I wish someday that beginning again won't happen to me.
The idea of birth and rebirth is very exciting, exhilarating. To think that someone can come out of the darkness and experience new life should be a cause for amazement and study. I think about the Renaissance. An amazing time of rebirth and new creativity and discovery. Which means that what preceeded it was a time of darkness, stagnation, and myrey mobility. But...I am tired of the rebirth. TIRED.
I feel like I experience rebirth con a constant basis. I get hyped up and go full throttle only to find myself being rebirthed again. I guess buddhists experience this forever...right? Well, concerning my weight and my loss and or gain of it, why do I quit? I ALWAYS QUIT!!
Why is that? I become too comfortable with what I am doing? I experience some level of success and I'm done? I don't know. All I know is that RIGHT NOW, having finished all that work for the Disney 1/2 marathon, I sit here BIGGER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN.
OK...so, I guess today is my rebirth. I am saving my pennies so that I can hire a personal trainer, I'm committed to 1200 calories a day, working out 4 days a week, swimming at the YMCA, and I've got to face my bike at some point.
I want to say WOOOHHOOO for a rebirth...but really, I'm kind of tired. Tired of all the celebrations of me and my accomplishments. Is that terrible? I mean this as...I'm tired of getting ramped up for a life change only to wake up months later and realize that I'm back to where I started. Here we go. Here we go.
“I don’t know what happened. You were a beautiful petite blonde headed girl that just ballooned overnight. I thought something might be wrong, but no, you just gained a bunch of weight. Guess you were meant to be overweight. It’s how you’ve always been.” --Anonymous Family Member
Feb 1989 @ 13 years old
“You’re gonna be 200 lbs. before you make it to high school if you keep gaining weight like this.” --8th Grade Gym Teacher
Summer 1998 @ 23 years old
“Wow, Heather. You’re real pretty…well, just in the face. If you lost weight, you’d be really pretty.” --A Camper while I was a Camp Counselor
From being enrolled in Weight Watchers in the third grade, Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons at 13, to joining a women’s only gym when I was 15, my weight has always been a topic others weren’t afraid to discuss. I have always been overweight. Even at my thinnest, I was still overweight. It’s a lifestyle I adopted from my overeating family. Our time together is always spent celebrating, mourning, and solving the world’s problems with food. If there is anything I’ve learned about weight and size it’s that I must be comfortable wherever number I am on the scale. This is insight I have always possessed. I can never remember a time that I didn’t have a positive self image, even though there have definitely been times that I have used food for comfort, companionship, for stress relief, for fun: as I assumed everyone does.
The semester after I graduated from Purdue University I was wayward and seeking something productive to do with my time. I started riding my bicycle and before you knew it, I was riding with the Purdue Cycling team, training to run the Indianapolis Mini-marathon, and swimming on a masters swim team here in Lafayette. In these moments I lost weight despite my weekly get together with friends for pizza and foreign films on Thursday nights, and the countless cheesecake recipes I tried to perfect. My activity level was extremely high and I couldn’t eat enough to maintain my weight. I was an adventure trip leader taking kids hiking in the Colorado Rockies, Sailing in the Florida Keys, and whitewater rafting in Tennessee. I just lost weight while doing something I enjoyed. And then, I had to get a job, A REAL JOB but an AWESOME JOB. For six years, I was well paid to be creative, to laugh, and to manage a crew of 160 people. I was a “live performer” doing six shows a day, five days a week. I was a saleswoman, an actor, a friend, a mom, an enforcer of the law, an event planner, a sage, a muse, a problem solver, never still. I was a high school art teacher.
