I went to my appointment at the Smart for Life center yesterday and it went well. They did an EKG, weighed me, and I got an overview of the program. Got to taste the "cookies" and all but two of the flavors are pretty good. After that, I came home. Since my appointment was at 1pm, I didn't get the bloodwork done. It had to be a fasting lab and there was no way I was going to not eat anything until after 2:00. Instead, I went to the lab first thing this morning to have blood drawn.
I meet with Dr. Seberger next Friday to go over my bloodwork and discuss my history and goals with him. Then, assuming everything comes back normal, I'll be able to start the program. I'm really looking forward to it. In the meantime, I'm trying not to eat myself stupid...not so successful with that thus far. It's amost as if my brain is on total shutdown. Not thinking...just eating whatever. I can't blow everything at this point. The last thing I want is to weigh more next week than I did yesterday. That would just suck.
I'm home alone tonight with plenty of time to write. We got home from my parents' late yesterday afternoon and then this morning I deposited the girls with their father until Sunday...first time since August, but we won't get into that debacle.
I got replacement parts for my elliptical yesterday. Haven't put them on yet...mostly because I'm in no condition after 30 minutes of shoveling snow from the driveway. I plan to take the time to do that tomorrow. We'll see what plans transpire. I'm getting my hair cut at 9:00 and then have a 1:00 appointment at the Smart for Life clinic on the east side of town. I don't know if I'll do the program or not, but I'm entering a severe state of desperation. I'll let you know how it goes.
Off to do some more cleaning before I go to bed. Going to make it an early night.
I'm still angry about my elliptical, but not seething like I was yesterday. I called Champion customer support this morning. The woman I talked to was nice (i have a feeling they've had lots of calls about the Lamar equipment), but could only deliver a message to her supervisor. She took my address and phone number. Honestly, I'm not expecting a call back anytime soon. I'll call again next week...when they're swamped with problems. Insert evil laughter here.
I did get up this morning at 4:20 to work out. Last night, I decided to do the short Turbo Jam (20 minutes) instead of the bike. So that was nice. Early, but nice. I think I'm going to get up at the same time tomorrow to do some meditation/prayer/therapy. Of course, if I start that habit, I'll have to go to bed earlier and start eating breakfast before I go to work. Not entirely bad things either. BUT...one thing at a time. The slower I make changes, the more likely I am to stick with them.
I am sooooo angry with my elliptical machine right now. First day of getting back into working out. It broke yet again after 10 minutes. Same problem as last time. I put any amount of outward pressure on the right pedal, and the supposedly self-locking nut pops and the pedal goes kaput. Not even funny. What's worse? The company that made it (Lamar) is defunct. It's Champion branded, but their customer center is already closed for the day. I'll have to remember to call them tomorrow. If they can't send parts to fix it, I'll have to break down and call the guys at Play It Again Sports. They do in-home repairs, but I don't know which arm and/or leg it will cost.
Man! This is not inspiring in the least! I was going great, too. Had gone 1.7 miles in just under 10 minutes on my way to 15 minutes for the day. Looks like I'll be on the stationary bike for awhile...or something.
My current plan is to do cardio on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday and then in a couple weeks add strength training/toning on Thursday and Saturday. Since Monday and Tuesday are my meeting nights, it makes sense to leave those as rest days...for now. We'll see. My actual goal here is to work out long enough to "earn" a treadmill. Then I'll start the Couch to 5k program. I've been wanting to do it for awhile (I found it mentioned in the goals I wrote at the first of this year).
I found the time yesterday evening to get Zen. That made me really happy. I started with the Set Point session and followed with Appetite Zapper. Because I know I'll lose the paper that I wrote my points on (E is coloring on it now), here they are for future reference. I need to have this handy so I can do this exercise on a regular basis.
The other session I did, appetite zapper, always works immediately for me. I went into the session "dying" for a snack. The food I'd been wanting came up as one of the ones I pictured, and it made me feel like crap. So, I ended the session perfectly fine and ready for bed. I woke up this morning, had my scheduled breakfast of 2 blueberry muffins (homemade - 125 cal each) and coffee. I'm perfectly satisfied an hour and a half later. I'm also warmer than I normally am. This is the weirdest effect...supposedly, it's my metabolism speeding up a bit.
I've had a hard time with wanting to eat anything and everything the last couple of weeks. Again, I do great during the work day, but as soon as I get home...it's a free-for-all with the fridge and/or pantry. I'm lying to myself about how much I've been eating, which is the worst thing I can do. It's worse than having a "bad" meal or an inappropriate snack. I've been having full on binges worth a good 500-1000 extra calories...sometimes more. And then, because I'm taking Alli, I get horrible stomach and intestinal cramps and spend way too much time in a place I'd rather not.
Aparently, there is some part of me that doesn't want to let go of the weight. Some part that can't cope as a healthy normal-sized person. I need to find that part and deal with it. Everyone I've ever told thinks I'm crazy, but I'm sure that hypnosis sessions will help. I have Wendi Freisen's Zen of Thin program, and when I use it faithfully, the monster that lives inside my head behaves itself. I need to figure out a way to carve out an hour for myself every single day...without interruption...when I'm not exhausted. Unfortunately, the girls have been giving me a hard time at night...not going to bed when they're supposed to. I would love to be able to do the sessions during my lunch hour, but I'd get in trouble for "sleeping". Even though I'm fully aware when I'm in trance, it looks like I'm asleep.
And on top of all that, I'm making Christmas cookies this weekend. Why? I dunno. But since I've already committed myself to the task I have to follow through. The girls will enjoy making the mess. I'll just have to put everything in the freezer as soon as I can.
