I can tell that AF is going to show up soon. The last 3 days I have had what I call "hollow leg syndrome." I never ever feel full...no matter how much I eat. And it's driving me nucking futs!! It's no wonder I'm having a terrible time right now.
I'm not so sure I'm going to go back to JC next week. In fact, I don't really know what I'm going to do. Yes, I'm doubting myself again...hugely. I'm having a terrible time focusing any effort at all on making good food choices. I've allowed myself to get way off track, and I've not been able to steer myself back in the right direction yet. I don't know which part of me is pulling in which direction. Sometimes I feel like I know where I'm going, but other times I feel incredibly lost. And alone.
This wandering aimlessly isn't like me. Not with dieting at least. I've always been either on or off. There's never been this gray area before. I don't like teetering...not know if I'm going to fall into or out of good habits. Thinking rationally about it doesn't seem to help matters. Of course, I don't think it makes them worse either.
I went in for my JC appointment after work yesterday. I had to pick up the girls first because their new daycare is just a couple of blocks from here and way out of the way to come back. Anyhow, the gal who was working was super sweet…a recent transplant from California. I told her straight-up why I was there, and that it may or may not last very long. When I told her that I’d signed up for the Rewards program in OKC, but they wouldn’t honor it in Wichita, she went off on them! It was so funny. She gave me my discount though, and said, “if they want to fire me for that, they can.”
So that’s that. I don’t know how long I’ll stick with it. Maybe a few weeks; maybe a few months. I’m going to start looking at other alternatives though. This is just my “quick fix” solution to not wanting to cook. In fact, I think I may try the Whole Foods store to see what kind of frozen foods they offer. I really wish we had a Whole Foods Market, but I guess Wichita isn’t a big enough market or something.
I think I've discovered the problem. There isn't a problem. Not a single, solitary one. This is just how I operate, but now that I'm aware of it...I'm very aware of the problems that come with it.
I've been reading some personality books lately. I was pegged (and rightly so) as a "scanner" or "renaissance" person. In addition to that, I do things in cycles, I do a lot of things at once, I am very passionate about the things that I undertake. However, being that I'm cyclical, I get bored when the excitement wears off. I move on to something else, seemingly randomly. Unfortunately, dieting is one of those things with which I'm either hot or cold. So is cooking. And that's where I am right now...in the cold. It's not a plateau. I'm bored. More so with cooking than with loosing weight. It's not dieting...it's South Beach. Just as it was JC last year. And WW many times over many years in the past. Take a look at my chart over there. I go down and flat and a creep up and down and flat and another creep up then down and flat yet again. If that's not cyclical behavior, well...I dunno what it might be. Yes, each cycle is a different length. It happens that way sometimes.
So, what am I to do about it? I could go off on another tangent, say, back to WW or off to LA Weight Loss. But that's not what I need. I simply need someone to cook for me for awhile. Until I get back in that groove again. I called the JC center about 45 minutes ago and made an appointment for tomorrow after work. It works when I follow the plan, and I follow the plan when it's "new and refreshing." I'm sure it will only last a few weeks or maybe months. But if, in that time, I can loose a few pounds instead of gaining and losing and gaining as I have been, it will have been worth it.
I don't expect anyone to ever really understand me. The fact that it took me this long (and that it took reading several books) to realize it myself says that it's not something that's always obvious. I'm sure I seem flighty to a lot of people. I quite often also felt that I was a fraud by changing my mind so often. Picking up and dropping projects has become rather routine. It's nice to know I'm not really a failure. I need to embrace the way my brain works and go with it.
What the heck is going on with me? For the life of me, I can't figure it out. I'm stuck floating between 206 & 207. Why, oh, why can't I get past this? The scale hasn't budged more than .2 in my muscle weight reading, and my water % is still hanging around the same number as always. I need a good plateau-buster plan.
I finished TJ 20 Minutes and about 2/3 of Ab Jam a bit ago. It feels good to come home from a loooong boring day and accomplish something right off the bat. I wanted to do all of AJ, but the 2nd half is floor work and I had monkeys crawling all over me. It's one thing to have the 26 lb 2-year old. Quite another with the 47 lb almost 4-year old. It was a lost cause, so I gave in and came upstairs to make dinner.
As soon as they're finished, it's bath time. I'm hoping they'll go to bed a little earlier this evening. It has been raining all day, so it's cloudy and will get dark sooner than normal (big cheer). I need to do some more cooking tonight. No more spinach disasters...promise!!
Cooking disaster #27,314 happened in my kitchen tonight. I decided to make sausage/egg/spinach muffin things for breakfast after the girls were in bed. In a rush, I cooked the block of frozen spinach and drained it. Thought I'd gotten all the moisture out, but apparently, I was wrong. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate soggy eggs? I'm hoping they dry out a little more once they're cool and sit overnight. I'd seriously like to slap myself right now!!
Oh well. While I'm waiting for them to cool off enough to put in the fridge, I'm bumming around on the computer, enjoying a cup of chai tea, and thumbing through a cookbook that mysteriously arrived from MillionDollarBody.com (the folks who own/distribute/whatever TurboJam).
Tomorrow promises to be another busy day. Lots going on at work (no thanks to the careless paintshop crew). Maybe I'll get in some good walking. The girls are doing well at their new daycare, but still getting used to things. E has been super-clingy. Thankfully, she went to sleep without a fight tonight.
I was going to say something else, but I blinked and the thought left me. Must not have been too important...
Yup, for the first time in a looooong time, I can honestly say I'm enjoying my workouts. This evening I did TJ Fat Blaster. It's not one I'll do very often, but it was a good short(er) one. I'm definitely enjoying all of the TJ routines I've done so far. Tomorrow, I'm going to tackle Ab Jam. Haven't done that one yet. I don't think I've even watched it, so I'm not sure what to expect.
