And the truth is that I do believe I am out of control. I finally worked up the courage to come back and check out my blog and my friends here at EP. Well, I am embarrassed to say that my weight continues to keep creeping up. Although to my defense it has not been the easiest past two months.
It is almost exactly two months since I last posted alot has been going on in my life.
The date of my last post coincides to the news of my mother being in the hospital and not getting better. Then on the 19th I had to fly to Idaho in order to see her. On the 24th I lost my mother. Since being back home I have pretty much been on auto pilot. I feel like i am just pushing myself through the day. I feel pretty numb...and lost with out my mother. There seems to not be a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of her. Now we just found out that my dad has cancer. In addition to all this my husband and I seem to be fighting all the time lately! So need I say more that I am a complete mess!
The icing on the cake is that I am watching my weight creep back on! My original weight loss is almost gained back. I am only 9 pounds away from my beginning weight of 233. I feel sick about all of this. I know in my head that I should cut myself some slack but on top of everything else I hate to see the weight back...but I have no motivation to follow thru on anything. I think about it a lot...think about walking...or other exercise. Think about not eating treats, think about cutting out my lattes, but nothing ever goes beyond the thinking. Then I feel like a failure.
So where do I begin? I have lost something inside that was driving me before, and I don't know how to get the edge and determination back.
I want to start up again. I see the first of the month around the corner, and I think to myself that it would be a good time to start. But I don't even know where to begin this time. And I am just afraid of failure and letting myself down. So there it is in a nutshell. I feel weak, afraid, overwhelmed...an emotional basket case!
Thanks for reading and letting me have a place to vent!
and it is raining outside. So my 15 min of "me time" walking will have to wait until later. If it doesn't let up by this afternoon I think I will go ahead and just tough it out and walk anyway...what is a little rain?
Well one of my goals that i posted yesterday was to stay away from treats at work. Well I failed yesterday but not in a bad way...just a couple of bites of a cookie...not even a whole one. So that is pretty good for me. Showing a bit of self control. But not enough water drank yesterday though. I better work on that.
So today I will be working on my house...laundry...and cleaning my back room. Have to do that today...have company coming and they need to sleep back there. I found one of the ways to get something done is to have visitors...kinda stressful but my house gets clean!!
So have set a mini weight goal to get from where I am now 219.5 to 210 by the end of the month. That is only 9.5 pounds. I think I can manage that! So here is to the start of a new month!
I feel like I should make some goals for the week...I try this a lot and sometimes do good and sometimes not...kinda hit and miss but I am going to do it again in hopes of making some progress.
1. Walk 15 min everyday starting today! Enjoy my "me time"
2. make a meal plan for the rest of the week and stick to it. a. drink eight 8 oz. of water b. avoid treats at work
3. plant my flowers/herbs
4. clean my back room
5. finish my loads and loads of laundry!
6. Clean my bedroom and bathroom
7. Clean rest of my house/do floor
I realize that there is a lot on this list. But I feel I need to do some definite spring cleaning. So that I can stop obsessing over my messing surrounding and and focus on more positive stuff.
since my last post. What has been going on in my life since then? Hmmm...let me see...
Well, I have been working a lot. That is working at a job not on my weight! That is about it. I went away with my daughter this past weekend for her dance competition. That was fun. So totally did not pay any attention to any of my eating...oh well...it has been hard to get on a system lately anyway.
I so want to be organized and motivated. It is in my head...I just need to get it out into my life.
BUT i did go walking this morning! I did put on my calendar "me time" for the whole week. Which for any of you that did not read a previous post of mine I am changing the name of "work outs" to "me time"! Cause I work too much as it is and don't have enough me time!
I missed my walking yesterday...but this morning I walked 15 min. I know its not much but that is my goal this week. To walk every day 15 mins. To use this time as a time of centering for the day. So today I completed that! Yea me! Baby steps. I figure if I can commit to 15 min a day right now...then I will look for other ways to add to that during my day.
As for menu planning...and groceries well not done yet this week. A little broke from the weekend so i am having to look to the pantry and use what I have for the most part. NO new recipes to try this week. But gotta do the best that i can with what I got.
Well better go. I have to do some stuff around here before I head out today.