I loved it. When there was something new to teach, I took the opportunity. AP Art History? No problem. Bring it on. I was doing three hours of reading from five different sources every night for a 52-minute class I was teaching. Now mind you, it wasn’t a lecture everyday, there were always student led activities yada yada yada. But I’d be damned if I wasn’t prepared for every day. I loved it. Teach a computer art course? Uh yeah! I’ll do it. I graduated from college using my trusty Brother Word Processor. I was not exactly computer savvy, but I did it! I figured it out. It’s what I do. I’m a learner who jumps into the deep end and I like it there. It’s how I ended up coordinating a homeroom curriculum for 50 of my colleagues and the entire sophomore class, approximately 1200 students. Bring it on! And truth be told, my story is not unique. That entrepreneurial spirit is present in most of my friends of whom are amazing teachers. The only difference between me and many of them, however, is that I’m not sure I’ve ever learned some basic skills that would help me deal with stress and maintain a healthy weight. I hope you aren’t thinking “oh great, a teacher burnout story” because nothing could be further from the truth. I was happy. I loved being so busy, but I didn’t take care of myself, and I ate.
Meals of [insert any fast food restaurant here, my favorite being Taco Bell] were not uncommon. I can remember weeks going by and most of my meals were being consumed behind the wheel of my car. By the end of six years I had gained 100 lbs. This gain pushed me to the highest weight I have ever been. It’s the weight I am right now, 305 lbs. Wow. It’s difficult to see this number on the page and then to claim it as mine. But, it’s my story. And after six years of teaching and being stressed I had the opportunity to help a friend who wanted to open a new business in Lafayette, and I took the opportunity.
I stepped away from teaching with a new hope that I’d claim my life as my own, I’d make art, I’d run this business, and I’d learn to enjoy being active again. Nearly a year has passed, and I have neither lost nor gained a pound. What is it going to take to motivate me to take care of myself? It is high time that I start acting on the promises I made to myself a year ago. For the girl who needs to be busy and work toward greater goals, I have found a way that I can help others while my health benefits in the process.
I made a commitment in mid-August to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I have agreed to raise money for blood cancer research and to help local families who have children diagnosed with Leukemia. In exchange for my fundraising efforts, Team in Training will assist me in running a ½ marathon in January. I raise money to help further cancer research and they help train, motivate and encourage me to run this 13.2-mile race.
My team consists of eight people in the Lafayette area, all of whom are raising money for Team Leukemia. We are raising this money, working this hard yes for our own causes, but truth be told our motivations have been consumed by our team hero. The moment I met nine-year-old Dustin Kenna, diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblast Leukemia, or ALL in September of 2003 at six years old, I instantly started crying and I couldn’t stop. I cried because I cannot imagine being a shy kid that loves Harry Potter and is all too happy being a little boy hiding behind his mother’s leg…to be that little boy and to face death. I cannot imagine being his mother and the day she was told her six-year-old son had cancer. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it and I felt sad that sometimes I am consumed with worries that aren’t worthy of my attention when others are dealing with life and death issues. And from that moment, I was in this race, in this training program no longer for myself. I am in this fight for Dustin, his family and for his friends who need my attention and efforts to help them in the battle against cancer. And if that means I have to tell the world (or the women of the greater Lafayette area) that I weigh 300 lbs, then I’m going to do it. This is no longer solely about me and my life and my story. It’s about the quality of life for us all. It’s about all of us rising to our life’s potential. And it’s maximum potential living that I’m seeking. Over the course of the next five months, I will be keeping a journal of my progress, pain, and victories with Team in Training. It is my wish at the end of this the story that I tell will weave together inspiration, hope, encouragement, success, and maybe some lost pounds. Keep track of my progress at http://www.active.com/donate/tntin/heathergivans .
I have always thought that if I wrote an autobiography, the title would be GAP XL: My Life in a Nutshell. You can’t imagine how perfectly this title suits me, the obvious being XL (less obvious that I consider myself an extroverted introvert…a story for another ½ marathon training program). I’ve yearned to be anything other than an XL for years. Unfortunately, my life’s course took me beyond the XL point in some instances, and I couldn’t even begin to fit into any GAP clothes at the start of this thing. But wouldn’t it be wonderful to walk into the GAP or any mainstream clothing shop and find clothes that fit AND look good? Like, I’m way beyond that Ohhhh-I-can-barely-squeeze-this-shirt-over-my-head-I-think-I’ll-buy-it-anyway-because-it-does-fit-around-my-neck stage. Since I’ve decided that I’m not keeping secrets anymore [I’ve bought that shirt before], I am happy to report not all of my secrets are about the cavernous, dark parts of my life. Because of all the training for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society a wonderful side effect has been that I can pull GAP sweaters and shirts over my head and they actually fit now!!! Albeit, they are women’s XL but, this is the first time it’s happened in years. YIPPPEEEE!!!! As to date, I have lost 25 lbs and several inches on my waist, stomach, thigh, and bust (thank God).
