Well, I needed to let some things go in my life to get through what turned out to be a really stressful and unhappy period. Unfortunately, blogging was one of the things that I dropped. I'm going to try and pick it back up again. Sorry about abandoning you all!
I have made a few significant changes in my life since my last posts. I have put my MBA on hold. I have been a full time student for over 4 years while working full time and I just can't stand the thought of going through another class. I am hoping for a hiatus until after the first of the year - we'll see if they approve it. Since I am on student loans, I may not get it. To tell you the truth, I really don't care! If I only get a few weeks and then I have to start again, so be it. I'll take what I can get!
Another change is that I have decided to become a CMT (certified massage therapist). i know that it is still school but it is totally different than what I have been taking (accounting) and it is something that I really want to do instead of something that I know I should do because it will be lucrative. Class for CMT starts around the middle of this month and I will be certified by Christmas. I am very into holistic health and alternative medicine so this is a great thing for me. I am really excited about it! I really love the idea of making money by making people feel good (and not in an illegal or icky way!! )
I am still moving ahead on getting the business started. Just yesterday I finally got the last piece that I needed to go apply at Social Security. I will be doing that tomorrow. Wish me luck! After all of this time, I might be able to start my business officially next month!
I am really working on making my peace with my weight loss. As usual, I am not satisfied with the rate that I am losing at. I'm convinced that I should have been able to do this well without surgery, I'm screwing up, blah blah blah blah. What I have finally come to realize is that (for me) the surgery is definitely helping me lose weight but I still have the metabolic resistance. Surgery redid my insides, not my chemistry or whatever. I am concentrating on enjoying the weight I have lost and not worrying about the weight I haven't lost. Anyway, if I could have done this without the surgery, then I would have!
As of today, I am 85 pounds down from my highest weight. 85 pounds in 5 months is pretty darn great! I am hoping to lose another 15 by the time we go on our company trip October 4. I can't wait to reach the 100 pound mark! also, I would really love to hit 100 pounds lost by the time I go for my 6 month follow-up on October 1. I'll tell you what, though - if the nutritionist tells me again that I am losing really slowly I am going to speak up and tell her how incredibly disheartening that is to hear and that I really don't need to be told that. There is no reason for me to just quietly accept that and continue to feel like a failure.
I'm starting to get into some of the mental changes that go with this surgery. I am noticing that I am being ignored a lot less out in public and that people are nicer to me. I have people making eye contact with me now, not glancing at me and then glancing away like obesity is contagious or something. You know what the hard part is about that? I find myself getting mad about it. I haven't changed on the inside. I am still me, just in a smaller package. I am no nicer or funnier or smarter than I was 5 months ago but people are just now noticing that I have these qualities. Lemme tellya - there's A LOT of mental stuff that goes hand in hand with weight loss. How many of you who have lost enough weight for it to be a noticable difference have experienced this? how do you deal with it?
I am off to check in with my friends that I have missed here on EP. I can't wait to catch up with all of you! Take care of yourselves and enjoy your day!
Ok, better today! Life is good, I am good, all is good!
I have a lovely picture on my desktop right now (thank you, Webshots!). It is of this beautiful crystal clear bright blue water, a small patch of perfect white sand and a single palm tree. Ahhhhhhh, mental vacation....
I am feeling overwhelmed, tired and generally out of sorts. I feel like everything in my life is pulling at me and has to be handled RIGHTNOWTHISVERYINSTANT! I hate this feeling!
This is my psycho life in a nutshell: I am working on my MBA as a full time student (finishing in April 2008). I have a full-time job. I run a small business from home (I'm trustee for 14 special needs trusts. I am working on establishing another business (DH will be doing this one and it's not so small - he will be able to do it full time and not work outside the home) where we will serve as financial representatives for 150 developmentally disabled clients. I am a Pranic Healer (energy healing) and working on growing a client base. *GAH! Holistic Arts Festival this Sunday - will be doing healings all day! How could I forget!*
Then we have the stuff that I'm not even getting to - namely fixing up the old homestead. My house is over 50 years old and the previous owner neglected it something fierce so it needs a lot of TLC and work. My swimming pool is green because we haven't cleaned it yet to start the season and it's now JULY. DH and I had a goal - every other weekend we would take a couple of hours and run away and do something nice together. We'd go to the movies, go walking down by the river in the nature preserve, go to the shooting range, etc. We have done 1 thing in the past 3 months.