That is my thought for the day! I know this about myself. It worked in the past with great results but lately I can't seem to get a plan together.
I did my menu for the week and went shopping. So I feel good about that. I have healthy food in the house to eat. Now I just need to plan some workouts and plan some time to make some stuff ahead of time so I don't go out to eat or be tempted at work (sbux) to eat unhealthy!
My schedule is all over the place and there is no consistency at with it. That makes it so hard. I try to look at my calendar and actually schedule in my workouts around everything else but then I get so tired and frustrated from having my life over scheduled.
I just read the last paragraph and realized something. I need to work out and call it "downtime". I complain that I get no relaxation time, no me time, and all the while I could be working out and using and viewing my workouts as my down time, my relaxation time, my me time...what ever I want to call it for the day.
Instead of saying I must/have to "work-out" I am going to start calling it "Me time" or "my relaxation time". Losing weight is half mental and I think I just figured out what my mental block has been regarding working out. I work two jobs already. I am TIRED of working so much and to say I have to "work out" makes me feel like I have to work some more so therefore I don't do it! I can't work at one more thing! I feel like my entire life lately is spent working at something. I can't do it!!!
But I can have some much need "me time"!
I know weight loss is as much changing our mental state as it is not consuming too many calories. So I feel like I am having a light bulb moment!!!
So I will begin this weekend to start calling "working out/ exercising" as having "me time" or "having my down time"! When I write in on my calendar, when in talking with people I am going to practice changing my view of all this. Cause I know I can't make any physical changes weight wise until I start moving my body again!
So I will keep you all posted. But I think I am on to something here!!!!
That has become my mantra this past week. If you read my previous post it wasn't all that positive! But this week after sharing my struggles with a group of ladies I meet with from my church this thought was born out of what I was saying. So as an assignment this week we all decided to look for and write down as a reminder to ourselves and to be able to share with each other what tangible goodness and visible blessings we encountered this week. It has helped!
So I encourage all of us on EP to do the same. Lets look for and document whether here or in your personal journal or on a list somewhere all the Tangible Goodness we encounter and all the Visible blessings we receive. These can take whatever form you need. Positive affirmations or Praises to our Lord, whatever but I sure am benefiting from being reminded to be thankful on a daily basis!
So I will post one from yesterday... I had to take my son back to college very early in the day. I also knew I had to be at work by 3 p.m so it was a very rushed and day and I got back into town with just barely enough time to change into my uniform and leave. So as i was rushing in traffic I had the thought to double check my schedule...I didn't have to be there until 3:30p.m. That gave me time to get lunch and catch my breath before going in to work. What a blessing!
So have a day full of tangible goodness and visible blessings!
I am having trouble in dealing with alot of emotions that are surfacing lately. I know I am an emotional eater but right now can't seem to get it under control. So as a result my weight went up...again. I have got to gain some control over all this. But I am feeling just burned out and burned up with life and all it entails!! How can one keep positive and make progress when I feel so empty!? I know I should do something and the snowball effect will take over but all I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and never come out. That way I won't have to deal with one more thing.
I know, I know this is not the way to handle life!! But I am on the verge of just giving up! I can't keep up with any of it anymore....I drag myself out of bed everyday only to feel disappointment and frustration all the time. Where is the joy? Where can I get filled up so that I have something to draw from?
So here I go into another week trying again to gain some semblance of order in my life. I am going to get off of the computer and try to get my laundry sorted and done...and also try to get a meal plan and grocery list done. I am supposed to get my sons tax stuff dug out and a bunch of other stuff done and right now I just feel like whatever! It will happen when it happens!
If anyone is reading this and is a praying person...please pray. I know where I am to go to get what I need but right now I am even having trouble getting to Him. So He is going to have to do the leg work this time! Cause all I have the energy to do is just say "Lord"! I cry out to Him in just that one word!
Sorry for this post being such a downer but the reality of all this is I can't fake it anymore.
I went and changed my weight log. Yes I gained. It has been exactly one month since my last log and I am up 5.5 pounds. Yuck!!! But I keep trying in whatever capacity I can. This week I planned all my meals in hopes to avoid the eating a burger out trap. So, I am doing pretty good. Not one hundred percent but better. I am definitely doing better on the dinner scene. Making dinner at home every night this week is my goal.