My days are never the same, the only thing I can count on is always being a little behind. I keep accomplishing things I never dreamed possible and I am feeling really good! Now, that’s not to say that it’s easy because it’s not. My friend Cheryl Woody (Two Tulips) asked me the other day if I was enjoying exercising again and I had to really think about it, and my answer is no. It’s not really fun. It’s hard work. It’s EXERCISE. It’s being consistent. Meriam-Webster dictionary terms it “a maneuver, operation, or drill carried out for training and discipline.” I’m not a disciplined person by nature, so it feels like I’m rubbing my fur the wrong direction to keep this thing going, but it’s the only way to make it work. Team-in-Training has mapped out for me four runs every week. The beginning of the week is lesser mileage building up to the long run on the weekend. I’ve adapted their running schedule and tried to merge it with my own program (taken partly from The Women’s Book of Running) that I call runalking. I do a combination of running and walking. Everything is based on five minutes. When I started, I would run 20 seconds and walk 4 minutes 40 seconds. And let me tell you, the first time I had to run three miles, I didn’t think I’d make it. Now I’ve been lingering at around 2 minute run, 3 minute walk. People tell me runalking burns more calories than running continuously. I’m not really doing it because it burns more calories, I’m runalking BECAUSE I CAN’T BREATHE! The first time I ran six miles (September 10th) I had a breakdown emotionally. I don’t know if you realize this, but running and crying don’t mix. I typically start at Picket Park in West Lafayette and take the parks department trails on my runalks. I took the path that leads you past a lovely bog and wooded trail. I never know where to turn around, but this day, I knew the turnaround was when I reached Wal-Mart; that would be the halfway point. The moment I saw that big blue building, I started to cry. Now, I have to tell you that crying and runalking don't go well together. Crying amplifies the difficulty of breathing by at least 2x (my own personal scientific research). You already know that I can't breathe while I'm out there and when you add emotional response, it's disastrous. I cried because I was overwhelmed that I had made it three miles. The halfway is such a victory because it feels like it might be over...the struggle. It’s not the return back to the car that is hard, it’s the going out. Despite the difficulty, it is exciting to see progress in the training and to know that I'm becoming stronger. I hasten to say that it's becoming fun, but it most certainly is a milestone. I am now in the part of the program that reaches nine and ten miles in the long run…woowee.
Now, for the purposes of Team-in-Training, exercise would be enough. But, while I’m in this fight for cancer research, I’m also in this to gain back my own health. And after tears and realizing I don’t know how to do this by myself, I decided to ask for help. And let me tell you, it’s has been liberating to learn how to eat appropriately. I am following a Jenny Craig plan, and it’s all about eating an appropriate amount. Like I’ve learned your plate should be filled with ½ veggies, ¼ starch, ¼ meat (protein) and none of those portions should touch (well, when you put them on the plate…how you mix them together is up to you). That makes so much sense. I’m glad to have advice on how to look at food in a healthy way, and they are supporting and helping me make good decisions. It has taken the support of my family and friends to help me figure out how to undo years of bad habits. Now, that’s not to say that an occasional Potato Muncher from the Lafayette Brewing Company doesn’t make its way into my mouth from time to time, because it does.