I just feel so freaking overwhelmed! When I look at everything that is hovering, waiting for my attention, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. There is sooooooo much to do that I am exhausted and fed up before I even start.
The worst part is that I am not concentrating on my protein and fluids. i am not even getting the minimum in! I know this slows my weight loss to a crawl, even after surgery. Why can't I even take care of the one thing that I went under the damn knife to fix?!?!?!?
ICK! BLECH! PTOOEY! I hate this kind of mood!
<crawling back in my hole to hide until mood is gone>
... but I promised that I would be better about posting. And who knows? Maybe I'll start typing and something will just come to me. Modern automatic writing!
My weight took another major stall. I am down to 306.6 as of this AM. Tomorrow is officially WID so I know I shouldn't have peeked. I am reallt surprised at how slow the loss is going after surgery. I feel like it's creeping! Compared to others who have had the surgery, I am creeping! I keep hitting these damn plateaus. My body just does not want to let anything go!
Part of it is DEFINITELY my fault. I have been really lax about getting in my protein and water. I was never a fan of water before surgery and I like it even less now (believe it or not, it can really nauseate me!). I m starting a new week so I am trying to make a more concerted effort. <sigh> Another fresh start....
I am defintiely paying the price for poor protein - today I lost SO MUCH hair in the shower! I swear, I normally shed like a dog during with the seasons. I haven't been concerned because I haven't really been losing any more than is usual. Then today - BAM! I kid you not, out came a ton! Fortunately, I have a ton of hair so I have plenty to go before I have to start worrying about it. It's just a little disconcerting!
In addition to the hair, I can defintely tell you that my weight loss stops cold when I am short on protein. I don't understand how it works or why, but it does. So why am I not getting my protein in? part of it is because it can really be hard. I'm suppoed to get a minimum of 60 - 80g per day. When my stomach is roughly the size of my thumb, it gets a little hard getting it all in! Thank goodness for protein shakes or I'd never make it!.
For a while, I was doing protein shakes every morning before going to work and that was working really well. Then my stomach started getting upset while I was drinking them. I stopped having them for about 2 weeks to see if my stomach would settle back down. Nope! I guess I just have grumpy guts now! I had a protein shake this morning (took me 4.5 hours to drink 16.9 oz) and tummy is no more grumbly than usual. Apparently, my pouch just has a mind of its own!
Fortunately, I have found a few really good protein shakes. They are really tasty! The one I had this morning tastes exactly like cantaloupe juice - YUM! The same compnay also makes pineapple flavored which I just ordered today online. I have found a few really good websites for stuff for my new lifestyle: www.carbsmart.com,www.bariatriceating.com and www.netrition.com are my favorites. CarbSmart was a new find for me today and I ended up ordering over $140 worth of stuff! They've got some really good looking things.
The way I eat now is closest to the South Beach diet. I have to watch sugars (no more than 5g or sugars per serving or I will most likely dump) and carbs (I don't know how many I can eat before stalling my loss - 30g is what people say). I can also dump if I eat too much fat. I've still only had the one dumping experience (THANK GOODNESS!) so I am trying to be really careful. Talk about a miserable experience!
I met a woman on Friday (she came in for a job interview) who had the same WLS surgery 4 years ago. She told me that she has lost over 200# in 4 years! She started at 10 or 15 pounds more than me and she looks FABULOUS! she says that she wants to lose an additional 40# - I can't see from where!
Last night while I was moping over my incredibly slow weight loss, it occurred to me how much I have really lost. I have lost 48.6 pounds since my surgery date (4/3/07). When was the last time that I lost that much? If I keep going at this rate (slow or not!) it is to going to take me long at all! Anyway, slower weight loss is better. I stay healthier, my skin rebounds better and I don't have to go buy clothes (can't afford it!) every two weeks. This is actually a very good thing! (Almost believeable, eh???)
