my eyes swelling and too much fluid on my brain - who wouldv'e thought - and basically, it affects mostly overweight women... Great...
I do really well when I think about diets - it just takes me too long to start. Once I get going though, nothing stops me (usually). I am not really a snack type of person, and although I love chocolate, that doesn't really appeal to me either..
That's it for now... I need to add pictures tomorrow.....