A small group of my friends and I have been getting together on a weekly basis to make buttons. I’m still trying to raise the $3700 I promised the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. It has taken these weekly button making parties at a variety of restaurants downtown to make the ever popular button such as I heart Helen Magazine, or I love chocolate for McCord’s Candies. 1st Class Clutter is selling buttons along with River City Depot, K. Dee’s Coffee, Two Tulips, Starbucks, Zoolegers, Blue Monday, and Walnut Traditions. How amazing are my friends? Each of them wanted to help me raise the money and I have made special buttons for each of these businesses. I have to tell you, it is a little slow going a dollar at a time, but I’ve found fundraising is like exercise, it’s a lesson in patience and in consistency.
I am grateful to my neighbors downtown and the generosity of strangers. As of November 1st, I have raised $1000 so far, only 2700 more dollars, a 13.1 mile race in January, and a great story that has made my neighbors into friends while I’m on my way to 50 lbs lost before the race. I’m halfway there. Thank you for encouraging me along the way, I’m inspired by the many stories I’ve been told. One step, one button, one bite, one pound at a time: we can do this. Keep track of my progress and don’t hesitate to share your story with me. I’d love to take the names of the people of Lafayette who have been effected by Leukemia and Lymphoma with me in spirit as I run this race. http://www.active.com/donate/tntin/heathergivans
Sometimes, I just don’t know how I get myself into things, but I always seem to be just a little over my head. I tend to visualize a lot in everyday life, sometimes those visions are derailed and absurd, but I have a constant movie running in my head. And a recent movie I’ve been playing is one of great importance to my participation with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I have found that it is not a matter of how the training is going, how many miles this week, how many pounds lost, I have had the opportunity to understand on a much deeper level the severity of leukemia and lymphoma and how so many people in our community are touched by this illness.
The week before
Oh my. I’ve never been SO stressed about money in my life. I committed to raising $3700 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society but the total money I had raised was $2500. How did I get myself into this?? It’s so much work. While yes, I was overly joyed and thrilled at my Main Street neighbors who helped raise over $1600 just from selling buttons, I was CRAZY thinking that my very own Mr. Visa would have to pick-up the tab for the rest of the money I had committed. While that scenario isn’t the worst, I just hadn’t considered that I would be going into debt for this fundraising project. And out of nowhere, a series of very generous gifts were given and I was able to raise the final thousand exceeding my goal by three hundred dollars. I was able to give the extra money to my friend Jamie MacDougall who is a local language arts teacher at Tecumseh Jr High. She was running and raising money, too, only Jamie is committed to her 12-year-old cousin Alex Blom who was diagnosed with leukemia when he was two as well as Sue Jones, a local librarian who recently passed away from lymphoma.
The night before
I arrived in Orlando Friday morning. I had just enough time to work up some serious nerves before we were shuttled to the to the underbelly of Epcot Center in Disney World. The team carb-loading pasta dinner was taking place. I stepped off the bus; it was dark outside with the lights of buildings barely lighted and dim. The environment was disorienting as I tried hard to pinpoint where we were. My keen perception told me we were behind the International Village in Epcot. In order to enter the World Pavilion, we traipsed through a gate that led us right into the park! It was thrilling. I felt exhilarated just walking right into Disney World like a rock star. And as we turned the corner, each of the runners, walkers, (and runalkers) were enveloped by the sounds of loud cheering, cowbells, and clapping. My mind told me that it was a Disney Fan Fair of some sort for the paying guests of the park. But as we traveled in mass we neared the sounds of cheering and paparazzi. Outside the World Pavilion were volunteers, Disney Cast members, families, and friends lined up, all cheering and all giving thanks to us, the participants of Team in Training, as we entered the dinner. Tears. Let me just tell you tears. I have tears now even writing about it. Two large lines of a truly encouraging crowd yelled loudly and thanked me, told me that my efforts were changing lives, that I helped find the cure. They eased my deepest fear in that tomorrow for the big race I was going to be great. I stopped and put my hand on the shoulder of a complete stranger crying and whispered, “Thank You.” I stalled for a moment outside the pavilion and I thought about everyone I’ve met during the course of training. I thought about Kathy Greiser who had Lymphoma. She is a customer who frequents the store, and now is someone I consider a friend. I thought about her and the day we stood at the register and she told me about her battles with blood cancer and how she felt her disease didn’t have a voice. And here in that moment, crystal in my mind, I thought Kathy should be experiencing this. She should be standing in the middle of this crowd being uplifted and praised because of her strength and determination. I was imagining her kids screaming and yelling on the sidelines for their mother who is very spirited. The whole family is equally as deserving of fan fare. She’s done a great job raising two awesome kids. It was amazing the life, spirit, and strength of Kathy and her family. I put her name on my jersey. I ran with her strength to push me onward, to give voice to those who feel they have none.
