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Well I haven't written in a while. My father did not make it and I have been driving across the country taking care of his affairs etc. I'm really irritated at the Phentermine I have been taking it nearly a month and I've lost nothing! I'm also irritated at the Birth Control because I've been taking it for 16 days and haven't stopped bleeding..this is getting ridiculous Anyways things are just confusing and frustrating right now and I just have to take a step back and remember to breath..it's all I can do to just to do that....

~Lissa~

In NC

Well I'm in North Carolina here for my dad..it was very hard to see him this way but he is what they call critical stable which is better than where he was..I'm going to the hospital soon to be there for a 2nd surgery he needs... so I hope it all goes well...I ate a bowl of raison bran at the hotel for breakfast and I'm STUFFED it wasn't even a big bowl! So I think my body is finally starting to respond to this medication and I'm getting full much easier I love that! Well I should run...

~Lissa~

Stress and Goals

Oh man... so today was INCREDIBLY stressful!! For starters my father went in for heart valve replacement surgery and long story short he is in very critical condition, his heart will not beat on it's own, his right lung is collapsed and full of blood and he's very sick fighting for his life in the ICU....all day long I've been glued to my phone for updates just praying he pulls through this...he will be sedated for the next 3 to 5 days with them trying to wean him off of the external machine that's beating his heart for him..it's similar to a bypass but not the same I guess... ACK! ontop of that my TOM has been going on for 5 months now...straight...my Dr. doesn't know why we've tested Thyroid and various other causes now I am going to see my OB on Monday...but for the last 2 days I've been so heavy that it's flooding....today I bent over to pick up my daughter and that was all she wrote it looked like I murdered someone...my legs COVERED in blood *sigh* I'm sorry I know that's disgusting but it's part of my stress and this is after all a blog...THEN my 8 month old would not go to sleep tonight she normally sleeps GREAT but she cut her first tooth yesterday it's not visible but you can feel it without a doubt it's really sharp...and I finally get her to sleep around 8:30 or 9 and she wakes up at 10:00pm crying HYSTERICALLY  you could tell she was in terrible pain..she was bearing down and crying so hard she was shaking and barely making a sound then would gasp for air and scream...I had given her infant Advil earlier so I couldn't give her more...we finally got her calmed down and I gave her one of those plastic ice cubes that's intended for making drinks cold without the water down effect of ice cubes...I held onto it so she didn't choke and she chewed on it then watched TV with us a bit and went back to sleep....so all in all it was an awful and stressful day......I had set a goal to drink 8 glasses of water today which I failed miserably at...I drank 1 and 3/4 glasses of water...I hate water...I don't like flavored water either...I have to find a way to force myself to drink it....I didn't stress eat today but I really don't stress eat I boredom eat but I don't stress eat..thank god or I'd have eaten the world today.....so anyways tomorrow is a new day...and I will try to drink my water AGAIN...so anyways sorry if this blog was whiney or contained TMI for anyone...I just really had a hell of a day and needed to vent....sorry if I offended anyone

~Lissa~

I keep losing battles but I'm still waging this war..

Well...where do I start? I'm 24 years old actually I'll be 25 on the 28th of this month... I'm a mother of a gorgeous 8 month old daughter and the wife of a wonderful supportive man. I am a Reiki Master and I own my own healing shop. I'm happy in every aspect of my life EXCEPT my body. I have been heavy my entire life but now it's gotten completely out of control!! I'm 5'8 and approximately 320lbs I don't know exactly my weight because I think my scale is a piece of crap it tells me a different weight every time I step on. But somewhere around there. Before I met my husband I was still heavy but I was only 250 then I gained up to 278 with my husband. And when I got pregnant I lost 20lbs my first trimester for morning sickness then gained it all back and then some ending at a whopping 301 in my 9th month. Upon giving birth I immediately dropped down to 286 but then proceeded to gain 2 to 4 lbs a week until I am now 320!! I thought it was my Thyroid but they said no, no diabetes, no thyroid, no pituitary issues nothing...so I am left with the ugly truth that I over eat, eat crappy foods, and don't do shit...and this was hard to swallow...ironic considering everything else is easy to swallow it seems or I wouldn't have gotten this way to begin with...so I have started taking Phentermine which I requested from my Dr. and though the pills are supposed to work it's up to me to help them and so I've decided to once again take on the  war against weight and really try this time!! I can't live this way anymore..I used to be able to run and I can't do that anymore I played softball, walked 5 miles a day, played basketball, swam....now walking to the mail box wears me out!!! what am I going to do when my daughter learns to walk and run? I need to get this under control! and it's up to me...but I need help...so here's where this comes in...I am here to meet people who are TRUELY DEDICATED not people who are like me and get frustrated and give up so easily but people who will inspire me to keep going...people who will keep me accountable for what I eat and what I do during my days. My husband is no help because he loves me so much he just wants to fulfill my every wish and ends up being an enabler...all I have to do is give the puppy eyes and I get chocolate, McDonalds, Pizza whatever I want because he cannot say no to me...so I need outside help!! So this is my journey ...my journey to finally find the me I know is in there! I don't have any pipe dreams of being a skinny woman I just want to be healthy...I'm wearing a size 26 right now and I'd be just fine and dandy with a 14! Yes that's still plus size but that's OK! So enough of my soap box....this is me standing here asking for help...so anyone who reads this and thinks they can help...please I'm here ready and willing to do what it takes...I sound pathetic but if that's what it takes then so be it..pathetic I will be...alright well here goes nothin....

~Lissa~