I just have soo much on my plate lately. Between kid stress, husband stress, financial stress, working 2 jobs stress...I barely have enough time to think. So I am giving myself a pat on the back that I wrote my menu out for the week, and went shopping for all my food and I am cooking at home!! No small feat!
So I know i need to do more! I need to walk and work out daily! But right now I think I am just gonna focus on one goal at a time. My goal for now is to eliminate the eating out and spending a fortune on that!
Lately I feel like i need to pay more attention to my body signals. For instance I work at Starbucks and have free access to coffee when I work. But believe it or not after one latte in the morning i find that I can not even drink another later in the day. So, I have decided to listen to my body and stop at one...and drink hot/cold green tea the rest of the day. So I know I will be saving in calories but also for whatever reason my body doesn't want the extra latte! I think it another major milestone for me to be aware enough of my body signals to respond to it and then to actually do something about it.
Well, there in a nutshell is where I am right now. I am so embarrassed by my lack of motivation to do much else right now. But I have to just keep doing what I can and consider it good enough for now. I can't beat myself up over all this. But I am very grateful that I have a safe place to be able to vent, and reveal the truth to myself and to all of you.
Well, it has been quite awhile since my lost post. 18 days to be exact! Well there you go. That says it all! Because I do not post when I have not done what I am setting out to do. I have been avoiding this site lately because for one I have nothing encouraging to post. And two, I have done nothing towards my weight loss or nothing to reach any of my goals.
Not to make excuses or anything but when I got sick at the beginning of February, I feel like that completely sucked all my motivation out of me.
So where do I go from here? I need something to click inside me. I can't keep going like this or I will totally be back where I was a year and a half ago. I don't want that but I somehow have to get it into my mind that this is NOT acceptable. I haven't done any form of excercise, nor have I made any attempts at eating properly, let alone the clean eating like I was before.
I have been really struggling with feeling like I am my only ally. I don't know if I can articulate this but I am getting tired of being the only one in my life to cheer me on. I am constantly having to get behind everyone else in my family my husband, my sons, my daughter and cheer them all on to greatness! But you know what i get none of that in return. Anything that I want never gets done...any of my needs are constantly overlooked. I live in a state of constantly being my husbands cheerleader but there is nothing in return. I feel completely sucked dry!!!! There is just never enough time for me to do what I want or need to.....
You know I am gonna have to stop...there are just too many emotions coming up. I am sorry for just rambling on and on...but thanks for reading anyway.
Bottom line is I am having to regroup again. Find the motivation I need from somewhere deep inside myself and get going on the right track. I will check back in later and let you know how i am doing.
Ooohhh scary! Really the only thing scary about this morning is thinking about all the junk I ate yesterday! After Wednesday uplifting news about being down I got on the scale this morning and I am up two pounds...now I know the constant weighing in is not good...I should just keep it to my weigh in day...Sunday...but I do get a bit obsessed. Now I know my choices yesterday are just that MY choices...but in defense it is the end of the week and we hadn't gotten paid yet and healthy food was no where to be found in my house...actually everything was pretty slim pickins. So nothing to eat let alone healthy was the first strike against me. So off to work I went (sbux). I did manage to eat one of our new sandwiches but then I followed that up with a lemon loaf and then my fav...apple fritter heated 10 sec. in micro...then last night daughter and i went to a late movie and I had chips, soda, and candy bar! So to see the scale up I am sure it is completely water gain from all the crap I consumed yesterday...I told you all it was scary!
So today is payday...getting grocery list ready...going to go shopping and buy healthy food for the week. I will spend tonight and Sunday gettting ready to face the week armed for health! I plan to also get back to walking and my weight routine. I have been pretty sick the past two weeks (which by the way does not help me in choosing food wisely I found out) so my excercise level has been way down.
So beginning monday I will make myself very aware of different opportunities to increase my activity level and do it!!! Plus with healthy food to eat and choose from I will feel better and I know next week is going to be great...I give my self permission to use the next couple of days to prepare mentally and physically and I will not beat myself up over the past....I look forward to success!