The morning of
Two –thirty AM my alarm went off. It was go time. I had to be dressed with emergency contact numbers strapped to my shoelace and at the bus stop by 3:15. I was nothing but nerves. What if I was last? What if I didn’t make it? What if I fell and broke my leg? Anything is possible. I felt the weight of months of training and the agony that I had been ill with bronchitis for the week prior to this moment. How was I going to survive this? I knew 13.1 miles I could walk, no problem. I wasn’t however at the top of my game given my sickness from the past week. Just as the sun rose, so did my understanding that this race, while finishing is of significance, it isn’t about the finish. It’s about the persistence and the endurance to continue on no matter what. When I was at the start line, I thought of Tina Larson. I met her mom, “the basket lady” who shared her story with me and we cried, again at the store, real tears. They were tears of loss and disappointment, true sadness but with a hope. Beverly’s hope rests in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society as they continue to do as history has shown. The cure they have found is hope. And that hope rests in blood cancer research. Beverly Larson and I cried. She has a tragic story of loss. Beverly lost her sweet Tina to Leukemia when she was nine years old. And even to this day, 18 years later, she says, “When people ask me how many kids I have, I always include Tina in that count. She is my angel. I know we will be reunited someday.” Tina’s name was the largest name on my jersey. I stood at the start line crying thinking about Tina and Bev, and Dustin Kenna and his mom, Kathy, and Molly and I just cried. In the midst of 15,000 people edger to start the race I stood and cried thinking how did I get here? I am overwhelmed by the strength of the human spirit and the inspiration and insight so many people have shared with me about life and living. It was awe-inspiring.
The race
The race was run in three waves. I, of course, a runalker turned walker because of the bronchioles was in the last wave and as fireworks commenced the race at 6:00 AM I pounded the pavement going as quickly as my lungs would allow. Because the race is run on Disney property, there are very strict time limits runners must adhere to. By the eighth mile, I was three minutes behind pace and was asked to forfeit the race. I sat in the van that carried me to the finish and cried. I can’t believe after all this inspiration and all of this devotion and work that I wouldn’t be granted the satisfaction of finishing. You have NO IDEA how many times I’ve played the race over and over in my mind thinking, “If I would have just gone a little faster…three minutes isn’t that much time…I know that I could go faster…I just know it.” And truly, I believe these statements. They bring me to tears and monumental disappointment. I cannot believe that a bout with bronchitis kept me from this goal…this cannot be the ending to my story. I didn’t tell the women of Lafayette how much I weigh to now be a complete loser and not finish the race. What is wrong with me? On the plane ride home, I was resigned to getting professional help to cope because I just didn’t know how I’d tell you that I didn’t finish. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. I didn’t want all of these amazing and wonderful people who have endured such great challenges far beyond anything I could imagine…I don’t want the generosity of strangers to be for naught. And I force myself to come full circle and say this isn’t about the finish. This isn’t about crossing the line and then going home and lying on my couch for another six years until I realize I am 600 pounds and need to get motivated. This is about being real. This is about claiming my life as my own and doing the best I can do EVERYDAY, even if it means at the moment my best isn’t as good as I’d like it to be.