I got a lot of positive feedback from the gals at 3 Fat Chicks this morning. I pretty much posted the same thing I did here. Just for me, I'm going to copy some of the comments. It'll be good to have a reference for when I'm feeling guilty or just plain down...
I think you're doing the right thing. Cutting into your sleep with everything you do for the kiddos is a lot for your body to take. I'm sure they'll figure out that mommy needs "me" time and let you workout unhindered soon! -Kim
As a Mommy to two girls..ages 11 and 7...I can tell you that one of the greatest gifts you can give them is a healthy Mommy. By seeing you exercise, you are showing them how to live healthier and setting an awesome example. They will adapt. Children are more malleable than we often realize. -Rhonda
You need "You" time, but I know that can be hard. Involve your kids in the exercise...I used to love working out with my Mommy to her Jane Fonda album. -Sunny
I agree with Rhonda that you are setting a good example for your kids. I know it's difficult, we all do but just do what you can and hopefully they will start to give you that time. One of the main reasons I want to get my weight under control is so that I'm not raising my kids in the same insane yo yo dieting environment I was. When I was 19 and joined the army I weighed in the day I got my ID card at 124- I was a lifeguard all summer before I left and I wore a shirt and shorts over my guard suit every day b/c I thought I was FAT!!! All b/c I was raised in a house where the standards were too high my mom who is almost 48 now is dieting to get down to 120 (she's 5'7") I'm like- you are RIDICULOUS!! You aren't 18, you 48- get a realistic grasp on things. She is like 140 now. I just don't want my daughter to grow up always feeling like she isn't thin or pretty b/c I have placed these ideas in her. My son is from my previous marriage and his dad's family are all overweight adults. When I married him (he was 20) he was 6'2" and weighed 210 NOW he's just about 300 lbs. He eats like crap and never gets his @$$ off the couch, I want my son to be raised healthier so he has a better chance of fighting off the genetic predisposition to obesity that he is likely to inherit. We need to set good examples for them so they are not doing what we're doing right now. -Tifani
I can't make myself go to bed early enough to get up at 4:00 in the damned mornings. As much as my brain wants to, my body will not cooperate. This morning, I hit snooze until 4:30 when E woke up (she hadn't been up all night...miraculously). I got her back to sleep and then showered, but I didn't get my workout in. What's my problem? Lack of motivation or lack of sleep? I tend to think it's the latter. I get 6-7 hours on average, and I know it's not enough. That's with getting up at 5:00. Getting up at 4:00 cuts me down to 5-6...assuming the kiddo sleeps through the night.
Something has got to give!! For the time being, I guess it's going to be a.m. workouts. I just can't do it. The girls will get used to me working out in the afternoon. Right now, I know it's difficult for them. They're not used to me doing my own thing and pushing them aside for any amount of time. I hope that as they learn that I'm a happier (not to mention healthier) mommy after getting my routine in, and a lot more fun that way, they'll let me do my thing. I know it's tough on them. Nothing about our lives is easy right now. But with change comes growth...I'm sure of it. Hey, maybe they'll even join me eventually.
Maybe I'll tackle 4a.m. again someday. For now, it's just not going to happen. I'm not going to force myself. As long as I'm getting the work done, does it really matter WHEN it gets done?
First thing this morning, the scale read 206.2. That's a new low weight for this segment of my journey. I should be excited, but I'm not. I feel like I should take everything in stride. It's a guarantee that low will be gone tomorrow; though whether it's by a higher or lower number, I'm not going to guess.
Tonight, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical. I wanted to go longer, but couldn't because of my feet. I really need to figure out why they go numb on that machine when they're fine the rest of the time. I thought replacing my shoes would do the trick, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'll just add that to the list of complaints I have the next time I go in to see the doctor for something.
I suppose I should head to bed. I'm setting the alarm for 4:00 so I can get up and do Ab Jam in the morning. I was supposed to do it this morning, but couldn't muster the energy after all the work I did yesterday. Oh, I figured out that I burned somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,400 extra calories yesterday. How nifty is that?
Holy Cow I've done so much more than I probably should have today. I'm going to be paying for it by morning. This morning, right after I posted my last entry, I got through Cardio Party. After E woke up from her post-lunch nap, we hit Target for groceries. That, in itself, is a workout. Cart 2 wiggly girls groceries = headache! While we were there, I remembered to pick up a longer extension cord for the mower. Soooooo...once we got home and got the groceries put away, I set to work on the yard. Just over an hour later, I finished. I'm glad my back doesn't hurt any worse than it does, but my shoulders are going to start screaming soon. At least the yard looks better!!
Somewhere between catching my breath this morning and the end of naptime, I managed to order a set of fat calipers and a new measuring tape. I'm not satisfied that my Ironman is accurate with that reading, so I'm curiously (not so much eagerly) awaiting the arrival of my new toy. This morning, Ironman said I was at 41.3%, which is down from the ~47% I started at when I got him. However, I'd like to have another method for measuring to see where I really am. He does say I'm gaining muscle though...so I'm definitely happy there! I also ordered a Polar heart rate monitor. Did you know those things are FSA eligible? I've wanted one for years, but that's the only reason I'm buying one now...
Tomorrow is going to be a rough day - girls' first at the new daycare. I have to finish all the paperwork tonight. In the morning, I'm getting up early to do Ab Jam before we leave for the day. After work, I need to do a little bit of cooking for the week. I have food for breakfast and lunch tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about that tonight...whew!
It's bath time for the girls. Hope y'all were able to have a relaxing/productive weekend.