I might be back...again. There's something about ep that I can't get away from. Not sure exactly what it is, but I keep coming back. Yes, even after becoming a lazy baboon.
So, what's happened since I last blogged back in May? Let's see. It all started when I read the book Fat, Broke, and Lonely No More in late-May/June. In July, I started going to a weekly Overeaters Anonymous meeting. That has helped me get over the guilt, but then I started justifying a whole bunch of stuff and had to take another look at myself.
I've pretty much stayed between 216 and 222 for the last few months while I've tried to get over myself and into my psyche...figuring out all the reasons I overeat and all that jazz. Let me tell you, it has been an adventure. One that hasn't always been terribly exciting.
About 3 weeks ago, I really started watching my diet again. Re-read Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Solution and decided that I needed to do SOMETHING, even if it wasn't that plan. Then I started researching Alli, and decided to incorporate that into my strategy. I started my plan of eating last weekend, and started taking Alli Friday night. So far, I haven't experienced any of the treatment effects, but I'm not sure that I'll notice if I do. Since my gall bladder was removed almost 7 years ago, I've had a fairly wonky digestive system.
What else? Oh, a week ago, I finally figured out what was wrong with my elliptical (after ignoring it for many months). Got it fixed in about 5 minutes. I hope that does the trick...permanently. I'm starting my exercise routine again after Thanksgiving.
Eeeek...Thanksgiving. That's a post all it's own, I think! But I'll have to do it later. Time to get showered and dressed so we can get our grocery shopping done before lunch. I'm going to try to make some rounds today and read up on y'all.
I needed to scratch the itch for making bread today, so I did it. I went to make tortillas like I mentioned earlier, but the bag of flour that I thought was whole wheat wasn't. So I made a stromboli instead. It called for whole wheat flour as well as either potato flakes or flour. I found that I had spelt, soy, and rice flours in the pantry. Substituted spelt for the WW and rice for the potato. For the filling, I sauted spinach, onions, garlic, cooked chicken breast, and some olive oil then mixed in some reduced fat feta. Oh my, it turned out so great!! I could have eaten and eaten and eaten, but I stopped myself sooner rather than later. I'm glad I did because I was so full just a little bit later. The bread was great and the filling was full of flavor. I wish the girls had liked it. They liked the bread part, but not the filling. I think the feta was a little pungent for their tastes. The next time I make it (which will happen, but I don't know when), I'll do one with pizza sauce, turkey pepperoni and cheese for them. That will go over much better.
So I've definitively decided that I'm not going to go back to JC again. With Ashley's suggestions for organic frozen options, I realize that I'm not limited to the bland Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine, etc., that I was dreading. I've had a few different meals from Amy's and have always been impressed. I'll definitely be searching. Now I'm just mad that I have even more JC food in my freezer than I had before. Maybe I'll sell it on eBay. That would take away a lot of the guilt since it's mostly tied to the amount of money I just wasted.
I read r0ckl0bster's post about the Diet Pulpit's Honesty List Challenge. So here I am with my list. The real top ten reasons I want to loose weight.
I see my mother in the mirror. I don't want to look like her.
The type of man I want to date doesn't even look at me because they don't see where I've been or where I'm going...only where I am today.
My stomach bulge sticks out farther than my boobs. I wear a 36F for goodness sake!
The next time I see my best friend, I want his eyes to pop out of his head.
I want to want to go out and do things with my kids instead of preferring to laze around the house all weekend.
I want to live long enough to terrorize my great grandchildren.
I want eyes to turn to me when I enter the room. Not because I'm fat, but because I'm smokin' hot.
I am tired of my thighs rubbing together.
I want to be able to truly enjoy food...instead of hiding behind it.
I want to be a good example for my girls instead of an embarrassment. I want them to grow up in a house where good choices are the norm instead of a fluke. I want them to realize that vegetables are an essential part of the meal and not a "token" dish.
I think I need some software that can track my daily mood. I'm pretty sure that's cyclical, too. I was looking back at some of my posts, and there's a definite pattern. The week before AF, I typically get down, discouraged, and just plain pissy. It's not always necessarily connected to a gain or a loss...in fact it doesn't matter what kind of time I've had leading up to that point.
What can I do to muddle through these days when I'm guaranteed to feel like quitting? Is there some sort of secret no one ever told me?
I'm feeling a little less lost today. Went to the grocery store and got a lot of different fruits and veggies. I'd not been eating fruit because I kept going back to phase 1 on South Beach. After eating a few pieces over the past several days, I realized that it helps me stave off cravings for other sweet things. And that's a good thing.
At some point today, I'm going to try my hand at making whole wheat tortillas. I might even make some little ones and cook them crispy to use as chips. Tortilla chips are one of the things I really miss and usually one of the first things I go for when I fall down. I love Mexican dishes, and the crunch of lettuce just isn't the same as the crunch of a chip.
So maybe I'm not sticking with one program. Is that such a bad thing? I'm not going back to eating junk either. Have I finally come far enough...been "dieting" long enough...that I can choose to make healthy choices without having to say "I'm following XYZ"? Maybe so. Maybe not quite yet. I know I still have along way to go to get to where I want to be. But I'll get there someday. I might loose weight in waves like I have been doing thus far in my journey. Or I maybe I'll have a little bit more of a steady descent. Only time will tell. The one thing I do know is that I'll get there...eventually.
That made me really happy. I started with the Set Point session and followed with Appetite Zapper. Because I know I'll lose the paper that I wrote my points on (E is coloring on it now), here they are for future reference. I need to have this handy so I can do this exercise on a regular basis.