So much for not having much to say.... Have a great day, all!
Well, I made it to Friday - yippee! This has been a long, long week.
My weight loss has been moving along again. I am down something like 11 pounds in 18 days. Emma Bella, you're right! I am SO close to finally being below 300#! I don't remember the last time I was there. That's what I'm focusing on. I feel better about that!
I'm starting to notice that my clothes are fitting very differently. The funny part is that they are different in areas I didn't expect! My sleeves are all longer now and my necklines all go much wider out on my shoulders. Since my pants were all elastic, they still fit in the waist but the legs have gone from roomy to quite spacious and the seat can accomodate one more! My dresses and skirts are all longer, too. I'm thinking about going to Goodwill next week.
I have been craving something sweet this week and I don't know why. I know how sick it will make me so I don't want it - but the craving is there. Weird!
Somebody explain something to me. Why is it that I could eat McDonald's 5x a week and be perfectly happy with that but I am completely bored with food now and the thought of eating something twice in a row nauseates me? I just don't get it. I have to figure something out, though. I don't like to cook and fast food is pretty much off limits so... now what? A lot of premade foods have all kinds of icky stuff in them (sodium, bell peppers, sugars) and I am pretty sick of the stuff that I have been regularly eating.
You know, maybe this is the beginning of my new relationship with food. It is not something that I enjoy so much any more. Now it is just something I have to do. Don't get me wrong! I still like going out for a meal (boy, I'm now a cheap date!) or having dinner with my mom or my in-laws. I just don't much care for the food portion of the event! The funny part is that my tastes have changed so much since surgery so I now have no idea what I can eat or can't eat. Add in the fact that something that went down fine yesterday can irritate the heck out of the pouch today and you can see where my apathy comes in! It really is a whole new way of life. I've also learned that if I am not getting enough protein, I will stop losing weight. I wonder if that is what contributed to my long stall?
I had a great dream or vision (whichever you are more comfortable with) during my meditation last night. I went into meditation with a couple of things bothering me (a decision about starting our own business and concern over my post-op life, the food issues, etc.). During the meditation, I suddenly saw and felt myself about a year in the future. It was amazing! My body was at least 1/3 smaller than it is right now - I could feel how much less space I was taking up, how much roomier the chair was, how my body actually felt (no big belly in front! I knew that we had been doing our business for a while and were making good money at it (I could feel jewelry that I had bought!) and I was so pleased with and grateful for our lives. What a wonderful feeling that was! that totally made me excited about the next year and where I'm/we're headed!
Everybody wish me luck this weekend. I have to write a huge paper (3500-4200 words, about 10 pages) on a topic that really doesn't thrill me. It's due Monday and guess how many words I've written so far! Maybe 75?
I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and find the time to do one special thing for yourselves!
Well, yesterday was weigh-in and I am down 45 pounds. On one hand, I'm really excited about that and on the other hand I'm irritated that I haven't lost more. isn't that typical? I can't really enjoy the success I'm having because I don't think it's enough. I'm still stuck on the nutritionist telling me back on the 2nd that I was losing more slowly than normal. I know I'm doing well. My clothes are fitting differently, I move so much better now, I walk faster - WHY OH WHY CAN'T I CELEBRATE THAT?!?!?!? Why do I have to keep thinking about being told that I'm losing slower than normal? Talk about all those old feelings of failure coming up again! Sigh....
Ok, ick. I'm going to take my ugly mood and go away. I promise that when I come back, I will be back to my sunshiny happy self!
I am so sorry about disappearing for the past month! So much has been going on that I just completely dropped this. I will work on being better - I promise!
Ok, so here is where I'm at weight-wise and health-wise: I weight 314.9 as of this morning which is less than I have weighed in 2 or 3 years. I am within shouting distance of getting down to Twoterville! (You know, Onederland or 1derland, Twoterville or 2terville....) I have finally broken the 40 pounds lost mark!
I had my 2 month follow-up appointment with my surgeon's office on Friday and here are the benefits I've gotten from the surgery in only 2 short months:
1. My blood sugar is down by something like 10 points.
2. My iron is only 2 points below normal.
3. My protein and protein indicators are superb.
4. My blood pressure is down to borderline instead of high.
5. My resting pulse rate (in spite of my usual doctor anxiety AND climbing two small flights of stairs) is down by 10 beats per minute.