The after math
So what now? Well, Cheryl Woody asked me several months ago “So, do you love running?” I have grown to like it a lot more than that moment. Having lost 35 pounds and gained some wonderful new friends, I’d say my life is changed. Of course, attempting to run one race hasn’t made me a supermodel, but if one race can reveal such goodness in our community and unveil hope and generosity in people while simultaneously melting 35 pounds, I’ll take it. I am reminded of the Dali Lama's words, “Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk and when you lose, don't lose the lesson.” I am well on my way. I am Well on my way.
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society is now recruiting for the next Team in Training. Do you want to run the Indianapolis Mini-Marathon?? Call 800-846-7764 to find out more information. I just may be lured to do it as well.
OK. So, the race is over!!! 35 pounds lost and i'm feeling good. Well...as good as can be expected. I am going to post my article that will appear in Helen Magazine here. So, the following is my concluding article of the three part series.
I think I'm going to keep posting here. If you are reading this often and want to email me, you'll find me at: heathercgivans@yahoo.com.
YIPPEE! The new helen is out. I'm excited that the photo of me is a bit better than the first!
It is so COLD outside...running outdoors isn't the most fun I've ever had...seriously, how do people survive this??
Hey guys. Sorry it's been a month. But seriously, I'm overwhelmed. When Helen Magazine (the magazine that I wrote my story for...my adventure) when the magazine came out...the very day, I got a terrible case of anxiety and all of the "extra physical" side-effects... and, it didn't stop for two weeks. And in that time, my running was derailed. So, I say it's stress. STRESS. I was totally freaked out. I'm ok now.
Now, I'm just working really hard to raise all of the money I committed to, and that is stress. STRESS. I need to learn how to deal with stress. ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS? More later. Thanks for listening.
I really am. I AM!!! I have felt cranky lately. Is it the running? Is it the schedule? I am overwhelmed at times with things to do...but try not to sacrifice the effort.
I'm a little frustrated at myselft because by the time I'm done with work, I feel drained and emotional. LIKE for two weeks now. What is happening to me?
I worry about losing weight sometimes. I worry that if I do lose weight, I won't be myself. Like, part of my personality depends on me being overweight. OH GOD. I can't believe I'm admitting this. I really do like playing the part of "funny girl" but, can I be thin and be funny? How many thin girls do you know that are funny? Alright, alright. I know it's illogical. But I've considered myself lucky at times that I"m overweight because with that my personality has had to take over for me and not my physical appearance. WHAT IF I'M THIN AND I BECOME a shell of who I am? I like me. Is my ME going to change because of my body? ARE THESE QUESTIONS CRAZY? I don't know. It's something I've thought for a long time. I'll entertain other's theories on the subject. I'm open to discussion.
Man. The button sales are going well. I kind-of thought, however, that more people would be moved to donate on line, but that's ok. I can endure a lesson in patience $1 at a time.
Things aren't going so well training wise. I've been ill. Stomach issues and headaches. Is it the weather? I'm not sure. I am really watching what I eat these last few days...because I haven't be able to run. I'm supposed to go 8 miles either Saturday or Sunday. Wish me luck.
I have had great people donating lately. Thanks Tracey Strad!!! And thanks David Lux (of Luxie's Pub) and THANK YOU Cheryl of Two Tulips: All of whom just popped-in and handed me a check or some major cash. I thank you thank you thank you for being so generous.
Biggest Loser is on tonight! I like to pretend I'm on that show...I know, I'm a dork. Remind me sometime to tell you the story of when I got a wild hair and decided I would try out for it...man.
Seriously, I'm a bit of a strug. I haven't been to the letter on my training schedule. Ok, ok, I'm just going to tell you...I've got some gastrointestinal issues...makes running difficult. Sorry if that's too much information.
I got the cutest email from my long-time friend Sarah. She just is checking up on my progress letting me know that she's trying to run, too. She's the greatest gal EVER!
I suppose all of this just takes persitence and endurance. Time. Time is always something I could come up with. If it means not sleeping or not "doing" something...I have been given a great insight on how to find time.
Ok...three miles today. Wish me well. I didn't do well this weekend.
Peace.