6. I have not had an asthma attack since surgery (I didn't realize that until we were talking about the medications I take). I have not touched my albuterol and I used to have to use it both before and after exercise!
7. I have lost 17-18% of my excess weight.
8. My next appointment isn't until OCTOBER!!!!!
The only thing that was not so great is the weight loss part. According to the nutritionist, most people are at 20 - 40% of their excess weight by this point, so I am slow. when I told her about my exercise routine (30 - 35 mins on the treadmill 4 - 6 days/week and light weights 4 days/week) she said that all of my exercise could be contributing to my slower loss. Also, I am bad about getting in enough water - I drink 32oz per day and that's usually it. I need to double that! I think the water is a big part of my slower loss - my ankles have started swelling a little bit again for the first time since surgery so....
I had my first ever experience with dumping - it SUCKED! I had 1/2 of a piece of Boston Market cornbread. Within 10 minutes, I got really hot and then totally nauseous. I literally ran for the bathroom! When I was done throwing up (which is a totally different experience from before surgery), I went to the website and looked at the ingredient list. Sure enough - #2 ingredient = SUGAR! I had no freaking idea! I survived and am now EXTREMELY cautious about what I'll eat - even if I think it's ok, I'l ask! I'm getting very good at telling people that I am allergic to sugar....
I started back to work on May 16, right on schedule. They are so glad to have me back and I am so glad to be here! I also started going back to school (I am working on my MBA), so things have been hectic!
My scars are so small, it's amazing. The biggest one is about an inch long. The other 4 are between 1/4 and 1/2 inch.
Learning to eat after surgery has been quite an adventure! Other than the cornbread, I have not had any problems with throwing up. I have eaten some things that don't sit quite right (like my lunch today) and the weird part is that something I ate yesterday may make me totally queasy today (again, my lunch today). Last night, DH cooked me some really yummy shrimp and steak skewers on the grill. Nice low-sugar marinade - YUM! They were great for dinner! I brought one of the leftover skewers in to work for lunch and have been feeling horrible ever since. I even threw half of it out! I seem to remember reading somewhere that leftovers don't agree with some people post-op - add me to that list!
Thank goodness for sugar-free candies. There are some really good ones out there! My favorites: SF York peppermint patties and SF LifeSavers (Wint-o-green and five flavor). Funny thing to note: I can only eat 1 or 2 and I don't want any more. It's not that I'm full or they're bad - I just flat out do not want them! Something I have learned about my pouch - if it doesn't want something, I'd better listen (even if that means spitting out a mouthful of food!). If I don't I pay for it!
My biggest 2 challenges with my new way of eating are the fact that I can't drink with my meals (I have to stop 30 mins before and wait 30 mins after) and if I eat too fast, I get the most horrible stuck feeling that lasts for a good hour or two. That is a really icky feeling lemmetellya! Of course, since it feels so horrible, you'd think it would be easy for me to slow down.....
Ok, this turned into a novel and I am at work so I'd better stop! If anybody reading this has any questions about anything - surgery, life after, whatever - just let me know! I'll answer them as best I can!
I can't believe that it has been a month today. On one hand, it feels like just yesterday but on the other hand it feels like FOREVER ago!
My weight today is 325.3. That makes my official loss so far 29.9 pounds. You know what? I'm counting it as 30 pounds. If I had not had water before I weighed in or if I had gone to the bathroom, I would have easily been 0.1 pounds lighter. That means that my first month's goal is met! WOOOHOOO!
)
I had 1/2 of a piece of Boston Market cornbread. Within 10 minutes, I got really hot and then totally nauseous. I literally ran for the bathroom! When I was done throwing up (which is a totally different experience from before surgery), I went to the website and looked at the ingredient list. Sure enough - #2 ingredient = SUGAR! 
I had no freaking idea! I survived and am now EXTREMELY cautious about what I'll eat - even if I think it's ok, I'l ask! I'm getting very good at telling people that I am allergic to sugar....